Sick Day

So .. joy. My 'pop' in the chest during aerial yoga on Sunday manifested in pain just about dinner last night with circus/pole friends (especially two who just happened to be in town at the same time). It was so bad that I could only breathe very shallowly (which caused breathlessness) and couldn't cough, laugh, sneeze, etc.

Anyway, this gave me a sick day today. (Doc said the pulled pectoral muscle took a couple of days to inflame ... joy.)

Started the day with Dasvidanya which is sweet. Didn't have to cry because I didn't have to watch Amar die. The movie really just drove home the point that I must start living ... who knows how many years I have left?

Followed that with the two masala rom-coms I bought last year — Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani and Love Aaj Kal. The morals of both these movies are the same: you never leave a girl like Deepika Padukone; you'll always want to be back in her life. And why not? She's smart, talented, compassionate, and pretty.

Can't remember why I bought Jaawani in the first place. I should have liked it more since I like most of the cast and they're mostly very competent actors, but I think it's kinda a dumb movie. But it was fun during the show to go, "Hey, Evelyn Sharma and Nitin (i.e. Kunaal Roy Kapur) were in Nautanki Saala together!" / "Hey, Menaka and Nitin from Delhi Belly (pity they didn't share scenes; I've always thought Menaka and Nitin together would be like a house on fire)!", etc.

Love is a similarly dumb movie. It's not the fault of the scriptwriters; it's prolly the genre's fault. I do like rom-coms, but I guess they can't all be like 10 Things I Hate About You, Clueless, Easy A, or Scott Pilgrim vs The World.

Last movie of the day was The Film Emotional Atyachar (Vinay Pathak+Ranvir Shorey again!). It might've taken me three days (not consecutively) to finish watching this because it wasn't very engaging. I think the fact that Kalki Koechlin was in it made me finish watching. The denouement was a bit ... I dunno, like Raajneeti, I suppose. The body count just kept going up; the ones who didn't die you don't particularly root for either because they aren't sympathetic characters.

So many movies, so little time. Fuck, this is a terrible habit/compulsion I've developed ...

Saheb aur Biwi ROCK

Off work today, so after I went to the doctor's to learn of my second blood test results (still way bad, but at least 50% better than the first time) and have my pulse taken yet again (still too fast), I headed to Little India.

Spent hours browsing the selection at Mustafa, I only bought Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster at the same shop I got Wake Up Sid and Tanu Weds Manu. I'm 90% sure the copy I bought is an original this time and I'm glad, because they have older titles I've never been able to find at Mustafa's (like, A Wednesday!, Break Ke Baad, Straight, etc.).

I feel like such a model of restraint. One DVD only!

Watched Saheb as soon as I got home. IT WAS GOOD (and so was the music). And kinda sexy too because like most women I'm a sucker for a man in power like the Saheb.

Has the back story to the first wife's suicide ever been told, or why he and Madhavi are married at all? I thought Madhavi would be less unhinged in this first story, but no ... she's already in her downward spiral here.

Is it weird that I like these two movies because they made me slightly anxious the whole time I was watching them? Anxious because I know something bad would happen, but I don't know when or how it will happen.

I was so tightly wound up at the scene where Madhavi thought it was the Saheb at the door and confessed her affair with Babloo when it was in fact Babloo at the door. I paused it so many times before I could actually watch Madhavi get to the door, never mind her confession.

Maybe my liking for the Saheb movies is like how people get attracted to the person they are with during times of high stress and anxiety. Never thought I'd feel this way, but the anxiety I had while watching the movie is kinda addictive. As soon as the movie ended, I was desperate to either rewatch it or follow it up with Saheb ... Returns.

But no, I didn't. Instead, I watched I Am (yes! Finally found a copy at Mustafa!) and Mithya. I like both films, I think.

I Am is less 'heavy' than I'd expected, but the 'Omar' story made me sad. Fuck that Penal Code 377; I wish they'd get rid of 377A here too. Again, just because something is made legal doesn't mean you have to do it, but that also means just because you don't want to do it you have to make sure everybody else not does it. THAT'S JUST SELFISH.

The 'Megha' story is a little educational for me too since I really had zero clue about the forced exodus of Kashmiri Pandits. Why can't we be happy with what we have and all just try to fucking get along? =(

Mithya is fairly entertaining. I'm just sad that VK and Sonam didn't get a happy ending (it was a little funny that VK died because the Sahay family needed a complete corpse for closure — but I'd rather have a happy ending).

It seems to me like these 'indie' flicks (yeah, I know they're not really independent but I don't know what they're called) seem to star a lot of the same faces — or is it just the ones I've seen? Actors(-writers/directors) like Ranvir Shorey, Vinay Pathak, Rajat Kapoor, Sanjay Mishra, Saurabh Shukla, Gul Panag, Arjun Mathur, etc. seem to work together on many projects. Are they all in the same theater troupe or something?

In any case, the movies they do are a breath of fresh air to the glitzy gaudiness of 'Bollywood' and thankfully not as dark and heavy as the Anurag Kashyap and (previously) RGV, etc. flicks.

Anyway, not a bad way to spend a Monday at all!

