How I dread going home on New Year's day with a broken heart.

The Frames - 'Star Star (Pure Imagination)'

Album: Set List (Live)



Sometimes, I get so scared so suddenly. A shot of insecurity out of the blue. And all I'd want to do is to curl into a ball and play music that reassures me and stay in forever.

I wonder why.

Falling down into situations
Bringing out the best in you
You're flat on your back again
And star you're every word I'm heeding
Can you help me to see
I'm lost in the marsh

Close your eyes
Count to three
Make a wish

Come with me
And we'll be
In a world of your imagination

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind ...

Scarlet - 'Independent Love Song'

Album: Independent Love Song (single)



Explaining how dirty dancing with a girl could cause my baby to hurt to Desmond was hilarious.

His theory was there should've been a hollow point between the two sets of breasts, which would allow my baby to remain relatively untouched. Sanice and I just looked at each other.

Also: Got my microdermal today!

(... And serious bruising.)

Belly - 'Full Moon, Empty Heart'

Album: Star



So beautiful out tonight: The moon was far away, but still bright and full; the sky was clear and scattered with stars.

Have to make sure I'm extremely exhausted before I fall into bed; have to re-learn to fall asleep without you.

Space - 'Female of the Species'

Album: Spiders

Outta the blue, the mother popped into my room and said, "Nobody asked you out tonight? Christmas Eve? No boyfriend asked you out?"

And I was like ... WTF?

Boyfriend? I mean, since when did she care whether or not I was seeing someone?

Boyfriend?!

No, seriously: What. The. Fuck.

Maren Ord - 'Waiting'

Album: Waiting

Grr. Stupid Sex Fiend called and made me miss your call the first time.

Maren Ord - 'Waiting'

Album: Waiting

Chris called out of the blue, just before I left to meet Rach.

Tonight: dinner (Basil Alcove), dessert (Ricciotti), first drinks (Crazy Elephant), and finally second drinks and dance (The Pump Room).

It's been a lovely day and I'm high, but I still miss you.

However, I got my tickets today, and I'm going to see you soon.

Elliott Smith - 'Say Yes'

Album: Either/Or

I miss you.

You left without a kiss.

How am I going to sleep tonight?

Maggie Gyllenhaal - 'Just The Way You Are' (Billy Joel cover)

Album: Happy Endings OST

=(

Maggie Gyllenhaal - 'Just The Way You Are' (Billy Joel cover)

Album: Happy Endings OST

Don't know; was thinking about how to handle it, then about how I didn't want to - or couldn't - but finally realized that I was already thinking about how, so didn't want to, couldn't, doesn't even come into play.

If x is a given, then y and z don't exist.

(Some Irish Tune On A CD She Burned)

Last session of pole practice for the year.

ARRRGGGH!

=(

Abra Moore - 'Taking Chances'

Album: No Fear

Hello, you.

Nellie McKay - 'A Christmas Dirge'

Bye, little baby.

Death Cab For Cutie - 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark'

Album: Plans

Feel so unsettled - and the feeling's quite out of the blue - wonder what sort of solace I can find tonight.

Perhaps Eliot (again) ...

Elliott Smith - 'Say Yes'

Album: Either/Or

A happy day and then you pay ...

After his call at 17:18:33 ("... Reily is dying ...") and his forwarded text at 17:25:04 ("No options left, severe bleeding in both sides of brain and lungs, blood pressure dropping, ventricles in head sverely [sic] enlarged ..."), I saw a rainbow.

I love rainbows, am always happy to see one. But not today.

At this point, I don't know what it means to be wishing and hoping for the best anymore.

What's the best that could happen - and should?

Ephemera - 'Last Thing'

Album: Last Thing [EP]

Nailed a new position today - go, me!



And: Singapore is freaking small!

Stars - 'Tonight'

Album: Nightsongs

After a lovely lunch break, I got a call that stunned me for a moment - my favorite girl had an emergency caesarean last night. Little Reily is a six-month premie.

All the energy I have goes into hoping - hoping everything turns out well.

I think it would be a busy period from tomorrow to next Friday.

Can't wait, really.

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here

Still so tired; fatigued.

Maybe from the babysitting at work, maybe from trying to coordinate a number of events - I don't know - but whatever it is, I'm eating non-stop again.

Had the most ... WTF-was-that dream last night. Seriously. Totally. Haven't the slightest clue how or where or when it germinated ...

Elliott Smith - 'Say Yes'

Album: Either/Or

Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after

Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says it 'til it shows
See how it is, they want you or they don't
Say yes

I'm so tired tonight.

Just so tired.

Johnny Logan - 'Hold Me Now'

Album: Kuschelrock

I thought about it this evening: On the surface, what I have now seems a lot; but, upon deeper examination, what I have is really ... nothing.



Except for Rach's wings which she'd given to me last night.



'Tis a bad dark moon night.

Kate Rusby - 'Underneath The Stars'

Album: Underneath The Stars

As always, it's beyond wonderful to hang out with Rach - dinner (Riverside Tandoor), coffee (Ricciotti), and drinks (Marrakesh).

Over dinner and coffee, we talked about everything and nothing in particular; and she warned me about Mephisto.

Over drinks, we read Neruda's 'Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche' aloud.

If only time could slow down even if a little ...

But everybody leaves, sooner or later.

Neil Finn - 'She Will Have Her Way'

Album: Try Whistling This

Until last night this morning, I'd yet to be defeated by my dinner-and-drinks nights.

But - and happily so - a combination of factors (being kept up till 01:26 the previous night, and two kick-ass potent cocktails at the Chihuly Lounge) had me stumbling home and dropping dead on to my bed.

And, yes, my non-Singaporean friends, this local girl has finally tried the Singapore Sling!

Can't wait to see Rach tonight!

Wir sind Helden - 'Denkmal'

Album: Die Reklamation

Strange that right after my dinner, I thought how I'd very much like something chocolate-y for dessert - like a slice of decadent chocolate cake ... And not an hour later, he brought me a slice of chocolate fudge cake, right up to my doorstep.

Huh. What a coincidence.

Thank Goddess for the cake!

(But ... he does remember we're just friends, right?)

Amy Jo Johnson - 'Puddle of Grace'

Album: Felicity OST

Most people, Ed postulated over coffee, do not know what they want (in life); therefore they do not enjoy what they do (for a living). Ed himself enjoys what he does for a living because he knows what he enjoys doing.

CC, on the other hand, who thought he was one of those who didn't know what they enjoyed doing, said, since he's not doing what he enjoys, he's decided to enjoy what he's doing.

Among other things, this has been an illuminating day.

eels - 'Love of the Loveless'

Album: Queer as Folk: The Fourth Season OST

Yesh ... I prolly am getting too manja.

But then nobody seems to mind all the hugs I ask for. (Goddess knows, mine's likely to be the easiest request they had all day.)

Jit got it right: Hugs are drugs.

And I want need a hugger 24/7.

Especially with my blood pressure sky-rocketing at work all the time ...

Wir sind Helden - 'Die Nacht'

Album: Die Reklamation

We've got good news this morning!

Relatively good news. Cautious good news.

That's good enough for me.

Thank Goddess.

Wir sind Helden - 'Außer dir'

Album: Die Reklamation

Good news tomorrow. I want good news tomorrow.

About the little Rowan/Reily.

Please.

Not for me - she deserves this much, at least.

eels - 'Somebody Loves You'

Album: Shootenanny

Please, please, please let the little one be okay, Goddess.

I'll do anything - anything at all - for everything to turn out all right.

I so wish I could be there to take care of my favorite girl now ...

=...(

Wir sind Helden - 'Du Erkennst Mich Nicht Wieder'

Album: Die Reklamation

At the traffic lights, Rach asked, "Is that Hege?"

It was!

Big hugs in the middle of the pedestrian crossing, then, with the green man blinking, we hurried back to the pavement.

Small talk, catch-ups, a flight out later at 11 PM, and the promise she'll be back on 6^th January ("See you next month - don't say 'next year'; 'next month' sounds sooner ...").

Then, blowing us a kiss, she blew, like a whirlwind, out of our lives again. So glad we caught her, if only for five minutes.

Today's been some day ...

Maren Ord - 'Waiting'

Album: Waiting

I'm sitting here in silence
I'm waiting here patiently
And I'm wondering
If you're waiting too
I'm sitting here alone now
And I'm waiting here on my own
I'm wondering
If you're waiting for me too

Miscommunication.

Murphy's Law.

Now what do I do? Wait it out?

How long can I afford to wait?

Why do things always go wrong when they seem to be going so right?

I've jinxed it, haven't I?

=...(

Wir Sind Helden - 'Nur Ein Wort'

Album: Von hier an blind

Everybody's been asking about my decision, and I now realize I've been speaking about it to too many people.

On one hand, I do want (and value) my friends' opinions; on the other, I don't want any questions or inquisitions (which I get on an almost-daily basis now).

A lot of things are up in the air, and I don't want to jinx anything by speaking too soon (and I've seen that happen just too many times). I've made my bed; now all that's left to see if I could stand lying on it.



Played truant again today.

Mama Cass Elliot - 'Dream A Little Dream'

Album: The Best of the Mamas and the Papas

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me ...

Mary Ann Redmond - 'Alone But Not Lonely'

Album: Songbirds Vol. 2

I'm feeling inordinately depressed - I hope the root of it will prove to be fatigue ... and not the decision I gave Mephisto.

Julie Delphy - 'Je T'Aime Tant'

Album: Before Sunset & Before Sunrise OST

Must make my decision this week.

I really hope my boss wouldn't irritate me this week ...

The Cure - 'Lullaby'

Album: Disintegration

I think it's the moon - I feel so unsettled tonight; now.

Dinner (at Hooters) was nice, then a long-ish walk to Oohtique and back to Clarke Quay to take a cab home. Since we were at Clarke Quay, I brought Jit to Alecs' studio. Strangely enough, he could still remember me (even though it's more than five months since he inked me) and asked how I was healing.

If I'm in Singapore for my birthday next year, I told him, I'll be back to see him for another ink.

