Ms. John Soda - 'Done Twice'

Album: Drop Scene

Walked right into the bed and the stairs railing yesterday, resulting in extra bruises.

And it's occurred to me that I seem to be always walking into things with my eyes open.

Eyes open - walk into things: Pain - self-inflicted.

At the end of the day, it's all my fault.

Always has been.

Ms. John Soda - 'Sometimes Stop, Sometimes Go'

Album: Notes And The Like

For one prolonged moment at work, I felt it was making me really unhappy.

I think ... There's a lot that I want (in more than one sense), but I just don't know what. I wish I do, but I don't. Why can nobody understand that but me?

Right now, dance is my only escape.

But I really, really, really don't know what else I can do.

Fujiya & Miyagi - 'Transparent Things'

Album: Transparent Things

Okay.

I think, if Auntie Al commented that I looked like I'd lost a lot of weight, it's time to start worrying about the inches.

Grrr. Why is it that the inches around my ass and tits are the first to go, and the ones from my waist never?

I suspect I'd dropped a bra size.

Is worrisome sadness!

=(

Melissa Ferrick - 'Drive'

Album: Freedom.

Everything sounds muffled; can't feel feet; am extremely dehydrated; back hurts from stupid heels.

Strangely enough, it was kinda fun (and funny - but that's another story).

What creatures are human beings who derive pleasure from grinding and humping total strangers to deafening music? I wish they allowed me to be barefooted; woulda been so much nicer dancing if that were the case.

Z-Trip vs. Run Run Run - 'Fade Into You' (Mazzy Star cover)

Album: Endless Winter

Still very, very, very exhausted. And dehydrated.

Wonder how I can back out tonight ... The prospects of spending a high voltage evening in some club is enough to send me into a coma.

What I really want is a nice quiet evening, and twent-four hours of rest.

Shivaree - 'Lost In A Dream'

Album: Who's Got Trouble

So, so, so tired.

Don't feel loved tonight; need a cuddle.

None forthcoming.

=(

Jamie Lidell ft. Jose Gonzales - 'Multiply (In A Minor Key)'

Album: Multiply Additions

I know Hege was absolutely right when she said, "It's not my duty to heal anybody, to make them better ..."; and also when she said, "Life is too short to feel guilty or bad about things ..."

But recognizing a truth intellectually has never meant being able to do it; and the impediment is always a psychic/emotional one.

I think it might be the six formative years spent in a Methodist school from which germinated my propensity for guilt and the obsessive compulsion to atone for all my sins.

There's so much I feel I could learn from her ...

Federico Aubele - 'Esta Noche'

Album: Gran Hotel Buenos Aires

I don't know why it's taken me this long to realize saying 'yes' - making the conscious decision to say 'yes' - means opening myself to different experiences; that, indeed, "To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence." (Otto Hoffman in Waking Life, Richard Linklater, 2001.)

Am I on an accelerated and steep learning curve here?



An hour with my (yes, mine) pole makes all the difference to my least favorite day of the week, the pinnacle of a dreary work week.

Mz Ann Thropik - 'Off With Your Head'

Album: Sweet Love Beat (Single)

I just had a thought; not sure what I was thinking when I thought it.

If I gave up an abandoned past and a future that may very well turn out to be merely a smokescreen ... even if I did -

Will there be anything - will there be more - that would come now?



What would I choose?

Tracy Bonham - 'Whether You Fall'

Album: The L Word: Season 3 OST

Have made the decision today to be a risk-taker. Calculated risk-taker. (Or maybe just to err less on this side of caution.)

And then I went and had about four inches of my hair lopped off (I wanted more, but my hairdresser wouldn't).

It always takes forever to blow-dry my hair, and as I watched the shampoo girl painstakingly part, pin up, and brush-and-blow-dry my hair, it occurred to me I'm a lot like my hair:

• Not entirely straight;
  
  
• Will have some semblance of straightness after much pain and effort;
  
  
• Will lose all semblance of straightness after a couple of hours in the breeze; and
  
  
• Needs to be heavily pulled down into straightness.

Goldfrapp - 'Human'

Album: Felt Mountain

I can't do the following without feeling something in my ribs and down my sides that spans the spectrum from mild discomfort to outright pain - inhale deeply, raise my arms, sneeze, blow my nose, laugh, and cough.

And that pleases me insanely; because that means I had pushed myself in yesterday's session (albeit, in my opinion, not nearly enough).

Can't wait for our extra session this Wednesday!

Nirvana - 'Lithium'

Album: In Utero

In addition to bruises on my feet, ankles, shins, knees, and inner thighs, today's haul includes bruises on my ribs (both sides), outer thighs, and the sides of my heels. Well, as Hege kept repeating, "WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE!"

Um, yes, ma'am ... =|

Went into two sex shops in the course of our meandering: I think I need to start a sex shop fund and make a shopping list soon ... even though I thought the breadth and depth of the merchandise were pretty lacking.

I definitely want a whip and leather ankle and hand cuffs.

And leather gloves (opera-length).

Nirvana - 'About A Girl'

Album: Bleach

After listening to my "... but when it hurts, it really hurts ...", Rachael had remarked, "It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship - emotionally-abusive relationship."

I'm not; I'm just ... tender, I guess. And, in a way, I revel in the pain like a pig in its own muck. Either pain is a comfort zone, or I'm a masochist in my own way, I guess.

What a strange evening this has been: Zenzi, Wil, Rachael, Roger, Taufik. Postponements and cancellations upon chance meetings and spontaneous invitations.

And I realized I no longer like being touched by a male, friend or no, unless I know he's gay. This is, frankly, truly disturbing.

Foo Fighters - 'Next Year'

Album: There Is Nothing Left To Lose

Just so happened that my mp3 player kept playing 'Next Year' this morning; reminded me of the times in Welly I played it, especially in 2004: Every time I heard this track, it depressed me.

But this morning, listening to this song after a hiatus of two years, it gave me hope. Hope.

It's all in the perspective.