So tired ... and my right side hurts.

I figured out what's wrong with my shoulder mount (video-taping helps), but ... I still have a long way to go to get there. My core muscles are abysmal.

I don't want to think tonight ...

Ruthie Henshall - 'I Dreamed A Dream'

Album: Les Misérables 10^th Anniversary Concert



I think I need Mephisto around, physically. He serves as a reminder and will keep me on track, otherwise I forget, get sidetracked, lose track, and get stressed and scared just thinking - what he called "chasing your own tail [until] you get sucked up your ass".

Managed a headstand yesterday, and a handstand today - things I couldn't do as a nubile teen (including splits), I'm doing it as an old woman. "You're still very young," is what those men tell me; then again, they each have at least half a decade of experience, of course I'm still "very young" to them.

"Very young" - and feckless, I think.

Lea Salonga - 'On My Own'

Album: Les Misérables 10^th Anniversary Concert



I've been thinking a lot of Philip Larkin's 'This Be The Verse', especially when it comes to my boss, and since Saturday.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Read it when I was 12, and it'd stuck with me through the years. Can't be more true.

The sound of you sleeping

Still feeling a little disassociated, yet am indubitably affected by last night's events.

The next time Mephisto talks about my 'boyfriend', I'm going to set things straight. I only hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass somehow.

As I've said before, that bunch of ol' boys gossip like the best of fishwives - if not better.

The sound of you sleeping

I wish you or Rach could give me a hug tonight.

I'm beginning to feel violated and a little grimy. I don't like being touched by strange men, and I don't like talking about things I don't want to talk about.

In the shuttle, as we turned into Clarke Quay, a voice in my head told me I was going to lose my 'innocence' - naivety, if you will, about the real world - tonight, and it was right.

My fault for not being able to say no, and my accursed sense of responsibility; I walked into it with eyes wide open.

I just gotta suck it up. Suck it up.

Anna Netrebko - 'Follie! ... follie! ... Sempre libera'

Album: Verdi: La Traviata



I'm in the office now, alone and bored. I've been here since 08:15 and the meeting has since ended, with everybody waiting in line to have a one-on-one meeting with my boss and the head honcho.

If only time were malleable: I'd shorten it until my pole class, whereupon I'd stretched it out as long as I possibly could, and then shorten it for the dinner I had to attend, until I could get home and collapse in bed.

Sigh.

Nice to be able to blast arias in the office though.

Le Tigre - 'On The Verge'

Album: This Island



Fuck, I'm tired.

Tomorrow, then I'm free of it.

This is prolly very educational ... but I don't know what to make of it.

I'm stupid.

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat



FUCK.

That's an extremely frustrated, furious, yet futile invective vented on tomorrow and the day after.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

The sound of you sleeping

So much laughter at pole prac today! We all felt all the stiffer and weaker for last week's missing class and practice session.

Mephisto told me today I'll've to be at the dinner on Saturday night, which means I'll miss some of pole (if not completely). The only thing that keeps me happy here is pole; to take that away from me - even for a week (nevermind two weeks in a row) - well, I'd sooner quit my job than miss pole. Truly.

It's depressing me, and I don't want to go down that rut again.

Responsibility is a self-righteous fucker.

The sound of you sleeping

I want, so very much, for this Saturday to come - so I can finally attend pole. But, at the same time, I dread - with almost the same degree of intensity - the approaching Friday ... and Saturday.

The last time I can remember feeling like this was back in school, during a study break, with passages and texts to read and analyze and memorize. I couldn't wait to be free of my exams - but first, I'd have to take them ...

If only I could take pole classes five (or even six) days a week.

Sigh.

It occurred to me today that the commute to and from work is beginning to bore me. Intensely.

It's also being trapped being a rock and a hard place with the likes of our "efficient" transportation system. Yes, it's not a bad one - comparatively - but using it daily sure feels like purgatory.

The sound of you sleeping

I feel so, so, so cheated of my once-a-week window of joy - pole class and practice session.

=(

The sound of you sleeping

Finished a book today, and has begun two others. One of which failed to capture my interest even after 10 pages, so I focused on the other one, which - thank goodness - managed to get more page-turningly attractive as I went along.

It's been so long since I read.

Is why I don't like working and prefer to be in school - I read more in school, and not just because I have to.

The sound of you sleeping

Tonight's dinner: Salmon sashimi (could've been fresher), and miso chashu ramen at Ichibantei (Liang Court) which got progressively saltier until I couldn't finish my third slice of chashu; then, dessert of apple crumble (more crumble than apple, damnit!) and tea at Nectarie (Jen's waffle with red wine pear was slightly better, but perhaps the pear could've been juicer, and the cinnamon more subtle).

Also: Borrowed 8 books today. I haven't stepped into the library for so long, nearly every book I picked up looked interesting.

Hope to spend my weekend reading (thus avoiding local telly with its annual evil propoganda speech broadcast).