Still packing.

Sigh.

Last minute packer ...

Buy buy buy. Pack pack pack.

Sigh.

I tend to overpack. I'm packing my speakers. Seriously. I feel like I need those things. Can't do without music.

Had the most ... inexplicable dream last night. Definitely not from stress.

Started packing today ... a wee, wee bit.

Then I went to SY's house (pole) party. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would, even with my little accident (dress slipped and my boob popped out - Joey assured me only she saw it, but I seriously doubt it).

At the end of the party, the girls that were there surprised me with a farewell pressie - a personalized (pole) calendar! That really touched me; I worry they'd forget me.

It's kinda sad - with my leaving, Daphne's (unplanned) pregnancy, and Jessy's transfer to private classes, the class might be too small to run. It'd be awful if everybody had to split up and joined different classes ... =(

Meena Kumari ft. Khayyam - 'चाँद तनहा है'

चांद तन्‍हा है आसमां तन्‍हा
दिल मिला है कहां कहां तन्‍हा

chaaNd tanhaa hai aasmaaN tanhaa
dil milaa hai kahaaN kahaaN tanhaa

बुझ गई आस छुप गया तारा
थार-थराता रहा धुंआ तनहा

bujh gaii aas chhup gayaa taaraa
thar-tharaataa rahaa dhuaaN tanhaa

जिंदगी क्‍या इसी को कहते हैं
जिस्‍म तन्‍हा है और हां तन्‍हां

zindagii kyaa isii ko kahte haiN
jism tanhaa hai aur jaaN tanhaa

हमसफर कोई गर मिले भी कहीं
दोनों चलते रहे तन्‍हा तन्‍हा

ham-safar ko'ii gar mile bhi kahiiN
donoN chalte rahe tanhaa tanhaa

जलती बुझती सी रोशनी के परे
सिमटा सिमटा सा इक मकां तन्‍हां

jaltii bujhtii si raushnii ke pare
simTaa simTaa sa ek makaaN tanhaa

राह देखा करेगा सदियों तक
छोड़ जायेंगे ये जहां तन्‍हा

raaH dekhaa karegaa sadiyoN tak
chhoR jaayeNge ye jahaaN tanhaa


Translation:
Moon is alone and sky is alone
My heart goes alone on the journey
Day has brought the light but the hope is lost

My existence trembles alone
Is this the life
Where body and soul walk separately

Though I found companion during my journey
We kept walking separately

Far away on other side of that dim light
I see a small, closed and confined heart
It will wait for me for ages

After I walk alone from this world

Try as I might, I couldn't locate this CD in Singapore, nor my Dad in India. I can't even begin to explain how and why I love Meena Kumari so much.

'Tis true I've always been attracted to sorrow and melancholia.

Stupid Blogger wouldn't give me access last night.

Last day in the office today although I asked that my email account not be deleted until Jen starts. I leave in a few days and haven't packed! Yikes!

Was stressed earlier on thinking about the move, but am feeling more optimistic now. There's a number of things I wanna do next year in addition to my degree. Hopefully I'd have the resources and time to do them all.

Realized today that Mephisto is my new hero, the closest one to Stephen Fry - Mephisto can be witty, speaks 4 languagues, and had studied Latin. My hero! I want to be like him when I grow up - minus the abrasive, caustic, and emotionally unavailable bits.

Also, I don't think I wanna grow old alone ...

Watched (in this order): Being Cyrus (sorta funny, nice twist - Dimple! Kapadia!), Woh Kaun Thi? (sorta interesting; nice music), and Chak De India.

I totally love Chak De India! It's the Bollywood feel-good - enough tension and tears-swelling (with pride) moments to make it a thoroughly enjoyable ride - and as soon as it ended, I couldn't wait to watch it again, especially one of my favorite bits.

Women. Hockey. Kicking ass. 'Nuff said - what's not to love?

Well ... maybe the role of the coach could've gone to someone like Rahul Bose or Aamir Khan. SRK's tears-in-eyes shtick should be restricted to his family/rom-com movies. Every time I saw tears in his eyes in the movie, millions of Rajs and Rahuls, nightmares of assorted Karan Johar flicks, and SLB's Devdas flashed before my eyes.

Thought today might be a good day when I woke up to learn I'd been granted the Graduate Award and good weather (sunny, windy). Was pretty surprise about the Graduate Award - I applied last year too, but didn't get it.

This just means I might be able to put away NZD 5,000 in a fixed deposit.

And that I gotta remember how to be a good student next year ... I think. =|

Nellie McKay - 'Cupcake'

Album: Pretty Little Head

Cupcake - Nellie McKay

You know, I really thought I'd be upset. Like, really upset. Goddess knows, I was completely miserable the last time I said arrivederci.

Last words from the boss today, "If I don't see you again, enjoy the rest of your life."

I must've rolled my eyes or smiled (or both) in response; didn't say goodbye though. I've a feeling I might see him again, but I'm not holding my breath.

Bought Chak De India, Bunty aur Babli, Woh Kaun Thi? (yay! When I find Anita, I'd have the complete trilogy!), and Jab We Met today when I was in Mustafa doing a bit of comparative shopping (needed to stock up on sanitary pads and some toiletries before leaving) - my preventive remedy.

What I saw in the bus yesterday morning:



(On the left: a bible; on the right: I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist. Snort.)

A.R. Rahman & Shweta Shetty - 'Mangta Hai Kya'

Album: Rangeela OST

Mangta Hai Kya - AR Rahman

I've finally come to really realized today that if I want something that's available and being offered, I shouldn't be shy about voicing out my desire; as I was told by both C and her mother last year: Be shameless about it.

Was withdrawn and quiet (and a little down) during dinner, but I'm usually quiet when the boss is around, and I was sitting next to the boss. I'm a natural audience (read: wallflower) and he's a natural showman.

But I feel so much better now - so good that I've been wondering what a sausage wrapped with bacon (pig-in-a-blanket) means (other than a massive coronary waiting to happen). There's something vaguely dirty and lewd about it ... =|

Squeeeeeeee!

I have to say, today - tonight - has been pretty fucking awesome. Still hyped up from the Christmas Pole Jam even though I didn't ingest any of the sugary sins offered and suffered the mother of a calf cramp midway. I won 2 pressies too!

Looking forward to SY's Christmas party next week (hopefully there'll be an impromptu pole jam); disappointed I'll be missing Kimi's housewarming party next month. I'm gonna miss my pole-mates - for once, I feel like I really belong somewhere.

(Today: "You're gonna realize later that I liked you." (Past tense?, I'd thought, but only responded with a Gallic shrug.) हाँ, वह शैतान है, मगर मुझ को बहुत पसंद है.)

High today, low tomorrow. (Actually, I predict Friday's the day.)

Well, a little over an hour before the Christmas Pole Jam. Am in the office, having done with a not-good-at-all dinner; I should go shopping instead of sitting on my bum in the office web-surfing.

But I'd picked up my tin of cookies (CranLychee) from the Cookie Museum, and have another 500g bag of cookies (bought on sale months ago from Candy Empire) to lug around. So ... =|

I want something hot and sweet to drink, but the hot chocolates served in coffee places around here give me the runs. Very bad runs.

Sigh. But ... I want something hot and sweet and decaffeinated!

Asha Bhosle & Mohd. Rafi - 'Yeh Ladka Hai Allah'

Album: Hum Kisise Kum Nahin

Yeh Ladka Hai Allah - Asha Bhosle & Mohd. Rafi

Today: "Are you sure ...?", and, "Are you booked -?" (- "Yes.") सलाह कमीना! =/

Tomorrow: Christmas Pole Jam! Yay!


What's with the dreams I've been having of late? Sigh ... Well, I don't mind if they get whatever it is outta my system.

Asha Bhosle - 'Tanha Tanha'

Album: Rangeela OST

Tanha Tanha Yahan Pe Jeena - Asha Bhonsle

I know he's doing it on purpose to annoy me.

