Four!

I finally found an original copy of Delhi Belly yesterday! It's a little exorbitant but then I was desperate. I mean, I watch the show nearly every day — suuuper obsessed — and there's only so much Hindi I can understand without subtitles ...

Yesterday, I finally finished Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania. Throughout most of the movie (shortly before the interval onward), I kept wondering how different from DDLJ this could possibly be. Is Humpty gonna be bashed at the train station (nope, at the dulhan's house); is Simran Kavya gonna get the "jaa,Simran Kavya, jaa; jee le apni zindagi" lines (no, it's Humpty). Then at the end of the fucking movie, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. WTF? ... oh. Produced by KJo. Whatevs. Again, Alia Bhatt looks way too young to be a bride — I mean, isn't child marriage outlawed?

Today, I finished four movies:

Jodi Breakers — I like Bipasha Basu, but, honestly, I thought she would've learned to act by now. She's been in films for over a decade now, no? Also, the story had promise but failed to meet expectations.

Finding Fanny — this one I love! It's quirky, beautiful, and hopeful. (It's also the first time I saw Deepika Padukone in a movie.) The characters are all adorable (<3 Dimple Kapadia!), but creepy artist man (Pankaj Kapur) is creepy. And poor Nereus ... =( I hope Homi Adajania continues to write and direct; I like both the films he'd written and directed so far.

Cheeni Kum — I've wanted to watch this for so long, but when I finally watched it, it was just ... okay. Maybe I'd like it more had Bachchan Sr. not been in it (yes, I'm not a fan) cuz I just adore Tabu.

Straight — yes, yes, YES! This is such a sweet film — and boy did it surprise me by not being anti-gay/homophobic! (This totally isn't your 'typical' masala movie, right? Bollywood has a pretty shit record when it comes to portrayal of any homosexuality or transgendered characters.) Siddharth Makkar's character's impassioned speech about love after he just came out to his cousin was great; Gul Panag should've had more to do in it because she's good, you know (and those dimples!)? Vinay Pathak was great in this (then again, he's always aces in my books) and I felt a lot of sympathy for his character. I will watch and rewatch this movie for sure, again and again and again, but finding an original copy is prolly gonna be a big pain in the ass ... and expensive too.

I also bought 7 Khoon Maaf yesterday so I'm gonna watch it tomorrow. Having Monday off is just fucking awesome.

More Shitheads

You dumb fucks.

You dumb dumb dumb dumb fucks.

Why in the bloody hell were you ever shat out and not flushed down the toilet where you belong?

You don't deserve to be even an atom on this planet in this galaxy, or any other in the entire universe. You are the mistakes that were penciled on life's drawing pad and must be erased.

You dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb fucks — this is for you:

Give Me A G and an A - Y?!

... are there no or so few openly LGBTQ (or QUILTBAG) A-list actors in the Indian film industry — specifically that which has been called "Bollywood"?

Bollywood has got to be one of the most fucking heteronormative things on this earth. Sometimes, when I spend too much time immersing myself in masala flicks, I worry I'll start tilting towards Kinsey 0 or 1. Heaven forbid!

Then recently I watched a Koffee with Karan clip on YouTube and realized, heyyyy ... here's an actor who's pinging my almost defunct gaydar. That relatively new actor in question (no, of course not that big ol' queen) somehow just caused my brain to whisper, maybe he's ...? Of course, earlier this week, I then read somewhere that he has had girlfriends and has one now. So I guess my gaydar has completely gone off. Sigh.

Ah, Bollywood, come out of the closet why don't you? I'll give you a cupcake each!

Ishqiya + Dedh Ishqiya = Fuck Yeah!

I finally watched Ishqiya AND Dedh Ishqiya — FUCKING AWESOME AFTERNOON!

I think Dedh Ishqiya is funnier than first; it also has Vijay Raaz and his beautiful hair in it. No, seriously, his hair is almost as beautiful as Huma Qureshi. Almost. Also, Dedh Ishqiya has LESBIANS.

