Well. It's gotta happen; better now than when I don't have any of my paperweights and supports around.
Tonight a Cat. 5 ripped right through and I sat for a long time gasping and thumbing through my phonebook. After two runs, I called Jason.
The catalyst ... it's kinda Mephisto (indirectly), but everything else that'd been hanging out in the background for the last few weeks/couple of months had also been snowballing.
The aftermath is just debris.
It's not a bad thing - I don't have the nausea or the gasping anymore - but we'll see about tomorrow.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
After dinner, I watched bits of a local TV station's forty-fifth anniversary anniversary/gala-thingy - a channel I'd watched daily during childhood - so when a retrospective of the all the programs they'd created came up, it was a bit of a stroll down nostalgia lane.
But I realized, while I enjoyed the nostalgia, viewing the passage of time is terrifying for me, and it induced a sudden panic attack and severe case of insecurity.
Because I'm reminded that the passage of time is relentless and merciless, and even though I age with every second, I still feel as helpless and scared and dependent as a child on the inside.
My security blanket of choice: 'The Four Quartets' and 'The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock'.
But I realized, while I enjoyed the nostalgia, viewing the passage of time is terrifying for me, and it induced a sudden panic attack and severe case of insecurity.
Because I'm reminded that the passage of time is relentless and merciless, and even though I age with every second, I still feel as helpless and scared and dependent as a child on the inside.
My security blanket of choice: 'The Four Quartets' and 'The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock'.
Jamie Lidell ft. Jose Gonzales - 'Multiply (In A Minor Key)'
Album: Multiply Additions
My go-to mopey song.
Got a shock in the middle of class today - today's class'll be the last pole class the studio'll conduct until Jan '09; we would receive a voucher for a free class in lieu of the eighth class of our set (today's the seventh). I'm devastated.
Add that to all that stress I'm feeling recently, I'm really quite miserable, but life can only get worse.
Today we were taught the kitty combo and something that sounded like 'Dangerous Brian' but was later renamed inverted hanging angel - managed both easily. At pole prac, a third successful superman-to-chopsticks with Geri supporting.
My go-to mopey song.
Got a shock in the middle of class today - today's class'll be the last pole class the studio'll conduct until Jan '09; we would receive a voucher for a free class in lieu of the eighth class of our set (today's the seventh). I'm devastated.
Add that to all that stress I'm feeling recently, I'm really quite miserable, but life can only get worse.
Today we were taught the kitty combo and something that sounded like 'Dangerous Brian' but was later renamed inverted hanging angel - managed both easily. At pole prac, a third successful superman-to-chopsticks with Geri supporting.
Friday, November 21, 2008
As it turns out, I've been maligning our webmail somewhat, because it's partially my fault that its interface looks so antiquated.
See, Firefox 3 is my default browser, and on Mozilla, the interface is shite (same for Chrome, the other browser I'd downloaded onto my harddrive). But IE 6 (that came with the MS suite installed in my harddrive) - now that's a whole different story.
Had I used IE 6 to access our webmail (which isn't supported by IE 7), then I'd've enjoyed a more up-to-date interface: Hotmail circa early '00.
Paleozoic to Mesozoic is still a step up, no?
See, Firefox 3 is my default browser, and on Mozilla, the interface is shite (same for Chrome, the other browser I'd downloaded onto my harddrive). But IE 6 (that came with the MS suite installed in my harddrive) - now that's a whole different story.
Had I used IE 6 to access our webmail (which isn't supported by IE 7), then I'd've enjoyed a more up-to-date interface: Hotmail circa early '00.
Paleozoic to Mesozoic is still a step up, no?
The entire office is forced to use webmail today because Outlook doesn't work. You wanna know exactly how terrible it is being forced to use the webmail?
Our webmail has an interface and functions slightly worse off than Hotmail circa1998 1996.
That's how bad it is.
And it seems to time-out every other minute that I spend working on my database.
GAAAAAHHHHHHH! Today is pure purgatory!
Addendum (@14:36): WHY CAN'T WE JUST USE GMAIL?! ARGGGGHHHH.
Our webmail has an interface and functions slightly worse off than Hotmail circa
That's how bad it is.
And it seems to time-out every other minute that I spend working on my database.
GAAAAAHHHHHHH! Today is pure purgatory!
Addendum (@14:36): WHY CAN'T WE JUST USE GMAIL?! ARGGGGHHHH.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Skinny - 'Failure'
Album: The Late Lounge presents Boudoir Beats
Good: The guy at the soup shop gave me a half-portion of chicken ham sarnie today (came with corn chips); previously he gave me a half-portion of Waldorf salad. Very nice of him, but the reason I don't order anything with my soup (always the chicken & corn chowder) is that I know I won't be able to finish.
Very bad: Pole prac. Superman-to-chopsticks still no-go; chopsticks-to-superman ... half-go. Brass monkey almost-half-go.
I'm just so tired. And disheartened. I almost wept.
Why have I always been a failure / What can the reason be?
=(
Good: The guy at the soup shop gave me a half-portion of chicken ham sarnie today (came with corn chips); previously he gave me a half-portion of Waldorf salad. Very nice of him, but the reason I don't order anything with my soup (always the chicken & corn chowder) is that I know I won't be able to finish.
Very bad: Pole prac. Superman-to-chopsticks still no-go; chopsticks-to-superman ... half-go. Brass monkey almost-half-go.
I'm just so tired. And disheartened. I almost wept.
Why have I always been a failure / What can the reason be?
