The Swell Season - 'Alone Apart'

Album: The Swell Season



Chiang Mai is quite lovely - cheap food and accommodations - and plenty of friendly dogs and cats around.

But I miss you so much, chickie. Every day, every night.

=(

Rach and I made it to Chiang Mai - we had to get another one-way ticket because of my screw up - and, last night, we went out walking to the night bazaar.

We'll be here 'til Friday. I swear, this place looks even better than the pictures. I could really just sit in the lobby the entire day and surf the net or read a book.

Not to mention, free 24-hour net access and free wifi in the rooms - unfortunately, my laptop can't detect any available wireless network. =(

The sound of you sleeping

The period just before I'm due to travel is always fraught with anxiety for me. Prolly because I'm a worrier, and highly strung.

Managed to screw up the itinerary and tickets royally. Tomorrow, Rach and I will have to chance it. I can never get anything right ...

Never mind The Prophet, give me The Profit.

Norma Waterson - 'Pleasure And Pain'

Album: The Very Best of World Divas



I had a thought about it. This frustration I've been trying not to let spiral out of control, I'd put down to PMS (it could still very well be - except it's been here for so long), but could be from the lack of dance classes. They're the blinkers to keep me from noticing that I am - and have been - slipping "between the gaps, the reassuring stepping-stones".

Will be flying SIN/BBK/CNX/BBK/SIN from Tues to Sun. Hopefully I'd pick up some peace over there.

Otherwise, I'm buying a copy of The Prophet and will try to give up acquisitions and possessions.

The sound of you sleeping

Friday, was introduced to a lady (friend of a friend of Jen's) and in the course of small talk, she told me, "You must be comfortable in your own skin" - which was in reference to my naked face.

I laughed, thinking it couldn't be farther from the truth.

Especially now. I'm not comfortable, period.

And, I hate packing for myself.

Yusef Lateef - 'The Plum Blossom'

Album: Eastern Sounds



Was googling the other day for a simple program (like MS Paint - not quite sure why it's not been installed in my office desktop) to draw something and found GIMP which I think is rather cool program - and user-friendly, too.

'Busy' surfing MeFi now that I'm bored of cataloging.

Busy, indeed.

Sigh

Stacie Orrico - 'I'm Not Missing You'

Album: Beautiful Awakening



I'm so completely free in the office that I'm completely tied up doing my personal shit.

Like, for instance, cataloging my collection of music.

So it's kinda tough for me to answer anyone who asks, "Busy much in the office?"

No ... and, yes.

The Frames - 'Where's My Mind' (Pixies cover)

The Frames live at the Hideout Block Party, 2007-09-08

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind
Where is my mind
Where is my mind

Denison Witmer - 'Northern Sky' (Nick Drake cover)

Album: Happy Birthday Denison



Today's word is malaise:

–noun

1. a condition of general bodily weakness or discomfort, often marking the onset of a disease.
   
2. a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort.

[Origin: 1768, from Fr. malaise, lit. "ill-ease," from mal "bad" + aise "ease".]

I wonder if I need to be slapped and kicked in the ass, or something. Violence as succor.

I, Handel, ask questions but can't answer them, I'm not a hero, only a chessboard knight hoping to be swifter than the game. While I kept my life to a series of clever moves, I felt well, almost happy, I left no time for reflection. I didn't want to see myself in the mirror. The tight chain of events began to separate, not physically, I was as busy as before, but emotionally, spiritually, I began to slip between the gaps, the reassuring stepping-stones were pushing farther and farther apart.



Winterson, Jeanette. Art & Lies: A Piece for Three Voices and a Bawd. Great Britain: Random House UK, 1994.

The sound of you sleeping

Something's ... off. Very off.

I feel off, and my life as well.

So insidious too, this ... off-ness.

And now I can't sleep.

Sigh.

The sound of you sleeping

I don't know what to do with myself.

Everything I do/learn, it seems I always do/learn the hard way, the long way, the tedious way. I wish I were a more intelligent being - something Mephisto thought he could mold me into, but might've since given up - and not so limited by ... I don't know; maybe I'd created those (illusions of?) limitations myself.

And maybe I should learn contentment, and stop wanting more.

But I know I'll never be contented with contentment.

Rearranged some of my stuff and cleaned some others. I'm outta space; I don't have space for my books and DVDs - especially books.

I should stop hoarding ...

'Tis time to let go.

The sound of you sleeping

I maded a pretty card for Jen's birthday! ^_^

Wonder what to do tomorrow now ... Sigh.

Maybe I will re-read some of my books or start on the ones I never got around to reading.

(What is it about having the abundance of something and not knowing what to do with it, when all those times you were in want of it you knew exactly what you'd do with it?)

Chris Pierce - 'All That Matters Is Now'

Album: Walking On The Earth



I have to start thinking of the world as full of possibilities, and that, whatever limitations and constrictions there are out there, the biggest one of all is really ... myself.

However, even as I consider the possibilities of living out of a suitcase for a couple of years and the possibilities there are out there, I've noticed myself turning down invitations.

Or maybe I'm just realigning some priorities. Maybe.

The sound of you sleeping

I only feel bad about not feeling bad enough to not want to keep you up ...

The sound of you sleeping

Went back to Art & Lies - again - today, and decided to (re)start from the beginning. It's all about loving something beautiful I don't understand.

With the way things are going for me now, I think it's time for a haircut.