Wait.

No.

No, it has my crush, Huma Qureshi, playing one half of an utterly gorgeous lesbian couple!!!

The more fitting #ohdekho #dekho #dekho

And not in that stupid exploitative way like Girlfriend.

What I don't like in both films is the violence against women. I can't stand seeing violence against animals, women, and children, not even fake violence; I want to kill the assholes dead who hurt them.

I also don't get why Khalujaan and Babban still seem to think they have a chance with Para and Muniya towards the end of the movie (bail scene), despite seeing Para and Muniya get it on (while the men were tied up), despite Khalujaan having seemingly conceded the lesbian relationship that the two women have (see: the lihaaf reference). Is it just to reinforce how much those two male characters are complete fools for love and eternal optimists?

Anyway, I love big ol' lesbian happy endings! (This Rediff article is a good read and also elucidates Dedh Ishqiya's significance in modern Indian film history.)

I feel quite sorry for the Jaan Mohammad character — I believe it's more his obsessive love for Begum Para than his desperate coveting of the Nawab title that fueled his determination to marry her — but only because of Vijay Raaz's beautiful hair (which also looked very pretty in Delhi Belly). I wish my hair could be wavy/curly that way, instead of looking like a windswept mess all the time, wind notwithstanding.

Final Weekend Until ... Hell (Part 2)

After aerial yoga, came home to watch Badmaa$h Company and followed it by Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana. The former was okay — at least it wasn't a Sajid Khan flick — and the actors are all decent. This is the second flick I've seen with Anushka Sharma in it and I'm starting to think she's like SRK — one-note expressions for all the emotions in her repertoire. Prolly will watch Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi or Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl just to confirm or banish my suspicions. And, hey, Vir Das was good!

Apparently, this was a day of redemption. First Karan Kapoor in Badmaa$h Company, then Omi in Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana. Goodness, where on earth has Kunal Kapoor been?! I thought the first and only time I saw him was in Meenaxi: A Tale of Three Cities but I later realized he was also in Rang De Basanti (I could only watch this one time and, oh god, how I cried!). I like Chicken Khurana so much more than Badmaa$h.

OMG HUMA QURESHI! I first saw her in the harrowing short, 'Sujata', in Shorts. Not only is she a good actor, she's fucking gorgeous as well. Oh please let me go out with a girl like her one day ... Anyway, what a sweet story Chicken Khurana is! I totally teared at Grampa's recollection of his beautiful biwi and how Chicken Khurana came to be. LOL weed-chicken curry — I'll totally eat that!

... and back to Delhi Belly. Gawd, just can't get enough of it! It's gonna be like Rangeela — watching it as I ate my dinner all those years in my tiny studio.

Please please please please please Goddess, let me get my hands on an original copy of the original (English) Delhi Belly soon!!!

Final Weekend Until ... Hell (Part 1)

I went to get a haircut today and just couldn't resist heading to Little India again for DVDs. Delhi Belly is the only thing on my list. If it's not available, I'll just keep going back every week until March ... whereupon I'll go back to that dodgy shop that sold me Wake Up Sid and Tanu Weds Manu. Desperate times, desperate measures. So, no, Delhi Belly wasn't anywhere on the shelves today, but I bought Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana and Badmaa$h Company — couldn't resist!

Watched Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na on New Year's Day. I quite like it, even if that story has been told since the beginning of time, and despite the Khan brothers on horseback (WTF). Omg, does Genelia D'Souza in Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na not look a whole lot like Sonali Kulkarni in Dil Chahta Hai?!

Also watched Salaam-e-Ishq on New Year's Day which was A FUCKING WASTE OF MY BLOODY TIME. Who the fuck dreamed up that shit?! The only story I liked was the Vidya Balan-John Abraham one which seemed to have been shoehorned into the film. Also, that Govinda-gori memsahib story had been done so much better in Hari Om. Hari Om I actually adored: it had all them feels, man. And Vijay Raaz as eponymous Hari Om was charming and endearing; Govinda's Raju was neither.

