I sense I'm getting sucked into a vortex of anxiety - or, more probably, up my own ass from chasing my tail - and feeling stressed. I want to not get trapped in that anxiety, but I don't know how.
It's like you're about to step onto a bridge and just happened to look down ... and realized how deep and wide the chasm is, and how rickety the bridge is. If you want to make it across the bridge, you'll need courage: Focus on the other side while avoiding looking down - or you'll lose heart, balance, and focus, and fall.
All the way down ...
No safety net.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'
Album: Wish You Were Here
Yesterday, Maple told me I have "nice lines" - whatever that means - and that I should enter the competition. I'm still in two minds about this matter. I just don't have the time to come up with a choreo and practise it.
... But I would like to have the experience.
Maybe I should think about a public performance before I think about competitions.
Somehow I love this song. It makes me fucking depressed (though not more so than the other Pink Floyd tracks, especially those from the boss's favored The Final Cut) and Roger Waters is a poet. These lines are killer:
In the office, I loop this song and 'Watermelon in Easter Hay' on my mp3 player daily.
Yesterday, Maple told me I have "nice lines" - whatever that means - and that I should enter the competition. I'm still in two minds about this matter. I just don't have the time to come up with a choreo and practise it.
... But I would like to have the experience.
Maybe I should think about a public performance before I think about competitions.
Somehow I love this song. It makes me fucking depressed (though not more so than the other Pink Floyd tracks, especially those from the boss's favored The Final Cut) and Roger Waters is a poet. These lines are killer:
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have you found
The same old fears
Wish you were here
In the office, I loop this song and 'Watermelon in Easter Hay' on my mp3 player daily.
Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'
Album: Who's Got Trouble
Mephisto must be getting to me.
Today, having trouble getting the brass monkey (after visualizing it, breaking it down, and asking Geri for advice), I was ready to give up.
But since I can be very stubborn when I want to, I decided to give it one solid last try before putting the trick aside for next week. As I positioned and prepped myself for the kick-up, my boss's oft-repeated (Jedi) belief appeared out of nowhere in my head.
So I didn't try. I inhaled, then kicked up and went perfectly into brass monkey with none of those unslightly adjustments and repositionings. PERFECTLY. I was amazed.
Indeed, "there's no try".
I have my boss (and Yoda) to thank for helping me nail the brass monkey.
Mephisto must be getting to me.
Today, having trouble getting the brass monkey (after visualizing it, breaking it down, and asking Geri for advice), I was ready to give up.
But since I can be very stubborn when I want to, I decided to give it one solid last try before putting the trick aside for next week. As I positioned and prepped myself for the kick-up, my boss's oft-repeated (Jedi) belief appeared out of nowhere in my head.
So I didn't try. I inhaled, then kicked up and went perfectly into brass monkey with none of those unslightly adjustments and repositionings. PERFECTLY. I was amazed.
Indeed, "there's no try".
I have my boss (and Yoda) to thank for helping me nail the brass monkey.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
The sound of you sleeping
Am extremely tired, but felt better since Mephisto is back in the office; either that, or it's because I finally had my period (which started after he left for the day).
And he figured out how to get the two of us to lunch - today, he just told me, "Chicken rice ... 20 minutes."
20 minutes later, we were down in the foodcourt, with him ordering my meal, choosing the type of chicken (boiled, as opposed to roasted) to the kind of vegetables (leafy greens, as opposed to beansprouts).
Waiting to collect my food, somehow that scene in Secretary where Edward was dictating over the phone as to what Lee should have for dinner flashed in my head ...
NO.
Not what you're thinking.
At all.
=|
And he figured out how to get the two of us to lunch - today, he just told me, "Chicken rice ... 20 minutes."
20 minutes later, we were down in the foodcourt, with him ordering my meal, choosing the type of chicken (boiled, as opposed to roasted) to the kind of vegetables (leafy greens, as opposed to beansprouts).
Waiting to collect my food, somehow that scene in Secretary where Edward was dictating over the phone as to what Lee should have for dinner flashed in my head ...
NO.
Not what you're thinking.
At all.
=|
The Frames - Star Star (Pure Imagination Melody)
Album: Set List
Tonight, I had an especially clear realization of how spineless and weak-willed I am exactly. I mean, I've always known that for a fact, but tonight it'd hit me ... just so.