(I feel unsettled when I don't hear from you for a long time. I think that was why I was so jumpy when I walked Doggie.)

Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová - 'If You Want Me'

Album: Once OST



I feel sort of sick and tired. Both literally and otherwise - but especially otherwise.

Also, am still reading Norwegian Wood and it's making me feel like I'm trapped in my isolation.

And lost.

The sound of you sleeping

Jaime's casual comment made me think; she said (to Sarah, referring to me), "She's always in her own world."

This was following my exchange with Sarah regarding her hair color. I'd remarked she'd dyed it, and she'd said, no, she was trying to grow out her dyed hair - and showed me the black roots. I told her - in surprise - that I'd never noticed that.

So Jaime's comment made me realize how self-absorbed I've been. I've always put it down to my lack of observation (when girl friends ask me to comment on their new haircuts or whatever) - but that's because I've no interest whatsoever.

Must learn to be more observant - of everything.

Mephisto was right ... again.

Been trying to encourage Jen to go out and socialize more; Aileen and I agreed Jen should date.

But - where to start? How to start? I've no idea how Jen could expand her social circles - maybe join a class or a club or something - still, easier said than done, I think.

Then there's I.

These days, I feel like being left alone.

Except when I get home - I wish it was home to you.

The sound of you sleeping

I try to say something, but all I get are the wrong words - the wrong words or the exact opposite words from what I mean. I try to correct myself, and that only makes it worse. I lose track of what I was trying to say to begin with. It's like I'm split in two and playing tag with myself. One half is chasing the other half around this big, fat post. The other me has the right words, but this me can't catch her ...



Murakami, Haruki (trans. by Jay Rubin). Norwegian Wood. Great Britain: Vintage, 2003.

Wilco - 'On And On And On'

Album: Sky Blue Sky



Caught La Patinoire today (realized I really miss watching NHL matches); dinner at Hooters, and a drink at Azzucar (Rach stepped on my second toe with her dance heel; hopefully it won't erupt into something more serious).

Felt completely out of it, partly because of my reluctance to speak (due to a sore throat), and partly because I was tired and uninterested in the conversation.

Or maybe because I unconsciously didn't want to be there ...

How is the sun more of a friend and companion than the moon, that nights always seem lonelier than days?

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat



Alice In Wonderland was actually quite a scary cartoon for me when I was a child - the same way Waking Life and Paprika are scary for me now. Something about dreams in which "nothing makes sense" and of which you can't seem to get out.

Sometimes life seems that way; sometimes being me seems that way.

Must learn to discern when things are about me, and when they're not, when they can't and shouldn't be, when they never were and never will be (everything is all about me to me right now).

Dismal pole practice today; skipped jazz. Currently entertaining the thought: "To hell with jazz class."

Sunny Levine - 'Love Rhino'

Album: Love Rhino



Quite enjoyed myself today when I followed my classmates to Union Square after our class - especially dancing with Fred, who is a strong lead and tried new fun moves with me. I wish I could dance better - hopefully that would come with practice and time.

I really don't look forward to going to work anymore, but all I ask for is just a couple of days to sleep in and bum around the house.

Voicemail from c--

Sources of frustration:

1. The bloody heat
   
2. And the bloody humidity
   
3. In bloody Singapore
   
4. And being disconnected from Google Talk
   
5. Because of inexplicable ebbing of signal strength on wireless connection.

>=\

The sound of you sleeping

I wonder if all that itchy eyes and sneezing in the office were psychosomatic; certainly my frustration isn't.

So many hours, nothing at all to do; and not daring to do the things I want to do.

I think I am quite unhappy ...

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried

The sound of you sleeping

I has vid of self on pole! Yay!

I can't stop watching the clip - gah, I have so much to work on. Basically everything I did in that clip had something off or something I can better.

Prolly should start recording myself doing my tricks if I went for pole prac.

Note to self: START STRETCHING.

Rufus Wainwright - 'Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk'

Album: Poses



Paradoxically, even as I think my stomach has shrank some, I've been eating more and more. (And getting fatter and fatter ...)

Anyways.

My mind's currently abuzz with pole (not to mention the sugar rush from the donut I just injested): The positions I'm eager to try out tomorrow, well as polishing up certain spins.

I want to go from the bat into a handstand then a split before dismounting. And that combination spin which I want to end with a backhook (or 'Goddess') instead of something like the 'Geisha'.

... Shit, I can't keep up with the names for every single spin/invert, especially if everybody calls them by different names. =|

Pizzicato Five - 'Baby Love Child'

Album: Made In USA



Managed a new invert today - what Linna called the 'Bat' - in addition to a new spin (a combination of the 'Maypole' and 'Merry-go-round').

I think that's why pole is addictive: Every time I achieved a new trick, I just want to do it again and again, because I am thrilled and pleased by it.

Same reason you're addictive: Every time I hear from you, I am thrilled and pleased.

Shivaree - 'I Will Go Quietly'

Album: Who's Got Trouble



Ran straight from salsa to pole prac.

Reminder to self: Do not attend Wednesday's pole prac - when it ends at 22:15, will have to wait forever to squeeze into an already-overcrowded bus (the second one, since the one that came 30 minutes prior didn't even bother stopping, being crammed to the brim) to get home because the too-long cab queue doesn't move.

Especially torturous with bummed knee from having fallen hard on it during pole prac. And low blood sugar from having missed dinner.

Things get any lower, hell'd've found new depths.