Mountain Goats - 'Love Love Love'

Album: The Sunset Tree

How come it has never occurred to me I could be doing things I love and still be sad?

Because I could.

I am.

Hajime Chitose - 'Rin To Suru' (Strings version)

Album: Hainumikaze

Since Monday, I could feel a vague sense of finality hanging in the air, the gossamer curtain of a dragonfly's wings. I go to work every day with a Friday-feeling.

Something must be coming to a close in my life.

I only wish I knew what it is.

Guthur - 'I Was Afraid'

Album: Sundet

I scribbled something again yesterday that weirded me out.

It seems like the scribbles that make me feel that way are usually ones that come unbidden - from unexpected bouts of mental diarrhea, I suppose. These scribbles always make no sense; and, reading back upon completion, they contain assonances and rhymes you were never conscious of when scribbling.

Also, in my case, I think, they always have cannibalistic imageries and allusions.

Maybe that's what's making me feel so weird.

But I've decided I like it all - and I want to be crazy, for now ... Because my sanity is driving me insane.

Third Eye Foundation - 'Stone Cold Say So'

Album: Little Lost Soul

I felt a sudden sharp sting in my left eye that hurt something fierce in the shower just now. It soon went away, the pain, then the redness of the white.

I hope it wasn't a splinter from the Snow Queen's mirror that just fell into my eye - I don't have someone who'd do anything and everything to break the spell for me, such as shedding hot tears to melt my frozen heart.

Certified Bananas - 'Kiss The Girl' (Baltimore Remix)

Album: Sprang

She came over to walk Doggie with me tonight.

At the junction of Lorong H, we stopped because Doggie stopped, and talked over whether or not we should walk to Lorong G where there was an unleashed dog I'd been afraid of.

She questioned, "I thought you wanted to walk to Lorong G?"

"Are you going to chase the dog away for me?"

"No," said she, "I'll run away with you!"

Jamie Lidell ft. Jose Gonzales - 'Multiply (In A Minor Key)'

Album: Multiply Additions

Last week's been a trying one, ever since I started reading Stephen Ratcliffe's Listening to Reading, which led to my recalling a certain bit in The Liar.

Consequently, one of the things I love and depend on most began to seem more and more like a stranger to me.

Language.

I'd been a linguistics major, but at this very moment, I don't know what language is anymore - or why everybody is using it to communicate. It's so inefficient, and nearly everything we say is a lie.

Language is a colossal lie.

Espers - 'Children of Stone'

Album: Espers II

I've always had this image of the person I want to be: unbound long hair, long cotton skirt, dancing with bare feet under a sunny blue sky with the breeze in a green meadow, laughing. I'll be a bard or an artist or both; but I'll definitely be happy.

(Tacky? Unimaginative? I know.)

I think the person inside of me can be all that, sometimes is like that; only the person on the outside doesn't - can't - allow that.

Sometimes, I despair: I really don't know what to do with myself.

k.d. lang - 'Just Keep Me Moving'

Album: Even Cowgirls Get The Blues OST

I'm proud of myself today.

Sajitha called and offered me a (paid voluntary) stint to teach underprivileged kids to read (twice weekly, one to two hours per session), subjected to a meeting with her boss and my commitment to this October.

My contract with wM will end this March, and I still don't know where's and what's next for me. I'd been thinking of taking up Mr. N.'s offer to try out teaching in the Vietnamese boondocks.

The things in my life seem topsy-turvy at the moment: where I crave (semi-)permanence, I get transience, and vice versa.

Shivaree - 'Good Night Moon'

Album: I Oughtta Give You a Shot in the Head for Making Me Live in This Dump


What I just realized: it's funny how my crushes last so much longer than any of my relationships.

De facto evidence that I'll never want what I can have?

Sparklehorse - 'Getting It Wrong'

Album: Dreamt For Light Years In The Belly Of A Mountain

I feel like people are talking at me when they talk to me. They are all ensconced in their individual glass bubble-universe. I'm outside, looking in; into their lives.