"You're really leaving ...?" my ass! "Our girl's leaving ..." my ass!

कमीना! वोह मुझे तंग क्यों कर रहा है? >=/

शैतान!

Was so tired yesterday after 2 hours of pole followed immediately by 4 hours in the office, by the time I got home, I was barely conscious.

Slept for nearly 12 hours - but with a huge production of a dream which had me waking up at intervals.

My back feels really bad. It's been that way for the past week or two. I hope it's just the weather ... and lack of pole.

=(

Duffy - 'Mercy'

Album: Rockferry



This song has some kinda hold on me ...

Anyway, so it occurred to me as I was walking Doggie tonight what (or part thereof) I've been experiencing is separation anxiety. I've gotten attached, and the impending separation is fraught with stress and anxiety for me.

Today the dotted lines were signed, so that's a bit of closure ... I guess, I hope.

Okay. Crash night. I laughed so much last night I was unable to fall asleep - and that too being bone-tired and after taking an Actifed pill.

Great dinner!

I want to rename the Unholy Trinity 'The Kinsey Scale'!

I keep thinking gatherings like these should be recorded for when I'm too old to eat and drink like a champion, and too decrepit to walk and laugh and yak (all at the same time).

Or, the video records could be spliced into a post-millennial 'Reality Bites (For The GLBT & Straight Alike)' of sorts.

Then I'd be able to look back and laugh my ass off, as I had tonight.

If I were old enough, I might even be able to die laughing.

Literally.

Had a terrible sleep last night because I had scary dreams which had me trying to avoid being mauled by a bunch of tigers, then getting tricked and rough-handled by someone I was too trusting towards, and finally trying to keep from falling into the river as I crossed from the pier to a vessel.

Still, I had no recollection of waking up with a heavily thudding heart even though I do remember the dreams and my waking up at some point.

Sigh.

=(

Gimme pole!

Duffy - 'Mercy'

Album: Rockferry



GR (EVP of Ops) dropped by our office today, being in town for some training our other local offices needed. He shook my hand, said, "I've heard a lot about you."

I didn't think much of it until my colleague (yes, the same one) finally told me why the CNHK MD had been talking about me to GR. But she didn't say what he'd talked about.

Bah! I stand by my previous opinion: Buncha fishwives!

=|

Good holiday. All I did was sit around and watch videos, and drink (instant) coffee.

Watching Hum Tum and KKHH for the umpteenth time, I figured if there's one thing that'd make me wanna marry (a guy) and hold a wedding - while simultaneously putting me off those things - it'd've to be Bollywood.

And the reason I watch Bollywood - besides beautiful people, beautiful clothes, beautiful songs, and WTF-dance sequences - is prolly the same one that makes Twilight so popular. (I'm guessing, because I've never read the series nor watched the movie - all I did was read why it might be so popular, and that rang really true for me during my pre-teen and adolescent years.)

Best find of the day:

I love Ms. Cho's tats! Have been thinking of visiting Alex again.

Hmm ...

Pole! From 16:30 to 19:45! How totally awesome is that? (Granted, I might not be able to climb outta bed tomorrow, and/or walk like I'm a decrepit centenarian - still ...)

I really wish I could Felix when I grow up ... even though I quite doubt she's entirely human ...

If she's gonna be doing Zumanity in Vegas, I want a front row seat!



Felix has set the bar pretty damn high ...

Sarah McLachlan - 'Ice Cream'

Album: Mirrorball



This song's been in my head lately. I think it began with rewatching a bit of Better Than Chocolate - by accident, I might add - which, of course, was named for the song. That was almost immediately followed by finding myself listening to SY sing it at her wedding dinner.

She apparently loved this song, so she not only sang it at the wedding dinner to her husband, she had her bridesmaids put it as a 'task' in the 'traditional' list of usually-embarrassing stunts the groom and his entourage of 'brothers' had to pull to be allowed into the bride's home.

That struck me as ... ironic - because of something'd told me.



Finished re-reading A Zen Romance ... for the Goddess-knows-how-many-times since 1999. I find that it calms me down, and helps me deal with change and moving - a bit like This Place Has No Atmosphere which, alas, I'd outgrown (a little).

Duffy - 'Mercy'

Album: Rockferry



Today, I was seized by a sudden fit of impulse: I was so, so, so tempted to send in an order for a 45mm chrome X-Pole.

It's only AUD 550 (including shipping) from X-Pole Australia whereas Kiwi Pole Fitness (in Lower Hutt) is retailing only the 50mm - and at NZD 890 and NZD 990 for the chrome and titanium respectively!

Okay, so I have one more reason to drop by SYD: Pick up an X-Pole.

I want one so bad it's not even funny ... =(

But the disappointing lack of a proper sturdy ceiling/beam keeps me from owning my dream 45mm, as well as a 50mm (I believe in mastering the international standard width).

Bad case of diarrhea last night and today. Must be the instant pasta I made. Or the instant hot chocolate.

Or both. =/ Had a terrible sleep, of course, waking up at some god-forsaken hour with a really, really, really bad tummy-ache.

The boss, having flew in from SYD yesterday afternoon, told me today that I ought to visit that city as it's just beautiful. He suggested I drop by for a few days en route to AKL; I told him it's not on the way. He scoffed and said I and "dearly beloved" (his words - that's what he's taken to calling her) could have a little holiday there.

Well, never say never - but if I were ever to drop by SYD, it'd be for at least one of a few things: Bobbi's Pole Studio, Mardi Gras, or someone I really miss.

Duffy - 'Mercy'

Album: Rockferry



I think I might be over the melt-down ... for now. The smear of residue of which still remains is a mixture of reluctance and your basic recipe for stress.



On a completely different topic, I have a theory: Whatever song Linna does a choreo to, I think it'll become my next earworm.

Duffy - 'Mercy'

Album: Rockferry



Tomorrow, if all goes well, I'll head off to NZIS to get my visa endorsed.


This song makes me wanna dance. Even though I'm physically exhausted and achey like an old woman and need sleep like a baby, I feel ... like dancing.

Song's just so damn perky!

It's been a really short weekend - short, as in I don't feel like I've had enough rest - yet it was really quite fun too.

Had the last of my workshops today, so no more official classes anymore. Sigh ...

=(

OMG my shoulders are so tight and achey - prolly from the spinning pole workshop. Hope I'd be able to crawl outta bed tomorrow for the final workshop ... =|

SY's wedding dinner was fun - it was definitely less boring than any of the wedding dinners I'd attended previously (all family affairs). It was nice to sit at a table of mostly familiar faces with whom you share a common passion - pole!

If I ever had an occasion (and the resources) to throw a huge party like a wedding, it'll involve burlesque and (tasteful) exotic dances, pole, and aerial silks and hoop performances, with a fetish/masquerade theme. It'll be the lovely offspring of Neil Gaiman's Mirrormask and Cirque du Soleil.

Leona Lewis - 'Bleeding Love'

Album: Spirit



How do I hurt myself - let me count the fucking ways:

1. Left shoulder blade and shoulder (no idea why)
   
2. Right collarbone and shoulder (today's workshop)
   
3. Left lower back and hip (Wed's pole prac)
   
4. Right pelvis, the fold at groin and thigh - I might've pulled or herniated something (today ... at work, I think)
   
5. Right knee - bruised and lumpy (today's workshop)

Sigh.

2 more workshops!

Leona Lewis - 'Bleeding Love'

Album: Spirit



I'm extremely tired, but super hyped right now. A wonderful night of pole performances!

It might be the two gin-and-tonics I had, but my back feels much better now (I'm at least able to bend over and straighten without any support) - hope it'll be back on form for tomorrow's advanced tricks workshop.

Looks like there's gonna be another Asian Pole Summit next year! I just gotta be here for it.

OMFG!

