I hate to feel so stressed first thing in the morning when I'm alone. It's nearly 09:00 here but, elsewhere in the world, everybody is still slumbering hard, trying to get rested before their day begins.



And, oh boy, you never never feel so quite alone.

Didn't sleep well at all last night; was feeling too anxious about C's trip to MEL today - for which she left at about 04:00 this morning.

Must be the stress of my stupid (stupid because I'M stupid and fail to comprehend the slightest thing I read and am meant to do) LING research project. Am due to see my lecturer about it later at 09:15 before our 10:00 class. I have a feeling she won't be of much help.

So ... my chest feels weird, and my heart feels like it's just pumpingpumpingpumping way too fast. And this is before even my first cuppa.

=(

This will be a terrible day. And when I freak out, I don't have C to calm me down.

=((

Therefore, I must CALM. DOWN.

=(((

Sigh.

Not so much the end of the year as the end of the holidays, I say: back to school on Tues. Sigh.

This year-end break just flew by, but then it was just two weeks long, wasn't it? Most of the first week was spent in the upper north and west of the North Island (C documented our road trip from Auckland to Waiheke Island to Hamilton to Rotorua and, finally, to New Plymouth); the second week was spent in recuperation. It was honestly tiring, and prolly more so for C (who drove) than for me (the passenger).

So. Next week onwards: I've got 1 presentation, 1 abstract, and 2 research essays. I can't wait to STOP STUDYING.

How will 2010 bode?

Have been waking up disoriented since last week; it's the dreams I've been having, I think. They're mostly about dance and pole and dance studios and pole-mates.

I hope doing the exercises my physiotherapist recommends will translate to a more flexible back. I'd love to be able to touch my toes to my ears when I do a bird-nest.

But I'm having a rather bad relationship with my body right now: I don't like the way it looks. Something's gotta give; or something's gotta change.

The doc - a very pretty and young thing - said the numbness has nothing to do with my lower-back (something I'd've known had I bothered to google it), but might be attributed to a low B12 and/or folate(?) level in my blood. Or something. So I've to go get my blood tested again. Sigh.

Then she recommended I go to the physiotherapist to have my lower-back ache checked out. Luckily for me, there were available time-slots when I went to make an appointment, so I saw the first physiotherapist I've ever seen in my entire life yesterday.

He had clammy hands (yucks), and told me I have very poor range in bending backwards. So there's an exercise I need to be doing (10 sets of 6 reps daily) to loosen up that specific muscle. And I'm due back next Tue, hopefully with some improvement (if I faithfully do the exercise like I'm supposed to).

Honestly, the possibility of a more flexible back is exciting me. I want to be able to touch my toes to my ears again!

Well. Finally made an appointment to see a doctor at Student Health.

... but I feel a little better now, really. Except for the fatigue. Or maybe it's just lack of sleep. Tiredness. We'll need to sleep earlier.

My dad will be dropping in for the next two days. Where to go, what to see? Welly's so boring. Sigh.

Health-wise, this has been one fucking crappy week. Yes, I'm convinced there's something wrong (but, again, I am a bit of a hypochondriac). I'm making an appointment to see the doc next week, after my period ends (started on Friday), and because my lower back pain always escalates during my period, I'll wait to see if all (or most) of my problems would disappear once my period ends.

Today, I've a tight chest (which I suspect is caffeine-induced) - and still do - and the vague numbness has migrated from my left little finger to my right upper arm. In addition, both arms suffer from twinges despite the fact that I'd skipped my silks class yesterday; am also feeling light-headed, but I suspect it's my blood loss.

Growing old really sucks balls. Seriously.

Gotta go home and see my doc. And, one of the first things I'm going to do when I get back home will be to see Desmond about removing that microdermal. I think I'm past the piercings (but not the ink).

Looping Handel's 'Lascia ch'io pianga' (from Farinelli OST) and 'Ombra mai fu' (from Cecilia Bartoli's Sacrificium; free download available at NPR). Lovely.

So. By the time I finished up the draft of one part of my research essay, it was about 02:30. I tossed and turned in bed til about 03:00 then finally gave in and popped an Actifed (it's a drowsy formula).

I set my alarm for 08:30 because I had to see my supervisor at 10:30 this morning, but I woke all on my own at 06:57.

God. What's wrong?

Took a quick stock of my life as I was in the shower, and I realized I haven't been pain-free ... since 2004. (And by 'pain' I meant lower back pain.) How could I have spent 5 years in pain and ... not realized it? I mean, I am cognizant of the pain, every waking moment - and some days are worse than others - but because I still do the stuff I want to do, whether I am in pain or not, I've learned to relegate it to the periphery of my consciousness; it's become the niggling ache I can - at best - ignore.

