Oh no ...

I need a hug - no, I need hugs tonight.

=(

I think ... at the end of the day, at the end of it all - the root of it is: I'm frustrated.

I think I'm frustrated because time is not moving fast enough, while simultaneously moving too fast, and I'm wasting it when I could be doing some with it, with myself, with my life.

There's gotta be more to life than what I'm making of it now, and I would make all the necessary changes too to get the most out of what I could have - if only I knew what sort of changes ...

Tracy Chapman - 'Give Me One Reason'

Album: New Beginning

Something I figured out in the shower: Even with people you trust and confide in, you have to make sure they hold the same things sacred as you do; otherwise, they will inevitably blurt out something you told them in complete confidence - or so you thought.

It's nobody's fault, I suppose - things just happen.

That being said, I'm back to square one: Ultimately, if you don't want it known, then you shouldn't be telling it to the living.

Doing nothing is so tiring.

Jesus, I gotta snap out of it soon. It's really not "those girls" I think I couldn't, wouldn't trust; it's actually just me, myself.

Peaches - 'I U She'

Album: Fatherfucker



Shit. I feel like a real asshole whenever this happens.

Nine Inch Nails - 'Closer'

Album: Downward Spiral



Wow, it's been a long time since I drank and dirty danced ... and got horny. And to think all I really wanted for this evening was dinner and coffee and dessert at some place quiet.



I blame it on the moon.

Orange And Lemons - 'Let Me'

Album: Moonlane Gardens



Realized today I don't feel like going out on Saturday with Rach only because I don't want to meet new guys (her friends); girls I wouldn't have minded though.

Fuck. If I kept this up, I'd soon be moving among females-only circles - and intellectually, I don't want that to happen.



I feel like such a sap sometimes.

Takako Minakawa - 'Fantastic Cat'

Album: Recubed



Lovely pole prac by my lonesome - I nailed two variations (as demonstrated - albeit, of course, in a whole lot more graceful and effortless manner- by one of my favorite pole girls on youtube ) of an invert!

But then during salsa, I was completely lost doing the basic left turn ... =|

Louis Jordan - 'I Know What I've Got'

Album: Five Guys Named Moe



Man ... I've missed pole practice. It's the only time I am intently focused on something that I consider constructive.

The only other time I'm half as focused is when I play Zuma or Bejeweled - in the office.

(Yes, I'm truly stupid, and getting stupider by the second.)

But, after pole prac, when it's late and I'm tired, man oh man, I miss you so much.

We're sorry...

... but your query looks similar to automated requests from a computer virus or spyware application. To protect our users, we can't process your request right now.

We'll restore your access as quickly as possible, so try again soon. In the meantime, if you suspect that your computer or network has been infected, you might want to run a virus checker or spyware remover to make sure that your systems are free of viruses and other spurious software.

If you're continually receiving this error, you may be able to resolve the problem by deleting your Google cookie and revisiting Google. For browser-specific instructions, please consult your browser's online support center.

We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope we'll see you again on Google.

GET STUFFED - AND QUIT GIVING ME GRIEF EACH AND EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRY TO PUBLISH POST, DAMNIT.

I don't remember how I pass the hours each day in the office.

I think I'm going insane.

Was strange going to bed last night without posting an entry - made me think about self-imposed rules that became habits.

11:49 in office and I've done a little research on a pill I need and booked a room online (still waiting to see if it'll be available).

Life has again flatlined on me. Nurse, defibrillator!

John Mayer - 'Out Of My Mind'

Album: Try! John Mayer Trio Live In Concert



Thought: I won't try to kill myself until I'm really sure that I can't be happy anywhere else in this world.

I suppose that's something that'll take me a lifetime to verify.

Louis Prima, Phil Harris & Bruce Reitherman - 'I Wanna Be Like You'

Album: Jungle Book OST



Lunching today with colleagues, the tables in front of ours were filled with what looked Mosaic backstage crew members. Most of them were male, with various bod-mods, and all were dressed in black tee.

I looked over at them and then back at my colleagues: Worlds apart. Then I looked at myself and felt like Ugly Ducking - except I didn't want to fit in with my colleagues; I wanted to be part of the tables in front.

Hell, I thought, I was even dressed like one of them in my current favorite tee.

John Legend - 'Each Day Gets Better'

Album: Once Again



Note to self: Mephisto is homophobic. (Yesh, he said just that to Scott this afternoon.)

Felt so much better after salsa class today. I stepped on Pravin's foot (despite repeated reminders to him to not step on mine) and almost elbowed some guy in the face when he spun me.

Awesome.

k.d. lang - 'Season Of Hollow Soul'

Album: Ingénue



I hope it's PMS that's responsible for my frustration, boredom, irritation, restlessness, and the pervading sense of general malcontent.

Otherwise, what with it being only February, this will be a year of prodigious pugatory.

Hell, I've a month to go till EoQ and already I'm tempted to get something pierced or inked ...

Or both.

Sumita Sarathy - 'If The Shoe Fits'

Album: Bollywood Hollywood OST



Ever heard an old Italian man do the stereotypical Indian accent? Rach's right - Italians are the Indians of Europe. Overwrought operas and Bollywood masala - not so different at all.