Lunacy

So the time of lunacy is once again upon us. Well, this year, at least, it came with a four-day weekend but I didn't manage to watch many flicks as I think I should have. What I did watch:

• Boss
  I watched this because it was the only Hindi movie on the free-to-view channel. It a dumb show but then I already expected that. Still, Boss has it highlights — like Akshay Kumar (still one of the most beautiful men in Hindi films; still excellent in action comedies but I do wish he'd choose his films with a little more discrimination), Ronit Roy (yeah, I found the ink ugly ass, but still — swoon!), and the best bit: the fight between these two men. Man, ACP Ayushman Thakur's pants are snug and what a nice ass that man has! That fight scene (with wet shirts and all!) is such a treat. MOAR PLZ! (Can Mr Khiladi do splits? I'd love to see that too!)
• Barah Aana
  Bought this and Sadda Adda on Wed after work since it was a half-day. It's an okay film — can't fault the actors, the main cast is very good — but I feel the script could've been a lot better. I'm not sure if I understood the ending correctly. Did Yadav and Aman get away with the final kidnap because Yadav told the police about the crime, both his accomplices' names, AND ask to be let off? I get that Shukla can't be charged because he is for all legal purposes dead and you can't charge a dead man? I need to rewatch this.
• Sadda Adda
  To be very honest, I bought this because I do like slacker flicks (and yet I still haven't watched Slacker) and thought this would be similar to Delhi Belly but without the shits, farts, and crime. Well, I was wrong. I thought the acting is decent even though not a single face is familiar. Did the Safai character only serve to make a point? It's too easy to say not to give up on your dreams, but to brush away suicide as giving up? Can you be any more insensitive?
• Raajneeti
  I would never have bought this; it just happened to come with the Sadda Adda DVD but I watched it anyway. I've never liked political films (unless Nayak counts?) and this one is quite a pointless watch. Pointless as in the Pyrrhic victory at the end. Why did Brij Gopal let spur Samar on in killing Sooraj even though Brij knew they were half-brothers? Why did the mother not ask Samar to please not shoot Sooraj and where was when the end of the movie was taking place? The problem with Raajneeti (well, one of the problems, at least) is that there are too many characters and every now and then, as I watched the movie, I wondered where the other characters were. And the characters prolly have no fucking idea what "pure heart" means. Stop calling each other that! With the exception of poor old Sarah and Indu, every single fucking one of you have blood on your hands. Plus point: well, at least I don't dislike Katrina Kaif now and her acting doesn't nauseate me. She also looks really great with Arjun Rampal (even though the man looks a bit wan ... like a druggie; but still beautiful). The both of them are as beautiful as each other, and share the same amount of acting abilities. Manoj Bajpayee and Nana Patekar are both terrifying. Honestly, they scare me when they play evil bitches. Hell, Nana Patekar scares me just by his being ...
• Jhootha Hi Sahi
  This I watched today after aerial yoga (thanks, MyStarMovies!). It's a sweet and funny enough movie and I quite like it. The Wiki page says it's the second in a trilogy so I do look forward to the final film, Mango(?). I adore the Aaliya and Sushi characters (yay, it's Aliya from Chak De!!) and am very glad the Amit and Uday characters are neither flamboyant nor swish. The name of the bookshop though — Kaagaz Ke Phool — LOL! It's a fucking awesome name for a bookshop! (Well, as long as its owner doesn't die a tragically unfulfilled death.) I'd watch this over Raajneeti any day.

Tashi Is A Dick

Nowadays I usually watch Delhi Belly starting from the scene in which Nitin delicately adorns with a flower the corpse he's photographing. To be honest, I just watch the bits Nitin is in — I just adore Nitin more and more!

On the other hand, the more I rewatch the movie, the more I think Tashi is a dick to Nitin. Like when Nitin says he has work to do (i.e. photography for blackmail), Tashi just drops the package in Nitin's scooter basket and stuff the scrap on which the address is written into Nitin's pocket.

Also, I just realized during yesterday's rewatch that Nitin actually doesn't smoke at all in the movie (though I could be wrong). In the last bit of the movie wherein the three dudes are hanging out at the flat's balcony, the cigarette between Nitin's fingers never goes anywhere near his lips; all he does is just take swigs from one of the two bottles in his hands.

GOOD. I hope at least he is a non-smoker and not an silent secondhand asshole murderer.

I was reading through the cast list yesterday and found out that the actor playing Mr Maharaj is called Neville. Neville LOL! And Tashi and Nitin share a birthday (Well, the actors playing them do)!

Oh lord, I really hope there's a sequel to Delhi Belly ... I'm beginning to know the dialogues by heart!

Weekend

When I was at Mustafa's on Friday, I'd bought Daawat-e-Ishq, Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster Returns, and I Am.

I'd intended to buy and watch Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster before getting its sequel but for so many months now couldn't find a copy at Mustafa's. I've been waiting and waiting but kept getting told, "Out of stock!" I'm tired of waiting; more importantly, I think I'm in a crime movie phase.

Unfortunately, the Universe isn't cooperating nor having any of that. No Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster, no A Wednesday!.

I'm not fond of the Godfather-type sagas, but maybe I should watch the epic of the Gangs of Wasseypur. Thing is, I also want happy endings in crime stories. Is that too much to ask?

Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster Returns I like a lot!

Oh. My. Lord. Mahie Gill. Apparently, I have a hitherto unknown attraction to not only sad women, but also slightly unhinged ones. She played the titular biwi so awesomely. Why haven't I seen her in more movies? (According to her filmography in Wikipedia, she was in an item number in Mirch, which I watched but had — as I am wont — ignored the item number. WTF was she doing in the shitty Dabanggs?!)

I'm building up to a desperation level almost equal to the time I was looking for Delhi Belly. Hope I won't have to head back to the overpriced shop for Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster ...

