The Cranberries - 'Dreams'

Album: Animal Instinct

Have to keep reminding myself: Be. Patient.

Because if it should seem bad now, it'd be much worse later.

Because it's always when you're just - just - within reaching distance, fingertips glancing the shiny red skin of the apple, its refreshing sweet scent teasing your nostrils, that even a fraction of a milimeter would be light years away, and it would take several lifetimes - or never - to have it in your grasp.

For some, this may be 'relativity'; for me, it's merely किस्मत.

إن شاء الله, I will dream again.

Tracy Chapman - 'Give Me One Reason'

Album: New Beginnings

Emailed Christine today. For all I know, this could be just a tiny baby step in Sisyphus' upward schlep.

But: One step at a time.

Feel oddly ... incomplete today - stranded? aground? - maybe I'm going for 'stalled'; like I'm supposed to be going somewhere but got stuck in traffic, in a jam so wretched nothing's moving, least of all not me.

I fear men in power (as foretold) would have their hands in the manipulation the course of my river's flow.

Death Cab For Cutie - 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark'

Album: Plans

In the bathroom just now, I reframed my question from another perspective. Instead of thinking about a possible career/job option, I thought: How do I wanna give back to society.

The short of it (reflexive): I don't, not really, because I don't particularly like society.

But then I remembered the wonderful people - strangers - who'd helped me, some without even being asked, who'd touched my life, and I just knew I wanted to be like them: I want to help people; perhaps emotionally, maybe spiritually.

I think I should be a tarot card reader, or the like.

=)

The White Stripes - 'I Don't Know What To Do With Myself' (cover)

Album: Elephant

I want a haircut. With bangs.

And I know I'll regret it.

29^th July. Bye-bye ... something. (Illusion of hope? Desperate wild final grasp at anything that could save/help me?)

.
.
.

Exactly just what is my dream?

लता मंगेशकर - 'चलते चलते'

Album: पकीज़ाह OST

Throat sore. I don't know how or why. =(

Rewatched bits of मुग़ल-ए आज़म and all of पकीज़ाह today. Felt like a good day for melodrama in gorgeous dress.

I love Meena Kumari, the overwhelming sorrow and tragedy she wore in her aura, her tearfully-breaking voice.

Sadness always steals my heart; I don't know why. I give my heart to sadness and it hands me back a pulpy, bloody mess, beyond recognition, perhaps beyond repair: There is such a thing as "asking for it".

Must watch myself these full moon nights. Be aware. Beware.

The Doors - 'Break on Through (To the Other Side)'

Album: Forrest Gump OST

Mental note: Empty black sesame seeds into canal tomorrow night; visit temple and offer milk to Durga on the night of the full moon.

Well.

I did get what I wanted, didn't I? To be the moon, not the sun?

Be careful what you wish for, indeed ...

=(

Jarvis Cocker - 'Black Magic'

Album: Jarvis

They have absolutely no sympathy for me, my girlfriends - and they think I'm gullible, have been lied to, cheated, and molested.

How can they not have any sympathy for me?!

=/

Then again, when was the last time I was laughing till I wept?

Right - the last time we had dinner together.

I love my girlfriends (even if they have no sympathy for me)!

Love you both! =)

Yo La Tengo - 'Don't Have To Be So Sad'

Album: Summer Sun

Bob would comment, "What a nice cubicle!" every time he passes my cubicle. It was supposed to be his, but he hates it, so my boss gave him mine. Without asking me. (But of course, I'm just a lowly minion.) Now I have no privacy. =/

"I'm trying to get you to think that!" Bob said when I gave him a look.

"Yeah? Ask me again in a month," I told him.

Then I realized I mightn't even have a job in a month's time.

=|

Hair is longer than I'd thought; I want a haircut - with bangs.

Byrds - 'Turn! Turn! Turn!' (To Everything There Is a Season)

Album: Forrest Gump OST

I wonder if I'd ever get across the river, even one stone step at a time. I really think I'm not cut out to do HR work: Was so sad for Steve today, another head culled. I really like Steve a lot, even though we've never really communicated. He just seems like a really nice bloke - and he shares the same date of birth as WJ.

He called me "young Serene"; as in, "Dave, would you please help young Serene with her printer problem?"

Nobody's called me 'young' in ages!

I wish he didn't have to be retrenched ...

=...(

Bon Jovi - 'Postcards From The Wasteland'

Album: Bounce

I's so tired. And achey-breaky.

I misses you.