If I stayed in Singapore, I'd be getting a lot more piercings and ink, I think ...

Better that I leave?

Tito & Las Tarantulas - 'After Dark'

Album: From Dusk Til Dawn OST

Another wretchedly frustrating day in the office, trying to keep from snapping at the boss - which resulted in another poor attempt - so thank Goddess for after hours.

Dinner with Rach, then exotic rehearsal (learned new combination of moves - yay!), then supper with Andrea.

My right arm is getting progressively worse - I had trouble lifting even my mug of tea this morning: Worrisome.

Still haven't bought the pillows and linens, but don't worry, will make sure I have 'em by the time you get here.

I wish you could be here with me now ...

TraLaLa - 'All Fired Up'

Album: The L Word: The Third Season OST

• KL told me today that Mephisto had said Jaime was afraid of him. An impossibility! I'd pegged Jaime for the type who won't take no shit from nobody.
  
  
• The archipelago of bruises on my right arm had somehow merged into what Rach said looked like a peninsula. And from wrist to elbow, my arms they hurt so much, so much.
  
  
• Exotic rehearsals start tomorrow!
  
  
• Gotta buy the pillows and linens for you soon ...
  
  
• Nope, not thinking about it - even though Rach asked if I'd decided today. Nope. Not thinking.

Jarvis Cocker - 'Black Magic'

Album: Jarvis

Hm.

You'll get here soon.

=)

रूप कुमार राठोड - 'खामोश रात'

Album: थक्षक OST

I find this song calms me down some.

I think ... I've already decided; I'm just so scared to find out what I've decided.

Talking to Rach tonight helped some.

And - a bonus - I found out Aphrodite has a mortal name ...

Ma belle.

Abra Moore - 'Taking Chances'

Album: No Fear

Ohh ... Opportunity knocks twice.

But -

... there will be time
To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and 'Do I dare?'
Time to turn back and descend the stair ...

He will wait, but only till December. (And how deeply he intrigues and fascinates me - but do I dare?)

I'm at the crossroads: Welly, or Singapore?

My guts, my heart, say ...



JUMP.

Melissa Etheridge - 'Breathe'

Album: Lucky

I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

I love this song, but there was a time I couldn't stand listening to it.

Feel so unsettled tonight, so unstable; hard to feel you're not damaged when it sometimes seems like you're just so fucked up. I think people do that to me. Maybe I still don't know how to handle things.

Auntie Al gives good hugs. Wish she were here to give me one right now. =(

Nellie McKay - 'Cupcake'

Album: Pretty Little Head

Said I, "... you've such a long list of criteria! Lower your fucking expectations!"

And she said, "Actually ... you're not that tall ..."

=/

I don't know; even if we didn't go back such a long way (my thought) and she were taller (her thought), I'm still not sure we are entirely compatible - never mind entering into a romantic relationship.

Still - always a fun topic to be arguing over though.

I'm sorry ... but I think it'd have to be no.

Or maybe I should give it another try ...?

Frou Frou - 'It's Good To Be In Love'

Album: Details

Saw an advertisement at a bus stop this morning which said, "Pimp your mind".

It stumped me for a moment as to why anyone would exhort another to "pimp your mind". I mean, seriously: Why?

I've always thought the mind was promiscuous, but it's not the same as whorish.

... Is it?

Catatonia - 'Mulder And Scully'

Album: International Velvet

Noooo.

This cannot be happening.

Stop stop stop stopstopstopstop.

Eddie Floyd - 'Good Love Bad Love'

Album: Death Proof OST

Uglily bruised.

But then I'll take bruises on the outside any day.

Bitter:Sweet - 'Dirty Laundry'

Album: The Mating Game

What I woke to in my head this morning:

(Oooh) What's the fun in playing it safe?
(Oooh) I think I'd rather misbehave
Your way ...

I don't even wanna think about it.

The subconscious is horrible thing ...

=|

Virginie Ledoyen - 'Mon Amour Mon Ami'

Album: 8 Femmes OST

What a strange serious of online conversations tonight ...

Blog 27 - 'I Still Don't Know Ya'

Album: LOL

Kid, flattery will get you in my doghouse; flattery you want to pass off as honesty will insult me. I mean, what do you take me for - another stupid skirt? Grr. >=|

Fine. You want stupid? I'll give you stupid.

Brain bogglingly boneheaded insufferably inane STUPIDITY.

Mika - 'Love Today'

Album: Life In Cartoon Motion

I reiterate: Sashimi. Buffet. And I'll like to add one more word: Sake. (Ain't no such thing as "too much".)

But it was also goodbye to my favorite girl ...

=...(






So, thank you so much for the postcard - it brightened the later half of my day some. 'Tis nice to see the flash mob's full moon on this dark-moon night.

April March - 'Chick Habit'

Album: Death Proof OST

After I told him about my collision, he was silent for awhile. Then he said, "It's a good thing you have a BioFlex bar; otherwise, if it were a titanium bar ..."

We'd be talking about deep muscle piercing, I'm guessing ... =|

Well, I'm just gonna hang tight and see how Baby feels next week.

Meanwhile, two deliriously delish words: Sashimi. Buffet.

^_^

Dominique - 'तड़प तड़प'

Album: हम दिल दे चुके सनम OST

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Don't know why Baby hurts so much. Had I been sleeping on her last night? Our nightly salt solution soak bit like a mother tonight.

Can't put off seeing Desmond anymore: Gotta go see him tomorrow and face the music. =(

Realized tonight, after griping to Germ, I really, really, really absolutely suck with analogies. "Buffet"?! What the fuck?

Whoever'd believe I was (and am gonna be) an English major?

Jill Philips - 'It Could Happen To Us'

Album: Kissing Jessica Stein OST

I'm officially adopting this as my theme song for November.

May it do me good.

Baby just imagine all that could happen
Between two people
If we just let down our guards
Trust it in our hearts
Think of how far we could go ...

Tracy Bonham - 'Naked'

Album: The L Word: The Third Season OST

I can talk to Rach the entire night; I could prolly do it forever. There's just so much to talk about, to debate over, etc. There are things I can tell and have told her that I've never spoken out loud.

I love how she's passionate about her convictions, and will stand by them; I love catching glimpses of the little girl who'd pop out from time to time; I love her infectious laugh.

What grace have I, indeed, to have her in my life, however short the period.

Dreams Come True - 'Love Love Love'

Album: Love Unlimited

The Indian lady commenting on the stain of the मेहँदी I had applied last Saturday: "This means your boyfriend loves you a lot. If you're married, then your husband loves you a lot."

"But ... The One still hasn't appeared; there's nobody in my life!" I lamented.

She laughed. "Then someone out there loves you a lot," said she.

You think?

I can only wish ...

X Japan - 'Longing'

Album: Ballad Collection

Yes, I do know life will not be the same one I had there previously.

I know I'm not going back to that life.

So stop telling me that.

I'm already trying very hard to hold it together, to be brave enough to give it a try anyway. It's very scary for me; I'm terrified. My armor isn't solid; it's full of holes and falling apart.

I don't need anybody to dent it further for me, okay?

So stop telling me that.

I know. I know.

I already know.

Kathy McCarty - 'Living Life'

Album: Before Sunset / Before Sunrise OST

I should set myself deadlines to adhere to. To start off, broadly, I'd like to get my student permit and visa by the end of this month.

Rach was right on many counts, among which: I need (a lot of) stimulation.

And, tonight, again, I think about how pissed off I'm gonna be if I were to die now: There are still so many things I have to, want to, experience and achieve.

eels - 'Somebody Loves You'

Album: Shootenanny

You know how people always console others with, "It's okay, you're not alone; you're not the only one [going through this] ..."?

Well, I think I finally found one of them who's out there, sharing my predicaments and problems; finally found that someone. Not quite sure how to feel about that: on one hand, it's nice to finally not feel so alone; on the other, while there are worse situations out there than my own, I'd never wish for any of my shit to happen to someone else, and I'm sorry that they do.

It's wonderful hanging out with Rach; sure gonna miss her a lot when she leaves.

I hope good things happen to her. Everything crossed for her lab results to turn out well.

Tommy Roe - 'Dizzy'

Album: Dizzy

It was pretty bad today; felt like I was floating when I was in motion, and when seated, like there were tremors from an earthquake.

Occasionally I get some kinda 'white-out' (don't know what else to call it) when I move from a seated to a standing position, but today, it was getting from a standing to seated position that had been a bit of a problem.

Gah ... Need. Sleep.

On the other hand, this kinda light-headedness makes for a rather surreal out-of-body experience.

Pizzicato Five - 'Baby Love Child'

Album: Made in USA

I feel kinda bad that I couldn't stop my eyes drifting downwards when we were together this afternoon (lunch, then shopping for maternity jeans), because she is an old friend. But ... boobs are boobs! (Right ...?) =(

So I think I got punished this evening. Just earlier this week I was telling someone dirty dancing was more detrimental to my baby than pole practice was, but now - BAM. Fucking huge and painful collision.

My baby hurt more, but at the end of the session, I found Anna so bloody I could hardly see her crystal ball.

Desmond's gonna murder me tomorrow ...

Jimmie Vaughn - 'Dengue Woman Blues'

Album: From Dusk Til Dawn OST

Horoscope suggested it; I took it. Played hooky from work. Was so tired I felt I could collapse.

Went back to bed around 9 AM and woke up just in time for lunch. Watched Invisible Waves (Tadanobu has lovely hair!).

Hmm. I like playing hooky.

Think I'll go dance now.

As of this moment, this is the best advice a horoscope has ever given.

Ennio Morricone - 'Paranoia Prima'

Album: Death Proof OST

Occurred to me today that I should be fretting over whether or not that boy would post all those pictures he took of Jit and me on Saturday; but then I remembered: The more salacious the shot, the more obscured my face had been. 'Tis all good. Still, I shall be mighty pissed off if I found anything online ...

On the the bleaker side, was asked if I'd be into a threesome.

So tired these days I feel dizzy half the time. The cab driver reminded me that the lack of sleep would lead to older-looking skin.

