Bridges & Shit

I know you shouldn't burn bridges when you leave because you never know when you might need help or to return, but what if burning ALL the bridges meant whatever nightmare and horror on the other side of the bridges won't be able to distress you ever again?

How bad must things get so that the burning of bridges is justified?

... I'm sure I'm just being impulsive as usual. Hopefully sleeping on it will bring about some sense and sensibility.

Sigh.

Weekend of Female Vengeance

One of my favorite genre of movies is the one where a wronged woman gets her revenge, served cold but deliciously punchy. For that reason, I only rewatch Ek Hasina Thi when Urmila's character starts toughening up, first by beating the shit out of her bully; then by fucking Karan over until she leaves him to the rats.

It's not really the schadenfreude I enjoy; it's watching women beating the ever-loving shit of out their attackers or whoever wronged them, get their revenge.

Yesterday, I finally saw Kahaani (which I bought on Friday). I'd put off watching it because I'd read the Wiki synopsis (spoilers and all), so I'd thought I'd not find the movie engaging. Boy, was I ever wrong ... (I only bought the DVD because I wanted to see Nawazuddin Siddiqui in a movie in which he has at least a supporting role; the kinda films in which he has a leading role are usually not my cuppa).

In fact, I found it very engrossing (despite Wiki's spoilers). Vidya Balan is just phenomenal in it. The three best things about Kahaani are: Vidya Balan, Nawaz (who was scary-intense; to watch Vidya calmly asserted herself, throwing his arrogant words back at him, was sweet as), and the sweet, shy Rana's crush on Vidya. My favorite scene is the rise of Durga in Vidya. The moment she opened her eyes and directed at Milan Damji a stare that burned with a thousand fires ...

... then proceeded to kick his fucking ass to hell. Yeah, asshole, you're fucking roadkill. That was when I tumbled over from mere admiration into devout worship of Vidya.

I mean, she stabbed him — twice! — with a fucking pencil. Who does that?! I love watching women kick ass, and Vidya did so with particular style. (That is prolly the scene I'll keep rewatching in days to come! I've already rewatched the entire film once today!)

And thank you for the sweet, sweet irony of a contract killer with a life insurance agent cover! Bob Biswas's unholy crossing of himself (with throat-slash motion) was also quite inspired. (The one aspect Kahaani failed in was everything that has do with computers and 'hacking' — couldn've been done better. Did the writers/director not have a consultant for this?)

So, after rewatching Kahaani today, after my Nautanki Saala (just bought on Friday, with Kahaani) failed to work, and I'd thrown a fit, I went in search of something that isn't an insipid love story ... Found Mardaani.

Mardaani I also avoided watching (even though I adore Rani Mukherji and read good reviews of the film) because I can't stand watching children get sex-trafficked and harmed in any way. But, today, watched it I did.

I like Rani in it; the film, on the other hand, is still a little too masala for the direction it tried to go. It was a little hard for me to completely believe Rani's character was able to physically kick ass because her face is so sweet and innocent. (By god, they gave her bangs and long hair for this — what?! Look, I'm not expected the tough-woman pixie cut nor G.I. Jane's crew cut, but bangs?! An easily grabbed long plait/ponytail?! The fuck ...)

But kick ass she did — and, by that part of the movie, I enjoyed the hell out of it (and also the fact that she wasn't afraid to hit below the belt). And hell yeah I enjoyed the girls venting their collective fury on the shithead. It was, for that moment, extremely cathartic (for me).

Because movies are vicarious for viewers, no?

Delhi Belly Prequel-Sequel: A Suggestion

Because I have yet to stop watching Delhi Belly (although I admittedly don't do it daily anymore), the more times I rewatch it, the more questions I have.

Like, why does the dudes' flat only get running water for two hours a day while their landlord's flat (below theirs) seems to have running water on demand?

Or, how did the two policemen, DIG Mohan Shrivistava and IG Phool Chand Jain, know which room everybody (Cowboy & gang, Tashi & gang, Sonia, and Vladmir) was squashed in and got the hotel staff to open the door to?

Anyway, those can be overlooked. Now, how about a prequel for a sequel?