Did two of my ex-schoolmates get married? To each other?!

.
.
.

I want to be all awwwwww ... but I'm all eeewwwwwwww.

Not quite sure why - they weren't even in the same class. She was in mine, he was in the next. It's not even like they're related, right?

And I like them both - nice people.

But ...

I hurt the left side of my back kicking up into a (failed) attempt at brass monkey.

=(

I iz stupid.

And there're workshops to attend this entire weekend, beginning this Friday!

=...(

Dennis Brown - 'Things in Life'

Album: Anthology 1970 to 1995

It's not everyday we're gonna be the same way
There must be a change somehow
There are bad times and good times too
So have a little faith in what you do
'Cause you don't seem to realize
The things you've got to face in life
Today you're up, tomorrow you're down
So thank god that you're still around town

Though we've got to work like slaves
Just to eat a piece of bread
But as we go along each day we'll find
Happiness to sooth the mind 'cause
It's not everyday we're gonna be the same way
There must be a change somehow
There are bad times and good times too
So have a little faith in what you do

Dennis Brown - 'Things in Life'

Album: Anthology 1970 to 1995



The aftermath's just the same as having just (barely) recovered from a bad bout of stomach flu. I was consciously handling myself with kid gloves today, trying to spot a potential trigger before it could trigger me.

Was mostly fine today (boss wasn't in office), even with a marked lack of appetite; but as I was sent out to walk the dog, I almost had a mild relapse - it was like knowing you're about to vomit, but desperately hanging on to the fine balance needed to not hurl your insides out. Now I finally understand why Auntie Al'd needed someone to talk to 24/7 at her worst period. It could be terrifying otherwise.

Didn't want music as I walked, but when I did turn the mp3 player on, I found this song to be somewhat calming.

Well. It's gotta happen; better now than when I don't have any of my paperweights and supports around.

Tonight a Cat. 5 ripped right through and I sat for a long time gasping and thumbing through my phonebook. After two runs, I called Jason.

The catalyst ... it's kinda Mephisto (indirectly), but everything else that'd been hanging out in the background for the last few weeks/couple of months had also been snowballing.

The aftermath is just debris.

It's not a bad thing - I don't have the nausea or the gasping anymore - but we'll see about tomorrow.

After dinner, I watched bits of a local TV station's forty-fifth anniversary anniversary/gala-thingy - a channel I'd watched daily during childhood - so when a retrospective of the all the programs they'd created came up, it was a bit of a stroll down nostalgia lane.

But I realized, while I enjoyed the nostalgia, viewing the passage of time is terrifying for me, and it induced a sudden panic attack and severe case of insecurity.

Because I'm reminded that the passage of time is relentless and merciless, and even though I age with every second, I still feel as helpless and scared and dependent as a child on the inside.

My security blanket of choice: 'The Four Quartets' and 'The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock'.

Jamie Lidell ft. Jose Gonzales - 'Multiply (In A Minor Key)'

Album: Multiply Additions



My go-to mopey song.

Got a shock in the middle of class today - today's class'll be the last pole class the studio'll conduct until Jan '09; we would receive a voucher for a free class in lieu of the eighth class of our set (today's the seventh). I'm devastated.

Add that to all that stress I'm feeling recently, I'm really quite miserable, but life can only get worse.

Today we were taught the kitty combo and something that sounded like 'Dangerous Brian' but was later renamed inverted hanging angel - managed both easily. At pole prac, a third successful superman-to-chopsticks with Geri supporting.

As it turns out, I've been maligning our webmail somewhat, because it's partially my fault that its interface looks so antiquated.

See, Firefox 3 is my default browser, and on Mozilla, the interface is shite (same for Chrome, the other browser I'd downloaded onto my harddrive). But IE 6 (that came with the MS suite installed in my harddrive) - now that's a whole different story.

Had I used IE 6 to access our webmail (which isn't supported by IE 7), then I'd've enjoyed a more up-to-date interface: Hotmail circa early '00.

Paleozoic to Mesozoic is still a step up, no?

The entire office is forced to use webmail today because Outlook doesn't work. You wanna know exactly how terrible it is being forced to use the webmail?

Our webmail has an interface and functions slightly worse off than Hotmail circa 1998 1996.

That's how bad it is.

And it seems to time-out every other minute that I spend working on my database.

GAAAAAHHHHHHH! Today is pure purgatory!



Addendum (@14:36): WHY CAN'T WE JUST USE GMAIL?! ARGGGGHHHH.

The good: Am raring to get back on the pole and do that combo!

The bad: Am frustrated and furious I can't remember my ibanking log-in ID and PIN - and I absolutely refuse to pay the bank to have them reset those. Grrrr!

Skinny - 'Failure'

Album: The Late Lounge presents Boudoir Beats



Good: The guy at the soup shop gave me a half-portion of chicken ham sarnie today (came with corn chips); previously he gave me a half-portion of Waldorf salad. Very nice of him, but the reason I don't order anything with my soup (always the chicken & corn chowder) is that I know I won't be able to finish.

Very bad: Pole prac. Superman-to-chopsticks still no-go; chopsticks-to-superman ... half-go. Brass monkey almost-half-go.

I'm just so tired. And disheartened. I almost wept.

Why have I always been a failure / What can the reason be?

=(

Boards of Canada - 'Seeya Later'

Album: Twoism



Never let it be said I never say 'yes' - I bloody do. And today, I'm not even sure what I'd said 'yes' to.

Waiting for a transfer, I received a call from a chirpy-sounding girl from the Cookie Museum (I left my cellphone number when they prompted me to after I purchased a tin of scrummy mango-cranberry addiction) who told me they were launching new flavors for Christmas and LNY ... and I started drifting off. Maybe I have ADD or something, but I can never listen when my other senses aren't engaged (worse when I'm tired). I only caught "tasting" and "cookies" and "reservation".

I declined the reservation, saying I'd just drop by after work, but she said it tends to be crowded ... or something (she lost me again).

Then it seems I might've said 'yes' to something happening next Wednesday evening.

Fingers crossed "cookies" and "tasting" are heavily involved.

GAAAAH.

It never rains but it sure bloody pours. 3 different invitations to do something this Sat with 3 (mostly) separate social circles - Going Om, hang-out, or hen's night?

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Sigh ...

=(

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

What I'm reading about bruises is beginning to worry me.

But I just don't which which level of severity my bruises are.

The ones I got today - well, actually, they were from last Sat, healed a little, aggravated on Wed, healed a little, grievously aggravated today - they look disgusting. Still, they're nothing I'm not used to.

Today was disappointing: I failed to get either of the two tricks we were taught - the Skater (a rotating trick), and the Superman-to-Chopsticks combo. I think I hurt my right arm in attempting the latter; actually I dropped/fell against the pole, which wasn't entirely bad because that kept me from hitting the ground.

Miwagemini - 'Crazy Over You'

Album: This Is How I Found You



The nice evening I had had only abated a little the anxiety I'm having about the boss's tickets. I want to kick myself for not asking to be let in to personally drop the envelope into his letterbox. This is sloppy.

Sloppy is unacceptable.

Miwa Gemini - 'Crazy Over You'

Album: This Is How I Found You



So today it occurred to me I severely lack self-discipline - that's the reason I let myself get so morbidly morose during each lunar cycle. Self-indulgent emotional masturbation.

And it's been getting worse too, the downtime, in addition to stretching for longer and longer periods.

I think I crave discipline as much as I deplore (and reject) it. Heaven forbid anyone should try to discipline me ... Not that many hadn't already tried.

Will be without my paperweight in the next long week.

=(

Scarlet - 'Independent Love Song'

Album: Independent Love Song (single)



Dreamed last night I couldn't find my bag and was rushing around looking for it (what does it mean?). Was a restless sleep and I woke up so tired I almost nodded off while I waited for pole prac.

In the end, I didn't do my choreo during exotic (too shy to), but am still very happy I came up with one.