=...(

Rufus Wainwright - 'Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk'

Album: Poses

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

And he did tell me that night that it is in my life to be forever hurt and disappointed by the people I love and care about.

He also said to learn to forgive and forget ... myself included.

=...(

Etta James - 'I Just Wanna Make Love To You'

Album: Smooth Jazz

Yessssss!

Back a little strained, and knees uglily bruised ... But.

But.

I'm dancing again! Humping the floor and grinding the wall!

Had two back-to-back classes with Hege; one of which was just me and her! New naughty choreography!

Rrrrrr ...

;)

Harvey Fierstein - 'I Am What I Am'

Album: Being Out Rocks

Was told tonight that I need someone, need a partner. Always. Must go through life with one.

He asked why I'm not in a relationship and didn't buy my standard line, "Because nobody wants me."

Am now at a loss.

Okay.

Fine.

This is my one-size-fits-all resumé. Am up to be headhunted.

=)

Frou Frou - 'Shh'

Album: Details

Happy One Week, Baby!

One week old, one week of subterfuge.



Unfortunately, you're the last piece of work I can get done this year. I need to save up for ... my dreams now.

Rufus Wainwright - 'Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk'

Album: Poses

She called me early this evening, "just wanted to check on how you're doing", and asked if I were free tonight.

"Did you want to come over?" I asked; she did. "Why didn't you call me yesterday? I was ... free yesterday."

"Why didn't you call me?" she asked in reply.

I have so much to tell her. Not tonight. Soon.

So please be kind if I'm a mess.

Elliot Smith - 'Miss Misery'

Album: Either/Or

I think I need her today, need to talk to her, to unload.

But I'm afraid to need people, afraid to tell them I need them.

I don't want her to turn me down when I ask her to come over tonight, so I didn't.

It's so crazy-stupid that I don't ask because I don't like being rejected, but the end result is the same: I get nothing.

Is it crazy-stupid to choose the softer route knowing the destination is the same?

Lilix - 'It's About Time'

Album: Falling Uphill

Tonight, I wonder if "it's over before it has begun" might actually be possible.

Can what has not happened not happen? Can you end something that has not started?



I don't think I'd ever want to find out.

Don't answer me.

James Kochalka - 'Honey I Sure Miss You' (Daniel Johnston cover)

Wil passed me a neatly folded sweatshirt before the movie began, "just in case you get cold later." He's such a sweetheart - glad he's a brother. (Tee hee!)

It reminded me about that first movie with Pumpkin.

Transformers was pretty fucking awesome. I was so tensed my back seized up a little. Could only clutch at Wil's (neatly folded) sweatshirt as nobody's hand was available. =(

Where's Pumpkin? I need to clutch at someone's hand and someone needs to shield my eyes.

=...(

My Chemical Romance - 'Teenagers'

Album: The Black Parade

It's late Sunday afternoon. My newest baby is nearly 72 hours old, and, officially, she has already beat Fern in subterfuge. (Fern lasted less than 24 hours.)

But I'm already getting over-antsy and wish I'd be found out soon. I should've been found out by now.

On the other hand, I'm a coward, I don't want the blow-out I know will follow; and I don't have any lies or excuses worked out, even now.

Am stuck between a rock and a bloody hard place, and I'd put myself there ...

=(

REM - 'Everybody Hurts'

Album: Automatic For The People

Maybe it's because I thought he not only looked boyish but also is boyish that when he asked me, "Did it hurt?", he just seemed so darn heartbreakingly sweet.

I told him 'not really' then mumbled something about it hurting more when you could actually see the needle puncturing your skin at high velocity than when you couldn't.

The truth was: It never did hurt as much as my heart when I thought what I thought.

Later, I would describe it to Affy and Germ as, "It doesn't hurt as much as a broken heart."

I guess nothing will.

Goldfrapp - 'Number 1'

Album: Supernature

I danced in the shower!

Nothing much, just a couple of body-isolation movements, really; moved without really thinking. I think I'm ready to dance again. So nice to dance with the shower running, joy joy joy to dance with water!

Tomorrow, the shit hits the fan.

And I was the one who'd flung it.

'Tis okay: I'm dancing again.

=)

Wilson Philips - 'Hold On'

Album: Wilson Philips

I know there is pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside

Someday somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you gonna let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

OMG. Nicole ... =|

Gah! Nicole!

He's still lip-synching and dancing with his boa in my head!