How about a prequel that tells the story of:

• How the three dudes met and ended up living in such a crummy flat?
  My guess: Nitin and Tashi met at varsity and took pity on Arup after watching him get hazed. Since their professions have to do with newspapers, they might have shared a couple of classes as well. The crummy flat was in fact the least crummy of flats they viewed and could afford.
• How Tashi hooked up with Sonia?
  My guess: Tashi had to cover a stupid story (like what he had done with VJ Sophaya) in high society — maybe he interviewed Sonia's mom about her fucking stupid clock collection. Sonia made the first move and Tashi just went along because, hey hot chick who will bone me!, and also because he seems to be the kind that would go with, rather than against, the flow.
• How Nitin started using corpses as models and talked Leena into letting him photograph her johns for blackmailing purposes — and WHY?
  My guess: Maybe he's always had weird (and prolly socially-unacceptable) taste and was derided by his professors at varsity. When he graduated, prospective employers blanched at his portfolio. Left with no choice, Nitin attempted to hawk his photographs in the bazaar and was laughed out of town. Hanging out with Tashi one day he tagged along when Tashi got a call about a scoop. It was a particularly gruesome and bizarre murder and dismemberment but Nitin's aesthetics worked for him in this case and he managed to bagged a freelance position at Tashi's workplace.
  I like to think Nitin doesn't frequent brothels, so maybe Nitin was hired by an jealous wife (wife of his and Tashi's boss) to snap shots of her no-good philandering bastard of a husband who happens to be a frequent visitor at a brothel and Leena's number one customer. A one-off freelance gig turned into something more consistently lucrative ...
  OR Nitin was Leena's number one customer until he arrived too early for his 'appointment'. As he waited for his turn, he noticed, through Leena's never-closed windows that Tashi's boss was getting serviced ...
• How Cowboy come to import black market diamonds?
  My guess: Hm, I actually don't have a clue for this one, except that maybe his less-than-competent subordinates managed to inadvertently foil every single attempt by Cowboy to engage in gangsterism. Finally, Cowboy's dying grandfather (the biggest, baddest badass to ever badass) bequeathed his antique/handicraft shop and underworld business to Cowboy, with instructions to marry and produce an heir for the family business. So, basically, Cowboy took over gramps' business, managed to grow it despite his bumbling lackeys, and then had to start bride-shopping. He was besotted with Leena until he discovered she was his grampa's favorite prostitute ...

Shorts

Decided to rewatch The Lunchbox last night because IRRFAN KHAN + NAWAZUDDIN SIDDIQUI = AWESOME POSSUM!

These are two actors I admire greatly even though I can't bear to watch most of their films — often on account of how 'dark' and 'heavy' I perceive them to be. They both are so great at comedies though; I hope they get to work together on an intelligent and funny movie soon, something like Delhi Belly without the farts and shits.

OMG I would love to Khan and Siddiqui together with Vijay Raaz — that might just be TEH BEST CAST & SHOW EVAR!!!

Anyway, The Lunchbox reminded me that I actually haven't anything else of Siddiqui's works, the small role in Peepli Live and the even smaller blink-and-you-miss-it role in Munna Bhai MBBS notwithstanding. So I did a random search and found treasures!

'Bypass' (Irrfan Khan is in it too!) is one of my favorite types of narratives — full-circle (quite literally) and neat (in every sense of the word). I don't think I have read/watched many books/films that do the coming-full-circle thing well and not lazily or unimaginatively.

'Bypass' is the circle of life: you get what you give — or, in this case, you give what you take. I like 'Bypass' so much more than 'Mehfuz' in Shorts (which I found dark, depressing, and quite incomprehensible). The actors — Siddiqui, Khan, and Sundar Dan Detha especially — are all so expressive in this wordless short.

I also found '"OP" Stop Smelling Your Socks'. I've always found the idea of being unable to wake from dreams terrifying. Happily, this one is funny and not at all scary — it also puts on display Siddiqui's great potential in comedy!

'Salt 'N' Pepper' was decent (having not read the synopsis, this short certainly didn't go the way I thought it would from its first few scenes); 'Recycle Mind' I watched without subtitles but it was easy enough to figure out the story which was engaging enough.