=(
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Boards of Canada - 'Seeya Later'
Album: Twoism
Never let it be said I never say 'yes' - I bloody do. And today, I'm not even sure what I'd said 'yes' to.
Waiting for a transfer, I received a call from a chirpy-sounding girl from the Cookie Museum (I left my cellphone number when they prompted me to after I purchased a tin of scrummy mango-cranberry addiction) who told me they were launching new flavors for Christmas and LNY ... and I started drifting off. Maybe I have ADD or something, but I can never listen when my other senses aren't engaged (worse when I'm tired). I only caught "tasting" and "cookies" and "reservation".
I declined the reservation, saying I'd just drop by after work, but she said it tends to be crowded ... or something (she lost me again).
Then it seems I might've said 'yes' to something happening next Wednesday evening.
Fingers crossed "cookies" and "tasting" are heavily involved.
Never let it be said I never say 'yes' - I bloody do. And today, I'm not even sure what I'd said 'yes' to.
Waiting for a transfer, I received a call from a chirpy-sounding girl from the Cookie Museum (I left my cellphone number when they prompted me to after I purchased a tin of scrummy mango-cranberry addiction) who told me they were launching new flavors for Christmas and LNY ... and I started drifting off. Maybe I have ADD or something, but I can never listen when my other senses aren't engaged (worse when I'm tired). I only caught "tasting" and "cookies" and "reservation".
I declined the reservation, saying I'd just drop by after work, but she said it tends to be crowded ... or something (she lost me again).
Then it seems I might've said 'yes' to something happening next Wednesday evening.
Fingers crossed "cookies" and "tasting" are heavily involved.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Watching Shiba Inu Puppy Cam
Stream: Shiba Inu Puppy Cam
What I'm reading about bruises is beginning to worry me.
But I just don't which which level of severity my bruises are.
The ones I got today - well, actually, they were from last Sat, healed a little, aggravated on Wed, healed a little, grievously aggravated today - they look disgusting. Still, they're nothing I'm not used to.
Today was disappointing: I failed to get either of the two tricks we were taught - the Skater (a rotating trick), and the Superman-to-Chopsticks combo. I think I hurt my right arm in attempting the latter; actually I dropped/fell against the pole, which wasn't entirely bad because that kept me from hitting the ground.
What I'm reading about bruises is beginning to worry me.
But I just don't which which level of severity my bruises are.
The ones I got today - well, actually, they were from last Sat, healed a little, aggravated on Wed, healed a little, grievously aggravated today - they look disgusting. Still, they're nothing I'm not used to.
Today was disappointing: I failed to get either of the two tricks we were taught - the Skater (a rotating trick), and the Superman-to-Chopsticks combo. I think I hurt my right arm in attempting the latter; actually I dropped/fell against the pole, which wasn't entirely bad because that kept me from hitting the ground.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Miwagemini - 'Crazy Over You'
Album: This Is How I Found You
The nice evening I had had only abated a little the anxiety I'm having about the boss's tickets. I want to kick myself for not asking to be let in to personally drop the envelope into his letterbox. This is sloppy.
Sloppy is unacceptable.
The nice evening I had had only abated a little the anxiety I'm having about the boss's tickets. I want to kick myself for not asking to be let in to personally drop the envelope into his letterbox. This is sloppy.
Sloppy is unacceptable.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Miwa Gemini - 'Crazy Over You'
Album: This Is How I Found You
So today it occurred to me I severely lack self-discipline - that's the reason I let myself get so morbidly morose during each lunar cycle. Self-indulgent emotional masturbation.
And it's been getting worse too, the downtime, in addition to stretching for longer and longer periods.
I think I crave discipline as much as I deplore (and reject) it. Heaven forbid anyone should try to discipline me ... Not that many hadn't already tried.
Will be without my paperweight in the next long week.
=(
So today it occurred to me I severely lack self-discipline - that's the reason I let myself get so morbidly morose during each lunar cycle. Self-indulgent emotional masturbation.
And it's been getting worse too, the downtime, in addition to stretching for longer and longer periods.
I think I crave discipline as much as I deplore (and reject) it. Heaven forbid anyone should try to discipline me ... Not that many hadn't already tried.
Will be without my paperweight in the next long week.
=(
Scarlet - 'Independent Love Song'
Album: Independent Love Song (single)
Dreamed last night I couldn't find my bag and was rushing around looking for it (what does it mean?). Was a restless sleep and I woke up so tired I almost nodded off while I waited for pole prac.
In the end, I didn't do my choreo during exotic (too shy to), but am still very happy I came up with one.
Pole prac was good - I got a (45mm) pole all to myself and I managed the brass monkey (1 time), the non-spastic iguana (2 times, at least), and the thigh hold (3 times!). My right shoulder hurts so much now from repeated attempts at the shoulder mount-chopper-serpent combo.
I'll prolly crash spectacularly tomorrow.
Dreamed last night I couldn't find my bag and was rushing around looking for it (what does it mean?). Was a restless sleep and I woke up so tired I almost nodded off while I waited for pole prac.
In the end, I didn't do my choreo during exotic (too shy to), but am still very happy I came up with one.
Pole prac was good - I got a (45mm) pole all to myself and I managed the brass monkey (1 time), the non-spastic iguana (2 times, at least), and the thigh hold (3 times!). My right shoulder hurts so much now from repeated attempts at the shoulder mount-chopper-serpent combo.
I'll prolly crash spectacularly tomorrow.
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