Anyway, I've been rewatching Delhi Belly on a daily basis now. It's the original (English) version so I understand most of it; the Hindi bits I figure out by putting together the words I do understand and the context. The more I rewatch it, the more I understand. But, the more I rewatch it, the more my suspicion that Imran Khan might just be the weakest actor of the whole cast deepens. (I think his cursing was quite unconvincing. Are there actually people on earth who DON'T swear daily?! The dude who cursed most fluently was Nitin of "when a donkey fucks a rickshaw na, this is what you get"!)

I also realized last night who the Jain landlord (Paresh Ganatra) reminded me of: Vinny from My Cousin Vinny (Joe Pesci)!

My newest earworms!

Read (& Flicks) of the Month: December

With all that DVD-watching, it's a wonder at all I can finish reading one book. And that, of course, is even Bollywood-related.

Reads of the month:

• Bollywood: A Guidebook to Popular Hindi Cinema by Tejaswini Ganti. I've also started on 100 Bollywood Films by Rachel Dwyer, and I plan to read it quite thoroughly. (On a side note: OMG I WANT TO BE RACHEL DWYER. I WANT TO WATCH HINDI FILMS AND RESEARCH AND WRITE ABOUT THEM FOR MY JOB!!!) I also started on The Brothers Cabal which I like and must try to finish somehow. In between all those DVDs and streaming flicks.
• Pyongyang: A Journey in North Korea by Guy Delisle
• Shenzhen: A Travelogue from China by Guy Delisle

Flicks of the month:

• The Ghost Writer — I swear I didn't know it was a Polanski flick; wouldn't have even touched it otherwise.
• Maleficent — couldn't finish watching ... -_-
• (500) Days of Summer
• My Name is Khan
• Taare Zameen Par
• Vicky Donor (a rewatch)
• and the DVDs I'd bought ...

A Fucking Filthy NYE 2014

So, it's NYE and what do I do? Left the office for Little India for MORE DVDS!

I was hoping to get Delhi Belly, Krazzy 4, and Luv Shuv Tey Chicken Khurana; I bought instead Dedh Ishqiya, Salaam-e-Ishq, and Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na ... which made me realize all those trips with lists of DVDs in hand and unable to find a single damn title? Why not just go with the flow? Select titles from the DVDs on the shelf, not trekking to and fro for a single title only to finally settle for a copy of dubious origins. Note to self: Go with the flow, girl, go with the fucking flow.

In any case, the Universe hath provided. I'm streaming Delhi Belly (thank you anonymous uploader!) and it's FUCKING HILARIOUS!

Like, I'd loved Kevin Smith's older flicks (from Clerks to Dogma; and later, Clerks II and Zack and Miri Make a Porno), and Delhi Belly seems to be something Smith would write, had he written Hindi flicks. (Of course, Smith's Delhi Belly would have waaaaay more fuck/fucker/fuckings, chut/chutiyas, bhenchods, and really, really inspired cussing.) The Nitin character (played wickedly well by Kunaal Roy Kapur) reminds me of Brodie. Holy shit, I think if I'd been just a little less disciplined, that would've been my student flat — I might've been Nitin in a different life ... =|

To me, Delhi Belly is prolly the best comic flick to have come out of "Bollywood". It's smart, it's dirty, and there's isn't a character I don't adore! From Vir Das to Vijay Raaz, they were all kickass (but hands-down favorite is Kunaal Roy Kapur)! I'm so glad this is my first Imran Khan flick and that he played his role wonderfully. And Shenaz Treasurywala and Poorna Jagannathan — why have I not seen them in movies more often? And in BIGGER roles?

LAWD, I haven't laughed so hard, so much, and so insanely since ... who knows when! Can't wait to get my hands on a proper original copy of this!!