I hope Siddiqui won't get typecast as the poor/violent type; I mean, he's already the face of Gareeb Aadmi on Twitter ...

DD-Fucking-LJ

I honestly do not get Hindi movie scriptwriters' fascination with DDLJ. Fuck, what is it about that movie that has so many people seemingly in love with it? Why do films insist on inserting references or even blatantly lifting dialogues, scenes, and riffs from that show? What makes DDLJ so fucking iconic?

I get so mad at the scriptwriter and director whenever that happens, even in "tributes", like in Chennai Express — the ending, not the train scene at the beginning which is actually a decent parody — OMG why did I ever decide to watch it? I even saw this clip in which Sapan Verma was talking about Chennai Express (which should've served as warning that Chennai Express is not worth your time, classist joke about halwais aside):

Anyway, there are two positives in Chennai Express:

• DIMPLES! I spent a lot of time watching SRK's and Deepika's dimples. Strangely, Deepika's dimples were the only pair I've ever seen that didn't make its wearer cute. No, hers made her very pretty. And she can act! Consider me a new fan!
• SAREES! Wow, I like almost every single saree Deepika wore and I like how she looked fucking GORGEOUS in every single one! That lady can really carry a saree.

I also watched Fatso! today which I actually prefer to Chennai Express. To me, it's a gentle show which turned out really sweet, although I think maybe there might've been a missed opportunity for a couple twists in Navin's not reading the contract he signed, and in Sudeep's soul's sudden departure. The version I saw (which was uploaded by MyStarMovies) might also have cut out a couple of seconds, I dunno. Nandini and Navin-in-Sudeep talked about a kiss I never saw. How did that happen?

Last Monday I watched 7 Khoon Maaf (interesting and rewatchable; I liked the Irrfan Khan bit best because IRRFAN KHAN!) and Teri Meri Kahani which, I read on Wiki, is a remake of Hou Hsiao Hsien's Three Times. I bought the DVD despite not liking that particular jodi because I honestly thought the story/stories would be interesting, and because Kunal Kohli's Hum Tum was my go-to rom-com when it was released.

Unfortunately for me, Teri Meri Kahani isn't one of those DVDs I might ever watch again. (Also, watching 7 Khoon Maaf and Teri Meri Kahan back-to-back was what made me watch SOTY — only because I needed a cleanser from what was turning out to be a Priyanka Chopra-heavy day.)

What to watch next?

WOW

Last night, YouTube recommended that I watch the trailer of Margarita, With A Straw. Wow. How is it that I still haven't seen anything with Kalki Koechlin in it? Well, except for AIB's 'It's Your Fault' clip:

After the trailer I watched two or three interviews in which Kalki spoke French, English, Tamil, and Hindi. WOW. I'm fascinated by people who speak/write/read in multiple languages. Stephen Fry was the first person I got to know about (after reading The Liar at 14) who knew more than two languages. Trefusis initially inspired me to pursue linguistics (which I did by majoring in it at varsity, but when I eventually did my Honors, it was in Medieval Studies — like Old Norse, Old English, Middle English, and Stylistics).

Anyway, the point is, I'm in awe of people who know more than two languages. I'm supposed to bilingual but I can barely read in my mother tongue and can't code-switch to order. Kalki Koechlin is completely amazing to me — know four languages, a good actor, a social activist ... In fact, maybe That Girl In Yellow Boots will go on my to-watch list now (holy shit she co-wrote it!). I might even go through and follow her entire filmography (which will be a real challenge since she does many films I won't usually watch in case they bring me down).

And this is a really interesting clip about her thoughts on her identity. I was a little confounded (and dumbfounded too) when I first read that she is of French descent, Indian-born and raised, and, again, SPEAKS SO MANY LANGUAGES!

(I agree: I only scribble seriously when I'm in the downward spiral and/or unemployed.)

Margarita, With A Straw looks wonderful, and although I worry it'll make me cry, I'm pretty sure there's humor enough to make me smile again ...

A Tribute

I'mma take a moment to pay tribute to the gorgeousness that is Vijay Raaz's hair (when he grows it out).

Behold:

Look at them beautiful waves and curls — I'm a sucker for curls and his are OMG fucking Gorgeous (yes, with a capital G)!