Pole prac was good - I got a (45mm) pole all to myself and I managed the brass monkey (1 time), the non-spastic iguana (2 times, at least), and the thigh hold (3 times!). My right shoulder hurts so much now from repeated attempts at the shoulder mount-chopper-serpent combo.

I'll prolly crash spectacularly tomorrow.

Miwa Gemini - 'Crazy Over You'

Album: This Is How I Found You



The boss poked me today. On the arm. With a single index finger. He's very careful to not touch me, but when he does, he does it in strangely juvenile ways.

I think my dad has a similar sense of humor to the boss. Talking about the insurance premium check I was to bank into my account today, I said, "What's the rush? It says here the check is valid for the next six months!"

"Yeah," my dad said, "but it's AIA - who knows when they'll collapse [here]?" then continued after I did a verbal eye-roll: "It's not a large amount, but it's not a small sum either! You know how many roast ducks you can buy with SGD 13,000?!"

Roast ducks?! =|

(As it turned out, we had roast duck for dinner tonight.)

More on food: I've had soups from Souperlicious these couple of days for lunch - pretty nummy fare for rainy days.



(I'm going crazy over this song, can you tell?)

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Apropos of nothing, the boss commented, as I turned to leave his office, "You're getting fat - why do you eat so much?"

I turned back to face him, exasperated: "What has that got to do with anything?" (So much like him to throw curveballs like that.)

He smiled, twinkled, and waved me away. Much later, he came out and insisted he was joking when he called me fat, said something about what business he had calling me fat when he is ... well.

But this is one thing I love about my boss (and hope to emulate). Narrating an anecdote once, he'd said, "... my being fat doesn't make you any thinner ..."

It's okay for the pot to call the kettle black - someone remind me again why it isn't okay in the first place, please.

My inner fat girl (once a fat girl, always a fat girl, no matter how much weight you lose on the outside) idolizes him.

Miwa Gemini - 'Crazy Over You'

Album: This Is How I Found You



The achey right side of my back I get, because yesterday's tricks were all about using the left side to hang on (horrendous bruising behind the left knee) while opening up and arching the right side, but I'm not sure whether my right shoulder/neck is achey because of the shoulder mount-chopper-serpet combo I attempted more than once (successfully!), or because of the fall I sustained from the pencil position (a couple of factors: 1) it was a 50mmm pole; 2) it was warm and my hands were sweaty).

Either way, I think this is one time I ache as badly as I look.

But I'm itching to get back on the pole, is what I'm feeling now.

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Today's tricks: Hanging Angel, Cupid, and Thigh (or, possible, Knee) Hold. They all gave me a very, very, very achey back - lotsa back arches. Sigh ...

And I'm so frustrated because I seem to have lost my Brass Monkey! =(

But my exotic choreography made some progress, so it's good.

I'm extremely exhausted though ...

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

This evening I had four hands and two hair-dryers attack my hair. That was the first time in my life I had two people blow-dry my hair concurrently, and it was ... scary.

I think the people who have to blow-dry my hair don't like me. After one guy went to work on my neighbor's hair, the guy stuck with my hair kept at it. And kept at it. And kept at it.

After my neighbor had paid up and left the salon, he caught my eyeing my neighbor's departure and said, "You have a lot of hair."

Then when he was finally done with the blow-drying, he repeated, "You have a lot of hair."

Am still uncertain whether he was trying to explain why he took so long, or whether he was complaining ...

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

I find myself being very stupid whenever I'm viewing the puppy cam ... like now.

Yes, I do realize I'm alternating among strange coo-ey, whiney, and growl-y sounds to match the puppies when I watch them fight.

Yes, I do realize I'm talking to them when I tell them to stop fighting, and when I ask, "Where's mommy?"

Yes, I do realize I'm talking to myself when I giggle and observe, "Heh ... Puppy butt!"

This got it down pat.

Okay, back to puppy cam!

Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam

Uh ... Uh ...

I'll make it short 'cuz I gotta watch them puppies. (Snorglelicious puppies! They're so fat and fluffy! I vant!)

Heh heh ... OMG, Yellow can sleep through anything! Me too! (Well, almost anything, wink wink.)

Uh ... Puppy butts are more interesting than blogging.

But I have to say, while I'm vicariously happy about the new POTUS, I'm even more upset - truly depressed - about the Prop. 8.

Puppy Cam keeps blood pressure low.

Awwwwww, they're SHO CUTE! Widdle pwuppies all fat and snorgly, come to mama!

Kettel - 'Palles’s Popsong'

Album: Myam James



Have been neglecting my work, I'm afraid ... =(

But, boy, am I exhausted. Sleep has been less than restful lately - I've problems falling asleep and I keep waking up; dreams - if I even had any (I'm not sure) - are not scary though.

Sigh.

Lykke Li - 'Dance Dance Dance'

Album: Youth Novels



I told the boss today when I'm leaving. It's a relief, but I also feel quite sad. There's really a lot I could gleam from Mephisto, not (just) by his instructions, but also through ... osmosis, I guess. I think his ways are beginning to rub off a little on me.

Also, he's just about the only person who actually thinks I have potential - and not because he's trying to be encouraging or supportive. While it is stressful to have that sort of constant pressure, it's also a driving force for me. I want to make something of myself too - I just don't have the direction; and, thus without direction, I lose the drive. (Vicious cycle, that.)

=(

I find myself preferring new songs lately.

Ingrid Michaelson - 'Be OK'

Album: Be OK



... And it's November. Already.

Pole competition is this month, together with the workshops, and a pole mate's getting married.

So much happening, but there's the second biggest hurdle of all yet ... Sigh.

Lenka - 'The Show'

Album: The Show



Today's new spin: 'Moon goddess'; today's new trick: 'Superman'.

The Hallowe'en pole party was fun - and definitely a real workout.

Jessy's joining the the competition; I'm still thinking about it. Sigh. =/

The sound of you sleeping

I keep hearing the opening lines of Wir sind Helden's 'Die Zeit heilt alle Wunder' in my head tonight ... Wonder why.

Hallowe'en pole jam tomorrow - should I risk my wings?

Watching you sleep

... but it's Crash Day, and this Thursday child has far to traverse - in Dreaming.

Over and out.

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here



Had a manic-depressive sorta day.

First thing in this morning, I found Christine, my favoritest lecturer, had done more than I expected her to when I sent her that tentative email yesterday: I found threads of emails she sent to various lecturers on my behalf. She seems genuinely excited and enthusiatic about my honors program - more so than me, I have to admit. But - it's infectious, so let's hope it stays that way with me.

Then I got depressed, and went to work on my sorely neglected database.

But Mephisto came in, was in a feisty mood, and chewed two heads off not long after stepping in. Me, it was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically. When his wrath isn't on me, I found it amusing - entertaining, even.

I must be ticklish around him today, 'cuz everything he said made me chortle. What's not to love?

Then I got depressed, again ...

The sound of you sleeping

All righty.

Maybe it's time for that haircut ...

Frank Zappa - 'Watermelon in Easter Hay'

Album: Y Tu Mamá También OST



I find myself in the unusual and strange position of being depressed yet determined.

Not quite sure what to make of it ... Though, it comes, it prolly goes.

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER. Joe has just worked himself into an imaginary frenzy during the fade-out of his imaginary song. He begins to feel depressed now. He knows the end is near. He has realized at last that imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals exist only in the mind of the imaginer. And ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway?! Excuse me. Who gives a fuck anyway? So he goes back to his ugly little room and quietly dreams his last imaginary guitar solo.

The sound of you sleeping

I sense I'm getting sucked into a vortex of anxiety - or, more probably, up my own ass from chasing my tail - and feeling stressed. I want to not get trapped in that anxiety, but I don't know how.