Also hoping for Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster to be at the very least a trilogy — the third one with Vijay Raaz and/or Nawazuddin Siddiqui. I mean, I believe Ranjhana's love for Aditya is true so I'm dying to find out how the ostensible love triangle will resolve.

But I won't lie: during the 'Idhar Gire' song, Madhavi and Ranjhana looked so good together, I was wishing really hard for them to fall madly in love. Don't they look so good together?

And that slightly bemused and lingering look Ranjhana directed at Madhavi as Madhavi walked away. Sitting on Aditya's lap, she only had eyes for Madhavi ... Yeah, I'd watch the hell out of such a twist in the tale. (Maybe for the third installment? I mean, I'd think Aditya would've been put away for at least a few years, and Madhavi seemed to have stepped into his shoes — politically — at the end of Saheb Biwi Aur Gangster Returns so why would she not take over his role as Ranjhana's spouse?)

LOL V.D.

Saw a tweet today which pointed out that Valentine's Day has the same initials as the other thing that "V.D." is more known as ...

And Vasantham decided to screen ... Shaadi Ke Side Effects. LOL your programming is hilarious and slyly subversive!

I watched Shaadi but it didn't help me figure out why straight people marry and breed. I actually like Pyaar Ke Side Effects quite a bit, but however much I adore Vidya and think she and Farhan Akhtar look so cute together, I like Shaadi less than I perhaps should. (Pyaar > Shaadi!)

I found the acting and the music both decent and likeable; guess it's just the story that didn't do much for me. I guess its premise is too 'grown up' for me for something.

But, yeah, thanks for scheduling a movie on V.D. that validates and strengthens the commitment-phobes' collective resolve to never marry.

This is truly a great public service for us all!

Type-e-Ishq

I found a couple of unfavorable reviews for Daawat-e-Ishq and both said something about how the romance between Gullu and Taru is unrealistic because it took place over three days. I suppose they could be right; I mean, it is wholly believable that that two people could fall in love in three days, but perhaps not as realistic that they decide to marry within/after a week of meeting. Then again, stranger things have happened.

For viewers like me, because I found the two leads so lovable, it easy to accept Gullu's and Taru's relationship (and subsequent marriage). Of course, I'd have loved to have the courtship/getting-to-know-you bit stretch a little longer. In fact, I wish the script had sacrificed the Amju-Gullu thing in favor of Taru-Gullu. Like, I didn't need to know Amju and Gullu had been crushing on each other for a month, how they appear to be diametrically different people (veggie vs non-veg). I would prefer to have more Taru-Gullu conversations.

Anyway, I still like Daawat and 'Mannat' has become my earworm du jour. (It's the somewhat incantatory nature of the chorus, I think, that I like so much.)

What's not to love about the movie, really? Besides really adorable leads, Lucknow tourism and food porn, and music, there's a whole lotta kohl. Dude wore guy-liner the whole time — even when Pari's character wasn't wearing any! Eye-liner/kohl is totally my favorite thing to see on both genders.

One other thing I love about Daawat: the title typeface. God, I've always been a sucker for ball (and teardrop) terminals and there are some fucking gorgeous beauties in the titles:

It looks similar to Elephant but with customized swashes. (I actually don't think this typeface was customized for Daawat; I seem to recall seeing a typeface like this before).

WHAT IS THIS TYPEFACE — I HAVE TO KNOW!

(>_<)

So, today, another blood letting, another set of pills, and a day off work. Can't complain!

Finished Happy Ending this morning. I don't know what to think about this movie. Maybe a list will help:

Plus Side

• It's kinda interesting — the title-over of scenes; I'll like to see that used in other films
• Saif Ali Khan as the slobby schlubby The Dude-ish alter-ego — what can I say, I adore the Nitin-types. I would love to fill my life with at least one such guy so I'll always have someone to binge-watch movies and binge on junk food. And it'll always be the films I want to watch because he's too fucking lazy to fight my selection. What a perfect platonic life-mate!
• Kalki Koechlin!
• Laughs — I did get a few laughs in, although I'm not sure the laughs came where they were supposed to.

Down Side

• Casting — yeah, not sure Ileana d'Cruz was the right choice. I'd think maybe Kareena should be in that role but I'm afraid she'd've overdone it like she did in Jab We Met.
• A somewhat meta-story/story of a story of a story? Yeah ... No. I still cringe when I read back at my old stuff in which I employed what I now think is a rather lazy narrative structure.
• Govinda. UGH. No. Not even if he's parodying a has-been movie star. NO. Because Govinda.
• The story itself is a little weak, I think. Can't rom-coms be smarter? Maybe the scriptwriters should look to Shakespeare (10 Thing I Hate About You <3), Austen (Clueless; can't comment on Aisha since I've yet to watch it), or other classic stories (Easy A).

After Happy Ending, I decided I wanted something less ditzy, so I started watching Ek Villain because I thought it has garnered good reviews.

Yeah ... No. My bad.

First off, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS CIVILIZED AND DECENT, PUT A FUCKING WARNING IN THE OPENING TITLES IF KR-BLOODY-K IS THE DAMN SHOW. He is pestilence. I'd rather watch Vijay Raaz pour out Nitin's stool sample on a continuous loop than that fuckwit KRK in any scene, however short.

Two: Sidharth Malhotra. First time I saw him, it was in Hasee Toh Phasee. I didn't know who the leads were but fell in love with Parineeti Chopra straightaway. The male lead I hardly registered because he was hardly noticeable. Then I read a review which praised his "understated" performance and I was like, okay, maybe his character isn't a very flashy one. (And tbh, when Pari is on, she really just grabs my eyeballs and attention.)

