Thursday, October 30, 2008

Watching you sleep

... but it's Crash Day, and this Thursday child has far to traverse - in Dreaming.

Over and out.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here



Had a manic-depressive sorta day.

First thing in this morning, I found Christine, my favoritest lecturer, had done more than I expected her to when I sent her that tentative email yesterday: I found threads of emails she sent to various lecturers on my behalf. She seems genuinely excited and enthusiatic about my honors program - more so than me, I have to admit. But - it's infectious, so let's hope it stays that way with me.

Then I got depressed, and went to work on my sorely neglected database.

But Mephisto came in, was in a feisty mood, and chewed two heads off not long after stepping in. Me, it was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically. When his wrath isn't on me, I found it amusing - entertaining, even.

I must be ticklish around him today, 'cuz everything he said made me chortle. What's not to love?

Then I got depressed, again ...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

All righty.

Maybe it's time for that haircut ...

Frank Zappa - 'Watermelon in Easter Hay'

Album: Y Tu Mamá También OST



I find myself in the unusual and strange position of being depressed yet determined.

Not quite sure what to make of it ... Though, it comes, it prolly goes.

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER. Joe has just worked himself into an imaginary frenzy during the fade-out of his imaginary song. He begins to feel depressed now. He knows the end is near. He has realized at last that imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals exist only in the mind of the imaginer. And ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway?! Excuse me. Who gives a fuck anyway? So he goes back to his ugly little room and quietly dreams his last imaginary guitar solo.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

I sense I'm getting sucked into a vortex of anxiety - or, more probably, up my own ass from chasing my tail - and feeling stressed. I want to not get trapped in that anxiety, but I don't know how.

It's like you're about to step onto a bridge and just happened to look down ... and realized how deep and wide the chasm is, and how rickety the bridge is. If you want to make it across the bridge, you'll need courage: Focus on the other side while avoiding looking down - or you'll lose heart, balance, and focus, and fall.

All the way down ...

No safety net.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here



Yesterday, Maple told me I have "nice lines" - whatever that means - and that I should enter the competition. I'm still in two minds about this matter. I just don't have the time to come up with a choreo and practise it.

... But I would like to have the experience.

Maybe I should think about a public performance before I think about competitions.



Somehow I love this song. It makes me fucking depressed (though not more so than the other Pink Floyd tracks, especially those from the boss's favored The Final Cut) and Roger Waters is a poet. These lines are killer:

We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have you found
The same old fears
Wish you were here


In the office, I loop this song and 'Watermelon in Easter Hay' on my mp3 player daily.

Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'

Album: Who's Got Trouble



Mephisto must be getting to me.

Today, having trouble getting the brass monkey (after visualizing it, breaking it down, and asking Geri for advice), I was ready to give up.

But since I can be very stubborn when I want to, I decided to give it one solid last try before putting the trick aside for next week. As I positioned and prepped myself for the kick-up, my boss's oft-repeated (Jedi) belief appeared out of nowhere in my head.

So I didn't try. I inhaled, then kicked up and went perfectly into brass monkey with none of those unslightly adjustments and repositionings. PERFECTLY. I was amazed.

Indeed, "there's no try".

I have my boss (and Yoda) to thank for helping me nail the brass monkey.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

Am extremely tired, but felt better since Mephisto is back in the office; either that, or it's because I finally had my period (which started after he left for the day).

And he figured out how to get the two of us to lunch - today, he just told me, "Chicken rice ... 20 minutes."

20 minutes later, we were down in the foodcourt, with him ordering my meal, choosing the type of chicken (boiled, as opposed to roasted) to the kind of vegetables (leafy greens, as opposed to beansprouts).

Waiting to collect my food, somehow that scene in Secretary where Edward was dictating over the phone as to what Lee should have for dinner flashed in my head ...

NO.

Not what you're thinking.

At all.

=|

The Frames - Star Star (Pure Imagination Melody)

Album: Set List



Tonight, I had an especially clear realization of how spineless and weak-willed I am exactly. I mean, I've always known that for a fact, but tonight it'd hit me ... just so.

With people I like/love and respect and admire, I'm completely susceptible and don't stand a chance. Twisting my arm is like taking candy from a baby. I suspect it's because I don't want to disappoint them, and I want them to like me and not be upset.

This is so bad ...

=(

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

I dreamed last night I was driving. It was scary, because in my dream (as in real life), I didn't know how to drive. All I had was one foot on the accelerator, which I stepped on to go faster, and released to slow down.

It's not having a foot on the brake (not knowing where the brake is!) that was heart-stopping, because that meant I couldn't come to a complete stop; all I could do was steer in attempt to keep from crashing into something - and that too with my lousy spatial judgment.

