Frou Frou - 'Hear Me Out'

Album: Details

This morning, I read this quote on the tag of my Celestial Seasonings Earl Grey teabag: "Where there's life, there's hope. - Terence"

I'm still alive, I know; therefore, I should still have hope.

Hope.

Sean Kingston - 'Beautiful Girls'

Album: Sean Kingston

The first two people I showed off my newest baby to had polar reactions.

Rach turned away, covering her eyes, shrieking, "Eeeeek!"

(A moment later, she turned back for a second look, apologizing, "Sorry, I freaked out ...")

Jit, however, the very first person who saw my baby, thought it was sexy; in fact, she liked it so much she wanted one ... but "only if I can get anesthesia first!" =/

Just for her positive reaction, I promised to get it on with her the next time we party.

Frou Frou - 'It's Good To Be In Love'

Album: Details

Realization of the day: I want someone who wants me, not someone who couldn't make up their mind or is unsure.

But I currently want someone I don't know wants me the same way I want them or not (I think not), but at least now I know who I'd like to give a lap dance to.



Maybe this will pass soon ...

Frou Frou - 'Ssh'

Album: Details

So I came home, went up to my room, and there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find the sister who told me, "Mom's been asking me if you're lesbian ..."

I nodded, and shut the door.

Am still too enamoured with my newest baby to worry or care.

I know what I'd written before, but I was so down when I left work today (arrivederci, Mephisto), I tumbled straight into the arms of my usual comforter.

Can't wait for him to send me the pic of my (still unnamed) baby!

Doobie Brothers - 'Listen to the Music'

Album: Greatest Hits

I thought I was happy because I was kept so very busy at work, thought (laughably enough) I might be workaholic.

Then I realized ... I'm only not unhappy.

Because I didn't have the time or breath to dwell and linger on it.

Work doesn't make me happy; it only keeps me from thinking.

And when you don't think, you don't feel.

Abra Moore - 'Taking Chances'

Album: No Fear

I feel 'it' has plateaued, although I'm not quite sure what it is. Perhaps a large part of it my life, I think.

And I can't stand it.

No no no no no no, I can't.

But I don't know what to do about it.

Nine Inch Nails - 'Eraser'

Album: The Downward Spiral

I realized I've started spending the money I'd been saving towards building my castle; it's almost as if subconsciously I've already known for a fact the castle wouldn't be built and gave up all hope.

But it's just occurred to me that it's time to let go, so I can truly start anew.

Even if what I gotta let go and what I'm looking forward to and desire are almost the same thing.

Almost.

Gotta give up the dream I dreamed for the one I want to start dreaming.

I Am Kloot - 'Proof'

Album: I Am Kloot

I need something more.

.
.
.

If only I knew what.

Diana King - 'Shy Guy'

Album: Bad Boys OST

I just remembered her telling me how she liked this song when we were fourteen. A little strangely enough, I woke up hearing this song in my head, wondering why.

Ohhh ... she's pregnant and engaged; wish I could give her a big, big hug.

I do wonder sometimes if I tended to be drawn to girls who are a lot like her after meeting her, because she's just ... everything.

Like she'd set the benchmark or something.

The second girl I followed after (the first being Lizard), but ... the first girl, first woman, in everything else.

k.d. lang - 'Sexuality'

Album: All You Can Eat

It's occurred to me that I want - need - to be seduced.






By Aphrodite, if I could have it my way.

Hector El Father - 'Esta Noche De Travesura'

Album: Hip Hop and Reggaeton Revolution

We found the fuck-you boots today, Jit and I! Black shiny PVC with stiletto heels!

I feel they're changing me, the girls; not certain at all the change is a positive one, but ... I seem to be enjoying myself, so for once I'm gonna fuck it and just live it up while it lasts.

Pole sessions on temporary hiatus 'til we find a new studio, I now have the exotic dance performance team rehearsals to look forward to.

And a pole/exotic/strip/lap dance "boot camp".



Somehow, though, I know it's so wrong to be blinkered by all these ...