The waves perfectly set and the curls immaculate ... And they bounce so delightfully too (too lazy to make gif of that now but trust me on that)! Oh, would that I have hair like his!

Other lovely curls:

Kunaal Roy Kapur

Seth Rogen

For some reason, I seem to adore guys who are tall and big with curly hair, and who are complete slackers; Nitin in Delhi Belly and Zack from Zack and Miri Makes A Porno therefore are perfect buddies. I suspect it might be because of Roger, my human teddy bear, from my formative years ... He was about my height, maybe twice of me (sideways), and had large dry, warm hands. Very comforting, that dude. I used to think that everything can and will change, but Roger never will. (Unfortunately, he did. Instead of my teddy bear, he's now a fucking sheep in the damn flock. Ah well ...)

UUUUGGGHHH

Why does nearly every single fucking shot in SOTY feature a dude's bare chest?! Why does the camera linger over Dhawan's and Malhotra's crotches, chests, and abs? WHY the fuck WHY?!

Oi, button up, bitches.

I'm trying to watch the bloody show here and it's already hard enough with that crap storyline.

Further nitpicking:

• Alia Bhatt looked the part of the student (she must've been underage at the time of shooting); Malhotra looked like a pedo because of that.
• I don't know anything about Indian accents or dialects of Hindi, but Dhawan sounded ... a little strange to me. In Humpty Sharma, I'd thought he affected that accent/tone for his role, but even in Koffee with Karan he sounded like that.
• Sure, all gay men are queens, like you. STOP PERPETUATING THAT FUCKING STEREOTYPE. Yes, Ronit Roy is super hot (hello, tattoo!), but this isn't The Birdcage, so why is Rishi Kapoor playing Albert?
• LOL SOTY challenges — treasure hunt?! Dance-off, and eliminated if dateless?! WTF school is this — Sweet Valley High meets Riverdale High?!
• Why couldn't Shanaya have gone to the stupid prom/dance competition with Shruti?
• Shanaya walked funny because of the stripper heels they put her in. You want her to break her damn neck?!
• So, in that stupid love song set atop a snowy mountain, the girl got a fucking sleeveless kurti while the erstwhile bared-chest boys wore turtlenecks and thermal jackets? WTF. Why not make them go topless?
• Rohan's dad despised Rohan's musician ambition but winning the stupid-ass dance competition and triathlon was something Rohan wanted to make his dad proud? WTF. I bet Rohan's dad would've blown a fucking fuse if Rohan said he wanted to be a dancer or athlete.
• Really, you guys gonna duke it out even after a fucking decade? Real mature, assholes. Just kiss and hug it out, boys. Now ... KISS!

... and through much forwarding through dumbass dances, workouts, macho posturing and petty fights, and resultant drama, I've managed to finish the damned show. The best part is Kayoze Irani's character, Sudo(?) giving it to the Dean. You go, girl — preach it!

Another positive: Dhawan's eyebrows. I swear. They're really pretty — even more than any of the girls in the movie, even more than the leading lady.

Question: why couldn't Abhi and Rohan be foes-turned-friends-turned-foes-turned-LOVERS?! That hug in front of the hospital was pretty damned sweet, and Shanaya could've been Rohan's beard. In fact, a better story with appropriate camp that would've accounted for many songs and dances would be Abhi and Rohan falling in and out and back in love, struggling to come out to Shanaya and the whole fucking heteronormative world. And when they finally do, admitting to be madly in love with each other ... AN EXPLOSION OF COLORS AND SONG AND DANCE!

All this queer girl is asking from this queer director is a little more queerness in his movies. Is really too much?!

(That 'Radha' song I liked a lot though. Dhawan is the better dancer (dude's got rhythm) and Malhotra's a little ... I dunno, stiff (uncomfortable dancing?); Alia needs to tighten up the moves a little (hiphop and jazz classes should help).

Four!

I finally found an original copy of Delhi Belly yesterday! It's a little exorbitant but then I was desperate. I mean, I watch the show nearly every day — suuuper obsessed — and there's only so much Hindi I can understand without subtitles ...

