How I dread going home on New Year's day with a broken heart.

The Frames - 'Star Star (Pure Imagination)'

Album: Set List (Live)



Sometimes, I get so scared so suddenly. A shot of insecurity out of the blue. And all I'd want to do is to curl into a ball and play music that reassures me and stay in forever.

I wonder why.

Falling down into situations
Bringing out the best in you
You're flat on your back again
And star you're every word I'm heeding
Can you help me to see
I'm lost in the marsh

Close your eyes
Count to three
Make a wish

Come with me
And we'll be
In a world of your imagination

Star star teach me how to shine shine
Teach me so I know what's going on in your mind ...

Scarlet - 'Independent Love Song'

Album: Independent Love Song (single)



Explaining how dirty dancing with a girl could cause my baby to hurt to Desmond was hilarious.

His theory was there should've been a hollow point between the two sets of breasts, which would allow my baby to remain relatively untouched. Sanice and I just looked at each other.

Also: Got my microdermal today!

(... And serious bruising.)

Belly - 'Full Moon, Empty Heart'

Album: Star



So beautiful out tonight: The moon was far away, but still bright and full; the sky was clear and scattered with stars.

Have to make sure I'm extremely exhausted before I fall into bed; have to re-learn to fall asleep without you.

Space - 'Female of the Species'

Album: Spiders

Outta the blue, the mother popped into my room and said, "Nobody asked you out tonight? Christmas Eve? No boyfriend asked you out?"

And I was like ... WTF?

Boyfriend? I mean, since when did she care whether or not I was seeing someone?

Boyfriend?!

No, seriously: What. The. Fuck.

Maren Ord - 'Waiting'

Album: Waiting

Grr. Stupid Sex Fiend called and made me miss your call the first time.

Maren Ord - 'Waiting'

Album: Waiting

Chris called out of the blue, just before I left to meet Rach.

Tonight: dinner (Basil Alcove), dessert (Ricciotti), first drinks (Crazy Elephant), and finally second drinks and dance (The Pump Room).

It's been a lovely day and I'm high, but I still miss you.

However, I got my tickets today, and I'm going to see you soon.

Elliott Smith - 'Say Yes'

Album: Either/Or

I miss you.

You left without a kiss.

How am I going to sleep tonight?

Maggie Gyllenhaal - 'Just The Way You Are' (Billy Joel cover)

Album: Happy Endings OST

=(

Maggie Gyllenhaal - 'Just The Way You Are' (Billy Joel cover)

Album: Happy Endings OST

Don't know; was thinking about how to handle it, then about how I didn't want to - or couldn't - but finally realized that I was already thinking about how, so didn't want to, couldn't, doesn't even come into play.

If x is a given, then y and z don't exist.

(Some Irish Tune On A CD She Burned)

Last session of pole practice for the year.

ARRRGGGH!

=(

Abra Moore - 'Taking Chances'

Album: No Fear

Hello, you.

Nellie McKay - 'A Christmas Dirge'

Bye, little baby.

Death Cab For Cutie - 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark'

Album: Plans

Feel so unsettled - and the feeling's quite out of the blue - wonder what sort of solace I can find tonight.

Perhaps Eliot (again) ...

Elliott Smith - 'Say Yes'

Album: Either/Or

A happy day and then you pay ...

After his call at 17:18:33 ("... Reily is dying ...") and his forwarded text at 17:25:04 ("No options left, severe bleeding in both sides of brain and lungs, blood pressure dropping, ventricles in head sverely [sic] enlarged ..."), I saw a rainbow.

I love rainbows, am always happy to see one. But not today.

At this point, I don't know what it means to be wishing and hoping for the best anymore.

What's the best that could happen - and should?

Ephemera - 'Last Thing'

Album: Last Thing [EP]

Nailed a new position today - go, me!



And: Singapore is freaking small!

Stars - 'Tonight'

Album: Nightsongs

After a lovely lunch break, I got a call that stunned me for a moment - my favorite girl had an emergency caesarean last night. Little Reily is a six-month premie.

All the energy I have goes into hoping - hoping everything turns out well.

I think it would be a busy period from tomorrow to next Friday.

Can't wait, really.

Pink Floyd - 'Wish You Were Here'

Album: Wish You Were Here

Still so tired; fatigued.

Maybe from the babysitting at work, maybe from trying to coordinate a number of events - I don't know - but whatever it is, I'm eating non-stop again.

Had the most ... WTF-was-that dream last night. Seriously. Totally. Haven't the slightest clue how or where or when it germinated ...

Elliott Smith - 'Say Yes'

Album: Either/Or

Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after

Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says it 'til it shows
See how it is, they want you or they don't
Say yes

I'm so tired tonight.

Just so tired.

Johnny Logan - 'Hold Me Now'

Album: Kuschelrock

I thought about it this evening: On the surface, what I have now seems a lot; but, upon deeper examination, what I have is really ... nothing.



Except for Rach's wings which she'd given to me last night.



'Tis a bad dark moon night.