There's something to be made of this dream ... I'll figure what it means exactly later. Too much in my head right now. Sigh.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Watching you sleep

Oh Goddess, just let me have my period for the month already! I'm way past insufferable now.

And I just bought me a kilo of cookies today! =/

(To be fair, Candy Empire's having a sale, so the 500g bags were going one-for-one at SGD 9.80 each.)

I think maybe I'll try to excuse myself to rush to NZIS to submit my application during lunch tomorrow; Mephisto'll be back in the office on Thursday.

I'm beginning to listen to his favorite music.

Watching you sleep

The lost of momentum is frustrating - one delay leads to another - and now I'm feeling apathetic, can't be arsed. There's a great sense of futility. I've even lost the desire to cut my hair (which is what I promised myself I'll do, either when I submit my visa application, or when I receive my visa). Now I can't care less, even though my hair is starting to get really unmanageable.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Krezip - 'That'll Be Me'

Album: Days Like This



Today, we tried the crane drop again, and was taught the brass monkey. I'm not getting either, but, with the brass monkey, I might get it faster than the former.

On the brighter side, it's nice to have challenges in pole again. Mephisto objects to the concept of "challenges" though, because, he said, if something is a challenge to you, then you're allowing for the possiblity of failure, and when you even entertain the thought of failing in that endeavor, you'd've failed. He might be right - I didn't get either trick in my first attempt - but I also think I didn't succeed because I was scared.

Received the registration form for the pole competition today. (Should I join?) Tonight, I started putting together my exotic choreo, which is interesting - it's like parsing a convoluted sentence, or fixing a jigsaw puzzle.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Watching you sleep

I'm sorry you woke up at the ungodly hour of 04:45 to listen to me rant about my day at work.

PMS-ing during the full-moon is doubly bad. Intellectually, I can see I'm somehow magnifying the tiniest, inconsequential things into overwrought operas of the Wagnerian kind; but emotionally, psychologically, I'm unable to control myself.

Even worse when my paperweight isn't around.

So I'm feeling hurt and disappointed and very, very guilt-ridden - among other things.

I wonder if it would've been better if I hadn't taken up this job in the first place ...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

After the lunch meeting with Jen, Mephisto commented, "She's short for her height!" She got the job, as I knew she would, and I'm pretty sure he likes her.

But, as we were having our expressos, he said, "... but the best would be that you forget your stupid plan to run off to New Zealand ..."

Which is bad.

But the bit that made me feel the worst was when I tried to ask him how he'd like the transition to be (whether he wanted a seamless one, or if he could live with a short gap without a PA), he told me, "I don't believe I care to discuss that."

Then he turned the stereo back on loud and changed the topic to the music blasting from his speakers.

=...(

The sound of you sleeping

(I don't know what I'm looking at!)

So tired.

I must have OCD - I feel really icky when the different parts of my life (which I obsessively keep separate) begins to touch one another ... and, worse, overlap.

I feel so, so icky. I don't like it.

=(

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

Spent the morning being pissed off at the incompetence of the university. Then, unable to focus on work (being tired and achey), I somehow hit upon the idea to look for the opening titles for old, old telly series I used to watch in the 90s.

... and wouldn't ya know it - Youtube's gotta whole bunch of 'em. Renegade? Highlander? Blossom? I lmao'd at Renegade's opening. (Did I really use to find all these long-haired guys - Lorenzo Lamas, Adrian Paul, Joey Lawrence - cute?)

And older ones: Petticoat Junction? Beverly Hillbillies?

Best nostalgic favorite finds? Fun House! Lady Lovely Locks!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Watching you sleep

How much longer is the bloody receipt gonna take to arrive? I think I've lost the momentum. Sigh ...

And work is so boring these days. I keep feeling like I'm anticipating a holiday - which sorta makes every day the eve of a holiday ... except it's not - and maybe that's keeping me more relaxed.

But Mephisto wants me to feel even more relaxed - albeit around him, with him. I guess he still hasn't figured out I'd screw up whether I'm highly strung or completely chilled out. Me, I figured I'd rather be on my toes.

The sound of you sleeping

Head is buzzing with music, moves, and choreos.

Why am I so tired?

There seems to be so much I'm looking forward to, I worry about disappointment.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

Yesterday, on my way home, there was a toddler fretting in the bus behind me. I turned around and we made eye contact, and, deciding to be nice, I smiled at her. Her eyes rounded; she fell silent.

I turned back. Soon, she started fretting again, and I could feel her little hands on my back and ponytail (the bus was that packed). I turned to look at her again and she looked at me. I widened my eyes, she followed suit; I grinned, she followed suit.

Since she calmed, I turned back. But then she started mewing again, struggling in her mother's arms, and now the child was trying to grab my hair, trying to get my attention.