Then I saw him again in that dumbass SOTY. Because I was so appalled by the amount of pecs and biceps flaunted and the lack of a homoerotic storyline between the two male leads, I didn't pay any attention to the acting. (I mean, it's really hard to watch the flick fully when I kept having to roll my eyes.)

Now Ek Villain. I can confirm that Sid Malhotra as an actor is about as emotive as a kettle.

Thirdly, Shraddha Kapoor had very little screen time. I don't know why I find MPDGs in Indian movies so ... exaggerated. Aisha is a bit of a MPDG and I could only tolerate it because she's easy on the eyes and had very few scenes (and a lot less shrill than Bebo as Geet).

The plot, acting by the lead, and KRK combined is making it a struggle for me to continue with the film. In fact, thanks to them, I'm now watching the original from which Villain was copied — I Saw The Devil (which, being a Korean revenge flick, is scarring me psychologically).

If Villain is remaking Devil, then the former made very. very, very, very fucking poor use of good materials. I mean, when Aisha died (I watched until the 56 min mark, having forwarded through the songs), I was too busy wondering why she had lived long enough to be killed by Rakesh to feel any sympathy for Guru. Didn't she say right at the beginning that she was dying (as a lazy way to explain the MPDG-ness of her character, because of course all dying people are immensely perky and cheery)? What was she dying of?

Also, let's face it: Sid doesn't do forcibly repressed emotions and clenched jaws anywhere as well as Lee Byung-hun in Devil. Hell, I'm rooting for Soo-hyun. In fact, I'm hoping Devil ends with the villain with amputated hands, legs, and tongue. Also, I was mightily impressed by Soo-hyun's cutting of Kyung-chul's Achilles tendon.

I wonder if I should finish Villain even if I have to hate-watch the rest of it. I suppose it'll make a good mental cleanser after the gore-rific Devil since Villain is so bland. (Oh lord, this is going to be like that time I watched Ichi the Killer in the uni library and then was terrified when walking home at sunset.)

Aww

Even though I was in Little India yesterday (with Geeta, at our regular, eating our regular) and visited Mustafa, I didn't buy any DVDs — I couldn't find A Wednesday! and couldn't think of what else to buy — which felt weird. Weird because it's become a habit for me to savor my new DVDs as I have my lunch after Sunday aerial yoga class. It's such a treat.

So I was completely lost today because I didn't know what to watch.

Finally settled on Daawat-e-Ishq (streamed, thank you anonymous uploader) which I'd been meaning to buy ... except I realize I make very poor choices when it comes to rom-com, resulting in my buying things like Yeh Jaawani Hai Deewani, Love Aaj Kal, and Teri Meri Kahani (I have still yet to unwrap the former two).

But Daawat-e-Ishq: awww. It' so sweet! I wonder why it's a flop at the box office. Is it the somewhat preachy tone at the start of the movie, or the slightly weak ending? Parineeti and Aditya Roy Kapur are so cute together, but then again Pari looks great with all her male co-stars so far (unlike Ileana d'Cruz whom I've found to not look compatible with any of her male co-stars in the two and a half movies I've watched of hers: Barfi!, Main Tera Hero, and Happy Ending).

For a movie with younger actors, I was surprised there was no kiss. I found the lack of at least one kiss at the denouement a little odd. Surely after saving each other from thugs, apologizing, forgiving, confessing your true love's passion, and finding your love reciprocated, a kiss wouldn't be amiss? (Does Aditya have a no-kiss clause? 'Cuz Pari definitely doesn't.)

Daawat-e-Ishq has a decent story — better than Main Tera Hero or SO-fucking-TY — and a likable and wholly competent main cast. The music is also decent, and, hello, FOOD PORN. On top of all that, it's at least a little educational, no? Teaching women about section 498A, letting everybody know women are fucking trash that can only be accepted if money is given, nor are men chattel to be auctioned off to the highest offer.

Hell yeah I'm definitely buying this the next time I'm at Mustafa!

(The word daawat is also the name of one of my favorite Indian eating places in Welly. One year, my girl friends arranged a surprise birthday dinner for me there and gifted me a gorgeous bag from Trade Aid with pretty embroidery and Rajasthani mirror work. So, yeah, I guess the word daawat has only very positive connotations for me.)

Reads & Flicks of the Month: January

Sadly, just finished one book (a short one, really) which I started last December or even before: The Daydreamer by Ian McEwan.

Flicks of the month:

• Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na
• Salaam-e-Ishq
• Badmaa$h Company
• Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana
• Raat Gayi, Baat Gayi?
• Ishqiya
• Dedh Ishqiya
• Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania
• Jodi Breaker
• Finding Fanny
• Cheeni Kum
• Straight
• 7 Khoon Maaf
• Fashion
• Student of the Year
• Chennai Express
• Fatso!
• Teri Meri Kahani
• Kahaani
• Mardaani
• Main Tera Hero
• Nautanki Saala
• (Kick — actually, I fast-forwarded a lot because I was watching this for Nawazuddin Siddiqui)

I also watched the AIB Roast — I waited for it the entire day then watched it way past my bed time even though it was a work day the next day. I laughed a lot; I also thought a lot of the jokes were going for the lowest common denominator, but that's not actually offensive. The fact that K.Jo joined in on the gay jokes about himself raised my opinion of him — this I blame on AIB. I'm just really sorry they got into trouble for making people laugh and raising money for charity.

