Oye.

My back - it fucking hurts, and I can't bend over without whimpering.

It's that time of the month again when my uterus starts throwing tantrums like a two year old, fists banging and legs kicking, so that I feel as old and bloated as a geriatric whale.

And its partner in crime - the brain - keeps screaming to EAT MORE CHOCOLATE. MOOOOOARRRRR!

Seriously.

I only wish this were a parody of the effects of menstruation, but, alas, that stereotype is true.

I should start seeking out and listening to new music again.

My old darlings, I hope you're all still out there, and have not been (forced to or otherwise) shut down. I miss you, and I'm coming!

Other than watching Tough Love, I also got C hooked on Tool Academy. Tool Academy is Tough Love for men ... except - waitaminute! - can men really change?

It appears they can! And it's hysterical watching these jock-clowns tear, weep, and plea their way to conjugal nights and USD 100,000. (Could Tool Academy be a twenty-first century interpretation of Lysistrata? Maybe!)

And their nicknames, they're hilarious! Matsuflex? What's that supposed to be - a vacuum cleaner?!

Finally, the cherry on top of the icing: homoerotic sexiness!

I hope we get The Pickup Artist on free-to-air telly soon!

Mon 17 May 2010

10:55 - leftover jambalaya, and black coffee. (I'd been munching on caramel popcorn prior.)

Dearest Inconsiderate-Fuckers-Who-Live-Upstairs:

Is there a reason for the innumerable and inexplicable loud bumps and thuds to our ceiling (aka your floor)?

Are you hunters? Butchers? Taxidermists? Wrestlers? Axe murderers?

Do you have OCD that compels you to move your furniture around every day?

Would you mind if I snuck up one night and peed all over your front door? Don't worry, I'll also be sure to leave a nice big steaming pile of Number Twos in your mailbox.

You're very much welcome.



Yours faithfully,

Guess-Who-Wishes-For-Much-Stabbitystabstab-Action-On-Your-Hobbit-Feet

Sun 16 May 2010

11:31 - Vita-Weats with onion dip, multigrain toast with Nutella and red plum jam, and black coffee.

It's PMS. I know it's PMS.

It's because I crave chocolate, and am feeling mopey and why-bother-it-sucks-and-I-suck-more.

I also have random thoughts about stuff I should be doing, stuff I want to be doing, stuff I think I can do, and stuff I just know I can't do - why am I so useless, NO I'M NOT! - stuff I should be doing.

Also: how to move furniture around the flat so the flat looks even smaller?

Sat 15 May 2010

10:31 - multigrain toast with Nutella and red plum jam, and black coffee.

So eventually it will get to the point where you're bored and maybe a leeetle depressed and unconsciously begin to engage in destructive behaviors.

Like eating. And eating. And eating. And eating.

Even then, you get bored of eating. And eating. And eating. And eating.

And you think about how else to spend money.

Like ONLINE SHOPPING.

Thu 13 May 2010

09:27 - English muffin with egg and shredded chicken (sprinkled with Cajun seasoning), and black coffee.

I persuaded C to watch Tough Love (season 2) with me last night.

It's a sexist and misogynist 'reality' show hosted by an obnoxious assface from Philly who seems to hate all women except HIS MOMMY DEAREST, showcasing single women (some HOT, some VERY NOT; some sane, some not; all with issues that make us human - except when exhibited by said women, in which case such issues are CLEARLY WOMAN PROBLEMS from which said women must be cleansed of to be Stafford Wives for the heaven-sent gifts to woman-kind that are MEN).

Or, more aptly:





It's addictively trashy.

Tue 11 May 2010

10:12 - English muffin halves with red plum jam, and black coffee.

09:59 - multigrain toast (PBH, and margarine and kaya). Coffee with milk (ugh).

10:48 - English muffin halves with red plum jam, and black coffee.