Friday, August 31, 2007

Nirvana - 'About A Girl'

Album: Bleach

After listening to my "... but when it hurts, it really hurts ...", Rachael had remarked, "It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship - emotionally-abusive relationship."

I'm not; I'm just ... tender, I guess. And, in a way, I revel in the pain like a pig in its own muck. Either pain is a comfort zone, or I'm a masochist in my own way, I guess.

What a strange evening this has been: Zenzi, Wil, Rachael, Roger, Taufik. Postponements and cancellations upon chance meetings and spontaneous invitations.

And I realized I no longer like being touched by a male, friend or no, unless I know he's gay. This is, frankly, truly disturbing.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Foo Fighters - 'Next Year'

Album: There Is Nothing Left To Lose

Just so happened that my mp3 player kept playing 'Next Year' this morning; reminded me of the times in Welly I played it, especially in 2004: Every time I heard this track, it depressed me.

But this morning, listening to this song after a hiatus of two years, it gave me hope. Hope.

It's all in the perspective.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Belle & Sebastian - 'You Made Me Forget My Dreams'

Album: Lazy Line Painter Jane

Don't remember having another bizarre dream last night, but I suppose I didn't have enough time to dream, what with two texts from Jit at 1 AM and one from Geeta at 6 AM keeping me awake and waking me up.

Boy am I tired ...

Belle & Sebastian - 'A Century Of Fakers'

Album: 3 - 6 - 9 Seconds of Light

This August month seems to be passing so quickly.

Geeta's back from Myammar and texted me. Has she only been away for a couple of months? So much seems to have happened since she left.

Relativity?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Van Morrison - 'Brown Eyed Girl'

Album: Blowin' Your Mind!

This day ... Sigh.

So hard to find my way / Now that I'm all on my own ...



(Very danceable, this song.)

Monday, August 27, 2007

Fisher - 'Any Way'

Album: One

It occurred to me, this evening as I was going up on an escalator, that I fucking love going up on an escalator, and I felt like I could do that forever - on an escalator forever ascending.

But then I thought about how all things that go up must come back down, so I didn't want to be going up for too long, because my problem'd never been going up; no, it'd always been coming down. I think, when I was young, I'd climb so high up (slide? ladder? tree? hill?) I was stuck, because I was too scared to climb down.

So what I finally concluded was, I'd like to be going up and down continually on escalators.

It just seemed so ... wow.

You know?

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Anoushka Shankar & Sting - 'The Book of My Life'

Album: Sacred Love

Terrifying thought: I haven't read a book in, maybe, months.

No wonder I'm getting (more) stupid. I can barely string together three words to form a coherent sentence now ... Ack.



And I'm a terrible dancer.

=(

Muse - 'Feeling Good' (Nina Simone cover)

Album: Queer As Folk Season 3

Pole. Kanya. Bought a bag from Topman (I don't like it when the boys get nicer accessories than the girls). Average dinner served with great conversation.

This day hasn't been half bad, lah.

=)

(Muse does lovely covers, hot damn!)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Christina Aguilera - 'Nasty Naughty Boy'

Album: Back To Basics

Be seein' you in 11 hours, big boy - can't wait till I get my hands and legs around you and practise my moves.

Ack! I find myself reaching for every single freakin' pole and railing in sight, reaching to grasp them to assess their thickness (and, therefore, suitability). =/

You know ... If I removed my queen-sized bed and installed my own pole right in the middle of my bedroom and put up full-length mirrors on both walls, I'd have my own studio (albeit a rather small one)!

I think it's doable! I can sleep in the balcony or the piano room!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

K's Choice - '20,000 Seconds'

Album: Cocoon Crash

And so the real waiting ... begins.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Ornob - 'Shey Je Boshe Ache'

Just gotta remember: I can and will do this, get through this.

Determination.



... Or stubbornness?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tanya Chua - 'It's Your Chance'

Album: Chicken Rice War OST

Took stock of stuff today: I've been slacking for too long.

It's time I quit complaining about not having enough time. As Wil'd suggested: "... time cannot be made [...] time can however be stretched, molded, twisted, and compressed."

And, most importantly, time is relative.

I'm (re)directing my focus now on two things - studies, and dance. Everything else will have to be secondary, or even tertiary.

Now it's your chance to do what you wanna do
There's no time to waste
The day is still young, the world waits for no one
What are you waiting for?


What, indeed.

Aqualung - 'Brighter Than Sunshine'

Album: Still Life

It's been a long day.