Who could've anticipated that good things could be deemed so bad, that there were so many nincompoops in the world?

Anyway, I waited again for 'I Am Offended' yesterday (or was it Wednesday?) and watched it way, way, way past bed time. It's worth it. I think everybody should watch it, regardless of whether or not they know who the folks in the video are; whether or not they are from/in India.

Because, for me, it is ultimately about how we can't have nice things because of selfish and ignorant and insecure assholes who make fucking loud stinks.

I mean, holy shit, nobody's putting a gun up your ass to force you to watch something on YouTube or get gay-married or whatever. Just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean you stop others from doing it, especially if whatever the others are doing isn't murdering, raping, maiming, robbing (etc.) anybody.

ARGH. SO. INFURIATING.

Weekend

Ek Tha Tiger the Hindi film on the free-to-view channel yesterday, so of course I headed to Mustafa again to buy DVDs and medjool dates before meeting Auntie Al, her client, and her girlfriend for dinner. I bought Dil Kabaddi, Special 26, and Mirch.

After I came home from aerial yoga today, I watched Dil Kabaddi. Since I haven't watched Husbands and Wives (and will never), I found Dil Kabaddi decent because I love the main cast. I didn't quite get the couple played by Rahul Bose and Konkana Sen Sharma, but I understood how problems came to be in relationships. Had I watched this film earlier in my life, I would've felt validated in my staunch belief in never ever getting (hetero) married for love. For anything else — economic, financial, legal reasons etc. — yes, go ahead and have your marriage of convenience.

The casting is lovely — Irrfan Khan, Rahul Bose, Konkana, Soha Ali Khan, and Rahul Khanna — I never thought I would be able to catch Irrfan, Rahul B., and Konkana together in a movie that won't make me cry and my heart ache! This is also the first time I saw Soha Ali Khan in a movie and I think she's a rather decent actor.

Anyway, 6.5/10 from me for Dil Kabaddi! (Can I please see Monty and Shruti again in another comedy?)

Next thing I watched was Special 26.

THANK GOODNESS I only took a glance through the sea of text that is its Wiki synopsis. I was on tenterhooks for second half of the film, wishing so hard there would be an ending that didn't consist of a poor girl waiting pointlessly at the airport and everybody else in jail. THANK YOU SCRIPTWRITER-DIRECTOR! (Mental note: Neeraj Pandey's other films to be on must-watch list.)

Special 26 is the Ocean's Eleven of Hindi cinema. Forget all the other shitty "(loosely) based on" ripoffs. Special 26 had as much cojones and kept me wondering how the hell they would get out of the situation with the loot. Hell yeah, Akshay Kumar made a great mastermind figure. AWESOME FILM! 8/10!

Currently rewatching Special 26. Less stressful because I now know I can expect a happy ending!

Weekend of Female Vengeance

One of my favorite genre of movies is the one where a wronged woman gets her revenge, served cold but deliciously punchy. For that reason, I only rewatch Ek Hasina Thi when Urmila's character starts toughening up, first by beating the shit out of her bully; then by fucking Karan over until she leaves him to the rats.

It's not really the schadenfreude I enjoy; it's watching women beating the ever-loving shit of out their attackers or whoever wronged them, get their revenge.

Yesterday, I finally saw Kahaani (which I bought on Friday). I'd put off watching it because I'd read the Wiki synopsis (spoilers and all), so I'd thought I'd not find the movie engaging. Boy, was I ever wrong ... (I only bought the DVD because I wanted to see Nawazuddin Siddiqui in a movie in which he has at least a supporting role; the kinda films in which he has a leading role are usually not my cuppa).

In fact, I found it very engrossing (despite Wiki's spoilers). Vidya Balan is just phenomenal in it. The three best things about Kahaani are: Vidya Balan, Nawaz (who was scary-intense; to watch Vidya calmly asserted herself, throwing his arrogant words back at him, was sweet as), and the sweet, shy Rana's crush on Vidya. My favorite scene is the rise of Durga in Vidya. The moment she opened her eyes and directed at Milan Damji a stare that burned with a thousand fires ...

... then proceeded to kick his fucking ass to hell. Yeah, asshole, you're fucking roadkill. That was when I tumbled over from mere admiration into devout worship of Vidya.

I mean, she stabbed him — twice! — with a fucking pencil. Who does that?! I love watching women kick ass, and Vidya did so with particular style. (That is prolly the scene I'll keep rewatching in days to come! I've already rewatched the entire film once today!)

And thank you for the sweet, sweet irony of a contract killer with a life insurance agent cover! Bob Biswas's unholy crossing of himself (with throat-slash motion) was also quite inspired. (The one aspect Kahaani failed in was everything that has do with computers and 'hacking' — couldn've been done better. Did the writers/director not have a consultant for this?)

So, after rewatching Kahaani today, after my Nautanki Saala (just bought on Friday, with Kahaani) failed to work, and I'd thrown a fit, I went in search of something that isn't an insipid love story ... Found Mardaani.

Mardaani I also avoided watching (even though I adore Rani Mukherji and read good reviews of the film) because I can't stand watching children get sex-trafficked and harmed in any way. But, today, watched it I did.

I like Rani in it; the film, on the other hand, is still a little too masala for the direction it tried to go. It was a little hard for me to completely believe Rani's character was able to physically kick ass because her face is so sweet and innocent. (By god, they gave her bangs and long hair for this — what?! Look, I'm not expected the tough-woman pixie cut nor G.I. Jane's crew cut, but bangs?! An easily grabbed long plait/ponytail?! The fuck ...)

