Wanted: Bee Charmer

Recently found out what "bee charmer" means — apart from charming actual bees ... and Nellie McKay's duet with Cyndi Lauper suddenly makes sense, because I could never figure out why that song was called 'Bee Charmer'.

Episodes is back! I was going to delay watching the new season but, having seen on AfterEllen talk of a lesbian affair (Carol! With her new boss!), I hurriedly started on season four.

Sigh, why couldn't I have a smart, funny, and kind boss who'd hit on me like Helen did Carol? Sure would be nice to have a bee charmer in my life ...

Weekend

Ek Tha Tiger the Hindi film on the free-to-view channel yesterday, so of course I headed to Mustafa again to buy DVDs and medjool dates before meeting Auntie Al, her client, and her girlfriend for dinner. I bought Dil Kabaddi, Special 26, and Mirch.

After I came home from aerial yoga today, I watched Dil Kabaddi. Since I haven't watched Husbands and Wives (and will never), I found Dil Kabaddi decent because I love the main cast. I didn't quite get the couple played by Rahul Bose and Konkana Sen Sharma, but I understood how problems came to be in relationships. Had I watched this film earlier in my life, I would've felt validated in my staunch belief in never ever getting (hetero) married for love. For anything else — economic, financial, legal reasons etc. — yes, go ahead and have your marriage of convenience.

The casting is lovely — Irrfan Khan, Rahul Bose, Konkana, Soha Ali Khan, and Rahul Khanna — I never thought I would be able to catch Irrfan, Rahul B., and Konkana together in a movie that won't make me cry and my heart ache! This is also the first time I saw Soha Ali Khan in a movie and I think she's a rather decent actor.

Anyway, 6.5/10 from me for Dil Kabaddi! (Can I please see Monty and Shruti again in another comedy?)

Next thing I watched was Special 26.

THANK GOODNESS I only took a glance through the sea of text that is its Wiki synopsis. I was on tenterhooks for second half of the film, wishing so hard there would be an ending that didn't consist of a poor girl waiting pointlessly at the airport and everybody else in jail. THANK YOU SCRIPTWRITER-DIRECTOR! (Mental note: Neeraj Pandey's other films to be on must-watch list.)

Special 26 is the Ocean's Eleven of Hindi cinema. Forget all the other shitty "(loosely) based on" ripoffs. Special 26 had as much cojones and kept me wondering how the hell they would get out of the situation with the loot. Hell yeah, Akshay Kumar made a great mastermind figure. AWESOME FILM! 8/10!

Currently rewatching Special 26. Less stressful because I now know I can expect a happy ending!

Bridges & Shit

I know you shouldn't burn bridges when you leave because you never know when you might need help or to return, but what if burning ALL the bridges meant whatever nightmare and horror on the other side of the bridges won't be able to distress you ever again?

How bad must things get so that the burning of bridges is justified?

... I'm sure I'm just being impulsive as usual. Hopefully sleeping on it will bring about some sense and sensibility.

Sigh.

Weekend of Female Vengeance

One of my favorite genre of movies is the one where a wronged woman gets her revenge, served cold but deliciously punchy. For that reason, I only rewatch Ek Hasina Thi when Urmila's character starts toughening up, first by beating the shit out of her bully; then by fucking Karan over until she leaves him to the rats.

It's not really the schadenfreude I enjoy; it's watching women beating the ever-loving shit of out their attackers or whoever wronged them, get their revenge.

Yesterday, I finally saw Kahaani (which I bought on Friday). I'd put off watching it because I'd read the Wiki synopsis (spoilers and all), so I'd thought I'd not find the movie engaging. Boy, was I ever wrong ... (I only bought the DVD because I wanted to see Nawazuddin Siddiqui in a movie in which he has at least a supporting role; the kinda films in which he has a leading role are usually not my cuppa).

In fact, I found it very engrossing (despite Wiki's spoilers). Vidya Balan is just phenomenal in it. The three best things about Kahaani are: Vidya Balan, Nawaz (who was scary-intense; to watch Vidya calmly asserted herself, throwing his arrogant words back at him, was sweet as), and the sweet, shy Rana's crush on Vidya. My favorite scene is the rise of Durga in Vidya. The moment she opened her eyes and directed at Milan Damji a stare that burned with a thousand fires ...

... then proceeded to kick his fucking ass to hell. Yeah, asshole, you're fucking roadkill. That was when I tumbled over from mere admiration into devout worship of Vidya.