Will resolve to sleep earlier on weekdays.

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich - 'Hold Tight'

Album: Death Proof OST

The first of the goodbyes have started. Hege, today; Saket, tomorrow. Later on, Min; and still later on, Rach. I don't know if I'd ever say goodbye myself.

People come, and people go; I just wish some of them would stay a little longer. Especially those who have made such a difference in my life, who have helped shaped a part of what and who I am now.

But I also hope this means I'll be saying hellos real soon, too, to new people, and to the familiar ones who should return.

तो अलविदा नहीं - फिर मिलेंगे मेरे दोस्तों.

Tito & Las Tarantulas - 'After Dark'

Album: From Dusk Til Dawn OST

Retroactively unsatisfied.

I want to dance some more. I want to learn new moves.

Gotta stop dirty dancing.

Coasters - 'Down In Mexico'

Album: Death Proof OST

Hungry as hell. Pissed off that my high had worn off before I got home.

Insult to injury: I feel so cheap and used too.

I will consider being a fluffer again - but only if I get paid to do it. No more dirty dancing. No more getting it on with a prick-tease.

Gah. Wash make-up off. Brush teeth. Shower. Moisturize lips. To bed.

Desmond's gonna be exasperated with me the next time I go to him (prolly Tuesday); especially after Sanice told me (just on Friday) that my baby was healing well, too.

=(

Nine Inch Nails - 'The Downward Spiral'

Album: The Downward Spiral

So the blood tests results came back. I was expecting a clean bill; it wasn't. Nothing too serious according to my doc; the results read:

Dyserythropoietic changes present suggestive of thalassaemia trait. There is a mild leucopenia. No early cell seen.

Bottom-line: 15-25% of my blood is "bad" (his word), and I prolly have alpha thalassemia trait.

I've always known I was defected, but the older I get, I realize I'm actually more defected than I'd thought. According to Wikipedia, "Thalassemia Minor often coexists with other diseases such as asthma[5], and mood disorders[6]."

Both physically and psychologically defected.

Not only am I cursed by the stars, I'm also damaged goods ...

=...(

The Mountain Goats - 'Love Love Love'

Album: The Sunset Tree

This is my one and only achievement in an otherwise completely unproductive day:



I won spectactularly!

And my current track record stands at:

Jithra [...]: You won. Final Score: 0 to 60
Blake [...]: You won. Final Score: 9 to 55
Cheryl [...]: You won. Final Score: 16 to 48
ChihLeng [...]: You won. Final Score: 13 to 51
ChihLeng [...]: You won. Final Score: 46 to 18
Jithra [...]: You won. Final Score: 54 to 10
Keith [...]: You won. Final Score: 45 to 19
Hannah [...]: You won. Final Score: 5 to 59
Rachel [...]: You won. Final Score: 57 to 7
Bana [...]: You won. Final Score: 16 to 48
Louise [...]: You won. Final Score: 8 to 56

Whoever Cheryl is, she's one helluva player, the best I've come across so far, even if the score doesn't reflect that. I stayed up till 2 AM this morning, playing with her. Gave me quite a challenge.

I like.

=)

Catatonia - 'Mulder And Scully'

Album: International Velvet

Heard this song in my head in the middle of the work-day. Cause: Obviously not work-related.

:::

Finally saw her the first time in - I don't know - maybe four years. She still looks as she did back then, but she couldn't be more different than the girl in the first two years of our friendship.

She's like an Earth Mother, forever my idol and superstar.

"All you need is a dream." Wise words from a wise woman-child.

Maybe that could be my motto from now on.

Panic! At The Disco - 'But It's Better If You Do'

Album: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

Just a quick note in-between my waiting for my opponents to make their moves: I'm fucking (re-)addicted to the boardgame that's named for a certain overly-suspicious husband (or maybe not - I don't know).

That, and Scrabulous.

So if you're reading this, and you're on the Facebook (I mean, really, who isn't?), please add the apps and invite me to a game (or two dozens). If I'm able to beat you at one, then you'll prolly be able to rout me in the other (I've never played Scrabbles until today - pretty odd for an English major - and I suck like your best vacuum at it).

Gah! I can't get outta the games! I keep clicking on the "Start a random game" because ... gawd forbid anybody should take longer than a minute to make their next move ... =|

Cassie - 'Just One Night'

Album: Cassie

Such a headache tonight. Focus switched to a more trivial (yet no less stressful) item: Saturday, party, no costume, pressure to put on "scarlet lipstick" because "it'll look great with your complexion".

I mean, I figure I look scarier if I went as ... my regular ol' self, sans make-up and hair-care. Also, I really don't wanna go as The Fugliest Blind Drag Queen In The World ...

To all those so-called friends who, in reply to my request for costume suggestions ("something that's completely not me"), answered, "Angel": Thanks for nothin'!

=/

John Wesley Harding - 'I'm Wrong About Everything'

Album: High Fidelity OST

Been having strange dreams lately. Although they aren't really nightmarish or distressing, I know they're born of the anxiety I'm trying to ignore and not let get to me.

Stress is not having enough time and energy to complete everything, because I don't know how to prioritize. In addition to putting together an application, I owe Christine a topic (due tomorrow, before she goes on sabbatical; with the five-hour difference, I'm really not gonna make it), and have Jess's manuscript to edit.

All by this week.

And Wednesday through Friday (and prolly Saturday as well) will be taken up by dance (pole, belly, and exotic).



- No.

I'll smile and make it.

Because I must.

Jay Gordon - 'Slept So Long'

Album: Queen of the Damned OST

Woke up at 13:00 plus today - a first (and personal triumph).

Am I selfish ... or just human? Maybe a horribly selfish human.

Wondering (for the umpteenth time) whether my life fucks up or I do - or is that just the way things are for me? My heart tells me no, my mind tells me I know better; for once they're in accord.

Yet I still choose to ignore them.

'S okay; will only look stupid, and I deserve it - and everything else I have coming.






What the song says.

Jessie Mae Hemphill - 'Standing in My Doorway Crying'

Album: Mali to Memphis

1. Sent in application for the Graduate Award (which I prolly have a snowball's chance in hell of winning), and will be sending in for the Elaine Geering Scholarship in Literature (ditto).
   
   
2. Begun the long, drawn-out, and tedious process of gathering the necessary for a visa application.
   
   
3. Gave up three vials of blood to my doc.
   
   
4. Realized that I'm no longer as apprehensive towards needles as I was prior to my modifications.
   
   
5. Desmond declared that my baby is getting better, but warned I should not take it for granted ...
   
   
6. And must continue abstaining from alcohol for the next four weeks. =(
   
   
7. Started planning on the next mod: Must be dermal anchor(s)!

Ali Akbar Khan - 'Two Lovers (Mand)'

Album: Garden of Dreams

Most. Aggravating. Day.

(Even if I did purchase two of Marjane Satrapi's books for just SGD 5 each - Chicken with Plums, and Embroideries - as well as Norwegian Wood.)

One of my daily horoscopes did advise to take care when it comes to details, otherwise I'd feel I have an unproductive day. Well, it fucking did come true - and it's not a self-fulfilling prophesy. I thought it referred to work; it bloody wasn't.

And, just now, I realized I'd fucked up - for the second time.

I want to just run away.

Ciara - 'Get Up'

Album: Ciara: The Evolution

Not sure why, but I woke up hearing 30 Seconds To Mars' 'Attack' this morning; especially:

Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll attack, I will attack ...

Still unable to get upside down properly on the pole tonight, and various attempts had led to bruised ribs and hips - but am getting closer.

Ought to email Christine chosen topic soon.

=(

Why can't I do it?

Daddy Yankee - 'Impacto'

Album: El Cartel

"Hey!" was what I should've yelled - at least once.

"Watch it, you fucking blind fucker ..." would've been a lovely complementary addition, but I just wasn't raise that way. (Didn't stop me from thinking that, though - plenty times.)

Maybe it's just one of those days, but nobody'd believe how many fucking blind fuckers walked into me in the course of a ten minutes walk.

And to add insult to injury, I got bloody scratched too.

I could murder me a good homicide.

Truth Hurts ft. Rakim - 'Addictive'

Album: Addictive [Single]

Today's flushing session's diagnosis: I'm healing "slower than [Desmond] thought", but the amount of pus has reduced to "only ten percent of the last session".

Well, if I'm not healing any more, then I'm taking up his idea of removing the surface bar and replacing it with dermal anchors. (Yesssss! Dermal anchors!)

But I still gotta lay off the booze and seafood for a bit ... and - not that it'll be any chance of it - dance. =(

Honestly, I think I'd sooner quit meat than dance.

And I'm red meat-dependent.

Shivaree - 'Good Night Moon'

Album: I Oughta Give You A Shot In The Head For Making Me Live In This Dump

Am not sure why I'm always apprehensive about starting the work week.

I'm procrastinating again.

Because I'm scared.






Why am I so scared of everything?

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Lizzie West [EP]

I don't understand the lyrics; they seem a little disjunct. Like:

I took the notes of past excursions
And I read them through once more
Only to find them all diversions
From the one true love in store

The chariots rise
Up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him

So one's a fool to fall "so in love", even if it's with "the one true love in store"?

I'm perplexed: What am I not getting here?

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Lizzie West [EP]

Guess it helps to read back on past entries, so you can get a sense of what you want(ed) and where you stand now.

A lot seems to have changed since July.

I seem to have changed since.

Do I like who (or what) I am now? I don't know.

I don't even know who (or what) I am now.

Never mind what (or who) I want.

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Lizzie West [EP]

... and then I realized why I always prefer to wait it out. Sometimes, it's congenital procrastination; sometimes, it isn't.

Because sometimes the things I feel driven to do, when the compulsion passes over or fades, I'd think: Boy, I'm glad I didn't do it - who knows what consequences (which I might or might be able to handle) I might have to deal with.

So that's why I nearly always wait it out (unless I hurt too much there and then): Because I know it'll pass.

Nothing lasts forever.

Repeal 377A

I've signed it.

