I don't remember how I pass the hours each day in the office.

I think I'm going insane.

Was strange going to bed last night without posting an entry - made me think about self-imposed rules that became habits.

11:49 in office and I've done a little research on a pill I need and booked a room online (still waiting to see if it'll be available).

Life has again flatlined on me. Nurse, defibrillator!

John Mayer - 'Out Of My Mind'

Album: Try! John Mayer Trio Live In Concert



Thought: I won't try to kill myself until I'm really sure that I can't be happy anywhere else in this world.

I suppose that's something that'll take me a lifetime to verify.

Louis Prima, Phil Harris & Bruce Reitherman - 'I Wanna Be Like You'

Album: Jungle Book OST



Lunching today with colleagues, the tables in front of ours were filled with what looked Mosaic backstage crew members. Most of them were male, with various bod-mods, and all were dressed in black tee.

I looked over at them and then back at my colleagues: Worlds apart. Then I looked at myself and felt like Ugly Ducking - except I didn't want to fit in with my colleagues; I wanted to be part of the tables in front.

Hell, I thought, I was even dressed like one of them in my current favorite tee.

John Legend - 'Each Day Gets Better'

Album: Once Again



Note to self: Mephisto is homophobic. (Yesh, he said just that to Scott this afternoon.)

Felt so much better after salsa class today. I stepped on Pravin's foot (despite repeated reminders to him to not step on mine) and almost elbowed some guy in the face when he spun me.

Awesome.

k.d. lang - 'Season Of Hollow Soul'

Album: Ingénue



I hope it's PMS that's responsible for my frustration, boredom, irritation, restlessness, and the pervading sense of general malcontent.

Otherwise, what with it being only February, this will be a year of prodigious pugatory.

Hell, I've a month to go till EoQ and already I'm tempted to get something pierced or inked ...

Or both.

Sumita Sarathy - 'If The Shoe Fits'

Album: Bollywood Hollywood OST



Ever heard an old Italian man do the stereotypical Indian accent? Rach's right - Italians are the Indians of Europe. Overwrought operas and Bollywood masala - not so different at all.

As Rocky (played by Ranjit Chowdhry) said, "Bolly, Holly; Holly, Bolly: Different wood, same tree."

Well ... Almost.

I should've been annoyed, but I actually cracked a smile. You just gotta hear Mephisto.

Judy Garland - 'Over The Rainbow'

Album: Golden Memories: 18 Nostalgic Hits



The sense of displacement is innate; therefore the external surroundings don't matter. I never feel I belong anywhere, feel like an outsider most of the times. Sometimes I think it's true, too.

I wonder if I feel so lost at the moment because I really do care where I am.

Bah ... Shouldn't I be too old for existential angst?

Will get my hair cut after Mephisto flies off for the rest of the month.

Space - 'Female of the Species'

Album: Spiders

I'm feeling a little lost, what with the time on my hands.

It struck me that I'm still unsure of what I'm doing in Singapore. For the experience of working for/with Mephisto, yes; but I'm still not sure I'm getting that - not with what I do daily in the office anyway. Maybe I'd taken on the job offer for the wrong reasons: I'm interested in learning from him, but not career lessons - life lessons is what I'm after.

Career.

Still a verb.

So tired.

And the only thing I did today was pole class.

Gaah.

Space - 'Female of the Species'

Album: Spiders



Oy. Me and my big mouth ... =| I feel like it's my fault the evening ended in tears and recriminations - and I just don't fucking know how to rectify or even to alleviate the situation. I'm just gonna fucking STFU next time. All the time.

Also: I prolly drank too much again - fingers and toes feel swollen, which means I'm retaining water. Gaah. I didn't think I drank that much to begin with - just a cappucino, a Rusty Nail, and two whisky shots and some coke.

A.R. Rehman - 'Only You'

Album: Vande Mataram



Woke up about noon, and started my day with a बेसन लड्डू and a mug of fresh milk. Did nothing the entire day but eat, chat online and via Skype, eat, and eat ... I think I'm exhausted from trying to digest all that food.

Mother's brother's wife made mention of how long my mother's waiting for me to be married. Yesh, but I don't believe my mom's holding her breath ...

But - I survived this LNY. Good on me!

Arnob - 'Shey Je Boshe Ache'

Album: Chaina Bhabish



I started listening to only Hindi (and a few Tamil and one Bengali) tunes last evening. This morning, half-singing and half-humming said tunes, I figured it was an (allergic?) reaction to all the Chinese-ness around me. Really, I can't put into words how much I dread the Lunar New Year.

At the same time, I celebrate it my way: मेहँदी, मिठाई, and a good lunch.

Tomorrow, I'll start the Lunar New Year with a लड्डू (I bought three, two besan and one motichoor).

I thank Mephisto for the peach kirsch truffles - and for distracting me, today.

=)