As Rocky (played by Ranjit Chowdhry) said, "Bolly, Holly; Holly, Bolly: Different wood, same tree."

Well ... Almost.

I should've been annoyed, but I actually cracked a smile. You just gotta hear Mephisto.

Judy Garland - 'Over The Rainbow'

Album: Golden Memories: 18 Nostalgic Hits



The sense of displacement is innate; therefore the external surroundings don't matter. I never feel I belong anywhere, feel like an outsider most of the times. Sometimes I think it's true, too.

I wonder if I feel so lost at the moment because I really do care where I am.

Bah ... Shouldn't I be too old for existential angst?

Will get my hair cut after Mephisto flies off for the rest of the month.

Space - 'Female of the Species'

Album: Spiders

I'm feeling a little lost, what with the time on my hands.

It struck me that I'm still unsure of what I'm doing in Singapore. For the experience of working for/with Mephisto, yes; but I'm still not sure I'm getting that - not with what I do daily in the office anyway. Maybe I'd taken on the job offer for the wrong reasons: I'm interested in learning from him, but not career lessons - life lessons is what I'm after.

Career.

Still a verb.

So tired.

And the only thing I did today was pole class.

Gaah.

Space - 'Female of the Species'

Album: Spiders



Oy. Me and my big mouth ... =| I feel like it's my fault the evening ended in tears and recriminations - and I just don't fucking know how to rectify or even to alleviate the situation. I'm just gonna fucking STFU next time. All the time.

Also: I prolly drank too much again - fingers and toes feel swollen, which means I'm retaining water. Gaah. I didn't think I drank that much to begin with - just a cappucino, a Rusty Nail, and two whisky shots and some coke.

A.R. Rehman - 'Only You'

Album: Vande Mataram



Woke up about noon, and started my day with a बेसन लड्डू and a mug of fresh milk. Did nothing the entire day but eat, chat online and via Skype, eat, and eat ... I think I'm exhausted from trying to digest all that food.

Mother's brother's wife made mention of how long my mother's waiting for me to be married. Yesh, but I don't believe my mom's holding her breath ...

But - I survived this LNY. Good on me!

Arnob - 'Shey Je Boshe Ache'

Album: Chaina Bhabish



I started listening to only Hindi (and a few Tamil and one Bengali) tunes last evening. This morning, half-singing and half-humming said tunes, I figured it was an (allergic?) reaction to all the Chinese-ness around me. Really, I can't put into words how much I dread the Lunar New Year.

At the same time, I celebrate it my way: मेहँदी, मिठाई, and a good lunch.

Tomorrow, I'll start the Lunar New Year with a लड्डू (I bought three, two besan and one motichoor).

I thank Mephisto for the peach kirsch truffles - and for distracting me, today.

=)

Sinead Lohan - 'Loose Ends'

Album: No Mermaid



The blood test results concluded: "Findings are consistent with Beta thalassemia trait."

Thank Goddess - the timing couldn't be more perfect, what with the Lunar New Year looniness just around the corner.

I don't care what everybody else thinks; I think this is the fucking perfect excuse to not have my own offspring(s) ever. Talking about getting (male) partners and spouse tested, even my doc had mused, " ... I wonder how it's like - I mean, how do you pop the question during courtship?"

=)

Cat Power - 'Dreams' (Everly Brothers cover)

Album: Could We

Always ... lost on a Sunday. I've forgotten what I used to do, when I didn't use Sundays to pay off sleep debt and sleep off the previous night's excesses.

Gawd, I so do not look forward to the Lunar New Year. So pissed off at it - why am I stuck in Singapore for its duration when I'd rather be elsewhere?

Wish I could be like Mephisto and take off for that elsewhere on Wednesday night and fly in early Monday morning.

=(

Cat Power - 'Dreams' (Everly Brothers cover)

Album: Could We

At the Crazy Elephant, Rach - and, indirectly, her husband and friends - made me drink entirely too much. I had three JD-and-Cokes - and one shot of complimentary JD because Rach complained to our waitress my (second) drink "tastes like Coke". Saurabh bought a round of Jägerbomb, which I happily downed. (Hey, how to refuse a drink?)

I managed to dance nearly all the alcohol out of my system, but that swig I took from the bottle of JD Saurabh bought at the Rupee Room just now is fucking up my system currently.

I worry about my liver ... =(



Dreaming of you, as always ... 47 days, 14 hours, 10 minutes and 49 seconds more.

Cat Power - 'Dreams' (Everly Brothers cover)

Album: Could We



Said Mephisto, "You don't understand even this much" - finger and thumb an inch apart - "of yourself; if you stood in front of a mirror, you don't see yourself, or refuse to see ..." This was after he called me schvartze (or possibly schwarz - he meant 'dark') and gothic, and I refuted his claim.

Alecs gave good advice regarding piercings and jewelry. (I so do not need encouragement!)

At the Crazy Elephant, a couple of (possibly American, Aussie, or Kiwi) blokes borrowed my cell, resulting in texts that read, "whr did you & yr frend go frm the guy who lent your phone" and "you comd & play" - FAIL.