Arash ft. Rebecca - 'Temptation'

Album: Arash

Fuck.

Can't sleep.

No pole session tomorrow as studio has been sold.

There was this woman who was on the same flights to and fro: Very strongly attractive; and I couldn't stop looking at her.

I wonder if she recognized me - or at least my Birkies - the second time round ...

Erma Franklin - 'Take A Little Piece Of My Heart'

Album: The Very Best of the Blues

Every time I fly (back) into Singabloodypore, it's a confirmation of how this place really, really sucks, which is why, whenever a (non-Singaporean) friend asks what Singapore has to offer to a tourist, I'd be stumped.

I think my favorite buy of this trip - the first in more than six months(!) - would be a (secondhand) copy of Early Erotic Photography for just SGD 8!



Don't dare to think what awaits me in the office on Monday ... =(

Mama Cass Elliot - 'Dream A Little Dream'

Album: The Best of the Mamas and the Papas

Well.

Soon to be off for most of the week, and packing's a bitch. I keep thinking I'm going to Bangkok (I'm not), which is pretty strange.

It is inertia alone that keeps me in one place.

Daddy Yankee - 'Gasolina'

Album: Barrio Fino

I'd meant to post a reminder-to-self about something that'd seemed to be pretty revelation-ary.

... What was that thought I had again?

Grrr.

Don't you just hate it when you don't get drunk - or even just high - enough to forget you've forgotten to remember?

=/



Hmm ... 'Gasolina'.

Still. Vant. To. Dance. Reggaeton just rocks, lah.

Blog 27 - 'I Still Don't Know Ya'

Album: LOL

Has been an odd sorta day, I think, though not a bad one at all.

Danced with a sexy (yes, Hege was right; he was sexy, in retrospect) bald guy (last event of this loooong day). He was a pretty good dancer, salsa background maybe. Hege speculated he might be Cuban; I don't know any better.

Unfortunately, he and I had different agendas.

As I told Hege, "Just because I find your couch pretty doesn't mean I want to fuck it ..."

I wish I found him attractive though ... =(

Radiohead - 'Creep'

Album: Pablo Honey

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here
I don't belong here

Goddess, this song is So Fucking Emo.

Unfortunately, things are only ever funny when they happen to someone else ...

Radiohead - 'Creep'

Album: Pablo Honey

Had a thought today: I'm not pretty, not smart, definitely not funny, and have no abilities or talent whatsoever to speak of; so exactly what kinda career can I possibly have?

Guess all I want is to find something I like doing, and do it best as I could.

(Also, in reaction to certain ... doctrine ... inculcated since childhood, to strive to be as ugly as I can manage - I don't think that's entirely bizarre at all.)

Maybe I can be a professional wallflower or doormat.

That's a thought ...

Nirvana - 'Come As You Are'

Album: Nevermind

My poor baby ... My heart aches at the sight of her. Wish she didn't have to be sterilized.

And it seems like I have hurt my right wrist.


=...(

Can't something good happen to me?

.
.
.

Or had it, already?

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat (Single)

Sometimes, I feel so bad about myself I need to make a change - however small - to feel better about myself.

Like a piercing.

It does make sense.

Ms. John Soda - 'Done Twice'

Album: Drop Scene

Walked right into the bed and the stairs railing yesterday, resulting in extra bruises.

And it's occurred to me that I seem to be always walking into things with my eyes open.

Eyes open - walk into things: Pain - self-inflicted.

At the end of the day, it's all my fault.

Always has been.

Ms. John Soda - 'Sometimes Stop, Sometimes Go'

Album: Notes And The Like

For one prolonged moment at work, I felt it was making me really unhappy.

I think ... There's a lot that I want (in more than one sense), but I just don't know what. I wish I do, but I don't. Why can nobody understand that but me?

Right now, dance is my only escape.

But I really, really, really don't know what else I can do.

Fujiya & Miyagi - 'Transparent Things'

Album: Transparent Things

Okay.

I think, if Auntie Al commented that I looked like I'd lost a lot of weight, it's time to start worrying about the inches.