Indian babies seem to love me for some reason ...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Melissa Ferrick - 'Drive'

Album: Freedom



Most ... interesting work day I ever had, all the doing of my (aptly named) Chihli Padi.

Wet spot, baby, gets wetter.

;)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Acute case of badtimingytis tonight: I'm extremely tired (it's always Crash Night after Hump Day), and the laptop almost BSoD'd on me (forcing a long, drawn-out shut-down), then I got stabbed by a really by tummy-ache (which I'd initially thought was gastritis) followed by a bad case of diarrhea.

The stomach problem the boss talked about (which eventually sent him home early) - it's not contagious, is it? And I've a dinner date in Little India tomorrow, too ...

Badtimingytis - sigh.

=(

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Robi Draco Rosa - 'Dancing In The Rain'



Yup, this is one song I'm currently addicted to, and our E2 choreo to it is absolutely gorgeous. (Hurrah for chair-work!)

The boss, today: "You know what?"

"What?"

The boss: "How come you don't invite me to lunch anymore?"

Hmm ... I was just thinking the same thing. But, lunch, you know, is such a pain in the ass when you just don't fucking know what to eat. Also: I never invited him; he invited himself.

Jen has a 50% chance of taking over my job.

... Perfect!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

Sigh ... Work, and the waiting game. Tomorrow, Wednesday, already.

The only thing I like about Wednesday - it being the hump day and all - is going to the studio for exotic class and pole prac.

Maybe one day I'll get to do aerial silks and aerial hoop - those look gorgeous.

Robi Draco Rosa - 'Dancing in the Rain'

Album: Mad Love



I absolutely adore this song; if only I could do it justice - but I'm just not that good dancer, I'm afraid.

All of a sudden, my appetite seems to have re-awaken with a vengeance ...

=(

Gotta focus on something other than food - like a choreo, maybe.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Robi Draco Rosa - 'Dancing in the Rain'

Album: Mad Love



Today's class: Ball (static) and a combination-spin - spiral into goddess. I managed both in the end, like, barely, and uglily.

But I nailed the combination of graceful climb into bat into bird-nest into hanging bow-and-arrow, ending with the jazz dismount (I did hit my head against the pole doing the dismount though).

Now I'm seriously thinking choreographies, 'cuz a bunch of us were sitting around with coffee, talking, and it seemed like everyone was quite keen to learn a choreo, so - hmm ...

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'

Album: Feeling Good - The Very Best of Nina Simone



Awesome. I had an awesome night. The Vagina Monologues wasn't perfect, but it was hysterically funny at bits, sobering at others, and I absolutely loved the experience (not to mention, hey, they distribute packets of panty-liners - not green tea-scented though - in the middle of the play!) - WATCH IT! (The cast is composed of mostly eye-candies, from pretty femme-y chicks to a cute androgynous-but-not-Shane-type.)

After that I had a great time at post-show drinkies with Jen, SY, and Kimmy and her boyfriend. The conversation was great even though Jen found out some things I never told her, and I discovered quite a bit about my pole-mates and also krav maga, which Kimmy's boyfriend was picking up.

All great.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

Learned a new word today, courtesy of my boss: Pavid. He'd insisted all Taurean women are pavid. Swear to god, this is a word I've never heard, seen, or read about in my entire life. Swear to god. This is why I was so attracted to my boss in the first place.

Told my parents over dinner what my boss'd told me about my job today; my mother kept sighing and telling me (in Mandarin), "Such a pity," and, "such a waste."

When I told them about what Gabriele'd said about how my boss felt about me, my dad chuckled, and my mother said (in Mandarin), "Some times it also depends on your 缘份 ..."

Don't know about that; I mostly only know about 有緣無份 ...

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The sound of you sleeping

I figure I work better with parameters; not extremely stringent ones - broad, vague ones. Without any parameter, I prolly wouldn't be able to come up with anything (most of the time).

It's like, I usually wouldn't be able to write anything if somebody were to say to me, "Write a short story" - not unless I already have some ideas hanging at the back of my mind already - or, my boss's "Pick a place [to eat]".

But sometimes it takes awhile before I recognize parameters; sometimes, I identify parameters, (resent them) and have to figure how to work around them or even to ignore and avoid them.

Still, either way, I need parameters to be able to start anything at all, I think.
When I stepped back into the office after grabbing some lunch/snacks from downstairs, J told me I'd just missed my boss's call and he'd asked that I call him back; so I did.

After he picked up and I announced who I am, I asked if he'd wanted something; he said, "No, I just want to tell you the plane landed safely; I'm back."

And he went on to say how he'd planned to drop by the office but fell asleep with that thought, that his mind had been a little addled by the dry air in Milan - all the while I replied with monosyllabic yes/no-type answers.

I really can't be the P.A. he wants - would like - me to be ...

=(