Have you?

Ciara - 'Get Up'

Album: Ciara: The Evolution

So incredibly frustrated at myself - the fear, the Fear.

Like how you know you can and will do it, but just ... don't dare to, even at the desperate end of your rope.

Everything tells you to Jump! - and you're ready, too - but for Fear.

And I don't know whether I'm hanging on because of that fear, or hanging on to that fear.

All primed to let go ...

But for that Fear.

Cassie - 'Me & U'

Album: Cassie

We're more than flirting with the serious probability of a miscarriage, and I'm prolly the dumbest-ass person in the entire history of bodmods and the quickest to lose a piercing.

Pole never will go with piercings ... But I love them both.

Oh, this can't be a good sign, of all that it has come to signify.

=...(



So black and portentous must this humor prove, / Unless good counsel may the cause remove.

(Or a phone call ...)

Caedmon's Call - 'Love Alone'

Album: Long Line of Leavers

Auntie Al, whenever I tell her I'm attracted to any female, would encourage (read: nag) me to "go for it" and "give it a shot", and share her (overly) optimistic outlook that "[all girls] are not-straight until proven otherwise"; but when it comes to males, she'll always but always dismiss my infatuations with a single, laconic line: "You just need to be fucked, lah."

=/

k.d. lang - 'Consequences of Falling'

Album: Invincible Summer

In a cab speeding along the ECP (prolly my favorite local highway), I suddenly thought about how unbelievably solipsistic I am when it comes to emotions - among other things - but especially emotions.

Bit of a stalker mentality.

Plenty of self-delusions.

Which is why I'm (more often than not) relieved when the breaker of ardor finally recedes back into the ocean.

But, for now, I think I'll just enjoy the ride.

'S been a long time.

Mika - 'Happy Ending'

Album: Life In Cartoon Motion

I feel so good after a session on the pole. So good.

At work, it was great to be coordinating stuff I could see come together, no matter how slowly. It's just nice to feel like I'm doing something useful for a change.

And then the boss comes along and takes up my time doing shit tasks ("Please print confidentially"). Was so pissed off at him today I felt like giving notice.



... Although I gotta admit, it'd something to do with my being able to call Mephisto up with a legitimate excuse too ...

Abusivo - 'Guidala'

Album: Hip Hop and Reggaeton Revolution

I really wish I knew what is going on.

In my life.

(Please happen. Happen good.)

Am so afraid of the week ahead ...

Yet, at the same time, excited - we have two pole sessions tentatively scheduled.

Aqualung - 'Strange And Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You)'

Album: Still Life

They almost - almost - have me convinced me to call him.

Because work was just an excuse for him.

I'm high, but not that high to believe them.



Not that I don't desperately want to ...

Khia - 'My Neck My Back'

Album: Thug Misses

Was feeling down and downer even as we sped to ADS for our first 'rehearsal'.

So far, the count (straw poll among friends unfortunate enough to be of even vaguely sympathetic disposition and within hearing distance) is three to one that I should give the object of my (insane, totally wrong) puerile infatuation a ring.

I hate it when I'm attracted to someone other than physically: It's always more intense and takes forever to wear off.

Gotta admit - I'm getting pissed off at him ...

Rufus Wainwright - 'Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk'

Album: Poses

I'm alternating between panic attacks and the tantalizing glimpse of the dream I dream. Panic attacks and determination.



Earlier in the evening, I realized how it's so much more satisfying to want something and then make the decision to do that thing - compared to after having done that thing you wanted to do.



I really should stop reading Lolita.

Germ thinks I should ask him out.

Gary Puckett and the Union Gap - 'Young Girl'

Album: Young Girl: The Best of Gary Puckett and the Union Gap

... no, I don't think reading Lolita now is helping my school-girl crush.

Because now I keep thinking, " ... but he's only gonna be thirty years - thirty-five tops - older than me. That isn't a lot - it's just thirty years ..."

.
.
.

But the circumstances under which we met made it so totally inappropriate for me to call him.

How to carpe diem?

(Bag of bricks arrived this evening. Am a little depressed and anxious and excited - I have nowhere to live next year.)

Leo Sayer - 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing'

Album: Charlie's Angels OST

Oh, oh, oh the package of bricks arrived today.

I want to start building immediately ... but I know it's gonna be a long drawn-out process.

Best start thinking of a topic for Christine now.

Yes, yes, yes!






(And, yup, still nursing that school-girl crush - but less giddily.

Why do I always but always manage to want what I can never get?)

Frou Frou - 'Must Be Dreaming'

Album: Details

Crank up the cement machine - we've got the first of the many acceptances and approvals we need to start building our castle! Waiting on them to send the parcel of bricks now.

And I've got it bad.

Really bad.

My giddy school-girl's crush. ("Will he call he? Will he not?")

Not yet a school-girl though ...

Not yet.

Frou Frou - 'Hear Me Out'

Album: Details

This morning, I read this quote on the tag of my Celestial Seasonings Earl Grey teabag: "Where there's life, there's hope. - Terence"

I'm still alive, I know; therefore, I should still have hope.

Hope.

Sean Kingston - 'Beautiful Girls'

Album: Sean Kingston

The first two people I showed off my newest baby to had polar reactions.

Rach turned away, covering her eyes, shrieking, "Eeeeek!"

(A moment later, she turned back for a second look, apologizing, "Sorry, I freaked out ...")

Jit, however, the very first person who saw my baby, thought it was sexy; in fact, she liked it so much she wanted one ... but "only if I can get anesthesia first!" =/

Just for her positive reaction, I promised to get it on with her the next time we party.

Frou Frou - 'It's Good To Be In Love'

Album: Details

Realization of the day: I want someone who wants me, not someone who couldn't make up their mind or is unsure.

But I currently want someone I don't know wants me the same way I want them or not (I think not), but at least now I know who I'd like to give a lap dance to.



Maybe this will pass soon ...

Frou Frou - 'Ssh'

Album: Details

So I came home, went up to my room, and there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find the sister who told me, "Mom's been asking me if you're lesbian ..."

I nodded, and shut the door.

Am still too enamoured with my newest baby to worry or care.

I know what I'd written before, but I was so down when I left work today (arrivederci, Mephisto), I tumbled straight into the arms of my usual comforter.

Can't wait for him to send me the pic of my (still unnamed) baby!

Doobie Brothers - 'Listen to the Music'

Album: Greatest Hits

I thought I was happy because I was kept so very busy at work, thought (laughably enough) I might be workaholic.

Then I realized ... I'm only not unhappy.

Because I didn't have the time or breath to dwell and linger on it.

Work doesn't make me happy; it only keeps me from thinking.

And when you don't think, you don't feel.

Abra Moore - 'Taking Chances'

Album: No Fear

I feel 'it' has plateaued, although I'm not quite sure what it is. Perhaps a large part of it my life, I think.

And I can't stand it.

No no no no no no, I can't.

But I don't know what to do about it.

Nine Inch Nails - 'Eraser'

Album: The Downward Spiral

I realized I've started spending the money I'd been saving towards building my castle; it's almost as if subconsciously I've already known for a fact the castle wouldn't be built and gave up all hope.

But it's just occurred to me that it's time to let go, so I can truly start anew.

Even if what I gotta let go and what I'm looking forward to and desire are almost the same thing.

Almost.

Gotta give up the dream I dreamed for the one I want to start dreaming.

I Am Kloot - 'Proof'

Album: I Am Kloot

I need something more.

.
.
.

If only I knew what.

Diana King - 'Shy Guy'

Album: Bad Boys OST

I just remembered her telling me how she liked this song when we were fourteen. A little strangely enough, I woke up hearing this song in my head, wondering why.

Ohhh ... she's pregnant and engaged; wish I could give her a big, big hug.

I do wonder sometimes if I tended to be drawn to girls who are a lot like her after meeting her, because she's just ... everything.

Like she'd set the benchmark or something.

The second girl I followed after (the first being Lizard), but ... the first girl, first woman, in everything else.

k.d. lang - 'Sexuality'

Album: All You Can Eat

It's occurred to me that I want - need - to be seduced.






By Aphrodite, if I could have it my way.

Hector El Father - 'Esta Noche De Travesura'

Album: Hip Hop and Reggaeton Revolution

We found the fuck-you boots today, Jit and I! Black shiny PVC with stiletto heels!

I feel they're changing me, the girls; not certain at all the change is a positive one, but ... I seem to be enjoying myself, so for once I'm gonna fuck it and just live it up while it lasts.

Pole sessions on temporary hiatus 'til we find a new studio, I now have the exotic dance performance team rehearsals to look forward to.

And a pole/exotic/strip/lap dance "boot camp".



Somehow, though, I know it's so wrong to be blinkered by all these ...

Arash ft. Rebecca - 'Temptation'

Album: Arash

Fuck.

Can't sleep.

No pole session tomorrow as studio has been sold.

There was this woman who was on the same flights to and fro: Very strongly attractive; and I couldn't stop looking at her.

I wonder if she recognized me - or at least my Birkies - the second time round ...

Erma Franklin - 'Take A Little Piece Of My Heart'

Album: The Very Best of the Blues

Every time I fly (back) into Singabloodypore, it's a confirmation of how this place really, really sucks, which is why, whenever a (non-Singaporean) friend asks what Singapore has to offer to a tourist, I'd be stumped.

I think my favorite buy of this trip - the first in more than six months(!) - would be a (secondhand) copy of Early Erotic Photography for just SGD 8!



Don't dare to think what awaits me in the office on Monday ... =(

Mama Cass Elliot - 'Dream A Little Dream'

Album: The Best of the Mamas and the Papas

Well.

Soon to be off for most of the week, and packing's a bitch. I keep thinking I'm going to Bangkok (I'm not), which is pretty strange.

It is inertia alone that keeps me in one place.

Daddy Yankee - 'Gasolina'

Album: Barrio Fino

I'd meant to post a reminder-to-self about something that'd seemed to be pretty revelation-ary.

... What was that thought I had again?

Grrr.

Don't you just hate it when you don't get drunk - or even just high - enough to forget you've forgotten to remember?