It's like you're about to step onto a bridge and just happened to look down ... and realized how deep and wide the chasm is, and how rickety the bridge is. If you want to make it across the bridge, you'll need courage: Focus on the other side while avoiding looking down - or you'll lose heart, balance, and focus, and fall.

All the way down ...

No safety net.

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here



Yesterday, Maple told me I have "nice lines" - whatever that means - and that I should enter the competition. I'm still in two minds about this matter. I just don't have the time to come up with a choreo and practise it.

... But I would like to have the experience.

Maybe I should think about a public performance before I think about competitions.



Somehow I love this song. It makes me fucking depressed (though not more so than the other Pink Floyd tracks, especially those from the boss's favored The Final Cut) and Roger Waters is a poet. These lines are killer:

We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have you found
The same old fears
Wish you were here

In the office, I loop this song and 'Watermelon in Easter Hay' on my mp3 player daily.

Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'

Album: Who's Got Trouble



Mephisto must be getting to me.

Today, having trouble getting the brass monkey (after visualizing it, breaking it down, and asking Geri for advice), I was ready to give up.

But since I can be very stubborn when I want to, I decided to give it one solid last try before putting the trick aside for next week. As I positioned and prepped myself for the kick-up, my boss's oft-repeated (Jedi) belief appeared out of nowhere in my head.

So I didn't try. I inhaled, then kicked up and went perfectly into brass monkey with none of those unslightly adjustments and repositionings. PERFECTLY. I was amazed.

Indeed, "there's no try".

I have my boss (and Yoda) to thank for helping me nail the brass monkey.

The sound of you sleeping

Am extremely tired, but felt better since Mephisto is back in the office; either that, or it's because I finally had my period (which started after he left for the day).

And he figured out how to get the two of us to lunch - today, he just told me, "Chicken rice ... 20 minutes."

20 minutes later, we were down in the foodcourt, with him ordering my meal, choosing the type of chicken (boiled, as opposed to roasted) to the kind of vegetables (leafy greens, as opposed to beansprouts).

Waiting to collect my food, somehow that scene in Secretary where Edward was dictating over the phone as to what Lee should have for dinner flashed in my head ...

NO.

Not what you're thinking.

At all.

=|

The Frames - Star Star (Pure Imagination Melody)

Album: Set List



Tonight, I had an especially clear realization of how spineless and weak-willed I am exactly. I mean, I've always known that for a fact, but tonight it'd hit me ... just so.

With people I like/love and respect and admire, I'm completely susceptible and don't stand a chance. Twisting my arm is like taking candy from a baby. I suspect it's because I don't want to disappoint them, and I want them to like me and not be upset.

This is so bad ...

=(

The sound of you sleeping

I dreamed last night I was driving. It was scary, because in my dream (as in real life), I didn't know how to drive. All I had was one foot on the accelerator, which I stepped on to go faster, and released to slow down.

It's not having a foot on the brake (not knowing where the brake is!) that was heart-stopping, because that meant I couldn't come to a complete stop; all I could do was steer in attempt to keep from crashing into something - and that too with my lousy spatial judgment.

There's something to be made of this dream ... I'll figure what it means exactly later. Too much in my head right now. Sigh.

Watching you sleep

Oh Goddess, just let me have my period for the month already! I'm way past insufferable now.

And I just bought me a kilo of cookies today! =/

(To be fair, Candy Empire's having a sale, so the 500g bags were going one-for-one at SGD 9.80 each.)

I think maybe I'll try to excuse myself to rush to NZIS to submit my application during lunch tomorrow; Mephisto'll be back in the office on Thursday.

I'm beginning to listen to his favorite music.

Watching you sleep

The lost of momentum is frustrating - one delay leads to another - and now I'm feeling apathetic, can't be arsed. There's a great sense of futility. I've even lost the desire to cut my hair (which is what I promised myself I'll do, either when I submit my visa application, or when I receive my visa). Now I can't care less, even though my hair is starting to get really unmanageable.

Krezip - 'That'll Be Me'

Album: Days Like This



Today, we tried the crane drop again, and was taught the brass monkey. I'm not getting either, but, with the brass monkey, I might get it faster than the former.

On the brighter side, it's nice to have challenges in pole again. Mephisto objects to the concept of "challenges" though, because, he said, if something is a challenge to you, then you're allowing for the possiblity of failure, and when you even entertain the thought of failing in that endeavor, you'd've failed. He might be right - I didn't get either trick in my first attempt - but I also think I didn't succeed because I was scared.

Received the registration form for the pole competition today. (Should I join?) Tonight, I started putting together my exotic choreo, which is interesting - it's like parsing a convoluted sentence, or fixing a jigsaw puzzle.

Watching you sleep

I'm sorry you woke up at the ungodly hour of 04:45 to listen to me rant about my day at work.

PMS-ing during the full-moon is doubly bad. Intellectually, I can see I'm somehow magnifying the tiniest, inconsequential things into overwrought operas of the Wagnerian kind; but emotionally, psychologically, I'm unable to control myself.

Even worse when my paperweight isn't around.

So I'm feeling hurt and disappointed and very, very guilt-ridden - among other things.

I wonder if it would've been better if I hadn't taken up this job in the first place ...

The sound of you sleeping

After the lunch meeting with Jen, Mephisto commented, "She's short for her height!" She got the job, as I knew she would, and I'm pretty sure he likes her.

But, as we were having our expressos, he said, "... but the best would be that you forget your stupid plan to run off to New Zealand ..."

Which is bad.

But the bit that made me feel the worst was when I tried to ask him how he'd like the transition to be (whether he wanted a seamless one, or if he could live with a short gap without a PA), he told me, "I don't believe I care to discuss that."

Then he turned the stereo back on loud and changed the topic to the music blasting from his speakers.

=...(

The sound of you sleeping

(I don't know what I'm looking at!)

So tired.

I must have OCD - I feel really icky when the different parts of my life (which I obsessively keep separate) begins to touch one another ... and, worse, overlap.

I feel so, so icky. I don't like it.

=(

The sound of you sleeping

Spent the morning being pissed off at the incompetence of the university. Then, unable to focus on work (being tired and achey), I somehow hit upon the idea to look for the opening titles for old, old telly series I used to watch in the 90s.

... and wouldn't ya know it - Youtube's gotta whole bunch of 'em. Renegade? Highlander? Blossom? I lmao'd at Renegade's opening. (Did I really use to find all these long-haired guys - Lorenzo Lamas, Adrian Paul, Joey Lawrence - cute?)

And older ones: Petticoat Junction? Beverly Hillbillies?

Best nostalgic favorite finds? Fun House! Lady Lovely Locks!

Watching you sleep

How much longer is the bloody receipt gonna take to arrive? I think I've lost the momentum. Sigh ...

And work is so boring these days. I keep feeling like I'm anticipating a holiday - which sorta makes every day the eve of a holiday ... except it's not - and maybe that's keeping me more relaxed.

But Mephisto wants me to feel even more relaxed - albeit around him, with him. I guess he still hasn't figured out I'd screw up whether I'm highly strung or completely chilled out. Me, I figured I'd rather be on my toes.

The sound of you sleeping

Head is buzzing with music, moves, and choreos.

Why am I so tired?

There seems to be so much I'm looking forward to, I worry about disappointment.

The sound of you sleeping

Yesterday, on my way home, there was a toddler fretting in the bus behind me. I turned around and we made eye contact, and, deciding to be nice, I smiled at her. Her eyes rounded; she fell silent.

I turned back. Soon, she started fretting again, and I could feel her little hands on my back and ponytail (the bus was that packed). I turned to look at her again and she looked at me. I widened my eyes, she followed suit; I grinned, she followed suit.

Since she calmed, I turned back. But then she started mewing again, struggling in her mother's arms, and now the child was trying to grab my hair, trying to get my attention.

Indian babies seem to love me for some reason ...

Melissa Ferrick - 'Drive'

Album: Freedom



Most ... interesting work day I ever had, all the doing of my (aptly named) Chihli Padi.

