Album: High Fidelity OST
Been having strange dreams lately. Although they aren't really nightmarish or distressing, I know they're born of the anxiety I'm trying to ignore and not let get to me.
Stress is not having enough time and energy to complete everything, because I don't know how to prioritize. In addition to putting together an application, I owe Christine a topic (due tomorrow, before she goes on sabbatical; with the five-hour difference, I'm really not gonna make it), and have Jess's manuscript to edit.
All by this week.
And Wednesday through Friday (and prolly Saturday as well) will be taken up by dance (pole, belly, and exotic).
- No.
I'll smile and make it.
Because I must.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Jay Gordon - 'Slept So Long'
Album: Queen of the Damned OST
Woke up at 13:00 plus today - a first (and personal triumph).
Am I selfish ... or just human? Maybe a horribly selfish human.
Wondering (for the umpteenth time) whether my life fucks up or I do - or is that just the way things are for me? My heart tells me no, my mind tells me I know better; for once they're in accord.
Yet I still choose to ignore them.
'S okay; will only look stupid, and I deserve it - and everything else I have coming.
What the song says.
Woke up at 13:00 plus today - a first (and personal triumph).
Am I selfish ... or just human? Maybe a horribly selfish human.
Wondering (for the umpteenth time) whether my life fucks up or I do - or is that just the way things are for me? My heart tells me no, my mind tells me I know better; for once they're in accord.
Yet I still choose to ignore them.
'S okay; will only look stupid, and I deserve it - and everything else I have coming.
What the song says.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Jessie Mae Hemphill - 'Standing in My Doorway Crying'
Album: Mali to Memphis
- Sent in application for the Graduate Award (which I prolly have a snowball's chance in hell of winning), and will be sending in for the Elaine Geering Scholarship in Literature (ditto).
- Begun the long, drawn-out, and tedious process of gathering the necessary for a visa application.
- Gave up three vials of blood to my doc.
- Realized that I'm no longer as apprehensive towards needles as I was prior to my modifications.
- Desmond declared that my baby is getting better, but warned I should not take it for granted ...
- And must continue abstaining from alcohol for the next four weeks. =(
- Started planning on the next mod: Must be dermal anchor(s)!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Ali Akbar Khan - 'Two Lovers (Mand)'
Album: Garden of Dreams
Most. Aggravating. Day.
(Even if I did purchase two of Marjane Satrapi's books for just SGD 5 each - Chicken with Plums, and Embroideries - as well as Norwegian Wood.)
One of my daily horoscopes did advise to take care when it comes to details, otherwise I'd feel I have an unproductive day. Well, it fucking did come true - and it's not a self-fulfilling prophesy. I thought it referred to work; it bloody wasn't.
And, just now, I realized I'd fucked up - for the second time.
I want to just run away.
Most. Aggravating. Day.
(Even if I did purchase two of Marjane Satrapi's books for just SGD 5 each - Chicken with Plums, and Embroideries - as well as Norwegian Wood.)
One of my daily horoscopes did advise to take care when it comes to details, otherwise I'd feel I have an unproductive day. Well, it fucking did come true - and it's not a self-fulfilling prophesy. I thought it referred to work; it bloody wasn't.
And, just now, I realized I'd fucked up - for the second time.
I want to just run away.
Ciara - 'Get Up'
Album: Ciara: The Evolution
Not sure why, but I woke up hearing 30 Seconds To Mars' 'Attack' this morning; especially:
Still unable to get upside down properly on the pole tonight, and various attempts had led to bruised ribs and hips - but am getting closer.
Ought to email Christine chosen topic soon.
=(
Why can't I do it?
Not sure why, but I woke up hearing 30 Seconds To Mars' 'Attack' this morning; especially:
Run away, run away, I'll attack
Run away, run away, go chase yourself
Run away, run away, now I'll attack
I'll attack, I'll attack, I will attack ...
Still unable to get upside down properly on the pole tonight, and various attempts had led to bruised ribs and hips - but am getting closer.
Ought to email Christine chosen topic soon.
=(
Why can't I do it?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Daddy Yankee - 'Impacto'
Album: El Cartel
"Hey!" was what I should've yelled - at least once.
"Watch it, you fucking blind fucker ..." would've been a lovely complementary addition, but I just wasn't raise that way. (Didn't stop me from thinking that, though - plenty times.)
Maybe it's just one of those days, but nobody'd believe how many fucking blind fuckers walked into me in the course of a ten minutes walk.
And to add insult to injury, I got bloody scratched too.
I could murder me a good homicide.
"Hey!" was what I should've yelled - at least once.
"Watch it, you fucking blind fucker ..." would've been a lovely complementary addition, but I just wasn't raise that way. (Didn't stop me from thinking that, though - plenty times.)
Maybe it's just one of those days, but nobody'd believe how many fucking blind fuckers walked into me in the course of a ten minutes walk.
And to add insult to injury, I got bloody scratched too.