I mean, she stabbed him — twice! — with a fucking pencil. Who does that?! I love watching women kick ass, and Vidya did so with particular style. (That is prolly the scene I'll keep rewatching in days to come! I've already rewatched the entire film once today!)

And thank you for the sweet, sweet irony of a contract killer with a life insurance agent cover! Bob Biswas's unholy crossing of himself (with throat-slash motion) was also quite inspired. (The one aspect Kahaani failed in was everything that has do with computers and 'hacking' — couldn've been done better. Did the writers/director not have a consultant for this?)

So, after rewatching Kahaani today, after my Nautanki Saala (just bought on Friday, with Kahaani) failed to work, and I'd thrown a fit, I went in search of something that isn't an insipid love story ... Found Mardaani.

Mardaani I also avoided watching (even though I adore Rani Mukherji and read good reviews of the film) because I can't stand watching children get sex-trafficked and harmed in any way. But, today, watched it I did.

I like Rani in it; the film, on the other hand, is still a little too masala for the direction it tried to go. It was a little hard for me to completely believe Rani's character was able to physically kick ass because her face is so sweet and innocent. (By god, they gave her bangs and long hair for this — what?! Look, I'm not expected the tough-woman pixie cut nor G.I. Jane's crew cut, but bangs?! An easily grabbed long plait/ponytail?! The fuck ...)

But kick ass she did — and, by that part of the movie, I enjoyed the hell out of it (and also the fact that she wasn't afraid to hit below the belt). And hell yeah I enjoyed the girls venting their collective fury on the shithead. It was, for that moment, extremely cathartic (for me).

Because movies are vicarious for viewers, no?

Delhi Belly Prequel-Sequel: A Suggestion

Because I have yet to stop watching Delhi Belly (although I admittedly don't do it daily anymore), the more times I rewatch it, the more questions I have.

Like, why does the dudes' flat only get running water for two hours a day while their landlord's flat (below theirs) seems to have running water on demand?

Or, how did the two policemen, DIG Mohan Shrivistava and IG Phool Chand Jain, know which room everybody (Cowboy & gang, Tashi & gang, Sonia, and Vladmir) was squashed in and got the hotel staff to open the door to?

Anyway, those can be overlooked. Now, how about a prequel for a sequel?

How about a prequel that tells the story of:

• How the three dudes met and ended up living in such a crummy flat?
  My guess: Nitin and Tashi met at varsity and took pity on Arup after watching him get hazed. Since their professions have to do with newspapers, they might have shared a couple of classes as well. The crummy flat was in fact the least crummy of flats they viewed and could afford.
• How Tashi hooked up with Sonia?
  My guess: Tashi had to cover a stupid story (like what he had done with VJ Sophaya) in high society — maybe he interviewed Sonia's mom about her fucking stupid clock collection. Sonia made the first move and Tashi just went along because, hey hot chick who will bone me!, and also because he seems to be the kind that would go with, rather than against, the flow.
• How Nitin started using corpses as models and talked Leena into letting him photograph her johns for blackmailing purposes — and WHY?
  My guess: Maybe he's always had weird (and prolly socially-unacceptable) taste and was derided by his professors at varsity. When he graduated, prospective employers blanched at his portfolio. Left with no choice, Nitin attempted to hawk his photographs in the bazaar and was laughed out of town. Hanging out with Tashi one day he tagged along when Tashi got a call about a scoop. It was a particularly gruesome and bizarre murder and dismemberment but Nitin's aesthetics worked for him in this case and he managed to bagged a freelance position at Tashi's workplace.
  I like to think Nitin doesn't frequent brothels, so maybe Nitin was hired by an jealous wife (wife of his and Tashi's boss) to snap shots of her no-good philandering bastard of a husband who happens to be a frequent visitor at a brothel and Leena's number one customer. A one-off freelance gig turned into something more consistently lucrative ...
  OR Nitin was Leena's number one customer until he arrived too early for his 'appointment'. As he waited for his turn, he noticed, through Leena's never-closed windows that Tashi's boss was getting serviced ...
• How Cowboy come to import black market diamonds?
  My guess: Hm, I actually don't have a clue for this one, except that maybe his less-than-competent subordinates managed to inadvertently foil every single attempt by Cowboy to engage in gangsterism. Finally, Cowboy's dying grandfather (the biggest, baddest badass to ever badass) bequeathed his antique/handicraft shop and underworld business to Cowboy, with instructions to marry and produce an heir for the family business. So, basically, Cowboy took over gramps' business, managed to grow it despite his bumbling lackeys, and then had to start bride-shopping. He was besotted with Leena until he discovered she was his grampa's favorite prostitute ...

