Have been thinking about how Kurt was talking about how he has a playlist based on 'Defying Gravity', and I think I need one too ('ये होंसला' is definitely gonna be on that playlist).

It's all about keeping your spirits up.

Because, sometimes, a little down is way deeper down than you realize.

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(Damnit. Focalization. Narration. Homo-intra-diegetic narrating agent. Character-bound focalizer. I'm just blogging, for fuck's sakes. You stupid terms and typology keep the fuck outta my head when I'm doing private stuff!)

Have been meaning to post this because I found it just Fucking Hilarious, but I kept forgetting to snap the picture. And when I finally did remember to (one evening on our way to pick up our order from Hell's), it was dark and my cellphone's camera takes shitty shots at night.

Then, I found it online:

I've just noticed I turn to Hindi (especially filmi) music for solace.

Found myself craving a listen of Kunal Ganjawalla's 'छोड़ो न मुझे' which had somehow starting playing in my head a couple of days ago. Only last night did I realize my subconscious prolly picked this song from my mental music library on the basis of its title and lyrics (as Hindi is still a foreign language to me, I'm perfectly capable of just listening to songs without full or even partial comprehension). The melody prolly played a part too, since my subconsious picked the slow version over the perky one and insisted specifically that the track should be the one from My Brother Nikhil rather than the one from Rules (though it's basically the same track).



Am also listening to Shafqat Amanat Ali Khan's 'ये होंसला' (from Dor) in an effort to keep my spirits up. The lyrics are wonderfully encouraging.

यह हौन्सला कैसे झुके,
How can this courage bend
यह आरज़ू कैसे रुके
How can this desire stop

मंजिल मुश्किल तो क्या,
So what if the goal is difficult
धुन्धला साहिल तो क्या,
So what if the shore is hazy
तनहा ये दिल तो क्या
So what if this heart is lonely

राह पे कांटे बिखरे अगर,
Even if the paths are strewn with thorns
उसपे तो फिर भी चलना ही है,
Even then you must walk on them
शाम छुपाले सूरज मगर,
The evening hides the sun but
रात को एक दिन ढलना ही है
The night must dim into day

रुत ये टल जायेगी,
This season will end
हिम्मत रंग लाएगी,
Courage will bring color
सुबह फिर आएगी
A new day will then come

यह हौन्सला कैसे झुके,
How can this courage bend
यह आरज़ू कैसे रुके
How can this desire stop

होगी हमें जो रहमत अदा,
If goodwill is granted to us
धूप कटेगी साए तले,
Sunlight will remove the shadows below
अपनी खुदा से है ये दुआ,
I have this prayer of my god
मंज़िल लगाले हमको गले
May our goals embrace us

जुर्रत सौ बार रहे,
Let courage remain a hundred time
ऊँचा इकरार रहे,
Let promises remain sublime
जिंदा हर प्यार रहे
Let every love remain alive

यह हौन्सला कैसे झुके,
How can this courage bend
यह आरज़ू कैसे रुके
How can this desire stop

(This translation is a mixture of what I've found online and my own clunky - literal - translation.)

I've been schlepping to and from the dungeon - that's what I call level 0 of the school library (and it's a creepy place) - and today I finally stopped and saw and shot:











It is a little pretty.

This installation was put in some time in the four years I was away. C told me it was there to prevent further suicide attempts after some poor soul jumped down (the library has levels 0 to 9) and died.

Moral of the story: well, you never know when prettiness has its roots in the morbid.

The next are all shots of the girls' room:

a sticker above the mirror, L1 Rankine Brown

These are all from the inside of the doors of all three cubicles in the Old Kirk ground-level girls' room:



























There used to be so much more of these scribbling in the girls' rooms of Kirk and Cotton, but when I used them this year, I was disappointed to find everything scrubbed away. The cubicles in Kirk level 2 (I think) were especially awesome. I could sit in them forever just reading. It's a regular little forum, web 1.0.

I hate to feel so stressed first thing in the morning when I'm alone. It's nearly 09:00 here but, elsewhere in the world, everybody is still slumbering hard, trying to get rested before their day begins.



And, oh boy, you never never feel so quite alone.

Didn't sleep well at all last night; was feeling too anxious about C's trip to MEL today - for which she left at about 04:00 this morning.

Must be the stress of my stupid (stupid because I'M stupid and fail to comprehend the slightest thing I read and am meant to do) LING research project. Am due to see my lecturer about it later at 09:15 before our 10:00 class. I have a feeling she won't be of much help.

So ... my chest feels weird, and my heart feels like it's just pumpingpumpingpumping way too fast. And this is before even my first cuppa.

=(

This will be a terrible day. And when I freak out, I don't have C to calm me down.

=((

Therefore, I must CALM. DOWN.

=(((

Sigh.

Not so much the end of the year as the end of the holidays, I say: back to school on Tues. Sigh.

This year-end break just flew by, but then it was just two weeks long, wasn't it? Most of the first week was spent in the upper north and west of the North Island (C documented our road trip from Auckland to Waiheke Island to Hamilton to Rotorua and, finally, to New Plymouth); the second week was spent in recuperation. It was honestly tiring, and prolly more so for C (who drove) than for me (the passenger).