Please please please please please produce more such movies, Abhinay Deo/Hindi film industry/Aamir Khan Productions!!!

May 2015 be as hilarious, filthy, and straight-up WICKED FUCKING AWESOME! (Also, I hope to finally catch up on the last decade or so that I'd missed of Hindi movies.)

Chand Ka Tukda

The first time I saw Sonakshi Sinha's face (prolly a still from Lootera I reckon — can't really recall), she reminded me of Madhubala in Mughal-e-Azam at the moment Anarkali lifted her veil:

I know they don't look alike (do they?) and I don't quite know why Sonakshi's face reminded me of Madhubala, but it was the first time I felt I understood what it meant to describe a woman's face as a piece of moon (ugh, how clunky it sounds in English). There's nothing more luminous, more breathtaking, more exquisite.

Look at her! Just look. Her face is one that poets compose poetry and lyrics in praise of!

I think she'll look completely at home in a period drama involving courtesans (I haven't seen any of her films though so I really hope she can act at least half as well as she is beautiful) — maybe another remake of Umrao Jaan? (They've ruined it enough by casting the beauty queen in the 2006 remake anyway.) BUT LEAVE PAKEEZAH THE FUCK ALONE. There is only one Pakeezah, only one Meena Kumari.

Speaking of Meena Kumari, look at the beaut of a compilation showing up on my YouTube feed — it's fucking gorgeous and the perfect way to end the work week!

No 2 States About It

It's become less often these days that songs from a movie I watched infiltrated my mind as earworms, so the fact that 2 States with its 'Mast Magan' managed to do that surprised me. 'Mast Magan' is the new song on repeat!

Also, I think I really liked it. The story was interesting, the actors are mostly awesome (I thought Alia Bhatt looked 15, but who can hold her baby face against her?), and the songs are mostly decent. I found the second half of the film a bit draggy, but it's a happy ending! It's gonna to be one of those shows I will keep rewatching (as soon as I get my hands on a DVD copy) — minus the break-up and post-break-up moping. Also, wow, Ronit Roy is fucking gorgeous!

2 States was what I kept thinking when I was watching Shuddh Desi Romance (of which ending I liked more than the entire flick). With the exception of Rishi Kapoor's character pushing the marriage agenda, who else is pressuring the lead characters to marry? Why on earth would Sushant Singh Rajput's (SSR) character feel compelled to propose? I DON'T GET IT.

The ending I get though. Straight people and marriage ... Eh, whatevs. I find the thought of straight (strait, ha!) marriage pointless, save for economic, financial, and legal reasons. So, you don't wanna marry? Then don't. Why agree to marriage only to run away from your own wedding? All I can think about was: OH NOES ALL THAT WASTED FOOD/RESOURCES PUT INTO SETTING UP THE WEDDING, etc.

Also, comparing the characters Arjun Kapoor and SSR each essayed, I must prefer the former. The latter looked (to me) for most of the movie confused and indecisive. OF COURSE PARI'S GONNA DUMP YOUR SORRY ASS, YOU RECREANT. So Arjun Kapoor's character gets props for his perseverance in the face of all those obstacles, especially mom.

Vaani Kapoor is gorgeous! And can act! I hope she does more Hindi movies soon!!

So: new earworm replacing 'Barfi':

Soan Papdi & Movies

We got to go home at 1 pm so I went straight back to Little India! Found two of the titles I'd shortlisted specially for this outing (Parineeta and Shuddh Desi Romance) then had a wicked delish lunch of fish dum biryani at Anjappar before looking for the other two shortlisted titles.

In the end, I went into a little shop that sold CDs and DVDs as well as ... bangles. They apparently have the two titles I was searching for — Wake Up Sid and Tanu Weds Manu — but I've been suspicious that the Wake Up Sid DVD is a pirate. I don't trust little stores like these but they remembered me from last Saturday and the title I was searching for then (Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge) and told me they could order it for me, so just write down the title and your phone number. Now, on hindsight, I suspect they might just pirate it for me ... =( I DON'T WANT A PIRATED COPY DAMNIT.