Wet spot, baby, gets wetter.

;)

Acute case of badtimingytis tonight: I'm extremely tired (it's always Crash Night after Hump Day), and the laptop almost BSoD'd on me (forcing a long, drawn-out shut-down), then I got stabbed by a really by tummy-ache (which I'd initially thought was gastritis) followed by a bad case of diarrhea.

The stomach problem the boss talked about (which eventually sent him home early) - it's not contagious, is it? And I've a dinner date in Little India tomorrow, too ...

Badtimingytis - sigh.

=(

Robi Draco Rosa - 'Dancing In The Rain'

Yup, this is one song I'm currently addicted to, and our E2 choreo to it is absolutely gorgeous. (Hurrah for chair-work!)

The boss, today: "You know what?"

"What?"

The boss: "How come you don't invite me to lunch anymore?"

Hmm ... I was just thinking the same thing. But, lunch, you know, is such a pain in the ass when you just don't fucking know what to eat. Also: I never invited him; he invited himself.

Jen has a 50% chance of taking over my job.

... Perfect!

The sound of you sleeping

Sigh ... Work, and the waiting game. Tomorrow, Wednesday, already.

The only thing I like about Wednesday - it being the hump day and all - is going to the studio for exotic class and pole prac.

Maybe one day I'll get to do aerial silks and aerial hoop - those look gorgeous.

Robi Draco Rosa - 'Dancing in the Rain'

Album: Mad Love



I absolutely adore this song; if only I could do it justice - but I'm just not that good dancer, I'm afraid.

All of a sudden, my appetite seems to have re-awaken with a vengeance ...

=(

Gotta focus on something other than food - like a choreo, maybe.

Robi Draco Rosa - 'Dancing in the Rain'

Album: Mad Love



Today's class: Ball (static) and a combination-spin - spiral into goddess. I managed both in the end, like, barely, and uglily.

But I nailed the combination of graceful climb into bat into bird-nest into hanging bow-and-arrow, ending with the jazz dismount (I did hit my head against the pole doing the dismount though).

Now I'm seriously thinking choreographies, 'cuz a bunch of us were sitting around with coffee, talking, and it seemed like everyone was quite keen to learn a choreo, so - hmm ...

Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'

Album: Feeling Good - The Very Best of Nina Simone



Awesome. I had an awesome night. The Vagina Monologues wasn't perfect, but it was hysterically funny at bits, sobering at others, and I absolutely loved the experience (not to mention, hey, they distribute packets of panty-liners - not green tea-scented though - in the middle of the play!) - WATCH IT! (The cast is composed of mostly eye-candies, from pretty femme-y chicks to a cute androgynous-but-not-Shane-type.)

After that I had a great time at post-show drinkies with Jen, SY, and Kimmy and her boyfriend. The conversation was great even though Jen found out some things I never told her, and I discovered quite a bit about my pole-mates and also krav maga, which Kimmy's boyfriend was picking up.

All great.

The sound of you sleeping

Learned a new word today, courtesy of my boss: Pavid. He'd insisted all Taurean women are pavid. Swear to god, this is a word I've never heard, seen, or read about in my entire life. Swear to god. This is why I was so attracted to my boss in the first place.

Told my parents over dinner what my boss'd told me about my job today; my mother kept sighing and telling me (in Mandarin), "Such a pity," and, "such a waste."

When I told them about what Gabriele'd said about how my boss felt about me, my dad chuckled, and my mother said (in Mandarin), "Some times it also depends on your 缘份 ..."

Don't know about that; I mostly only know about 有緣無份 ...

The sound of you sleeping

I figure I work better with parameters; not extremely stringent ones - broad, vague ones. Without any parameter, I prolly wouldn't be able to come up with anything (most of the time).

It's like, I usually wouldn't be able to write anything if somebody were to say to me, "Write a short story" - not unless I already have some ideas hanging at the back of my mind already - or, my boss's "Pick a place [to eat]".

But sometimes it takes awhile before I recognize parameters; sometimes, I identify parameters, (resent them) and have to figure how to work around them or even to ignore and avoid them.

Still, either way, I need parameters to be able to start anything at all, I think.

When I stepped back into the office after grabbing some lunch/snacks from downstairs, J told me I'd just missed my boss's call and he'd asked that I call him back; so I did.

After he picked up and I announced who I am, I asked if he'd wanted something; he said, "No, I just want to tell you the plane landed safely; I'm back."

And he went on to say how he'd planned to drop by the office but fell asleep with that thought, that his mind had been a little addled by the dry air in Milan - all the while I replied with monosyllabic yes/no-type answers.

I really can't be the P.A. he wants - would like - me to be ...

=(

The sound of you sleeping

I can see how it'll end, but since tonight's a dark moon night, I shall endeavor to keep that voice and those thoughts away, out.

It'd prolly be a better idea to put them down when I'm in a better frame of mind ... Even though I'd be less inclined to, once out of this frame of mind.

Something more trivial: I spend so many hours a day typing with my elbows resting on my desk that I've managed to cultivate a little blister on my right elbow. =|

Watching you sleep

Because of a miscalculation on my part, I think I'm in for a much longer wait than I'd anticipated. Obstacles of my own doing; shoulda known ...

This Monday onwards, I'll push harder to clean up the database - I really don't like sitting around feeling like I have no control at all (which is what waiting for something makes me feel).

I promise I'll tell the boss when I receive the approval I want and need, although how I could broach that topic is something I need to plan. (The whole truth and nothing but the truth, or partial truth mixed into a generous amount of vagaries, or a complete white lie?)

The sound of you sleeping

5 hours apart now ...

The sound of you sleeping

I seem to have lost my appetite. I mean, I get hungry and all, but I never know what to eat and don't know what I feel like eating, which makes eating a chore because then it becomes something you do for the sake of doing and not because you enjoy doing it.

Still, it's a timely - if annoying - thing to happen. It's official: I'm fat; have put on around 5 kilos since Jan this year. Those I've complained to so far have parroted one another - "It's muscles, not fats" - but I don't wanna look beefy either ...

=(

Watching you sleeping

2 more things, and I'm getting a trim ... And maybe a new pair of speccies.

Suddenly, I'm rather sick of the layout and skin of this blog. There's that itchy feeling again - of discontent (or something else?) - and it just begs to be scratched.

Maybe I'm bored.

The sound of you sleeping

... it really just struck me that I listen to you sleep a lot. A lot - like, every night. Sometimes I even get to watch you sleep(!).

Maybe you're right - it's almost as if we're dating our cell phones and laptops and Skype - but, right now, with 4 (5 next week) hours and a few thousand-odd miles between us, I'd rather have you breathing into my ear through the headset than falling asleep alone. In silence.

Is that a little bizarre?

The sound of you sleeping

Things seem to be at a sorta lull at work; maybe it's because in the part of my life that's not-work, I'm back in the waiting game. Wait wait wait, is all I do.

Wait.

I need a trim. Sooner rather than later.

The sound of you sleeping

Actually I managed to get into a headstand via a side split without my usual spastic twitch/jerk yesterday after several tries and 1 video recording.

Today I ache - neck, shoulders, head. Was caught in the fucking traffic this morning thanks to the F(ucking)1 road closures. Some lady fainted a stop before Suntec; the rest of us (including the bus driver) gave up the wait. Those working at Suntec walked nearly one bus stop's distance to work. And you know what it looked like? A mass exodus.

But no leader to part the bloody steel (still) sea.

I dread tomorrow's commute. I'mma try my luck with the trains.

The sound of you sleeping

Somebody not in my phone book sent me a text tonight that read: Hey I remember you love the White Rabbit milk candy - remember to throw them all away!

No idea who it was, yet I was too embarrassed to ask. Here you've somebody who remembers what I like to eat, yet whose number is somehow not in my phone book?