I could murder me a good homicide.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Truth Hurts ft. Rakim - 'Addictive'
Album: Addictive [Single]
Today's flushing session's diagnosis: I'm healing "slower than [Desmond] thought", but the amount of pus has reduced to "only ten percent of the last session".
Well, if I'm not healing any more, then I'm taking up his idea of removing the surface bar and replacing it with dermal anchors. (Yesssss! Dermal anchors!)
But I still gotta lay off the booze and seafood for a bit ... and - not that it'll be any chance of it - dance. =(
Honestly, I think I'd sooner quit meat than dance.
And I'm red meat-dependent.
Today's flushing session's diagnosis: I'm healing "slower than [Desmond] thought", but the amount of pus has reduced to "only ten percent of the last session".
Well, if I'm not healing any more, then I'm taking up his idea of removing the surface bar and replacing it with dermal anchors. (Yesssss! Dermal anchors!)
But I still gotta lay off the booze and seafood for a bit ... and - not that it'll be any chance of it - dance. =(
Honestly, I think I'd sooner quit meat than dance.
And I'm red meat-dependent.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Shivaree - 'Good Night Moon'
Album: I Oughta Give You A Shot In The Head For Making Me Live In This Dump
Am not sure why I'm always apprehensive about starting the work week.
I'm procrastinating again.
Because I'm scared.
Why am I so scared of everything?
Am not sure why I'm always apprehensive about starting the work week.
I'm procrastinating again.
Because I'm scared.
Why am I so scared of everything?
Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'
Album: Lizzie West [EP]
I don't understand the lyrics; they seem a little disjunct. Like:
So one's a fool to fall "so in love", even if it's with "the one true love in store"?
I'm perplexed: What am I not getting here?
I don't understand the lyrics; they seem a little disjunct. Like:
I took the notes of past excursions
And I read them through once more
Only to find them all diversions
From the one true love in store
The chariots rise
Up high in the sky
What a fool am I
To fall so in love
What a wonderful dream
It seems to be
'Cause I love him
So one's a fool to fall "so in love", even if it's with "the one true love in store"?
I'm perplexed: What am I not getting here?
Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'
Album: Lizzie West [EP]
Guess it helps to read back on past entries, so you can get a sense of what you want(ed) and where you stand now.
A lot seems to have changed since July.
I seem to have changed since.
Do I like who (or what) I am now? I don't know.
I don't even know who (or what) I am now.
Never mind what (or who) I want.
Guess it helps to read back on past entries, so you can get a sense of what you want(ed) and where you stand now.
A lot seems to have changed since July.
I seem to have changed since.
Do I like who (or what) I am now? I don't know.
I don't even know who (or what) I am now.
Never mind what (or who) I want.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Lizzie West - 'Chariots Rise'
Album: Lizzie West [EP]
... and then I realized why I always prefer to wait it out. Sometimes, it's congenital procrastination; sometimes, it isn't.
Because sometimes the things I feel driven to do, when the compulsion passes over or fades, I'd think: Boy, I'm glad I didn't do it - who knows what consequences (which I might or might be able to handle) I might have to deal with.
So that's why I nearly always wait it out (unless I hurt too much there and then): Because I know it'll pass.
Nothing lasts forever.
... and then I realized why I always prefer to wait it out. Sometimes, it's congenital procrastination; sometimes, it isn't.
Because sometimes the things I feel driven to do, when the compulsion passes over or fades, I'd think: Boy, I'm glad I didn't do it - who knows what consequences (which I might or might be able to handle) I might have to deal with.
So that's why I nearly always wait it out (unless I hurt too much there and then): Because I know it'll pass.
Nothing lasts forever.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Ciara - 'Get Up'
Album: Ciara: The Evolution
So incredibly frustrated at myself - the fear, the Fear.
Like how you know you can and will do it, but just ... don't dare to, even at the desperate end of your rope.
Everything tells you to Jump! - and you're ready, too - but for Fear.
And I don't know whether I'm hanging on because of that fear, or hanging on to that fear.
All primed to let go ...
But for that Fear.
So incredibly frustrated at myself - the fear, the Fear.
Like how you know you can and will do it, but just ... don't dare to, even at the desperate end of your rope.
Everything tells you to Jump! - and you're ready, too - but for Fear.
And I don't know whether I'm hanging on because of that fear, or hanging on to that fear.
All primed to let go ...
But for that Fear.
Cassie - 'Me & U'
Album: Cassie
We're more than flirting with the serious probability of a miscarriage, and I'm prolly the dumbest-ass person in the entire history of bodmods and the quickest to lose a piercing.
Pole never will go with piercings ... But I love them both.
Oh, this can't be a good sign, of all that it has come to signify.
=...(
So black and portentous must this humor prove, / Unless good counsel may the cause remove.
(Or a phone call ...)
We're more than flirting with the serious probability of a miscarriage, and I'm prolly the dumbest-ass person in the entire history of bodmods and the quickest to lose a piercing.
Pole never will go with piercings ... But I love them both.
Oh, this can't be a good sign, of all that it has come to signify.
=...(
So black and portentous must this humor prove, / Unless good counsel may the cause remove.
(Or a phone call ...)
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