So glad my after-hours are so much nicer than my office ones ... even if they were so much fewer.

=)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Hooverphonic - 'Mad About You'

Album: A Lot Like Love OST

My first pole dancing class overshadowed the fact that we've graduated from three modules of exotic dance yesterday! That's about five choreographies (two chair-work, one lap dance, and one floor-work).

If I didn't so suck at dancing (and am prettier/have a better figure yadda yadda yadda), I'd like to do that as a part time job or something.

Guess I best focus on pole dancing now.

Would be nice to live in a studio apartment that's also a dance studio: French windows. Mirrors. Barre.

Pole.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Nine Inch Nails - 'Closer'

Album: The Downward Spiral

So ...

I finally succumbed to peer pressure this evening, promised Hege, Jit, and Rachel I'd go register at Facebook. =| Can't believe I'd still be under peer pressure at my age, but go figure.

Pole dancing is Fucking. Awesome. I've got bruises on my legs like I were in an abusive relationship.

... Well, even if I were, I Fucking. Love. It. (I'm a masochist that way.) I love the pole - prolly the only phallic object I'd love from now on.

Can't wait for next Saturday.



(I want to dance to 'Closer' right now!)

चित्र ft. उस्ताद सुलतान अली खान - 'पिया बसंती रे'

Album: पिया बसंती

Was talking to Saket earlier this evening; a strange conversational topic (for me), I'd think - marriage and family.

His is an arranged one, and he talked about learning to accept the marriage, his wife, and the one-eighty change to his lifestyle after marriage.

He told me something to the effect of: "If you are willing to accept someone, to stay with someone, nobody can stop the both of you."



I think this is something worth thinking about.

Friday, August 17, 2007

eels - 'Love of the Loveless'

Album: Queer as Folk: The Fourth Season OST

All around you people walking
Empty hearts and voices talking
Looking for and finding
Nothing



I think I might be turning nocturnal ...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Frou Frou - 'It's Good To Be In Love'

Album: Details

This morning, again, I heard Of Montreal's "... it's such a burden to carry round / the vestiges of dead dreams ..." before I even turned on my mp3 player.

Then, in middle of the afternoon, in buried under a pile of printouts, receipts, invoices, and spreadsheets, I heard the first eight beats of this song even though no music is allowed in the office.

And after I knocked off, I couldn't stop listening to this song.

If you googled for the lyrics, you'll find that, contrary to what the track title might suggest, it's really a sad, sad song.

Maybe I should stop analyzing my state of mind by the songs that pop into my head - seemingly at random.



But they don't seem random mostly - if at all.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

30 Seconds To Mars - 'Attack'

Album: A Beautiful Lie

Still waiting to be retrenched.

No matter how much I complain about my job, I still need it. At least till the end of this year. I need the money, unfortunately.

I wish something nice would happen to me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

R.E.M. - 'At My Most Beautiful'

Album: Up

I saw you today; you made my heart jump.

That means it still works, and I'm still alive.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Coheed & Cambria - 'An End To A Beginning'

In the bus this morning, I thought my wrists look much smaller than I remembered, but when I grasped one with my hand, it felt exactly as it always had.

In the bus this evening, I thought how much I'd like to have someone who'd always be on my side, when I've been hurt, and stand up for me. Then I realized nobody's ever deliberately hurt me; if I hurt, it's all in my mind, all my doing. Always has been.

But to be able to feel pain is to be alive, right?

Sunday, August 12, 2007

X Japan - 'Endless Rain'

Album: Ballad Collection

In my comfort zone in this thunderstormy night.

I'm home, but scared.

K's Choice - 'Not An Addict'

Album: Paradise in Me

Downtime.

Tonight's a very bad night, this dark moon night.

Milk offering tomorrow.



शक्ति

Tosca Tango Orchestra - 'Ballade 4, Part 1'

Album: Waking Life OST

I think ...

I feel like this piece of music at the moment.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Blog 27 - 'I Still Don't Know Ya'

Album: LOL

There are so many times I wish I could shed my body, because it doesn't feel like mine, because it traps me and weighs me down.

Without it, I feel I can run forever and never be out of breath, dance away into infinity ...

Sometimes, I wish I could dance and dance and dance ... until I break this clay vessel that imprisons me and slip away; free, at last.

Big Mountain - 'Baby I Love Your Way'

Album: Reality Bites OST

Watched Reality Bites (after Pyaar Ke Side Effects) today. It's still relevant, still makes sense today; in fact, it makes more sense to me now than when I first watched it (in my early teens).