With people I like/love and respect and admire, I'm completely susceptible and don't stand a chance. Twisting my arm is like taking candy from a baby. I suspect it's because I don't want to disappoint them, and I want them to like me and not be upset.
This is so bad ...
=(
Tonight, I had an especially clear realization of how spineless and weak-willed I am exactly. I mean, I've always known that for a fact, but tonight it'd hit me ... just so.
With people I like/love and respect and admire, I'm completely susceptible and don't stand a chance. Twisting my arm is like taking candy from a baby. I suspect it's because I don't want to disappoint them, and I want them to like me and not be upset.
This is so bad ...
=(
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The sound of you sleeping
I dreamed last night I was driving. It was scary, because in my dream (as in real life), I didn't know how to drive. All I had was one foot on the accelerator, which I stepped on to go faster, and released to slow down.
It's not having a foot on the brake (not knowing where the brake is!) that was heart-stopping, because that meant I couldn't come to a complete stop; all I could do was steer in attempt to keep from crashing into something - and that too with my lousy spatial judgment.
There's something to be made of this dream ... I'll figure what it means exactly later. Too much in my head right now. Sigh.
It's not having a foot on the brake (not knowing where the brake is!) that was heart-stopping, because that meant I couldn't come to a complete stop; all I could do was steer in attempt to keep from crashing into something - and that too with my lousy spatial judgment.
There's something to be made of this dream ... I'll figure what it means exactly later. Too much in my head right now. Sigh.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Watching you sleep
Oh Goddess, just let me have my period for the month already! I'm way past insufferable now.
And I just bought me a kilo of cookies today! =/
(To be fair, Candy Empire's having a sale, so the 500g bags were going one-for-one at SGD 9.80 each.)
I think maybe I'll try to excuse myself to rush to NZIS to submit my application during lunch tomorrow; Mephisto'll be back in the office on Thursday.
I'm beginning to listen to his favorite music.
And I just bought me a kilo of cookies today! =/
(To be fair, Candy Empire's having a sale, so the 500g bags were going one-for-one at SGD 9.80 each.)
I think maybe I'll try to excuse myself to rush to NZIS to submit my application during lunch tomorrow; Mephisto'll be back in the office on Thursday.
I'm beginning to listen to his favorite music.
Watching you sleep
The lost of momentum is frustrating - one delay leads to another - and now I'm feeling apathetic, can't be arsed. There's a great sense of futility. I've even lost the desire to cut my hair (which is what I promised myself I'll do, either when I submit my visa application, or when I receive my visa). Now I can't care less, even though my hair is starting to get really unmanageable.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Krezip - 'That'll Be Me'
Album: Days Like This
Today, we tried the crane drop again, and was taught the brass monkey. I'm not getting either, but, with the brass monkey, I might get it faster than the former.
On the brighter side, it's nice to have challenges in pole again. Mephisto objects to the concept of "challenges" though, because, he said, if something is a challenge to you, then you're allowing for the possiblity of failure, and when you even entertain the thought of failing in that endeavor, you'd've failed. He might be right - I didn't get either trick in my first attempt - but I also think I didn't succeed because I was scared.
Received the registration form for the pole competition today. (Should I join?) Tonight, I started putting together my exotic choreo, which is interesting - it's like parsing a convoluted sentence, or fixing a jigsaw puzzle.
Today, we tried the crane drop again, and was taught the brass monkey. I'm not getting either, but, with the brass monkey, I might get it faster than the former.
On the brighter side, it's nice to have challenges in pole again. Mephisto objects to the concept of "challenges" though, because, he said, if something is a challenge to you, then you're allowing for the possiblity of failure, and when you even entertain the thought of failing in that endeavor, you'd've failed. He might be right - I didn't get either trick in my first attempt - but I also think I didn't succeed because I was scared.
Received the registration form for the pole competition today. (Should I join?) Tonight, I started putting together my exotic choreo, which is interesting - it's like parsing a convoluted sentence, or fixing a jigsaw puzzle.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Watching you sleep
I'm sorry you woke up at the ungodly hour of 04:45 to listen to me rant about my day at work.