I texted back saying I in fact have a couple of those candies left but would prolly just eat the rice-paper wrapping; whereupon the reply was a resounding "NO". So I texted I'd prolly just keep 'em as souvenirs, and got the reply, "As long as they don't end up in your mouth [...] take care!"

How sweet - and I don't even know who it was!

(Although I think there's a 75% chance it's a girl - guys don't remember such stuff.)

The sound of you sleeping

Funny how it goes: I find myself tidying up around my room as I get (more) stressed out by the tideous and obstacles-ridden task of formsformsform - as if putting things away, tidying up, physically, will somehow tidy up and put things in their places in my mind.

If only things really worked out that way ... But, no, the things in my head have to be done physically too. They're sorta like Loops of Zen - things are somehow connected; to solve the puzzle, you need logic, and to work out the knots in the right order.

Sigh.

Last pole class, then a break of one Sat (stupid F1). We learned the jazz dismount and hanging side split today - not a lot of stuff, admittedly, but some of us were still struggling with the stuff we learned in previous classes.

Am addicted to this game currently. Despite the 'Zen' in its name, I feel anything but like my name playing it.

Now attempting to solve a level 26 puzzle (my "best level ever"): ARGH.

The sound of you sleeping

So stressed out by forms. =(

I try to tell myself, they're just forms - just fill them up, submit them, and you'll get what you want ... which you will.

But I know better: Something will screw up somewhere; there are always obstacles, and Thurday's child has far to go.

Why is it so difficult?

The sound of you sleeping

I don't wanna jinx it, but I think I caught a relatively high wave - and it still being a relatively full moon and all - so I'm gonna ride it out for all it's worth, use it to get things done, put myself on course. While I can.

Likewise, these couple of days my mind has been endlessly - almost prodigiously - spewing sentences ... But always too fast for the hand to record; too fast, even to trip off the tongue or trip it.

Still, that's not gonna keep me from trying to make a note of them somewhere - never know when these oases/mirages of words/sentences start evanescing, leaving me back in my barren desert.

The sound of you sleeping

I want to be able to call you. I want to be able to knock on your door. I want to be able to keep your key and to give you mine. I want to be seen with you in public. I want there to be no gossip. I want to make supper with you. I want to go shopping with you. I want to know that nothing can come between us except each other.



Winterson, Jeanette. The PowerBook. Great Britain: Jonathan Cape, 2000.

The sound of you sleeping

This quote from Kate Bornstein's Gender Outlaw is always lurking somewhere in my mind:

But there’s always one of them who looks at you
      with longing.
And that scares you the most,
Because if you let that longing into your heart, you have to
      accept yourself
      just the way you are.

It's taken out of context, but it rings true - at least for me.

I've seen me, my secrets - skeletons I buried so deep it'd take years of excavation to unearth them - the depth and darkness I'm so susceptible to. I haven't seen all of me, but that's enough for me to realize ... I can't accept myself the way I am - and I don't think anybody should.

What scares me the most, I think, is the person I look at with longing looking back at me with the same longing ... I'm afraid for the both of us.

The sound of you sleeping

When TC found out the year I was born in, he asked, "Do you want me to introduce my brother to you? He was born in the same year as you!"

Bizarre reason, that.

I'm spring-cleaning at work. Putting aside my database for a bit today, I worked on tidying up my boss's personal file; a couple of hours tomorrow oughta be enough to complete that.

I keep remembering Doreen's (I think) words (which goes something like): Nobody is indispensible; if you are a truly efficient worker, even if you weren't around, everything will still be able to go on seamlessly.

Suppose I'm working with that now.

The sound of you sleeping

After the boss left today, the financial controller asked, "Your boss is going away for the rest of the month - will you miss him?"

I will - not that I'll ever admit to any of my colleagues that I'm really quite fond of my boss: He's the paperweight of logic and reason; without him around, the slightest breeze will cause the loose leaves of my thoughts to scatter.

The bigger and brighter the moon, the more her beauty stirs the calm surface.

The sound of you sleeping

Tonight in the park: Hordes of Chinese people (especially children) with (mostly) paper lanterns, and three Indian guys plays cricket without the benefit of wickets.

And an overweight middle-aged woman who tsked in annoyance at me when my dog ventured within 5 inches of her for a sniff: "Tsk! Why your dog liddat one?"

I heard her, even with headphones on, and I almost wanted to demand of her slighter husband (who was trailing three steps behind her), "Tsk! Why your pig liddat one?"

No, dearie - fight with a pig at her level and you'll both get dirty - and she'll enjoy it - so be good.

The sound of you sleeping

Exhausted. Something somewhere hurts ... again. But we were taught 2 other variations of the spiral and also two variations of an invert, the star.

Good practice.

I've got some patches of broken veins (I think) on my cheek bones, it seems. I can't imagine how I got them (they appeared after pole prac).

The sound of you sleeping

I don't want a pillow I want your moving breathing flesh. I want you to hold my hand in the dark, I want to roll on to you and push myself into you. When I turn in the night the bed is continent-broad. There is endless white space where you won't be. I travel it inch by inch but you're not there. It's not a game, you're not going to leap out and surprise me. The bed is empty. I'm in it but the bed is empty.



Winterson, Jeanette. Written on the Body. London: Vintage, 1993.

The sound of you sleeping

The first of what (I fear) would be a series of stumbles and obstacles: My doc has taken over a week to complete my medical report ("It's not urgent, right?"), and when I went to collect it today, I was told he'd forgotten a blood test; which meant I needed to give more blood (the doc-on-duty used a different vein and had problems drawing enough blood, which meant I'd get a bruise from the needle); which meant another wait for another test result.

I can only grit my teeth and soldier on ... I have to.

Tonight'll be awesome - I've just taken 2 different types of pills that are drowsiness-inducing - but tomorrow will be really fucked.

The sound of you sleeping

Re-started on Written on the Body, and made the fastest and farthest progress I have in all the time I was reading it. Call me biased, but, so far, it's been nothing but wondrous and beautiful.

Was tempted today in Borders by the books of poetry by Charles Bukowski, but I didn't buy any. I don't like buying books without having read them; I want to be sure I like a book (or that it's good) before purchasing a copy for myself.

There are no guarantees in life, but if it could be helped, I always like to buy myself a little certainty.

The sound of you mumbling =)

It's such a treat when you watch a truly gifted dancer perform before your eyes, even without costumes or whatever - showmanship transcends the need for those frills.

So Linna showed us the choreo for the second module and I was in awe, because seriously, I've never seen a better dancer live.

So it was really a treat ...

And, I think I might retire my dance shoes tonight.

Sigh.

=(

The sound of you sleeping

Good news: It's muscular after all.

Even better news: I only need to take about 5 days off to rest it.

Best news: I get Norgesic to relax the muscles - which might also put me to sleep! (Woot!)

My doc's a funny guy sometimes. Asked I, "So I only need to take 5 days off, right?"

Doc: "Yes; don't over-exert the muscles."

"5 days from now?"

Doc: "5 days from when you want to stop hurting."

=/

The sound of you sleeping

I bought medicated plasters (a pack of 3) before dinner yesterday and I've been using them ... to no avail. Scarily, I think that might mean my injury is not in fact muscular ... =(

Hopefully it feels better tomorrow.

Sigh.

The sound of you sleeping

Jen and I finally did dinner at Les Bouchons, and we walked past Toca Me a few times. She thought the crowd (on the outside) looked very young, so we didn't go in and ended up at Loof for drinkies.

My side hurts pretty bad now; not sure whether I'm hoping it is a pulled muscle (and not, say, cracked ribs) or not. I'm unwilling to stop pole for even 2 weeks for it to heal - and whatever it is, it sure as hell will take more than 2 weeks to go away.

=(

The sound of you sleeping

It occurred to me as I was showering just now that this unusually busy day for me reminded me of the crazy EoQ's I used to have with my previous companies, tallying and compiling and what-not - and I kinda missed them.