Wilson Philips - 'Hold On'

Album: Wilson Philips

First stop was Alecs'. After I left, he called to tell me I'd left my T.S. Eliot Collected Poems behind. =/ The last time around, I'd left a copy of Chaucer's Sexual Poetics at Stege. I always seem to be leaving good books behind ...

Then was off to Happy Endings: Asian Boys Vol. 3. It was a fan-fucking-tabulous play ... except after the interval, there are parts that seemed to be preaching to the choir, so to speak. Bought a copy of Peculiar Chris (my adolescent fairytale-bible) and had it autographed by the author. =)

Am still miffed that there are no fairytales for little gay girls to look forward to in Singapore. It doesn't matter whether you're gay or not, it's the little boys who get everything, it seems ...

=(

रवि राग्स खोते - 'Pretty Woman'

Album: कल हो ना हो OST

कौन है वो अनजानी
वो है कोई काली या कोई किरण
या है कोई कहानी
उससे जितना देखूं उतना सोचूँ
क्या उससे मैं कहे दूं

Rickie Lee Jones - 'Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying'

Album: Flying Cowboys

The aches never really went away; am bruised for good.

Since I don't want to ache, I've rerouted my mind a little. Seems to work: All thoughts are beginning to be directed to something more concrete, more now.

But I'll allow myself this little grouse: I miss being treated like a princess.

Oh where have those days gone?

=(

Amy Winehouse - 'You Know I'm No Good'

Album: Back To Black

Suddenly, earworm is gone, and air rushes in to fill the vacuum. The static of white noise.

It's always a little strange after you emerged from a deep sea dive. Need to get your land legs first.

Waking up has been disorienting.

Perhaps I'd overslept.

Dolores O'Riordan - 'Human Spirit'

Album: Are You Listening?

I've no story to tell.

=(

Tummy still queasy.

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

The chariots
They rise up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him

Gaah! Insidious, persistent earworm!

=/

Evanescence - 'Call Me When You're Sober'

Album: The Open Door

"That person you were talking about - is it Wil?"

Gaah. Wil - whatthefuck? - Wil?! No, it is not Wil!

This is why I don't like talking to people about my puzzles: they assume too fucking much; more to that, they follow their fucking train of assumptions to a possibly logical but completely incorrect end.

At that very moment, lacking a wall and the energy to move my body, I thought: I need a Harvey fucking Wallbanger.

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

One cherry from Jen, one from my Appletini, and the bartender gave me three more arranged on a lovely bed of Blue Curacao-ed crushed ice out of the blue.

I got sober before we got into the cab.

Head pounding now. Sober, but with no cognitive abilities.

Yet, it seems almost laughable now - never mind a Gordian one, what knot? I prolly tied that knot in my head and imagined it there. It was never there in the first place.

Head pounding.



What a fool am I ...

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

There's no one I can talk to, no one I can tell.

But it's just so incredibly stupid to expect someone to understand when I myself don't.

I want to close my eyes and sleep, I feel like killing myself.

I could scream.

But I won't.

Something's gotta give. Soon.

Kick! - 'Jane'

Happiness: Reese's Peanutbutter Cups.

Headache: flexibility and compromise - the same thing?

I know what I want, and can honestly say I've put in the effort (not to mention the legwork) - so why am I not closer to my Grail?

Am I not trying hard enough?

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

I went to the other side of the island today, and failed miserably thrice. Denied three times in my quest.

So, so, so tired.

I won't give up. (And I have Plans B and C.)

सोनू निगम - 'जब जब दिल मिले'

Album: सिलसिले OST

Today's horoscope (one of them, anyway) says:

Loving someone also means knowing when to let go. So part of you may want to keep the situation status quo, but deep down you know that's just not feasible or healthy for either of you in the long run.

That's just the saddest horoscope I've come across in a while.

What's wrong with maintaining status quo? =(

Roy Orbison & k.d. lang - 'Crying'

Album: Roy Orbison - King of Hearts

Right now, I'm terrified almost to the point of tears: what if I can't ever dance again?

=...(

Feels like someone shat all over my life and now it stinks. Nothing is going right, everything is wrong.

Am feeling so wretched I wish someone'd pick me up and hold me and tell me everything will be okay, everything will be okay, promise.

=(

Primitive Radio Gods - 'Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand'

Album: Rocket

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

Am not sure, but I think ... you've turned away and shut up tight.

You're right, of course - there are things about which you're never wrong.

You'd spoken; once, twice, so many times before. I'm the one who needs to learn to speak.

I'd thought that a picture bespeaks a thousand words and that action speaks louder; there are things about which I'm never right.



But I still can't keep from hoping ...