PMS-ing during the full-moon is doubly bad. Intellectually, I can see I'm somehow magnifying the tiniest, inconsequential things into overwrought operas of the Wagnerian kind; but emotionally, psychologically, I'm unable to control myself.
Even worse when my paperweight isn't around.
So I'm feeling hurt and disappointed and very, very guilt-ridden - among other things.
I wonder if it would've been better if I hadn't taken up this job in the first place ...
PMS-ing during the full-moon is doubly bad. Intellectually, I can see I'm somehow magnifying the tiniest, inconsequential things into overwrought operas of the Wagnerian kind; but emotionally, psychologically, I'm unable to control myself.
Even worse when my paperweight isn't around.
So I'm feeling hurt and disappointed and very, very guilt-ridden - among other things.
I wonder if it would've been better if I hadn't taken up this job in the first place ...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The sound of you sleeping
After the lunch meeting with Jen, Mephisto commented, "She's short for her height!" She got the job, as I knew she would, and I'm pretty sure he likes her.
But, as we were having our expressos, he said, "... but the best would be that you forget your stupid plan to run off to New Zealand ..."
Which is bad.
But the bit that made me feel the worst was when I tried to ask him how he'd like the transition to be (whether he wanted a seamless one, or if he could live with a short gap without a PA), he told me, "I don't believe I care to discuss that."
Then he turned the stereo back on loud and changed the topic to the music blasting from his speakers.
=...(
But, as we were having our expressos, he said, "... but the best would be that you forget your stupid plan to run off to New Zealand ..."
Which is bad.
But the bit that made me feel the worst was when I tried to ask him how he'd like the transition to be (whether he wanted a seamless one, or if he could live with a short gap without a PA), he told me, "I don't believe I care to discuss that."
Then he turned the stereo back on loud and changed the topic to the music blasting from his speakers.
=...(
The sound of you sleeping
(I don't know what I'm looking at!)
So tired.
I must have OCD - I feel really icky when the different parts of my life (which I obsessively keep separate) begins to touch one another ... and, worse, overlap.
I feel so, so icky. I don't like it.
=(
So tired.
I must have OCD - I feel really icky when the different parts of my life (which I obsessively keep separate) begins to touch one another ... and, worse, overlap.
I feel so, so icky. I don't like it.
=(
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The sound of you sleeping
Spent the morning being pissed off at the incompetence of the university. Then, unable to focus on work (being tired and achey), I somehow hit upon the idea to look for the opening titles for old, old telly series I used to watch in the 90s.
... and wouldn't ya know it - Youtube's gotta whole bunch of 'em. Renegade? Highlander? Blossom? I lmao'd at Renegade's opening. (Did I really use to find all these long-haired guys - Lorenzo Lamas, Adrian Paul, Joey Lawrence - cute?)
And older ones: Petticoat Junction? Beverly Hillbillies?
Best nostalgic favorite finds? Fun House! Lady Lovely Locks!
... and wouldn't ya know it - Youtube's gotta whole bunch of 'em. Renegade? Highlander? Blossom? I lmao'd at Renegade's opening. (Did I really use to find all these long-haired guys - Lorenzo Lamas, Adrian Paul, Joey Lawrence - cute?)
And older ones: Petticoat Junction? Beverly Hillbillies?
Best nostalgic favorite finds? Fun House! Lady Lovely Locks!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Watching you sleep
How much longer is the bloody receipt gonna take to arrive? I think I've lost the momentum. Sigh ...
And work is so boring these days. I keep feeling like I'm anticipating a holiday - which sorta makes every day the eve of a holiday ... except it's not - and maybe that's keeping me more relaxed.
But Mephisto wants me to feel even more relaxed - albeit around him, with him. I guess he still hasn't figured out I'd screw up whether I'm highly strung or completely chilled out. Me, I figured I'd rather be on my toes.
And work is so boring these days. I keep feeling like I'm anticipating a holiday - which sorta makes every day the eve of a holiday ... except it's not - and maybe that's keeping me more relaxed.
But Mephisto wants me to feel even more relaxed - albeit around him, with him. I guess he still hasn't figured out I'd screw up whether I'm highly strung or completely chilled out. Me, I figured I'd rather be on my toes.
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