=/



Hmm ... 'Gasolina'.

Still. Vant. To. Dance. Reggaeton just rocks, lah.

Blog 27 - 'I Still Don't Know Ya'

Album: LOL

Has been an odd sorta day, I think, though not a bad one at all.

Danced with a sexy (yes, Hege was right; he was sexy, in retrospect) bald guy (last event of this loooong day). He was a pretty good dancer, salsa background maybe. Hege speculated he might be Cuban; I don't know any better.

Unfortunately, he and I had different agendas.

As I told Hege, "Just because I find your couch pretty doesn't mean I want to fuck it ..."

I wish I found him attractive though ... =(

Radiohead - 'Creep'

Album: Pablo Honey

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here
I don't belong here

Goddess, this song is So Fucking Emo.

Unfortunately, things are only ever funny when they happen to someone else ...

Radiohead - 'Creep'

Album: Pablo Honey

Had a thought today: I'm not pretty, not smart, definitely not funny, and have no abilities or talent whatsoever to speak of; so exactly what kinda career can I possibly have?

Guess all I want is to find something I like doing, and do it best as I could.

(Also, in reaction to certain ... doctrine ... inculcated since childhood, to strive to be as ugly as I can manage - I don't think that's entirely bizarre at all.)

Maybe I can be a professional wallflower or doormat.

That's a thought ...

Nirvana - 'Come As You Are'

Album: Nevermind

My poor baby ... My heart aches at the sight of her. Wish she didn't have to be sterilized.

And it seems like I have hurt my right wrist.


=...(

Can't something good happen to me?

.
.
.

Or had it, already?

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat (Single)

Sometimes, I feel so bad about myself I need to make a change - however small - to feel better about myself.

Like a piercing.

It does make sense.

Ms. John Soda - 'Done Twice'

Album: Drop Scene

Walked right into the bed and the stairs railing yesterday, resulting in extra bruises.

And it's occurred to me that I seem to be always walking into things with my eyes open.

Eyes open - walk into things: Pain - self-inflicted.

At the end of the day, it's all my fault.

Always has been.

Ms. John Soda - 'Sometimes Stop, Sometimes Go'

Album: Notes And The Like

For one prolonged moment at work, I felt it was making me really unhappy.

I think ... There's a lot that I want (in more than one sense), but I just don't know what. I wish I do, but I don't. Why can nobody understand that but me?

Right now, dance is my only escape.

But I really, really, really don't know what else I can do.

Fujiya & Miyagi - 'Transparent Things'

Album: Transparent Things

Okay.

I think, if Auntie Al commented that I looked like I'd lost a lot of weight, it's time to start worrying about the inches.

Grrr. Why is it that the inches around my ass and tits are the first to go, and the ones from my waist never?

I suspect I'd dropped a bra size.

Is worrisome sadness!

=(

Melissa Ferrick - 'Drive'

Album: Freedom.

Everything sounds muffled; can't feel feet; am extremely dehydrated; back hurts from stupid heels.

Strangely enough, it was kinda fun (and funny - but that's another story).

What creatures are human beings who derive pleasure from grinding and humping total strangers to deafening music? I wish they allowed me to be barefooted; woulda been so much nicer dancing if that were the case.

Z-Trip vs. Run Run Run - 'Fade Into You' (Mazzy Star cover)

Album: Endless Winter

Still very, very, very exhausted. And dehydrated.

Wonder how I can back out tonight ... The prospects of spending a high voltage evening in some club is enough to send me into a coma.

What I really want is a nice quiet evening, and twent-four hours of rest.

Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'

Album: Who's Got Trouble

So, so, so tired.

Don't feel loved tonight; need a cuddle.

None forthcoming.

=(

Jamie Lidell ft. Jose Gonzales - 'Multiply (In A Minor Key)'

Album: Multiply Additions

I know Hege was absolutely right when she said, "It's not my duty to heal anybody, to make them better ..."; and also when she said, "Life is too short to feel guilty or bad about things ..."

But recognizing a truth intellectually has never meant being able to do it; and the impediment is always a psychic/emotional one.

I think it might be the six formative years spent in a Methodist school from which germinated my propensity for guilt and the obsessive compulsion to atone for all my sins.

There's so much I feel I could learn from her ...

Federico Aubele - 'Esta Noche'

Album: Gran Hotel Buenos Aires

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize saying 'yes' - making the conscious decision to say 'yes' - means opening myself to different experiences; that, indeed, "To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence." (Otto Hoffman in Waking Life, Richard Linklater, 2001.)

Am I on an accelerated and steep learning curve here?



An hour with my (yes, mine) pole makes all the difference to my least favorite day of the week, the pinnacle of a dreary work week.

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat (Single)

I just had a thought; not sure what I was thinking when I thought it.

If I gave up an abandoned past and a future that may very well turn out to be merely a smokescreen ... even if I did -

Will there be anything - will there be more - that would come now?



What would I choose?

Tracy Bonham - 'Whether You Fall'

Album: The L Word: Season 3 OST

Have made the decision today to be a risk-taker. Calculated risk-taker. (Or maybe just to err less on this side of caution.)

And then I went and had about four inches of my hair lopped off (I wanted more, but my hairdresser wouldn't).

It always takes forever to blow-dry my hair, and as I watched the shampoo girl painstakingly part, pin up, and brush-and-blow-dry my hair, it occurred to me I'm a lot like my hair:

• Not entirely straight;
  
  
• Will have some semblance of straightness after much pain and effort;
  
  
• Will lose all semblance of straightness after a couple of hours in the breeze; and
  
  
• Needs to be heavily pulled down into straightness.

Goldfrapp - 'Human'

Album: Felt Mountain

I can't do the following without feeling something in my ribs and down my sides that spans the spectrum from mild discomfort to outright pain - inhale deeply, raise my arms, sneeze, blow my nose, laugh, and cough.

And that pleases me insanely; because that means I had pushed myself in yesterday's session (albeit, in my opinion, not nearly enough).

Can't wait for our extra session this Wednesday!

Nirvana - 'Lithium'

Album: In Utero

In addition to bruises on my feet, ankles, shins, knees, and inner thighs, today's haul includes bruises on my ribs (both sides), outer thighs, and the sides of my heels. Well, as Hege kept repeating, "WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE!"

Um, yes, ma'am ... =|

Went into two sex shops in the course of our meandering: I think I need to start a sex shop fund and make a shopping list soon ... even though I thought the breadth and depth of the merchandise were pretty lacking.

I definitely want a whip and leather ankle and hand cuffs.

And leather gloves (opera-length).

Nirvana - 'About A Girl'

Album: Bleach

After listening to my "... but when it hurts, it really hurts ...", Rachael had remarked, "It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship - emotionally-abusive relationship."

I'm not; I'm just ... tender, I guess. And, in a way, I revel in the pain like a pig in its own muck. Either pain is a comfort zone, or I'm a masochist in my own way, I guess.

What a strange evening this has been: Zenzi, Wil, Rachael, Roger, Taufik. Postponements and cancellations upon chance meetings and spontaneous invitations.

And I realized I no longer like being touched by a male, friend or no, unless I know he's gay. This is, frankly, truly disturbing.

Foo Fighters - 'Next Year'

Album: There Is Nothing Left To Lose

Just so happened that my mp3 player kept playing 'Next Year' this morning; reminded me of the times in Welly I played it, especially in 2004: Every time I heard this track, it depressed me.

But this morning, listening to this song after a hiatus of two years, it gave me hope. Hope.

It's all in the perspective.

Belle & Sebastian - 'You Made Me Forget My Dreams'

Album: Lazy Line Painter Jane

Don't remember having another bizarre dream last night, but I suppose I didn't have enough time to dream, what with two texts from Jit at 1 AM and one from Geeta at 6 AM keeping me awake and waking me up.

Boy am I tired ...

Belle & Sebastian - 'A Century Of Fakers'

Album: 3 - 6 - 9 Seconds of Light

This August month seems to be passing so quickly.

Geeta's back from Myammar and texted me. Has she only been away for a couple of months? So much seems to have happened since she left.

Relativity?

Van Morrison - 'Brown Eyed Girl'

Album: Blowin' Your Mind!

This day ... Sigh.

So hard to find my way / Now that I'm all on my own ...



(Very danceable, this song.)

Fisher - 'Any Way'

Album: One

It occurred to me, this evening as I was going up on an escalator, that I fucking love going up on an escalator, and I felt like I could do that forever - on an escalator forever ascending.

But then I thought about how all things that go up must come back down, so I didn't want to be going up for too long, because my problem'd never been going up; no, it'd always been coming down. I think, when I was young, I'd climb so high up (slide? ladder? tree? hill?) I was stuck, because I was too scared to climb down.

So what I finally concluded was, I'd like to be going up and down continually on escalators.

It just seemed so ... wow.

You know?

Anoushka Shankar & Sting - 'The Book of My Life'

Album: Sacred Love

Terrifying thought: I haven't read a book in, maybe, months.

No wonder I'm getting (more) stupid. I can barely string together three words to form a coherent sentence now ... Ack.



And I'm a terrible dancer.

=(

Muse - 'Feeling Good' (Nina Simone cover)

Album: Queer As Folk Season 3

Pole. Kanya. Bought a bag from Topman (I don't like it when the boys get nicer accessories than the girls). Average dinner served with great conversation.

This day hasn't been half bad, lah.

=)

(Muse does lovely covers, hot damn!)

Christina Aguilera - 'Nasty Naughty Boy'

Album: Back To Basics

Be seein' you in 11 hours, big boy - can't wait till I get my hands and legs around you and practise my moves.

Ack! I find myself reaching for every single freakin' pole and railing in sight, reaching to grasp them to assess their thickness (and, therefore, suitability). =/

You know ... If I removed my queen-sized bed and installed my own pole right in the middle of my bedroom and put up full-length mirrors on both walls, I'd have my own studio (albeit a rather small one)!

I think it's doable! I can sleep in the balcony or the piano room!

