Watching you sleep

... but it's Crash Day, and this Thursday child has far to traverse - in Dreaming.

Over and out.

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here



Had a manic-depressive sorta day.

First thing in this morning, I found Christine, my favoritest lecturer, had done more than I expected her to when I sent her that tentative email yesterday: I found threads of emails she sent to various lecturers on my behalf. She seems genuinely excited and enthusiatic about my honors program - more so than me, I have to admit. But - it's infectious, so let's hope it stays that way with me.

Then I got depressed, and went to work on my sorely neglected database.

But Mephisto came in, was in a feisty mood, and chewed two heads off not long after stepping in. Me, it was all I could do to keep from laughing hysterically. When his wrath isn't on me, I found it amusing - entertaining, even.

I must be ticklish around him today, 'cuz everything he said made me chortle. What's not to love?

Then I got depressed, again ...

The sound of you sleeping

All righty.

Maybe it's time for that haircut ...

Frank Zappa - 'Watermelon in Easter Hay'

Album: Y Tu Mamá También OST



I find myself in the unusual and strange position of being depressed yet determined.

Not quite sure what to make of it ... Though, it comes, it prolly goes.

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER. Joe has just worked himself into an imaginary frenzy during the fade-out of his imaginary song. He begins to feel depressed now. He knows the end is near. He has realized at last that imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals exist only in the mind of the imaginer. And ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway?! Excuse me. Who gives a fuck anyway? So he goes back to his ugly little room and quietly dreams his last imaginary guitar solo.

The sound of you sleeping

I sense I'm getting sucked into a vortex of anxiety - or, more probably, up my own ass from chasing my tail - and feeling stressed. I want to not get trapped in that anxiety, but I don't know how.

It's like you're about to step onto a bridge and just happened to look down ... and realized how deep and wide the chasm is, and how rickety the bridge is. If you want to make it across the bridge, you'll need courage: Focus on the other side while avoiding looking down - or you'll lose heart, balance, and focus, and fall.

All the way down ...

No safety net.

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here



Yesterday, Maple told me I have "nice lines" - whatever that means - and that I should enter the competition. I'm still in two minds about this matter. I just don't have the time to come up with a choreo and practise it.

... But I would like to have the experience.

Maybe I should think about a public performance before I think about competitions.



Somehow I love this song. It makes me fucking depressed (though not more so than the other Pink Floyd tracks, especially those from the boss's favored The Final Cut) and Roger Waters is a poet. These lines are killer:

We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have you found
The same old fears
Wish you were here

In the office, I loop this song and 'Watermelon in Easter Hay' on my mp3 player daily.

Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'

Album: Who's Got Trouble



Mephisto must be getting to me.

Today, having trouble getting the brass monkey (after visualizing it, breaking it down, and asking Geri for advice), I was ready to give up.

But since I can be very stubborn when I want to, I decided to give it one solid last try before putting the trick aside for next week. As I positioned and prepped myself for the kick-up, my boss's oft-repeated (Jedi) belief appeared out of nowhere in my head.

So I didn't try. I inhaled, then kicked up and went perfectly into brass monkey with none of those unslightly adjustments and repositionings. PERFECTLY. I was amazed.

Indeed, "there's no try".

I have my boss (and Yoda) to thank for helping me nail the brass monkey.

The sound of you sleeping

Am extremely tired, but felt better since Mephisto is back in the office; either that, or it's because I finally had my period (which started after he left for the day).

And he figured out how to get the two of us to lunch - today, he just told me, "Chicken rice ... 20 minutes."

20 minutes later, we were down in the foodcourt, with him ordering my meal, choosing the type of chicken (boiled, as opposed to roasted) to the kind of vegetables (leafy greens, as opposed to beansprouts).

Waiting to collect my food, somehow that scene in Secretary where Edward was dictating over the phone as to what Lee should have for dinner flashed in my head ...

NO.

Not what you're thinking.

At all.

=|

The Frames - Star Star (Pure Imagination Melody)

Album: Set List



Tonight, I had an especially clear realization of how spineless and weak-willed I am exactly. I mean, I've always known that for a fact, but tonight it'd hit me ... just so.

With people I like/love and respect and admire, I'm completely susceptible and don't stand a chance. Twisting my arm is like taking candy from a baby. I suspect it's because I don't want to disappoint them, and I want them to like me and not be upset.

This is so bad ...

=(

The sound of you sleeping

I dreamed last night I was driving. It was scary, because in my dream (as in real life), I didn't know how to drive. All I had was one foot on the accelerator, which I stepped on to go faster, and released to slow down.

It's not having a foot on the brake (not knowing where the brake is!) that was heart-stopping, because that meant I couldn't come to a complete stop; all I could do was steer in attempt to keep from crashing into something - and that too with my lousy spatial judgment.

There's something to be made of this dream ... I'll figure what it means exactly later. Too much in my head right now. Sigh.

Watching you sleep

Oh Goddess, just let me have my period for the month already! I'm way past insufferable now.

And I just bought me a kilo of cookies today! =/

(To be fair, Candy Empire's having a sale, so the 500g bags were going one-for-one at SGD 9.80 each.)

I think maybe I'll try to excuse myself to rush to NZIS to submit my application during lunch tomorrow; Mephisto'll be back in the office on Thursday.

I'm beginning to listen to his favorite music.

Watching you sleep

The lost of momentum is frustrating - one delay leads to another - and now I'm feeling apathetic, can't be arsed. There's a great sense of futility. I've even lost the desire to cut my hair (which is what I promised myself I'll do, either when I submit my visa application, or when I receive my visa). Now I can't care less, even though my hair is starting to get really unmanageable.

Krezip - 'That'll Be Me'

Album: Days Like This



Today, we tried the crane drop again, and was taught the brass monkey. I'm not getting either, but, with the brass monkey, I might get it faster than the former.

On the brighter side, it's nice to have challenges in pole again. Mephisto objects to the concept of "challenges" though, because, he said, if something is a challenge to you, then you're allowing for the possiblity of failure, and when you even entertain the thought of failing in that endeavor, you'd've failed. He might be right - I didn't get either trick in my first attempt - but I also think I didn't succeed because I was scared.

Received the registration form for the pole competition today. (Should I join?) Tonight, I started putting together my exotic choreo, which is interesting - it's like parsing a convoluted sentence, or fixing a jigsaw puzzle.

Watching you sleep

I'm sorry you woke up at the ungodly hour of 04:45 to listen to me rant about my day at work.

PMS-ing during the full-moon is doubly bad. Intellectually, I can see I'm somehow magnifying the tiniest, inconsequential things into overwrought operas of the Wagnerian kind; but emotionally, psychologically, I'm unable to control myself.

Even worse when my paperweight isn't around.

So I'm feeling hurt and disappointed and very, very guilt-ridden - among other things.

I wonder if it would've been better if I hadn't taken up this job in the first place ...