Yesterday, I finally finished Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania. Throughout most of the movie (shortly before the interval onward), I kept wondering how different from DDLJ this could possibly be. Is Humpty gonna be bashed at the train station (nope, at the dulhan's house); is Simran Kavya gonna get the "jaa,Simran Kavya, jaa; jee le apni zindagi" lines (no, it's Humpty). Then at the end of the fucking movie, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. WTF? ... oh. Produced by KJo. Whatevs. Again, Alia Bhatt looks way too young to be a bride — I mean, isn't child marriage outlawed?

Today, I finished four movies:

Jodi Breakers — I like Bipasha Basu, but, honestly, I thought she would've learned to act by now. She's been in films for over a decade now, no? Also, the story had promise but failed to meet expectations.

Finding Fanny — this one I love! It's quirky, beautiful, and hopeful. (It's also the first time I saw Deepika Padukone in a movie.) The characters are all adorable (<3 Dimple Kapadia!), but creepy artist man (Pankaj Kapur) is creepy. And poor Nereus ... =( I hope Homi Adajania continues to write and direct; I like both the films he'd written and directed so far.

Cheeni Kum — I've wanted to watch this for so long, but when I finally watched it, it was just ... okay. Maybe I'd like it more had Bachchan Sr. not been in it (yes, I'm not a fan) cuz I just adore Tabu.

Straight — yes, yes, YES! This is such a sweet film — and boy did it surprise me by not being anti-gay/homophobic! (This totally isn't your 'typical' masala movie, right? Bollywood has a pretty shit record when it comes to portrayal of any homosexuality or transgendered characters.) Siddharth Makkar's character's impassioned speech about love after he just came out to his cousin was great; Gul Panag should've had more to do in it because she's good, you know (and those dimples!)? Vinay Pathak was great in this (then again, he's always aces in my books) and I felt a lot of sympathy for his character. I will watch and rewatch this movie for sure, again and again and again, but finding an original copy is prolly gonna be a big pain in the ass ... and expensive too.

I also bought 7 Khoon Maaf yesterday so I'm gonna watch it tomorrow. Having Monday off is just fucking awesome.

More Shitheads

You dumb fucks.

You dumb dumb dumb dumb fucks.

Why in the bloody hell were you ever shat out and not flushed down the toilet where you belong?

You don't deserve to be even an atom on this planet in this galaxy, or any other in the entire universe. You are the mistakes that were penciled on life's drawing pad and must be erased.

You dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb fucks — this is for you:

Give Me A G and an A - Y?!

... are there no or so few openly LGBTQ (or QUILTBAG) A-list actors in the Indian film industry — specifically that which has been called "Bollywood"?

Bollywood has got to be one of the most fucking heteronormative things on this earth. Sometimes, when I spend too much time immersing myself in masala flicks, I worry I'll start tilting towards Kinsey 0 or 1. Heaven forbid!

Then recently I watched a Koffee with Karan clip on YouTube and realized, heyyyy ... here's an actor who's pinging my almost defunct gaydar. That relatively new actor in question (no, of course not that big ol' queen) somehow just caused my brain to whisper, maybe he's ...? Of course, earlier this week, I then read somewhere that he has had girlfriends and has one now. So I guess my gaydar has completely gone off. Sigh.

Ah, Bollywood, come out of the closet why don't you? I'll give you a cupcake each!

Ishqiya + Dedh Ishqiya = Fuck Yeah!

I finally watched Ishqiya AND Dedh Ishqiya — FUCKING AWESOME AFTERNOON!

I think Dedh Ishqiya is funnier than first; it also has Vijay Raaz and his beautiful hair in it. No, seriously, his hair is almost as beautiful as Huma Qureshi. Almost. Also, Dedh Ishqiya has LESBIANS.

Wait.

No.

No, it has my crush, Huma Qureshi, playing one half of an utterly gorgeous lesbian couple!!!

The more fitting #ohdekho #dekho #dekho

And not in that stupid exploitative way like Girlfriend.

What I don't like in both films is the violence against women. I can't stand seeing violence against animals, women, and children, not even fake violence; I want to kill the assholes dead who hurt them.