Anyway, when I got home (with two pieces of soan papdi!) I figured I had seven titles to choose from (four plus three from last Saturday) but I chose instead to watch 2 States on YouTube. 2 States was very good! (And also I can cross Alia Bhatt and Arjun Kapoor off my list of 'newcomers' to watch, and with Shuddh Desi Romance I can strike off Sushant Singh Rajput.)

So today, my first movie will be RED 2 (thank you YT uploaders!) followed prolly by Aisha, OMG: Oh My God, Don 2, or Raat Gayi, Baat Gayi — really, THANK SO MUCH YT UPLOADERS!

Note to self: put Rajat Kapoor-written and/or -directed movies at top of MUST-WATCH list.

Met Geeta for dinner last Saturday, but before that, I went looking for more DVDs. In the end, I bought:

• Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year — you know who I think will be awesome as HP (not that Ranbir Kapoor wasn't good in this)? Ayushmann Khurrana. Khurrana would've made a wicked awesome Harpreet Singh Bedi. Also, this is prolly a show I'll be watching over and over again.
• Band Baaja Baaraat — Ranveer Singh and Anushka Sharma looked sho shweet together. I wonder, though, whether she had to wear flats in the entire show because they didn't want her towering over Singh? I also worry that Anuskha Sharma might turn out to be a one-note actor (meaning she emotes in the exact same manner in every single movie, like SRK, like Amisha Patel, like so many other actors ...), but I'll decide after PK and Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi.
• Sunday — why did I buy such a show (and a Rohit Shetty one at that ...)? Cuz I'd thought Ajay Devgn and Arshad Warsi would be great together. But the best bit of this crap show was actually Irrfan Khan. Man, I hope he does more comic roles in the future!
• Fashion (not watched yet)
• Teri Meri Kahani (not watched yet, but I have no high hopes for this — I just wanted a light, brain-free romcom)
• Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (same — not watched, just wanted brain-free rom-com).

So, I still couldn't find Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge nor Wake Up Sid. SO FRUSTRATING.

Also watched The Ghost Writer (didn't realize it was Polanski film — I would NEVER have watched it otherwise — Hollywood and the Indian film industry should STOP being rape apologists) and tried to watch Maleficent. Tried. It's just not very engrossing ...

Day of Doctors

So, yesterday, I went to the doctor's so he could tell me all about my blood tests results and the ultrasound. As it turned out, "autoimmune thyroiditis" and "cyst". A tiny cyst — like 0.4 x 0.6 x 0.6 cm or something — but thyroid glands otherwise not overly swollen. The blood tests were worse — there were four tests for four antibodies/T4/T3 whatchamacallits were all from five to over 10 percent over or under the normal range. It's pills for me to control the things attacking the other things, then a review of the dosage in two months' time, and pills pills pill for another 22 months before a check up to see whether I'd gone into remission or not. Even if I did go into remission, chances of my relapsing is higher than my chances of remission. Joy.

Also, close to midnight, I had an accident with solid metal Ganesha. Ended up with a really large and ugly bump on my forehead. A&E at around 1 a.m. to make sure there was no concussion. Ganesha weighed at least 800 gm ...

Anyway. I've been listening to 'Barfi' every day, on repeat. It makes me sooooo happy and I forget shit. Better than drugs and alcohol!

Listen to Barfi from Barfi on Saavn

Holy Shit

A very rough couple of days with possibly more to come.

If you like violence so much, why don't you just kill the fuck outta each other?

Then again those walking assholes don't have two brain cells to rub together, do why am I expecting them to behave rationally?

I'm just so angry at what's happening in Peshawar. At least that idiot in Sydney provided a bit of laughter (at his stupidity and incompetence).

Going to bury my head in Bollywood movies to erase my own violent fantasies of going crazyinsane medieval on those goat-fucking kachra.