Never really thought about who I am, what my identity is. I'm just ... me, I guess ... you know? And whoever that is - I don't know.



Need a long cuddle; need a good friend ...

=(

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

X Japan - 'Say Anything'

Album: Ballad Collection

You will be very vulnerable emotionally, therefore stay away from situation where you are likely to get hurt.

This is part of one of the horoscopes I read this morning, and I wondered if living means staying put and getting hurt, not running away anymore.

But running away had always hurt as well ...

Maybe a broken heart's like a slipped disc: It'll recur (maybe more and more frequently so), and even the slightest exertion would cause pain.

Or perhaps it's possible to be trapped beneath the dusty debris of a heart broken in another life.

And if you couldn't free yourself in time, and weren't found and rescued before the fresh air runs out, then, I guess, you will only die.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

INXS ft. Sona - 'Afterglow' (Fusion)

Album: V Channel Blast 2007

Another long day.

Good news: Christine, Geoff, and Peter approved (unofficially). Bad news: Midway through the morning, I seemed to have tripped and entangled myself in knots - and this is just the beginning.

Kai later reiterated what the numerologist kinda said: You created the knots in your mind ... Yourself.

Didn't make it to Beavers for pole dancing ... =(



Not quite sure why - nor understand how - I can't be in a good mood if you aren't.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Notorious MSG - 'Dim Sum Girl'

Album: Die Hungry

How can they expect me to focus, at work, when I'm not allowed to have any distractions? Them crazy corporate types ...

=/

Today's been ... some day.

Glad I decided to live.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Arianne - 'Komm, Susser Tod'

Album: 新世紀エヴァンゲリオン劇場版: The End of Evangelion OST

I decided today that I don't want to live vicariously anymore.

I want to live.

Seether ft. Amy Lee - 'Broken'

Album: Disclaimer

Feels like a long day - for one that only actually began around 12 noon.

Have to think about other things tonight; now.

Hege sounded so, so, so terribly sad when she said, "When people hear you're a dancer, they just think you're a prostitute. People think I'm a Russian hooker."

Me and sadness ...

But she has fight. Which is a good thing. I think I've been trying to cultivate that.

Hege's got a new haircut. I feel like taking that as a sign that I should get mine too.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

The Killers - 'Read My Mind'

Album: Sam's Town

Come Monday, I will print out the application form and work on it.

Yes, I will.

And I will be patient.

रूप कुमार राठोड़ - 'खामोश रात'

Album: थक्षक OST

Am getting quite worried about all the uptime I'm having; I worry about all the downtime I'd have to pay back for it.

Yet, every time I feel myself falling, I pull myself back up; disallow myself to fall further.

Joyce was right: Wretched misery and desperate depression are my comfort zone. It feels weird not to be there.

But I guess it feels pretty good, too.



लेकिन ... यह सच है या सपना?

Friday, August 03, 2007

Ani DiFranco - 'In or Out'

Album: Being Out Rocks

Oh no!

Aileen's four-day transit in Singapore will clash with Indignation 2007.

Am torn between her and attending the events that I am itching to ...

Sadness.

Bad-timingytis strikes me again.

=(

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Stentorian - 'Fancy Girl'

Album: Stentorian (EP) [MySpace]

Had an unpleasant realization just now. I'll save it till Monday - when it'd prolly be confirmed.

Still no news from Christine or Geoff. The Ganesha I'd set atop my monitor doesn't seem to be helping ... =(

(Be. Patient.)

Maybe a new quest? For the two books I'd lusted after since 2004: Klaeber's 1950 edition of Beowulf and the Fight at Finnsburg and Brodeur's The Art of Beowulf.

They're just two of the long list of reasons I gotta get back to Welly ...

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Pulp - 'Like A Friend'

Album: Great Expectations OST

You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end ...


Funny how that comes after the thesis of the song:

I've done this before
And I will do it again
Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend
Oh and I'll come running
Just to do it again


Am addicted ...

All over again. =)

Pulp - 'Like A Friend'

Album: Great Expectations OST

(Be. Patient.)

No emails today from Christine or Geoff. Am finding it terribly hard to wait idly. Thought about making another process list, this time with dates and deadlines, working backwards.

Text from Hege today, prolly the brightest bit of my day:
hi babes, on tuesdays and thursdays 2.30-3.30 pm we can practice pole dancing at beavers at [...]


Joy! Pole dancing!