But kick ass she did — and, by that part of the movie, I enjoyed the hell out of it (and also the fact that she wasn't afraid to hit below the belt). And hell yeah I enjoyed the girls venting their collective fury on the shithead. It was, for that moment, extremely cathartic (for me).

Because movies are vicarious for viewers, no?

Delhi Belly Prequel-Sequel: A Suggestion

Because I have yet to stop watching Delhi Belly (although I admittedly don't do it daily anymore), the more times I rewatch it, the more questions I have.

Like, why does the dudes' flat only get running water for two hours a day while their landlord's flat (below theirs) seems to have running water on demand?

Or, how did the two policemen, DIG Mohan Shrivistava and IG Phool Chand Jain, know which room everybody (Cowboy & gang, Tashi & gang, Sonia, and Vladmir) was squashed in and got the hotel staff to open the door to?

Anyway, those can be overlooked. Now, how about a prequel for a sequel?

How about a prequel that tells the story of:

• How the three dudes met and ended up living in such a crummy flat?
  My guess: Nitin and Tashi met at varsity and took pity on Arup after watching him get hazed. Since their professions have to do with newspapers, they might have shared a couple of classes as well. The crummy flat was in fact the least crummy of flats they viewed and could afford.
• How Tashi hooked up with Sonia?
  My guess: Tashi had to cover a stupid story (like what he had done with VJ Sophaya) in high society — maybe he interviewed Sonia's mom about her fucking stupid clock collection. Sonia made the first move and Tashi just went along because, hey hot chick who will bone me!, and also because he seems to be the kind that would go with, rather than against, the flow.
• How Nitin started using corpses as models and talked Leena into letting him photograph her johns for blackmailing purposes — and WHY?
  My guess: Maybe he's always had weird (and prolly socially-unacceptable) taste and was derided by his professors at varsity. When he graduated, prospective employers blanched at his portfolio. Left with no choice, Nitin attempted to hawk his photographs in the bazaar and was laughed out of town. Hanging out with Tashi one day he tagged along when Tashi got a call about a scoop. It was a particularly gruesome and bizarre murder and dismemberment but Nitin's aesthetics worked for him in this case and he managed to bagged a freelance position at Tashi's workplace.
  I like to think Nitin doesn't frequent brothels, so maybe Nitin was hired by an jealous wife (wife of his and Tashi's boss) to snap shots of her no-good philandering bastard of a husband who happens to be a frequent visitor at a brothel and Leena's number one customer. A one-off freelance gig turned into something more consistently lucrative ...
  OR Nitin was Leena's number one customer until he arrived too early for his 'appointment'. As he waited for his turn, he noticed, through Leena's never-closed windows that Tashi's boss was getting serviced ...
• How Cowboy come to import black market diamonds?
  My guess: Hm, I actually don't have a clue for this one, except that maybe his less-than-competent subordinates managed to inadvertently foil every single attempt by Cowboy to engage in gangsterism. Finally, Cowboy's dying grandfather (the biggest, baddest badass to ever badass) bequeathed his antique/handicraft shop and underworld business to Cowboy, with instructions to marry and produce an heir for the family business. So, basically, Cowboy took over gramps' business, managed to grow it despite his bumbling lackeys, and then had to start bride-shopping. He was besotted with Leena until he discovered she was his grampa's favorite prostitute ...

Shorts

Decided to rewatch The Lunchbox last night because IRRFAN KHAN + NAWAZUDDIN SIDDIQUI = AWESOME POSSUM!

These are two actors I admire greatly even though I can't bear to watch most of their films — often on account of how 'dark' and 'heavy' I perceive them to be. They both are so great at comedies though; I hope they get to work together on an intelligent and funny movie soon, something like Delhi Belly without the farts and shits.

OMG I would love to Khan and Siddiqui together with Vijay Raaz — that might just be TEH BEST CAST & SHOW EVAR!!!

Anyway, The Lunchbox reminded me that I actually haven't anything else of Siddiqui's works, the small role in Peepli Live and the even smaller blink-and-you-miss-it role in Munna Bhai MBBS notwithstanding. So I did a random search and found treasures!

'Bypass' (Irrfan Khan is in it too!) is one of my favorite types of narratives — full-circle (quite literally) and neat (in every sense of the word). I don't think I have read/watched many books/films that do the coming-full-circle thing well and not lazily or unimaginatively.

'Bypass' is the circle of life: you get what you give — or, in this case, you give what you take. I like 'Bypass' so much more than 'Mehfuz' in Shorts (which I found dark, depressing, and quite incomprehensible). The actors — Siddiqui, Khan, and Sundar Dan Detha especially — are all so expressive in this wordless short.

I also found '"OP" Stop Smelling Your Socks'. I've always found the idea of being unable to wake from dreams terrifying. Happily, this one is funny and not at all scary — it also puts on display Siddiqui's great potential in comedy!

'Salt 'N' Pepper' was decent (having not read the synopsis, this short certainly didn't go the way I thought it would from its first few scenes); 'Recycle Mind' I watched without subtitles but it was easy enough to figure out the story which was engaging enough.

I hope Siddiqui won't get typecast as the poor/violent type; I mean, he's already the face of Gareeb Aadmi on Twitter ...