K's Choice - '20,000 Seconds'

Album: Cocoon Crash

And so the real waiting ... begins.

Ornob - 'Shey Je Boshe Ache'

Just gotta remember: I can and will do this, get through this.

Determination.



... Or stubbornness?

Tanya Chua - 'It's Your Chance'

Album: Chicken Rice War OST

Took stock of stuff today: I've been slacking for too long.

It's time I quit complaining about not having enough time. As Wil'd suggested: "... time cannot be made [...] time can however be stretched, molded, twisted, and compressed."

And, most importantly, time is relative.

I'm (re)directing my focus now on two things - studies, and dance. Everything else will have to be secondary, or even tertiary.

Now it's your chance to do what you wanna do
There's no time to waste
The day is still young, the world waits for no one
What are you waiting for?

What, indeed.

Aqualung - 'Brighter Than Sunshine'

Album: Still Life

It's been a long day.

So glad my after-hours are so much nicer than my office ones ... even if they were so much fewer.

=)

Hooverphonic - 'Mad About You'

Album: A Lot Like Love OST

My first pole dancing class overshadowed the fact that we've graduated from three modules of exotic dance yesterday! That's about five choreographies (two chair-work, one lap dance, and one floor-work).

If I didn't so suck at dancing (and am prettier/have a better figure yadda yadda yadda), I'd like to do that as a part time job or something.

Guess I best focus on pole dancing now.

Would be nice to live in a studio apartment that's also a dance studio: French windows. Mirrors. Barre.

Pole.

Nine Inch Nails - 'Closer'

Album: The Downward Spiral

So ...

I finally succumbed to peer pressure this evening, promised Hege, Jit, and Rachel I'd go register at Facebook. =| Can't believe I'd still be under peer pressure at my age, but go figure.

Pole dancing is Fucking. Awesome. I've got bruises on my legs like I were in an abusive relationship.

... Well, even if I were, I Fucking. Love. It. (I'm a masochist that way.) I love the pole - prolly the only phallic object I'd love from now on.

Can't wait for next Saturday.



(I want to dance to 'Closer' right now!)

चित्र ft. उस्ताद सुलतान अली खान - 'पिया बसंती रे'

Album: पिया बसंती

Was talking to Saket earlier this evening; a strange conversational topic (for me), I'd think - marriage and family.

His is an arranged one, and he talked about learning to accept the marriage, his wife, and the one-eighty change to his lifestyle after marriage.

He told me something to the effect of: "If you are willing to accept someone, to stay with someone, nobody can stop the both of you."



I think this is something worth thinking about.

eels - 'Love of the Loveless'

Album: Queer as Folk: The Fourth Season OST

All around you people walking
Empty hearts and voices talking
Looking for and finding
Nothing

I think I might be turning nocturnal ...

Frou Frou - 'It's Good To Be In Love'

Album: Details

This morning, again, I heard Of Montreal's "... it's such a burden to carry round / the vestiges of dead dreams ..." before I even turned on my mp3 player.

Then, in middle of the afternoon, in buried under a pile of printouts, receipts, invoices, and spreadsheets, I heard the first eight beats of this song even though no music is allowed in the office.

And after I knocked off, I couldn't stop listening to this song.

If you googled for the lyrics, you'll find that, contrary to what the track title might suggest, it's really a sad, sad song.

Maybe I should stop analyzing my state of mind by the songs that pop into my head - seemingly at random.



But they don't seem random mostly - if at all.

30 Seconds To Mars - 'Attack'

Album: A Beautiful Lie

Still waiting to be retrenched.

No matter how much I complain about my job, I still need it. At least till the end of this year. I need the money, unfortunately.

I wish something nice would happen to me.

R.E.M. - 'At My Most Beautiful'

Album: Up

I saw you today; you made my heart jump.

That means it still works, and I'm still alive.

Coheed & Cambria - 'An End To A Beginning'

In the bus this morning, I thought my wrists look much smaller than I remembered, but when I grasped one with my hand, it felt exactly as it always had.

In the bus this evening, I thought how much I'd like to have someone who'd always be on my side, when I've been hurt, and stand up for me. Then I realized nobody's ever deliberately hurt me; if I hurt, it's all in my mind, all my doing. Always has been.

But to be able to feel pain is to be alive, right?

X Japan - 'Endless Rain'

Album: Ballad Collection

In my comfort zone in this thunderstormy night.

I'm home, but scared.

K's Choice - 'Not An Addict'

Album: Paradise in Me

Downtime.

Tonight's a very bad night, this dark moon night.

Milk offering tomorrow.



शक्ति

Tosca Tango Orchestra - 'Ballade 4, Part 1'

Album: Waking Life OST

I think ...

I feel like this piece of music at the moment.

Blog 27 - 'I Still Don't Know Ya'

Album: LOL

There are so many times I wish I could shed my body, because it doesn't feel like mine, because it traps me and weighs me down.

Without it, I feel I can run forever and never be out of breath, dance away into infinity ...

Sometimes, I wish I could dance and dance and dance ... until I break this clay vessel that imprisons me and slip away; free, at last.

Big Mountain - 'Baby I Love Your Way'

Album: Reality Bites OST

Watched Reality Bites (after Pyaar Ke Side Effects) today. It's still relevant, still makes sense today; in fact, it makes more sense to me now than when I first watched it (in my early teens).

Never really thought about who I am, what my identity is. I'm just ... me, I guess ... you know? And whoever that is - I don't know.



Need a long cuddle; need a good friend ...

=(

X Japan - 'Say Anything'

Album: Ballad Collection

You will be very vulnerable emotionally, therefore stay away from situation where you are likely to get hurt.

This is part of one of the horoscopes I read this morning, and I wondered if living means staying put and getting hurt, not running away anymore.

But running away had always hurt as well ...

Maybe a broken heart's like a slipped disc: It'll recur (maybe more and more frequently so), and even the slightest exertion would cause pain.

Or perhaps it's possible to be trapped beneath the dusty debris of a heart broken in another life.

And if you couldn't free yourself in time, and weren't found and rescued before the fresh air runs out, then, I guess, you will only die.

INXS ft. Sona - 'Afterglow' (Fusion)

Album: V Channel Blast 2007

Another long day.

Good news: Christine, Geoff, and Peter approved (unofficially). Bad news: Midway through the morning, I seemed to have tripped and entangled myself in knots - and this is just the beginning.

Kai later reiterated what the numerologist kinda said: You created the knots in your mind ... Yourself.

Didn't make it to Beavers for pole dancing ... =(



Not quite sure why - nor understand how - I can't be in a good mood if you aren't.

Notorious MSG - 'Dim Sum Girl'

Album: Die Hungry

How can they expect me to focus, at work, when I'm not allowed to have any distractions? Them crazy corporate types ...

=/

Today's been ... some day.

Glad I decided to live.

Arianne - 'Komm, Susser Tod'

Album: 新世紀エヴァンゲリオン劇場版: The End of Evangelion OST

I decided today that I don't want to live vicariously anymore.

I want to live.

Seether ft. Amy Lee - 'Broken'

Album: Disclaimer

Feels like a long day - for one that only actually began around 12 noon.

Have to think about other things tonight; now.

Hege sounded so, so, so terribly sad when she said, "When people hear you're a dancer, they just think you're a prostitute. People think I'm a Russian hooker."

Me and sadness ...

But she has fight. Which is a good thing. I think I've been trying to cultivate that.

Hege's got a new haircut. I feel like taking that as a sign that I should get mine too.

The Killers - 'Read My Mind'

Album: Sam's Town

Come Monday, I will print out the application form and work on it.

Yes, I will.

And I will be patient.

रूप कुमार राठोड़ - 'खामोश रात'

Album: थक्षक OST

Am getting quite worried about all the uptime I'm having; I worry about all the downtime I'd have to pay back for it.

Yet, every time I feel myself falling, I pull myself back up; disallow myself to fall further.

Joyce was right: Wretched misery and desperate depression are my comfort zone. It feels weird not to be there.

But I guess it feels pretty good, too.



लेकिन ... यह सच है या सपना?

Ani DiFranco - 'In or Out'

Album: Being Out Rocks

Oh no!

Aileen's four-day transit in Singapore will clash with Indignation 2007.

Am torn between her and attending the events that I am itching to ...

Sadness.

Bad-timingytis strikes me again.

=(

Stentorian - 'Fancy Girl'

Album: Stentorian (EP) [MySpace]

Had an unpleasant realization just now. I'll save it till Monday - when it'd prolly be confirmed.

Still no news from Christine or Geoff. The Ganesha I'd set atop my monitor doesn't seem to be helping ... =(

(Be. Patient.)

Maybe a new quest? For the two books I'd lusted after since 2004: Klaeber's 1950 edition of Beowulf and the Fight at Finnsburg and Brodeur's The Art of Beowulf.

They're just two of the long list of reasons I gotta get back to Welly ...

Pulp - 'Like A Friend'

Album: Great Expectations OST

You are the dream I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age
Like a car crash I can see but I just can't avoid
Like a plane I've been told I never should board
Like a film that's so bad but I've got to stay till the end ...

Funny how that comes after the thesis of the song:

I've done this before
And I will do it again
Come on and kill me baby
While you smile like a friend
Oh and I'll come running
Just to do it again

Am addicted ...

All over again. =)

Pulp - 'Like A Friend'

Album: Great Expectations OST

(Be. Patient.)

No emails today from Christine or Geoff. Am finding it terribly hard to wait idly. Thought about making another process list, this time with dates and deadlines, working backwards.

Text from Hege today, prolly the brightest bit of my day:

hi babes, on tuesdays and thursdays 2.30-3.30 pm we can practice pole dancing at beavers at [...]

Joy! Pole dancing!

The Cranberries - 'Dreams'

Album: Animal Instinct

Have to keep reminding myself: Be. Patient.

Because if it should seem bad now, it'd be much worse later.

Because it's always when you're just - just - within reaching distance, fingertips glancing the shiny red skin of the apple, its refreshing sweet scent teasing your nostrils, that even a fraction of a milimeter would be light years away, and it would take several lifetimes - or never - to have it in your grasp.