Shorts

Decided to rewatch The Lunchbox last night because IRRFAN KHAN + NAWAZUDDIN SIDDIQUI = AWESOME POSSUM!

These are two actors I admire greatly even though I can't bear to watch most of their films — often on account of how 'dark' and 'heavy' I perceive them to be. They both are so great at comedies though; I hope they get to work together on an intelligent and funny movie soon, something like Delhi Belly without the farts and shits.

OMG I would love to Khan and Siddiqui together with Vijay Raaz — that might just be TEH BEST CAST & SHOW EVAR!!!

Anyway, The Lunchbox reminded me that I actually haven't anything else of Siddiqui's works, the small role in Peepli Live and the even smaller blink-and-you-miss-it role in Munna Bhai MBBS notwithstanding. So I did a random search and found treasures!

'Bypass' (Irrfan Khan is in it too!) is one of my favorite types of narratives — full-circle (quite literally) and neat (in every sense of the word). I don't think I have read/watched many books/films that do the coming-full-circle thing well and not lazily or unimaginatively.

'Bypass' is the circle of life: you get what you give — or, in this case, you give what you take. I like 'Bypass' so much more than 'Mehfuz' in Shorts (which I found dark, depressing, and quite incomprehensible). The actors — Siddiqui, Khan, and Sundar Dan Detha especially — are all so expressive in this wordless short.

I also found '"OP" Stop Smelling Your Socks'. I've always found the idea of being unable to wake from dreams terrifying. Happily, this one is funny and not at all scary — it also puts on display Siddiqui's great potential in comedy!

'Salt 'N' Pepper' was decent (having not read the synopsis, this short certainly didn't go the way I thought it would from its first few scenes); 'Recycle Mind' I watched without subtitles but it was easy enough to figure out the story which was engaging enough.

I hope Siddiqui won't get typecast as the poor/violent type; I mean, he's already the face of Gareeb Aadmi on Twitter ...

DD-Fucking-LJ

I honestly do not get Hindi movie scriptwriters' fascination with DDLJ. Fuck, what is it about that movie that has so many people seemingly in love with it? Why do films insist on inserting references or even blatantly lifting dialogues, scenes, and riffs from that show? What makes DDLJ so fucking iconic?

I get so mad at the scriptwriter and director whenever that happens, even in "tributes", like in Chennai Express — the ending, not the train scene at the beginning which is actually a decent parody — OMG why did I ever decide to watch it? I even saw this clip in which Sapan Verma was talking about Chennai Express (which should've served as warning that Chennai Express is not worth your time, classist joke about halwais aside):

Anyway, there are two positives in Chennai Express:

• DIMPLES! I spent a lot of time watching SRK's and Deepika's dimples. Strangely, Deepika's dimples were the only pair I've ever seen that didn't make its wearer cute. No, hers made her very pretty. And she can act! Consider me a new fan!
• SAREES! Wow, I like almost every single saree Deepika wore and I like how she looked fucking GORGEOUS in every single one! That lady can really carry a saree.

I also watched Fatso! today which I actually prefer to Chennai Express. To me, it's a gentle show which turned out really sweet, although I think maybe there might've been a missed opportunity for a couple twists in Navin's not reading the contract he signed, and in Sudeep's soul's sudden departure. The version I saw (which was uploaded by MyStarMovies) might also have cut out a couple of seconds, I dunno. Nandini and Navin-in-Sudeep talked about a kiss I never saw. How did that happen?

Last Monday I watched 7 Khoon Maaf (interesting and rewatchable; I liked the Irrfan Khan bit best because IRRFAN KHAN!) and Teri Meri Kahani which, I read on Wiki, is a remake of Hou Hsiao Hsien's Three Times. I bought the DVD despite not liking that particular jodi because I honestly thought the story/stories would be interesting, and because Kunal Kohli's Hum Tum was my go-to rom-com when it was released.

Unfortunately for me, Teri Meri Kahani isn't one of those DVDs I might ever watch again. (Also, watching 7 Khoon Maaf and Teri Meri Kahan back-to-back was what made me watch SOTY — only because I needed a cleanser from what was turning out to be a Priyanka Chopra-heavy day.)

What to watch next?