I also don't get why Khalujaan and Babban still seem to think they have a chance with Para and Muniya towards the end of the movie (bail scene), despite seeing Para and Muniya get it on (while the men were tied up), despite Khalujaan having seemingly conceded the lesbian relationship that the two women have (see: the lihaaf reference). Is it just to reinforce how much those two male characters are complete fools for love and eternal optimists?

Anyway, I love big ol' lesbian happy endings! (This Rediff article is a good read and also elucidates Dedh Ishqiya's significance in modern Indian film history.)

I feel quite sorry for the Jaan Mohammad character — I believe it's more his obsessive love for Begum Para than his desperate coveting of the Nawab title that fueled his determination to marry her — but only because of Vijay Raaz's beautiful hair (which also looked very pretty in Delhi Belly). I wish my hair could be wavy/curly that way, instead of looking like a windswept mess all the time, wind notwithstanding.

Final Weekend Until ... Hell (Part 2)

After aerial yoga, came home to watch Badmaa$h Company and followed it by Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana. The former was okay — at least it wasn't a Sajid Khan flick — and the actors are all decent. This is the second flick I've seen with Anushka Sharma in it and I'm starting to think she's like SRK — one-note expressions for all the emotions in her repertoire. Prolly will watch Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi or Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl just to confirm or banish my suspicions. And, hey, Vir Das was good!

Apparently, this was a day of redemption. First Karan Kapoor in Badmaa$h Company, then Omi in Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana. Goodness, where on earth has Kunal Kapoor been?! I thought the first and only time I saw him was in Meenaxi: A Tale of Three Cities but I later realized he was also in Rang De Basanti (I could only watch this one time and, oh god, how I cried!). I like Chicken Khurana so much more than Badmaa$h.

OMG HUMA QURESHI! I first saw her in the harrowing short, 'Sujata', in Shorts. Not only is she a good actor, she's fucking gorgeous as well. Oh please let me go out with a girl like her one day ... Anyway, what a sweet story Chicken Khurana is! I totally teared at Grampa's recollection of his beautiful biwi and how Chicken Khurana came to be. LOL weed-chicken curry — I'll totally eat that!

... and back to Delhi Belly. Gawd, just can't get enough of it! It's gonna be like Rangeela — watching it as I ate my dinner all those years in my tiny studio.

Please please please please please Goddess, let me get my hands on an original copy of the original (English) Delhi Belly soon!!!

Final Weekend Until ... Hell (Part 1)

I went to get a haircut today and just couldn't resist heading to Little India again for DVDs. Delhi Belly is the only thing on my list. If it's not available, I'll just keep going back every week until March ... whereupon I'll go back to that dodgy shop that sold me Wake Up Sid and Tanu Weds Manu. Desperate times, desperate measures. So, no, Delhi Belly wasn't anywhere on the shelves today, but I bought Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana and Badmaa$h Company — couldn't resist!

Watched Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na on New Year's Day. I quite like it, even if that story has been told since the beginning of time, and despite the Khan brothers on horseback (WTF). Omg, does Genelia D'Souza in Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na not look a whole lot like Sonali Kulkarni in Dil Chahta Hai?!

Also watched Salaam-e-Ishq on New Year's Day which was A FUCKING WASTE OF MY BLOODY TIME. Who the fuck dreamed up that shit?! The only story I liked was the Vidya Balan-John Abraham one which seemed to have been shoehorned into the film. Also, that Govinda-gori memsahib story had been done so much better in Hari Om. Hari Om I actually adored: it had all them feels, man. And Vijay Raaz as eponymous Hari Om was charming and endearing; Govinda's Raju was neither.

Anyway, I've been rewatching Delhi Belly on a daily basis now. It's the original (English) version so I understand most of it; the Hindi bits I figure out by putting together the words I do understand and the context. The more I rewatch it, the more I understand. But, the more I rewatch it, the more my suspicion that Imran Khan might just be the weakest actor of the whole cast deepens. (I think his cursing was quite unconvincing. Are there actually people on earth who DON'T swear daily?! The dude who cursed most fluently was Nitin of "when a donkey fucks a rickshaw na, this is what you get"!)

I also realized last night who the Jain landlord (Paresh Ganatra) reminded me of: Vinny from My Cousin Vinny (Joe Pesci)!

My newest earworms!