When I talk back to them, only a few words and sentences are permitted into the glass bubble.

The things I want to tell them about me aren't.

And I want to talk to someone, not at them.

Wir Sind Helden - 'Nur Ein Wort'

Album: Von hier an blind

I feel like Richard Madoc after he's been punished by Dream for abducting Calliope - except, maybe in my case, it's not a punishment, I don't think.

I feel my scribbles are terrible. Just terrible. Shallow. Quantity with absolutely no quality.

But I don't even dare to wish for it to stop.

Is it better to scribble terribly than to not scribble at all?

k.d. lang - 'Hallelujah' (Leonard Cohen cover)

Album: Hymns Of The 49^th Parallel

My eyes suddenly feel wet.

I can't remember the last time a song, a voice, had made me feel this way.

Muzykoterapia - 'Bańki'

Album: Muzykoterapia

I want to celebrate something. Even though I'm not in the mood.

(I'll watch myself: I mustn't go lower than last year's depth.)

Zazie ft. Axel Bauer - 'A Ma Place'

Album: Ze Live!!

I feel so sluggish and restless; bored but idealess as to how to pass time - after I'd finished with Alma Mater. A book that seems (if I may say so) to have been badly written by an average writer. (Whatever happened to the writer who'd written Rubyfruit Jungle?)

Makes me think I should write a book, pardon my arrogance.

Sugarbomb - 'Hello'

Album: Bully

Being with Chris makes me feel girly ... and garang.

It's indescribably great combination.

Fuck, I really love how she swears and cusses.

Nobody and The Mystic Chords of Memory - 'Decisions, Decisions'

Album: Tree Colored See

I ran off at 13:00 today, because I didn't want to do overtime for (yet) another day, and also because I was feeling indescribably bored and restless (an extremely testing pairing).

But, sitting in the bus on the way home around 15:30 after an aimless wander around Parkway Parade, I realized I didn't know what I could and want to do with all the free time I had.

Hugo & Austine - 'Fouille-toi'

Album: La Nuit des Balançoires

Bought my third ring in three days today - couldn't resist it. Stainless steel, like the others.

So I finally got the rings I'd so craved since I developed a crush on Anna (the first).

And I'll keep buying rings until I have one for every finger, because whenever I look at my hands now, I think of Anna (the second), and how my fingers seem so naked compared to her adorned ten.

Melissa Ferrick - 'Drive'

Album: Freedom

I want to connect. But I feel like I've been dialing to a random pay-phone somewhere.

Maybe somewhere deserted.

Maybe to a disused phone-booth.

Maybe to a long disconnected line. Maybe that's why nobody's picked up my call in ten years.

I'm so angry and frustrated and depressed.

(I hope it's just PMS.)

Alan Parsons Project - 'Don't Answer Me'

I love bubbles – seeing and blowing them. When I was younger, I believed each bubble was a wish, so I should and would never pop any.

Is it ironic that I realized, today, I now seek willfully to pop every bubble that forms from my reservoir of hope?

Air - 'Le Soleil est Pres de Moi'

I scribbled something today that made me feel ... I don't know ... strange.

The idea came to me as I was sitting in the bus.

I wonder if that is reflective of my insides right now ...

I do feel different - is this from watching more than two episodes of The L Word a day for these past three days?

Junior Boys - 'First Time'

Album: So This Is Goodbye

I've been feeling (almost) constantly hungry these days - because I seemed to be off food for the moment.

But my mind is full. Full of ideas and words and scribbles.

And - I think - my heart, too.

Some emotions I want to indulge in; some I pretend aren't there at all.

Guthur - 'Still in This Town'

Album: Sundet

It's nearly eight months to date, and - thank Goddess - there have been changes. (I'm still, however, in this town.)

Although this blog will be exactly the same as the old one, it will be different - or, at least, I wish and want and will it to be different - that's why I didn't choose to continue the old one where I'd left off.



And what will this say of my way of thinking and personality, I wonder ...