For some, this may be 'relativity'; for me, it's merely किस्मत.

إن شاء الله, I will dream again.

Tracy Chapman - 'Give Me One Reason'

Album: New Beginnings

Emailed Christine today. For all I know, this could be just a tiny baby step in Sisyphus' upward schlep.

But: One step at a time.

Feel oddly ... incomplete today - stranded? aground? - maybe I'm going for 'stalled'; like I'm supposed to be going somewhere but got stuck in traffic, in a jam so wretched nothing's moving, least of all not me.

I fear men in power (as foretold) would have their hands in the manipulation the course of my river's flow.

Death Cab For Cutie - 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark'

Album: Plans

In the bathroom just now, I reframed my question from another perspective. Instead of thinking about a possible career/job option, I thought: How do I wanna give back to society.

The short of it (reflexive): I don't, not really, because I don't particularly like society.

But then I remembered the wonderful people - strangers - who'd helped me, some without even being asked, who'd touched my life, and I just knew I wanted to be like them: I want to help people; perhaps emotionally, maybe spiritually.

I think I should be a tarot card reader, or the like.

=)

The White Stripes - 'I Don't Know What To Do With Myself' (cover)

Album: Elephant

I want a haircut. With bangs.

And I know I'll regret it.

29^th July. Bye-bye ... something. (Illusion of hope? Desperate wild final grasp at anything that could save/help me?)

.
.
.

Exactly just what is my dream?

लता मंगेशकर - 'चलते चलते'

Album: पकीज़ाह OST

Throat sore. I don't know how or why. =(

Rewatched bits of मुग़ल-ए आज़म and all of पकीज़ाह today. Felt like a good day for melodrama in gorgeous dress.

I love Meena Kumari, the overwhelming sorrow and tragedy she wore in her aura, her tearfully-breaking voice.

Sadness always steals my heart; I don't know why. I give my heart to sadness and it hands me back a pulpy, bloody mess, beyond recognition, perhaps beyond repair: There is such a thing as "asking for it".

Must watch myself these full moon nights. Be aware. Beware.

The Doors - 'Break on Through (To the Other Side)'

Album: Forrest Gump OST

Mental note: Empty black sesame seeds into canal tomorrow night; visit temple and offer milk to Durga on the night of the full moon.

Well.

I did get what I wanted, didn't I? To be the moon, not the sun?

Be careful what you wish for, indeed ...

=(

Jarvis Cocker - 'Black Magic'

Album: Jarvis

They have absolutely no sympathy for me, my girlfriends - and they think I'm gullible, have been lied to, cheated, and molested.

How can they not have any sympathy for me?!

=/

Then again, when was the last time I was laughing till I wept?

Right - the last time we had dinner together.

I love my girlfriends (even if they have no sympathy for me)!

Love you both! =)

Yo La Tengo - 'Don't Have To Be So Sad'

Album: Summer Sun

Bob would comment, "What a nice cubicle!" every time he passes my cubicle. It was supposed to be his, but he hates it, so my boss gave him mine. Without asking me. (But of course, I'm just a lowly minion.) Now I have no privacy. =/

"I'm trying to get you to think that!" Bob said when I gave him a look.

"Yeah? Ask me again in a month," I told him.

Then I realized I mightn't even have a job in a month's time.

=|

Hair is longer than I'd thought; I want a haircut - with bangs.

Byrds - 'Turn! Turn! Turn!' (To Everything There Is a Season)

Album: Forrest Gump OST

I wonder if I'd ever get across the river, even one stone step at a time. I really think I'm not cut out to do HR work: Was so sad for Steve today, another head culled. I really like Steve a lot, even though we've never really communicated. He just seems like a really nice bloke - and he shares the same date of birth as WJ.

He called me "young Serene"; as in, "Dave, would you please help young Serene with her printer problem?"

Nobody's called me 'young' in ages!

I wish he didn't have to be retrenched ...

=...(

Bon Jovi - 'Postcards From The Wasteland'

Album: Bounce

I's so tired. And achey-breaky.

I misses you.

=...(

Rufus Wainwright - 'Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk'

Album: Poses

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

And he did tell me that night that it is in my life to be forever hurt and disappointed by the people I love and care about.

He also said to learn to forgive and forget ... myself included.

=...(

Etta James - 'I Just Wanna Make Love To You'

Album: Smooth Jazz

Yessssss!

Back a little strained, and knees uglily bruised ... But.

But.

I'm dancing again! Humping the floor and grinding the wall!

Had two back-to-back classes with Hege; one of which was just me and her! New naughty choreography!

Rrrrrr ...

;)

Harvey Fierstein - 'I Am What I Am'

Album: Being Out Rocks

Was told tonight that I need someone, need a partner. Always. Must go through life with one.

He asked why I'm not in a relationship and didn't buy my standard line, "Because nobody wants me."

Am now at a loss.

Okay.

Fine.

This is my one-size-fits-all resumé. Am up to be headhunted.

=)

Frou Frou - 'Shh'

Album: Details

Happy One Week, Baby!

One week old, one week of subterfuge.



Unfortunately, you're the last piece of work I can get done this year. I need to save up for ... my dreams now.

Rufus Wainwright - 'Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk'

Album: Poses

She called me early this evening, "just wanted to check on how you're doing", and asked if I were free tonight.

"Did you want to come over?" I asked; she did. "Why didn't you call me yesterday? I was ... free yesterday."

"Why didn't you call me?" she asked in reply.

I have so much to tell her. Not tonight. Soon.

So please be kind if I'm a mess.

Elliot Smith - 'Miss Misery'

Album: Either/Or

I think I need her today, need to talk to her, to unload.

But I'm afraid to need people, afraid to tell them I need them.

I don't want her to turn me down when I ask her to come over tonight, so I didn't.

It's so crazy-stupid that I don't ask because I don't like being rejected, but the end result is the same: I get nothing.

Is it crazy-stupid to choose the softer route knowing the destination is the same?

Lilix - 'It's About Time'

Album: Falling Uphill

Tonight, I wonder if "it's over before it has begun" might actually be possible.

Can what has not happened not happen? Can you end something that has not started?



I don't think I'd ever want to find out.

Don't answer me.

James Kochalka - 'Honey I Sure Miss You' (Daniel Johnston cover)

Wil passed me a neatly folded sweatshirt before the movie began, "just in case you get cold later." He's such a sweetheart - glad he's a brother. (Tee hee!)

It reminded me about that first movie with Pumpkin.

Transformers was pretty fucking awesome. I was so tensed my back seized up a little. Could only clutch at Wil's (neatly folded) sweatshirt as nobody's hand was available. =(

Where's Pumpkin? I need to clutch at someone's hand and someone needs to shield my eyes.

=...(

My Chemical Romance - 'Teenagers'

Album: The Black Parade

It's late Sunday afternoon. My newest baby is nearly 72 hours old, and, officially, she has already beat Fern in subterfuge. (Fern lasted less than 24 hours.)

But I'm already getting over-antsy and wish I'd be found out soon. I should've been found out by now.

On the other hand, I'm a coward, I don't want the blow-out I know will follow; and I don't have any lies or excuses worked out, even now.

Am stuck between a rock and a bloody hard place, and I'd put myself there ...

=(

REM - 'Everybody Hurts'

Album: Automatic For The People

Maybe it's because I thought he not only looked boyish but also is boyish that when he asked me, "Did it hurt?", he just seemed so darn heartbreakingly sweet.

I told him 'not really' then mumbled something about it hurting more when you could actually see the needle puncturing your skin at high velocity than when you couldn't.

The truth was: It never did hurt as much as my heart when I thought what I thought.

Later, I would describe it to Affy and Germ as, "It doesn't hurt as much as a broken heart."

I guess nothing will.

Goldfrapp - 'Number 1'

Album: Supernature

I danced in the shower!

Nothing much, just a couple of body-isolation movements, really; moved without really thinking. I think I'm ready to dance again. So nice to dance with the shower running, joy joy joy to dance with water!

Tomorrow, the shit hits the fan.

And I was the one who'd flung it.

'Tis okay: I'm dancing again.

=)

Wilson Philips - 'Hold On'

Album: Wilson Philips

I know there is pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside

Someday somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you gonna let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

OMG. Nicole ... =|

Gah! Nicole!

He's still lip-synching and dancing with his boa in my head!

Wilson Philips - 'Hold On'

Album: Wilson Philips

First stop was Alecs'. After I left, he called to tell me I'd left my T.S. Eliot Collected Poems behind. =/ The last time around, I'd left a copy of Chaucer's Sexual Poetics at Stege. I always seem to be leaving good books behind ...

Then was off to Happy Endings: Asian Boys Vol. 3. It was a fan-fucking-tabulous play ... except after the interval, there are parts that seemed to be preaching to the choir, so to speak. Bought a copy of Peculiar Chris (my adolescent fairytale-bible) and had it autographed by the author. =)

Am still miffed that there are no fairytales for little gay girls to look forward to in Singapore. It doesn't matter whether you're gay or not, it's the little boys who get everything, it seems ...

=(

रवि राग्स खोते - 'Pretty Woman'

Album: कल हो ना हो OST

कौन है वो अनजानी
वो है कोई काली या कोई किरण
या है कोई कहानी
उससे जितना देखूं उतना सोचूँ
क्या उससे मैं कहे दूं

Rickie Lee Jones - 'Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying'

Album: Flying Cowboys

The aches never really went away; am bruised for good.

Since I don't want to ache, I've rerouted my mind a little. Seems to work: All thoughts are beginning to be directed to something more concrete, more now.

But I'll allow myself this little grouse: I miss being treated like a princess.

Oh where have those days gone?

=(

Amy Winehouse - 'You Know I'm No Good'

Album: Back To Black

Suddenly, earworm is gone, and air rushes in to fill the vacuum. The static of white noise.

It's always a little strange after you emerged from a deep sea dive. Need to get your land legs first.

Waking up has been disorienting.

Perhaps I'd overslept.