That's just not done. Not anymore.

I'm going home. And once I'm home, I'm going to my doctor's and ask silly little questions (which I'll now google about) about my back and all my joints.

Right now, I'll work on cutting down on my sugar intake (which will be tough, because I've been mainlining sugar since I was in pigstails) because I think it might be interferring with my ability to concentrate. (I'm guessing it's sugar as a second choice; my first would be just plain disinterest.)

I'm going to take up pilates to work on my core muscles in the hope that a stronger core will take the stress - and therefore pain - off my lower back.

Also, I've been thinking lately of taking up jazz. Again. If I do start jazz (again), I'll make bloody sure to stick with it this time.

Had my ME exam yesterday. Boy did I tank, but man am I glad to be done with that. I'd been indirectly stressed out by it the whole of last week - mainly because I knew I should be studying but couldn't be arsed which guilt-tripped me heavily. Since I've been watching House lately, I wondered last night as to the purpose of guilt: what is the purpose of guilt?

I'd been studying here and there, but yesterday, before my paper, I found an interesting debate which I just had to see in full before I headed out, the motion being: The Catholic Church is a force for good in the world.


(The rest of the debate here.)

It is, I feel, a skewed debate as one side has more intelligence than the other. (Also: ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTIONS, DAMNIT! Don't squirm and deflect and pretend ignorance in order not to answer questions you don't like. I can see the squirming despite the glare of light off your thick, thick chain and big, big ring.)

Disclaimer: I <3 Stephen Fry; I've been looking up to him (metaphorically) since I was 16, and should I ever meet him in person ... I'll still be looking up to him (literally).

Am reading - and liking - this thread on the Blue.

Especially: "New Zealand: Don't expect too much and you'll love it."

Yes, I think the problem this year has been that Welly has fallen way below my expectations in terms of pole and generally dance stuff. I've been less than impressed by the standards here (and I'm not talking about the Royal NZ Ballet).

On the slightly bright side, there's this:


(C has a Beached As T-shirt from Supre!)

... and there's Bro'Town (which makes us laugh even as we choke out, "This is SO. WRONG ... HAHAHAHAHA!")!

Some pictures I found in my cellphone. (Yes, I'm procrastinating; is it obvious?)

Fog over the harbor, some random evening



Sunset from the study window, some random evening


C wanted a picture of this license plate, some random weekend


At the Pak N Sav in Taupo (I thought it was really funny), that weekend in Taupo


From a toilet cubicle in the school library, prolly the one on Level 7, 09/09/09


An adorable window display, possibly from Kirkcaldie & Stains, on that fateful day we decided to have dinner at the very sub-par-next-to-which-any-dingy-ol'-fish n' chips-counter-is-gourmet-dining Long Bar, 09/12/09


Shoes which I would never have worn in Singapore; while waiting for someone to let me into the studio, 09/14/09


Someone at New World Metro can't tell longans apart from lychees, 10/20/09


Really quite in need of spelling - or typing - lessons (possibly both); entrance doors of MacLaurin, just after I finished my ENGL 402 exam, 10/27/09

And just this morning, I got to sit next to Sandy Rankine on the couch as I waited the rain out!

The Icelandic film night at Christine's was rather fun. She and Robert put on Cold Fever, then served freshly made pizzas for dinner. After sliced apples with a sweet cream and a story about St. Swithun (I still don't really get the how the apples and cream are connected to St. Swithun), it was decided that Reykjavik 101 would be screened, which is a film I've been trying to find but Civic Videos just doesn't carry the title.

The films were great; I enjoyed them more than Noi the Albino, which C once rented.

I don't suppose anybody does deadpan humor and understatements better than the Icelanders.

Sigh. Back to work. Research essay. Middle English.

I miss pole.

Old Norse exam next Tue, right off the Labor Weekend, then the Middle English one 2 weeks after that.

Still haven't touched my research essay and it's so bad it should be flushed down the crapper. Literary Linguistics (LING 410) about to start next month, and we're given 4 books to read (Faust, Eric, Cat's Cradle, and What Maisie Knew). I've to go search for them as the lecturer didn't think it necessary to order them in at the uni bookshop. Well, not a bad thing I suppose, as that gives me an excuse to traipse around the second-hand bookstores for used copies. Books here are SO. FUCKING. EXPENSIVE.

But I found a copy of The Collected Dorothy Parker for NZD 10 at Quilters, now happily relocated on Ghuznee, sharing floor-space with milkcrate, so I'll quit bitching about having to source for my own books. For now.

Back to studying. Sigh.