DD-Fucking-LJ

I honestly do not get Hindi movie scriptwriters' fascination with DDLJ. Fuck, what is it about that movie that has so many people seemingly in love with it? Why do films insist on inserting references or even blatantly lifting dialogues, scenes, and riffs from that show? What makes DDLJ so fucking iconic?

I get so mad at the scriptwriter and director whenever that happens, even in "tributes", like in Chennai Express — the ending, not the train scene at the beginning which is actually a decent parody — OMG why did I ever decide to watch it? I even saw this clip in which Sapan Verma was talking about Chennai Express (which should've served as warning that Chennai Express is not worth your time, classist joke about halwais aside):

Anyway, there are two positives in Chennai Express:

• DIMPLES! I spent a lot of time watching SRK's and Deepika's dimples. Strangely, Deepika's dimples were the only pair I've ever seen that didn't make its wearer cute. No, hers made her very pretty. And she can act! Consider me a new fan!
• SAREES! Wow, I like almost every single saree Deepika wore and I like how she looked fucking GORGEOUS in every single one! That lady can really carry a saree.

I also watched Fatso! today which I actually prefer to Chennai Express. To me, it's a gentle show which turned out really sweet, although I think maybe there might've been a missed opportunity for a couple twists in Navin's not reading the contract he signed, and in Sudeep's soul's sudden departure. The version I saw (which was uploaded by MyStarMovies) might also have cut out a couple of seconds, I dunno. Nandini and Navin-in-Sudeep talked about a kiss I never saw. How did that happen?

Last Monday I watched 7 Khoon Maaf (interesting and rewatchable; I liked the Irrfan Khan bit best because IRRFAN KHAN!) and Teri Meri Kahani which, I read on Wiki, is a remake of Hou Hsiao Hsien's Three Times. I bought the DVD despite not liking that particular jodi because I honestly thought the story/stories would be interesting, and because Kunal Kohli's Hum Tum was my go-to rom-com when it was released.

Unfortunately for me, Teri Meri Kahani isn't one of those DVDs I might ever watch again. (Also, watching 7 Khoon Maaf and Teri Meri Kahan back-to-back was what made me watch SOTY — only because I needed a cleanser from what was turning out to be a Priyanka Chopra-heavy day.)

What to watch next?

WOW

Last night, YouTube recommended that I watch the trailer of Margarita, With A Straw. Wow. How is it that I still haven't seen anything with Kalki Koechlin in it? Well, except for AIB's 'It's Your Fault' clip:

After the trailer I watched two or three interviews in which Kalki spoke French, English, Tamil, and Hindi. WOW. I'm fascinated by people who speak/write/read in multiple languages. Stephen Fry was the first person I got to know about (after reading The Liar at 14) who knew more than two languages. Trefusis initially inspired me to pursue linguistics (which I did by majoring in it at varsity, but when I eventually did my Honors, it was in Medieval Studies — like Old Norse, Old English, Middle English, and Stylistics).

Anyway, the point is, I'm in awe of people who know more than two languages. I'm supposed to bilingual but I can barely read in my mother tongue and can't code-switch to order. Kalki Koechlin is completely amazing to me — know four languages, a good actor, a social activist ... In fact, maybe That Girl In Yellow Boots will go on my to-watch list now (holy shit she co-wrote it!). I might even go through and follow her entire filmography (which will be a real challenge since she does many films I won't usually watch in case they bring me down).

And this is a really interesting clip about her thoughts on her identity. I was a little confounded (and dumbfounded too) when I first read that she is of French descent, Indian-born and raised, and, again, SPEAKS SO MANY LANGUAGES!

(I agree: I only scribble seriously when I'm in the downward spiral and/or unemployed.)

Margarita, With A Straw looks wonderful, and although I worry it'll make me cry, I'm pretty sure there's humor enough to make me smile again ...

A Tribute

I'mma take a moment to pay tribute to the gorgeousness that is Vijay Raaz's hair (when he grows it out).

Behold:

Look at them beautiful waves and curls — I'm a sucker for curls and his are OMG fucking Gorgeous (yes, with a capital G)!

The waves perfectly set and the curls immaculate ... And they bounce so delightfully too (too lazy to make gif of that now but trust me on that)! Oh, would that I have hair like his!

Other lovely curls:

Kunaal Roy Kapur

Seth Rogen

For some reason, I seem to adore guys who are tall and big with curly hair, and who are complete slackers; Nitin in Delhi Belly and Zack from Zack and Miri Makes A Porno therefore are perfect buddies. I suspect it might be because of Roger, my human teddy bear, from my formative years ... He was about my height, maybe twice of me (sideways), and had large dry, warm hands. Very comforting, that dude. I used to think that everything can and will change, but Roger never will. (Unfortunately, he did. Instead of my teddy bear, he's now a fucking sheep in the damn flock. Ah well ...)

UUUUGGGHHH

Why does nearly every single fucking shot in SOTY feature a dude's bare chest?! Why does the camera linger over Dhawan's and Malhotra's crotches, chests, and abs? WHY the fuck WHY?!

Oi, button up, bitches.

I'm trying to watch the bloody show here and it's already hard enough with that crap storyline.