Dolores O'Riordan - 'Human Spirit'

Album: Are You Listening?

I've no story to tell.

=(

Tummy still queasy.

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

The chariots
They rise up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him

Gaah! Insidious, persistent earworm!

=/

Evanescence - 'Call Me When You're Sober'

Album: The Open Door

"That person you were talking about - is it Wil?"

Gaah. Wil - whatthefuck? - Wil?! No, it is not Wil!

This is why I don't like talking to people about my puzzles: they assume too fucking much; more to that, they follow their fucking train of assumptions to a possibly logical but completely incorrect end.

At that very moment, lacking a wall and the energy to move my body, I thought: I need a Harvey fucking Wallbanger.

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

One cherry from Jen, one from my Appletini, and the bartender gave me three more arranged on a lovely bed of Blue Curacao-ed crushed ice out of the blue.

I got sober before we got into the cab.

Head pounding now. Sober, but with no cognitive abilities.

Yet, it seems almost laughable now - never mind a Gordian one, what knot? I prolly tied that knot in my head and imagined it there. It was never there in the first place.

Head pounding.



What a fool am I ...

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

There's no one I can talk to, no one I can tell.

But it's just so incredibly stupid to expect someone to understand when I myself don't.

I want to close my eyes and sleep, I feel like killing myself.

I could scream.

But I won't.

Something's gotta give. Soon.

Kick! - 'Jane'

Happiness: Reese's Peanutbutter Cups.

Headache: flexibility and compromise - the same thing?

I know what I want, and can honestly say I've put in the effort (not to mention the legwork) - so why am I not closer to my Grail?

Am I not trying hard enough?

Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'

Album: Secretary OST

I went to the other side of the island today, and failed miserably thrice. Denied three times in my quest.

So, so, so tired.

I won't give up. (And I have Plans B and C.)

सोनू निगम - 'जब जब दिल मिले'

Album: सिलसिले OST

Today's horoscope (one of them, anyway) says:

Loving someone also means knowing when to let go. So part of you may want to keep the situation status quo, but deep down you know that's just not feasible or healthy for either of you in the long run.

That's just the saddest horoscope I've come across in a while.

What's wrong with maintaining status quo? =(

Roy Orbison & k.d. lang - 'Crying'

Album: Roy Orbison - King of Hearts

Right now, I'm terrified almost to the point of tears: what if I can't ever dance again?

=...(

Feels like someone shat all over my life and now it stinks. Nothing is going right, everything is wrong.

Am feeling so wretched I wish someone'd pick me up and hold me and tell me everything will be okay, everything will be okay, promise.

=(

Primitive Radio Gods - 'Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand'

Album: Rocket

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

Am not sure, but I think ... you've turned away and shut up tight.

You're right, of course - there are things about which you're never wrong.

You'd spoken; once, twice, so many times before. I'm the one who needs to learn to speak.

I'd thought that a picture bespeaks a thousand words and that action speaks louder; there are things about which I'm never right.



But I still can't keep from hoping ...

नज़िया हस्सन - 'आप जैसा कोई'

Album: क़ुरबानी OST (1981)

You.

I know, but I'm letting you think that I don't. Or, perhaps, you know that I know and are letting me think that you don't.

Which is it? Am I getting my second chance, or was my first chance never destroyed by my own doing in the first place?

Or had it been destroyed, and all I have now is wishful thinking on my part?

"आप जैसी कोई मेरी ज़िंदगी में आई ..."

श्रेय घोसल - 'सिलसिला ये चाहत का'

Album: देवदास OST (2002)

Walking home from the bus-stop, all of a sudden, inexplicably, I felt cocooned in the old fuzzy and warm sweater of happiness.

'कहे छेड़ मोहे' was the atmosphere in my universe that was sheltered by my deliciously red brolly; lip-synching to the song, my steps jaunty, I was only vaguely reminded of rainy nights in Welly.

In the midst of a lonely trek in the arid desert, the taste of unadulterated happiness is nectar.

Melissa Etheridge - 'Come To My Window'

Album: Yes I Am

Am setting off on my quest tomorrow, alone, to Corbenic. Will I fail by a gasp, like Peredyr Arueu Dur; or will I succeed, like the pious Galahad?

Does it matter that I'm not doing it for me?


(Will also get a consultation for the next tattoo ... if I'm not completely put off by the dodginess of the joint.)

Tricky - 'Hell Is Round The Corner'

Album: Tricky: A Ruff Guide

'Round the corner' means this Friday for some people.

My own hell is perhaps a little farther down the street.

Being in HR kinda sucks. I feel like I work for the Angel of Death - or Death. Death wields the scythe while I hold the basket into which heads roll.

Worse: everything is "highly confidential", meaning I can't tell anybody, and I just gotta.

I feel so alone and crummy ...

=(

Nellie McKay with k.d. lang - 'We Got It Right'

Album: Pretty Little Head

Affirmations.

Maybe I need to start doing those, like fifteen times a day. That's fifteen times per affirmation.

Wonder if I could be arsed to do that, and for how long I could be arsed to do it.

कुनाल गंजवाला - 'तू' (Version A)

Album: Mumbai Matinee

I no longer trust my intuition when it comes to people who attract me (on any level); not the least after Charles' ENGL 114 tutorial on which he touched on 'stalker mentality'.

Am such a prime candidate when it comes to stalker mentality ... =(

Tracy Chapman - 'Give Me One Reason'

Album: New Beginning

Are we all living like this? Two lives, the ideal outer life and the inner imaginative life where we keep our secrets?



Winterson, Jeanette. Sexing The Cherry. London: Vintage, 1990.

सुनिधि चौहान - 'जिस्म'

Album: वैसा भी होता है Part II

As Hege said: We've learned a full four-minute choreography!!

If I were prettier of face, and sexier of figure, I'd be working at the Mermaid (or, a classier joint down Vivian, as Chih'd recommended) for my tuition fees and living expenses.

I'd be back in Welly ...

Frankie Chan & Roel A. Garcia - 'First Love (Young Lover Blues #1)'

Album: 墮落天使 OST

I hate it when my horoscope dangles a tantalizing piece of hope in front of me and doesn't follow through.

Where's my meeting with the 100% Perfect Girl for me? Where's my fucking falling in love at first sight?

... Bloody cards. You're all of you blank! Duds!

=/

Bernadette Peters - 'Being Alive'

Album: Sondheim, Etc.: Bernadette Peters Live at Carnegie Hall

When I left England I thought I was running away. Running away from uncertainty and confusion but most of all running away from myself. I thought I might become someone else in time, grafted on to something better and stronger. And then I saw that the running away was a running towards. An effort to catch up with my fleet-footed self, living another life in a different way.



Winterson, Jeanette. Sexing The Cherry. London: Vintage, 1990.

कैलाश खेर - 'अल्लाह के बंधे'

Album: वैसा भी होता है Part II

Got this wood box puzzle on Sunday; measures about 4" X 2.5" X 1", and appears to have no visible openings or locking mechanism. There's something inside the box rattling it.

Trying to figure out how to open it, I thought about how the box was like my heart, and the unseen, unknown object in it, me.

When I finally manage to open it and get a glimpse of what is in there, I'll close it.

And give it to someone to puzzle over.

I hope that someone won't give up until the box is opened.

Shudder To Think with Nina Persson - 'Appalachian Lullaby'

Album: First Love, Last Rites

Don't know why, but it's getting harder and harder to wake these mornings.

A lot of things, I guess they're born psychosomatically.

I need ... something. Something. Nearly desperately.

And it's not just sleep.

सोनू निगम और श्रेया घोसल - 'धीरे जलना'

Album: पहेली OST (2005)

First thing I'd heard in my head this morning:

धीरे जलना धीरे जलना धीरे जलना
ज़िंदगी की लौ पे जलना
धीरे जलना धीरे जलना धीरे जलना
ज़िंदगी की लौ पे जलना
कांच का सपना गल ही ना जाए
सोच समझके आंच रखना
धीरे जलना धीरे जलना धीरे जलना
धीरे धीरे धीरे धीरे धीरे जलना
होना है जो होना है वोह
होने से रुकता नहीं
आसमान तो झुकता नहीं

(Burn slowly ...
  Burn in the flame of life
  Burn slowly ...
  Burn in the flame of life
  Your fragile dream might melt
  Think carefully before nursing the flame
  Burn slowly ...
  Slowly, slowly ... burn
  What has to happen, will happen
  It won't stop from happening
  just as the sky doesn't lower to the earth

Translation from BollyWHAT)

ABBA - 'Dancing Queen'

Album: Greatest Hits

One should own at least one video of a heartwarming story with drag queens as protagonists.

.
.
.

I'm afraid that, not-too-deep-down, I'm really, really, a drag queen at heart.

वसुदारा दास और काय काय - 'चले जैसे हवाईएँ'

Album: मैं हूँ ना OST

Felt the train of my existence come to a grinding halt today - the squealing protests of the wheels on the tracks, the barely-felt inertia because the train was going really slow anyway.

One thought: one revelation.

But I've forgotten it now.

So the train slowly chugs on. In complete ignorance ... but not bliss.

कविता सुब्रमण्यम और उदित नारायण - 'चलो चले पुरवा'

Album: नायक OST

Yesterday, I missed cuddling.

Today, I missed 'accidental' butterfly kisses on my neck - you know, when you're cuddling that someone, their cheek on your collarbone, and they blink.



I must be PMS-ing.

Tricky - 'Aftermath'

Album:

Then. Then what? Then what happened? What can I say? I like being on my own better than I like anything else, but I can't give up love. Maybe it's the tension between longing and aloneness that I need. My own funicular railway, holding in balance the two things most likely to destroy me.



Winterson, Jeanette. The PowerBook. Great Britain: Jonathan Cape, 2000.

Holly Golightly & The Brokeoffs - 'Jesus Don't Love Me'

Album: You Can't Buy A Gun When You're Crying

Night of one part wonder, two parts coincidence. Sweet ass.



Am resisting and desisting: Hello there Mr. Button, have you met Ms. Finger?

Tee hee hee!