So. Next week onwards: I've got 1 presentation, 1 abstract, and 2 research essays. I can't wait to STOP STUDYING.

How will 2010 bode?

Have been waking up disoriented since last week; it's the dreams I've been having, I think. They're mostly about dance and pole and dance studios and pole-mates.

I hope doing the exercises my physiotherapist recommends will translate to a more flexible back. I'd love to be able to touch my toes to my ears when I do a bird-nest.

But I'm having a rather bad relationship with my body right now: I don't like the way it looks. Something's gotta give; or something's gotta change.

The doc - a very pretty and young thing - said the numbness has nothing to do with my lower-back (something I'd've known had I bothered to google it), but might be attributed to a low B12 and/or folate(?) level in my blood. Or something. So I've to go get my blood tested again. Sigh.

Then she recommended I go to the physiotherapist to have my lower-back ache checked out. Luckily for me, there were available time-slots when I went to make an appointment, so I saw the first physiotherapist I've ever seen in my entire life yesterday.

He had clammy hands (yucks), and told me I have very poor range in bending backwards. So there's an exercise I need to be doing (10 sets of 6 reps daily) to loosen up that specific muscle. And I'm due back next Tue, hopefully with some improvement (if I faithfully do the exercise like I'm supposed to).

Honestly, the possibility of a more flexible back is exciting me. I want to be able to touch my toes to my ears again!

Well. Finally made an appointment to see a doctor at Student Health.

... but I feel a little better now, really. Except for the fatigue. Or maybe it's just lack of sleep. Tiredness. We'll need to sleep earlier.

My dad will be dropping in for the next two days. Where to go, what to see? Welly's so boring. Sigh.

Health-wise, this has been one fucking crappy week. Yes, I'm convinced there's something wrong (but, again, I am a bit of a hypochondriac). I'm making an appointment to see the doc next week, after my period ends (started on Friday), and because my lower back pain always escalates during my period, I'll wait to see if all (or most) of my problems would disappear once my period ends.

Today, I've a tight chest (which I suspect is caffeine-induced) - and still do - and the vague numbness has migrated from my left little finger to my right upper arm. In addition, both arms suffer from twinges despite the fact that I'd skipped my silks class yesterday; am also feeling light-headed, but I suspect it's my blood loss.

Growing old really sucks balls. Seriously.

Gotta go home and see my doc. And, one of the first things I'm going to do when I get back home will be to see Desmond about removing that microdermal. I think I'm past the piercings (but not the ink).

Looping Handel's 'Lascia ch'io pianga' (from Farinelli OST) and 'Ombra mai fu' (from Cecilia Bartoli's Sacrificium; free download available at NPR). Lovely.

So. By the time I finished up the draft of one part of my research essay, it was about 02:30. I tossed and turned in bed til about 03:00 then finally gave in and popped an Actifed (it's a drowsy formula).

I set my alarm for 08:30 because I had to see my supervisor at 10:30 this morning, but I woke all on my own at 06:57.

God. What's wrong?

Took a quick stock of my life as I was in the shower, and I realized I haven't been pain-free ... since 2004. (And by 'pain' I meant lower back pain.) How could I have spent 5 years in pain and ... not realized it? I mean, I am cognizant of the pain, every waking moment - and some days are worse than others - but because I still do the stuff I want to do, whether I am in pain or not, I've learned to relegate it to the periphery of my consciousness; it's become the niggling ache I can - at best - ignore.

That's just not done. Not anymore.

I'm going home. And once I'm home, I'm going to my doctor's and ask silly little questions (which I'll now google about) about my back and all my joints.

Right now, I'll work on cutting down on my sugar intake (which will be tough, because I've been mainlining sugar since I was in pigstails) because I think it might be interferring with my ability to concentrate. (I'm guessing it's sugar as a second choice; my first would be just plain disinterest.)

I'm going to take up pilates to work on my core muscles in the hope that a stronger core will take the stress - and therefore pain - off my lower back.

Also, I've been thinking lately of taking up jazz. Again. If I do start jazz (again), I'll make bloody sure to stick with it this time.

Had my ME exam yesterday. Boy did I tank, but man am I glad to be done with that. I'd been indirectly stressed out by it the whole of last week - mainly because I knew I should be studying but couldn't be arsed which guilt-tripped me heavily. Since I've been watching House lately, I wondered last night as to the purpose of guilt: what is the purpose of guilt?

I'd been studying here and there, but yesterday, before my paper, I found an interesting debate which I just had to see in full before I headed out, the motion being: The Catholic Church is a force for good in the world.


(The rest of the debate here.)

It is, I feel, a skewed debate as one side has more intelligence than the other. (Also: ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTIONS, DAMNIT! Don't squirm and deflect and pretend ignorance in order not to answer questions you don't like. I can see the squirming despite the glare of light off your thick, thick chain and big, big ring.)

Disclaimer: I <3 Stephen Fry; I've been looking up to him (metaphorically) since I was 16, and should I ever meet him in person ... I'll still be looking up to him (literally).