Further nitpicking:

• Alia Bhatt looked the part of the student (she must've been underage at the time of shooting); Malhotra looked like a pedo because of that.
• I don't know anything about Indian accents or dialects of Hindi, but Dhawan sounded ... a little strange to me. In Humpty Sharma, I'd thought he affected that accent/tone for his role, but even in Koffee with Karan he sounded like that.
• Sure, all gay men are queens, like you. STOP PERPETUATING THAT FUCKING STEREOTYPE. Yes, Ronit Roy is super hot (hello, tattoo!), but this isn't The Birdcage, so why is Rishi Kapoor playing Albert?
• LOL SOTY challenges — treasure hunt?! Dance-off, and eliminated if dateless?! WTF school is this — Sweet Valley High meets Riverdale High?!
• Why couldn't Shanaya have gone to the stupid prom/dance competition with Shruti?
• Shanaya walked funny because of the stripper heels they put her in. You want her to break her damn neck?!
• So, in that stupid love song set atop a snowy mountain, the girl got a fucking sleeveless kurti while the erstwhile bared-chest boys wore turtlenecks and thermal jackets? WTF. Why not make them go topless?
• Rohan's dad despised Rohan's musician ambition but winning the stupid-ass dance competition and triathlon was something Rohan wanted to make his dad proud? WTF. I bet Rohan's dad would've blown a fucking fuse if Rohan said he wanted to be a dancer or athlete.
• Really, you guys gonna duke it out even after a fucking decade? Real mature, assholes. Just kiss and hug it out, boys. Now ... KISS!

... and through much forwarding through dumbass dances, workouts, macho posturing and petty fights, and resultant drama, I've managed to finish the damned show. The best part is Kayoze Irani's character, Sudo(?) giving it to the Dean. You go, girl — preach it!

Another positive: Dhawan's eyebrows. I swear. They're really pretty — even more than any of the girls in the movie, even more than the leading lady.

Question: why couldn't Abhi and Rohan be foes-turned-friends-turned-foes-turned-LOVERS?! That hug in front of the hospital was pretty damned sweet, and Shanaya could've been Rohan's beard. In fact, a better story with appropriate camp that would've accounted for many songs and dances would be Abhi and Rohan falling in and out and back in love, struggling to come out to Shanaya and the whole fucking heteronormative world. And when they finally do, admitting to be madly in love with each other ... AN EXPLOSION OF COLORS AND SONG AND DANCE!

All this queer girl is asking from this queer director is a little more queerness in his movies. Is really too much?!

(That 'Radha' song I liked a lot though. Dhawan is the better dancer (dude's got rhythm) and Malhotra's a little ... I dunno, stiff (uncomfortable dancing?); Alia needs to tighten up the moves a little (hiphop and jazz classes should help).

Four!

I finally found an original copy of Delhi Belly yesterday! It's a little exorbitant but then I was desperate. I mean, I watch the show nearly every day — suuuper obsessed — and there's only so much Hindi I can understand without subtitles ...

Yesterday, I finally finished Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania. Throughout most of the movie (shortly before the interval onward), I kept wondering how different from DDLJ this could possibly be. Is Humpty gonna be bashed at the train station (nope, at the dulhan's house); is Simran Kavya gonna get the "jaa,Simran Kavya, jaa; jee le apni zindagi" lines (no, it's Humpty). Then at the end of the fucking movie, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. WTF? ... oh. Produced by KJo. Whatevs. Again, Alia Bhatt looks way too young to be a bride — I mean, isn't child marriage outlawed?

Today, I finished four movies:

Jodi Breakers — I like Bipasha Basu, but, honestly, I thought she would've learned to act by now. She's been in films for over a decade now, no? Also, the story had promise but failed to meet expectations.

Finding Fanny — this one I love! It's quirky, beautiful, and hopeful. (It's also the first time I saw Deepika Padukone in a movie.) The characters are all adorable (<3 Dimple Kapadia!), but creepy artist man (Pankaj Kapur) is creepy. And poor Nereus ... =( I hope Homi Adajania continues to write and direct; I like both the films he'd written and directed so far.

Cheeni Kum — I've wanted to watch this for so long, but when I finally watched it, it was just ... okay. Maybe I'd like it more had Bachchan Sr. not been in it (yes, I'm not a fan) cuz I just adore Tabu.

Straight — yes, yes, YES! This is such a sweet film — and boy did it surprise me by not being anti-gay/homophobic! (This totally isn't your 'typical' masala movie, right? Bollywood has a pretty shit record when it comes to portrayal of any homosexuality or transgendered characters.) Siddharth Makkar's character's impassioned speech about love after he just came out to his cousin was great; Gul Panag should've had more to do in it because she's good, you know (and those dimples!)? Vinay Pathak was great in this (then again, he's always aces in my books) and I felt a lot of sympathy for his character. I will watch and rewatch this movie for sure, again and again and again, but finding an original copy is prolly gonna be a big pain in the ass ... and expensive too.

I also bought 7 Khoon Maaf yesterday so I'm gonna watch it tomorrow. Having Monday off is just fucking awesome.

Give Me A G and an A - Y?!

... are there no or so few openly LGBTQ (or QUILTBAG) A-list actors in the Indian film industry — specifically that which has been called "Bollywood"?

Bollywood has got to be one of the most fucking heteronormative things on this earth. Sometimes, when I spend too much time immersing myself in masala flicks, I worry I'll start tilting towards Kinsey 0 or 1. Heaven forbid!

Then recently I watched a Koffee with Karan clip on YouTube and realized, heyyyy ... here's an actor who's pinging my almost defunct gaydar. That relatively new actor in question (no, of course not that big ol' queen) somehow just caused my brain to whisper, maybe he's ...? Of course, earlier this week, I then read somewhere that he has had girlfriends and has one now. So I guess my gaydar has completely gone off. Sigh.

Ah, Bollywood, come out of the closet why don't you? I'll give you a cupcake each!