Grrr. Why is it that the inches around my ass and tits are the first to go, and the ones from my waist never?

I suspect I'd dropped a bra size.

Is worrisome sadness!

=(

Melissa Ferrick - 'Drive'

Album: Freedom.

Everything sounds muffled; can't feel feet; am extremely dehydrated; back hurts from stupid heels.

Strangely enough, it was kinda fun (and funny - but that's another story).

What creatures are human beings who derive pleasure from grinding and humping total strangers to deafening music? I wish they allowed me to be barefooted; woulda been so much nicer dancing if that were the case.

Z-Trip vs. Run Run Run - 'Fade Into You' (Mazzy Star cover)

Album: Endless Winter

Still very, very, very exhausted. And dehydrated.

Wonder how I can back out tonight ... The prospects of spending a high voltage evening in some club is enough to send me into a coma.

What I really want is a nice quiet evening, and twent-four hours of rest.

Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'

Album: Who's Got Trouble

So, so, so tired.

Don't feel loved tonight; need a cuddle.

None forthcoming.

=(

Jamie Lidell ft. Jose Gonzales - 'Multiply (In A Minor Key)'

Album: Multiply Additions

I know Hege was absolutely right when she said, "It's not my duty to heal anybody, to make them better ..."; and also when she said, "Life is too short to feel guilty or bad about things ..."

But recognizing a truth intellectually has never meant being able to do it; and the impediment is always a psychic/emotional one.

I think it might be the six formative years spent in a Methodist school from which germinated my propensity for guilt and the obsessive compulsion to atone for all my sins.

There's so much I feel I could learn from her ...

Federico Aubele - 'Esta Noche'

Album: Gran Hotel Buenos Aires

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize saying 'yes' - making the conscious decision to say 'yes' - means opening myself to different experiences; that, indeed, "To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence." (Otto Hoffman in Waking Life, Richard Linklater, 2001.)

Am I on an accelerated and steep learning curve here?



An hour with my (yes, mine) pole makes all the difference to my least favorite day of the week, the pinnacle of a dreary work week.

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat (Single)

I just had a thought; not sure what I was thinking when I thought it.

If I gave up an abandoned past and a future that may very well turn out to be merely a smokescreen ... even if I did -

Will there be anything - will there be more - that would come now?



What would I choose?

Tracy Bonham - 'Whether You Fall'

Album: The L Word: Season 3 OST

Have made the decision today to be a risk-taker. Calculated risk-taker. (Or maybe just to err less on this side of caution.)

And then I went and had about four inches of my hair lopped off (I wanted more, but my hairdresser wouldn't).

It always takes forever to blow-dry my hair, and as I watched the shampoo girl painstakingly part, pin up, and brush-and-blow-dry my hair, it occurred to me I'm a lot like my hair:

• Not entirely straight;
  
  
• Will have some semblance of straightness after much pain and effort;
  
  
• Will lose all semblance of straightness after a couple of hours in the breeze; and
  
  
• Needs to be heavily pulled down into straightness.

Goldfrapp - 'Human'

Album: Felt Mountain

I can't do the following without feeling something in my ribs and down my sides that spans the spectrum from mild discomfort to outright pain - inhale deeply, raise my arms, sneeze, blow my nose, laugh, and cough.

And that pleases me insanely; because that means I had pushed myself in yesterday's session (albeit, in my opinion, not nearly enough).

Can't wait for our extra session this Wednesday!

Nirvana - 'Lithium'

Album: In Utero

In addition to bruises on my feet, ankles, shins, knees, and inner thighs, today's haul includes bruises on my ribs (both sides), outer thighs, and the sides of my heels. Well, as Hege kept repeating, "WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE!"

Um, yes, ma'am ... =|

Went into two sex shops in the course of our meandering: I think I need to start a sex shop fund and make a shopping list soon ... even though I thought the breadth and depth of the merchandise were pretty lacking.

I definitely want a whip and leather ankle and hand cuffs.

And leather gloves (opera-length).