Was so busy today I didn't have the chance to communicate with anybody about anything other than work.

Even the boss - I prolly spoke less than 5 words to him today. He asked his usual, "Are you okay?" and then proceeded to tell me he was feeling better (I didn't ask - I never do), etc.

I won't see him for most of next week; I think I might miss him ... just a little.

Crash day. Stomach is back to feeling weird. The older I get, the more fucked up my insides are ... never mind the outside.

My colleague (for the second time in as many days) alluded to something the CNHK MD said about me - to other people. I'm curious and wary. Ol' boys, fish wives - bah.

The boss called in sick today, ending off with, "... don't worry - I'll survive." Had to ask him to repeat that last part because I wasn't sure I'd heard right. Does he want me to show more care and concern than my usual indifference?

The sound of you sleeping

Was impeded at pole prac by terrible cramps in my lower body (butt, legs, feet, and toes). Two girls have told me to eat bananas and I shall have that fruit for lunch tomorrow.

Still couldn't manage birdnest even though I had a spotter. I have to start visualizing doing it, plus a shoulder-mount to chopper combo.

Also, finished with intermediate 3 today; no news on when there'll be an advance class I can sign up for. Guess this is as far as I can go in salsa for now ...

Def Leppard - 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'

Album: Hysteria



Have been obsessed lately with the database I work on. It's written in-house and still evolving, so it's very buggy.

I sit at my workstation up to 5 hours at stretch (yes, I do worry about DVT) working with the database, the reports it generates daily, GIMP, Excel, Powerpoint, and my email, earphones plugged in. Today, I decided I'd like to see the records for the offices I'm responsible for rid of errors before I go.

Never let it be said that when I'm obsessive, I'm not compulsively so.

Like how I've been listening to this song on repeat, 3 days and counting ...

The sound of you sleeping

It's been a terrible Monday: Screwed up the boss's flight out of SIN today; it was only through his infallible good luck with all things concerning travel that I managed to get him not only in the class he wants, but also his preferred seat.

In his harangue, he cited, once again, The Devil Wears Prada, which, to him illustrates the epitome of what P.A. should be, but which is a caveat against selling out and losing oneself to me.

It's obvious I'm really not cut out to be a P.A.; prolly will tender when he returns from Milan next month.

Doc drew 10 cc today, remarking I have "good veins ... unlike other girls", but that my blood is so bad "[a] vampire won't want it". =|

The sound of you sleeping

Is it wise to set a timeline, I wonder. Historically, they've done nothing to keep me on track, and I've always, but always, deviated from them. Which makes them an exercise in futility. And yet I persisted in making them. Hm ...

I find myself liking my night antihistamines more and more - they put me to sleep so effortlessly - even the downside (trouble waking up, waking up too groggy) seems negligible. I wish I could take them every night.

Def Leppard - 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'

Album: Hysteria



I wish my parents had pushed me into gymnastics in addition to ballet when I was a kid: Maybe I would've been stronger as a grown-up - and more flexible too.

Those kids - I'm so envious of them - they're doing press handstands. I could weep.

We tried coming down from headstand into a side-split at pole prac today - none of us could it. Not even Jasmine.

Sigh ...

Finally caught WALL·E today (with Jen) - it's awesome! I wanna watch it again! And again!

And again!

Great thread at MeFi too.

Will head on down to Baybeats tomorrow after pole with Jen since the dinner with Aileen and Carrie has been postponed indefinitely.

Starting next month, I will get my act together. Enough with the procrastination already ... =/

The sound of you sleeping

It was a sleepy afternoon until you sent me those texts ...

After which, I was wide awake - but unable to concentrate on my work, because even though I was staring at my spreadsheets, I was fantasizing about ... Stuff. ;)

:::

On a more sombre note: Requiescat in pace, Del Martin.

I'm really glad she and her partner were able to marry. Again.

.

The sound of you sleeping

... but you're sleeping so silently ... =(

Color me nonplussed. Jen and Jit planned a night out at a lesbian bar.

(Wait, wha-? Right?)

And Jen even found this. The article made me giggle so much I almost forgot to roll my eyes at the epitome of lesbian hair (Shane's famed mane in season 2 was so dorky) - I mean, why couldn't it be Alice's or Jenny's (in season 2) or Marina's hair? I love Alice's funky 'dos; and - hello? - did nobody notice what Marina can do with a scarf? (I like Lara's hair too - yeah, okay, I love red hair ...)

Sigh. Okay, off to bed or get really fucked tomorrow.

(Boss already called me "catty" today =( ... I'm bitchy, not catty.)

Dinah Washington - 'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby' (Rae & Christian remix)

Album: Verve Remixed



Every time I hear the opening beats of this track, I gird my loins (figuratively and literally) for some 5 minutes' worth of crunches ... Because that's how we've been starting pole class for weeks now. (Paging Dr. Pavlov.)

Skipped exotic class today because - egads! - I forgot to bring my shoes. This has never happened - evar - except in my dreams. And, by gawd, I only realized I'd forgotten when it was close to noon.

Must. Go. For. Pole. Tomorrow.

K's Choice - 'I'm Not An Addict'

Album: Paradise In Me



Actually, I'd lost some skin to the burns after all ... Sigh.

Saw the doc tonight and asked him (by-the-way) to measure my hemoglobin count - I'm up 1.0 g/dL from my last blood test (about 8 months ago), but still below the average of 12.0 g/dL for females. Can't stop taking the folic acid evar, said the doc ... Sigh.

Also weighed myself while in the doc's waiting room - I've put on 4 kgs since last year! ... Sigh.

But now I got pills (for the flu) that'll put me to sleep at night (hopefully) ... Yay!

The sound of you sleeping

It's been raining the whole weekend (how awesome?) and it feels like year-end already. I must've caught some bug again because my head feels like it's about explode - again.

But I'm so glad you're home, baby.

Midge Ure - 'Breathe'

Album: Breathe



I crave coffee - the smell, the taste. Had to have one (a kopi peng) after pole prac today, and it was a strong one, so now, even though I'm yawning, I can't sleep.

And I feel hungry even though I had leftover noodles (from lunch) around two hours ago.

I want some insane all-out dance night ... But now I'm too embarrassed by the way I dance to do it in public. With a guy.

Sigh.

I think I'm ready to crash.

My upper body aches badly, especially the right side of (the back of) my ribs. I'm 50% sure it's the muscles in the area that hurt, not the ribs themselves. I'm also having twinges in my left elbow, which is driving me nuts because every time I have a twinge, it affects my ability to use that arm.

All that aside, I'm thinking of taking up pilates because I couldn't find any contortionist classes here. Also, if I could find aerial silk classes, I'm there.

The sound of you sleeping

I miss you, baby.

So tired ... and my right side hurts.

I figured out what's wrong with my shoulder mount (video-taping helps), but ... I still have a long way to go to get there. My core muscles are abysmal.

I don't want to think tonight ...

Ruthie Henshall - 'I Dreamed A Dream'

Album: Les Misérables 10^th Anniversary Concert



I think I need Mephisto around, physically. He serves as a reminder and will keep me on track, otherwise I forget, get sidetracked, lose track, and get stressed and scared just thinking - what he called "chasing your own tail [until] you get sucked up your ass".

Managed a headstand yesterday, and a handstand today - things I couldn't do as a nubile teen (including splits), I'm doing it as an old woman. "You're still very young," is what those men tell me; then again, they each have at least half a decade of experience, of course I'm still "very young" to them.

"Very young" - and feckless, I think.

Lea Salonga - 'On My Own'

Album: Les Misérables 10^th Anniversary Concert



I've been thinking a lot of Philip Larkin's 'This Be The Verse', especially when it comes to my boss, and since Saturday.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Read it when I was 12, and it'd stuck with me through the years. Can't be more true.