Prolly down with something from yesterday's downpour, fever or flu - one of those.

But, oh Goddess, it's gonna be such a long day tomorrow if I decided to attend the party at Gotham, not to mention the crazy rush from one studio to another, going from class to class.

Oh girl, whatcha gonna do?

Dennis Cahill & Martin Hayes - 'The Clare Reel'

Album: Welcome Here Again



After he got into the office, Mephisto sat me down for a talk. I was feeling totally useless at that point (can't manage even the simplest tasks, need boss to step up to it) and he knew it from the call we were on earlier this morning.

He said I shouldn't be feeling pressured or stressed because "you're not paid enough for that", and if I hit a block, I should sic him on the obstacle - he'll take care of it. He told me I was doing a good job and "you have a lot of potential". (Potential for what, he didn't say; my guess: Catastrophe.)

I appreciate the effort, but ...

Anyhow, he also told me about perfection - it's less obscure than 42.

Watching me sign a document, Mephisto commented I'm an optimist - "a fan".

"Of what?" I asked. "I'm not a fan."

"Maybe you need to become a fan of something," said he.

Moments earlier, he'd pulled the hoodie of my jacket over my head, half in mock-exasperation with me. Had he been a friend or relative, it would've been an affectionate, friendly move; but he's the boss - more specifically, my boss.

So ... I'm nonplussed.

The sound of you sleeping

For two days in a row I've been fretful due to the tension in the office; separate incidents. Which made me realize I'm still completely unable to deal with any form of disagreement, or spleen, around me. After all these years.

Or maybe it's been aggravated by how I grew up.

Either way, I'm glad whenever you're around, because you calm me down even as you make my heart skip beats.

The Frames - 'Rise'

Album: The Cost



Just before he left the office today, Mephisto came up behind me, fiddling with a coin in his hand, and asked, "Can I do something weird? Someting strange?"

Of course I said, "Er, yes ..."

Then he gave me the coin - a 500 yen one - and, for the first time, mumbled hesitantly, awkwardly, about how that is a favorite coin of his and how he's bad at giving gifts.

Consider me nonplussed.

(What's the occasion?)

The Frames - 'Falling Slowly'

Album: The Cost



Watched Lucky7 yesterday and there was this letter in it that carried a short message, goes something like, "Whatever you spend most time with now is your future."

I know where I'm spending my time these days; I hope they are all in my future.

Jasmine (who co-teaches my pole class) asked me yesterday if I were interested in performing. I'll say yes to anything, but what I really hope to do is to be good enough to teach it.

The Frames - 'Star Star'

Album: Dance The Devil



Up and downs.

I had the sweetest cab-driver ever who undercharged me and wanted to walk me to look for the restaurant I had my dinner appointment.

Later, my completely obsolete cell was stolen when I left it in a ladies room at Clarke Quay for about five minutes. But everybody was being supportive and gave me hugs and I felt better. Amardeep told me, "Hey, we're here for you," and Rach managed to get my line disconnected.

Sigh.

I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow ... It's gonna be such a long day.

=(

The sound of you sleeping

So Rach's and my plans to have a summer holiday is slightly more firmed up today; our intinerary will run SIN/BBK/CNX/BBK/SIN given that there's currenly just one direct flight to CNX.

I'm a little ... anxious, I think, about that.

I'm looking forward more to a SIN/AKL/WLG trip ...

Sigh.

Voicemails from c--

I have so many daydreams in my head - not fantastical ones by any stretch of the imagination - but I don't dare to even give them a thought, however much I want to.

I don't wanna jinx nothing.

Completed Beg 2 today (I's Derek Zoolander - cannot turn left); will start Beg Jazz next Thu, and Int 1 the Wed after next. Wish I could fit Street Chachacha by Güp into my schedule though. =(

But pole takes precedence. I can only hope it'll be useful ... somehow.

I don't think I care that we weird our friends out anymore.

I don't even care that it seems crazy to us that listening to the white noise from each other's mic is calming and comforting.

It is soothing to listen to you as you sleep.

My cough is killing me.

As is my throat.

Among other things.

I should go to a taxidermist or something and rent a fucking backbone.

And a brain.

Oh gawd, a brain. A decisive one.

eels - 'Climbing to the Moon'

Album: Electro-shock Blues

It's getting hard to tell where
What I am ends and
What they're making me begins

I won't be denied this time
'Fore I go out of my mind
Over matters
Got my foot on the ladder and
I'm climbing up to the moon

If only I really could.

I know Rach means well, and, intellectually, I know she's right; but right now, what she's telling me is just tearing me farther apart.

How can anybody know what they want and don't know what they want simultaneously?