Kate Rusby - 'Underneath The Stars'

Album: Underneath The Stars

As always, it's beyond wonderful to hang out with Rach - dinner (Riverside Tandoor), coffee (Ricciotti), and drinks (Marrakesh).

Over dinner and coffee, we talked about everything and nothing in particular; and she warned me about Mephisto.

Over drinks, we read Neruda's 'Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche' aloud.

If only time could slow down even if a little ...

But everybody leaves, sooner or later.

Neil Finn - 'She Will Have Her Way'

Album: Try Whistling This

Until last night this morning, I'd yet to be defeated by my dinner-and-drinks nights.

But - and happily so - a combination of factors (being kept up till 01:26 the previous night, and two kick-ass potent cocktails at the Chihuly Lounge) had me stumbling home and dropping dead on to my bed.

And, yes, my non-Singaporean friends, this local girl has finally tried the Singapore Sling!

Can't wait to see Rach tonight!

Wir sind Helden - 'Denkmal'

Album: Die Reklamation

Strange that right after my dinner, I thought how I'd very much like something chocolate-y for dessert - like a slice of decadent chocolate cake ... And not an hour later, he brought me a slice of chocolate fudge cake, right up to my doorstep.

Huh. What a coincidence.

Thank Goddess for the cake!

(But ... he does remember we're just friends, right?)

Amy Jo Johnson - 'Puddle of Grace'

Album: Felicity OST

Most people, Ed postulated over coffee, do not know what they want (in life); therefore they do not enjoy what they do (for a living). Ed himself enjoys what he does for a living because he knows what he enjoys doing.

CC, on the other hand, who thought he was one of those who didn't know what they enjoyed doing, said, since he's not doing what he enjoys, he's decided to enjoy what he's doing.

Among other things, this has been an illuminating day.

eels - 'Love of the Loveless'

Album: Queer as Folk: The Fourth Season OST

Yesh ... I prolly am getting too manja.

But then nobody seems to mind all the hugs I ask for. (Goddess knows, mine's likely to be the easiest request they had all day.)

Jit got it right: Hugs are drugs.

And I want need a hugger 24/7.

Especially with my blood pressure sky-rocketing at work all the time ...

Wir sind Helden - 'Die Nacht'

Album: Die Reklamation

We've got good news this morning!

Relatively good news. Cautious good news.

That's good enough for me.

Thank Goddess.

Wir sind Helden - 'Außer dir'

Album: Die Reklamation

Good news tomorrow. I want good news tomorrow.

About the little Rowan/Reily.

Please.

Not for me - she deserves this much, at least.

eels - 'Somebody Loves You'

Album: Shootenanny

Please, please, please let the little one be okay, Goddess.

I'll do anything - anything at all - for everything to turn out all right.

I so wish I could be there to take care of my favorite girl now ...

=...(

Wir sind Helden - 'Du Erkennst Mich Nicht Wieder'

Album: Die Reklamation

At the traffic lights, Rach asked, "Is that Hege?"

It was!

Big hugs in the middle of the pedestrian crossing, then, with the green man blinking, we hurried back to the pavement.

Small talk, catch-ups, a flight out later at 11 PM, and the promise she'll be back on 6^th January ("See you next month - don't say 'next year'; 'next month' sounds sooner ...").

Then, blowing us a kiss, she blew, like a whirlwind, out of our lives again. So glad we caught her, if only for five minutes.

Today's been some day ...

Maren Ord - 'Waiting'

Album: Waiting

I'm sitting here in silence
I'm waiting here patiently
And I'm wondering
If you're waiting too
I'm sitting here alone now
And I'm waiting here on my own
I'm wondering
If you're waiting for me too

Miscommunication.

Murphy's Law.

Now what do I do? Wait it out?

How long can I afford to wait?

Why do things always go wrong when they seem to be going so right?

I've jinxed it, haven't I?

=...(

Wir Sind Helden - 'Nur Ein Wort'

Album: Von hier an blind

Everybody's been asking about my decision, and I now realize I've been speaking about it to too many people.

On one hand, I do want (and value) my friends' opinions; on the other, I don't want any questions or inquisitions (which I get on an almost-daily basis now).

A lot of things are up in the air, and I don't want to jinx anything by speaking too soon (and I've seen that happen just too many times). I've made my bed; now all that's left to see if I could stand lying on it.



Played truant again today.

Mama Cass Elliot - 'Dream A Little Dream'

Album: The Best of the Mamas and the Papas

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me ...

Mary Ann Redmond - 'Alone But Not Lonely'

Album: Songbirds Vol. 2

I'm feeling inordinately depressed - I hope the root of it will prove to be fatigue ... and not the decision I gave Mephisto.

Julie Delphy - 'Je T'Aime Tant'

Album: Before Sunset & Before Sunrise OST

Must make my decision this week.

I really hope my boss wouldn't irritate me this week ...

The Cure - 'Lullaby'

Album: Disintegration

I think it's the moon - I feel so unsettled tonight; now.

Dinner (at Hooters) was nice, then a long-ish walk to Oohtique and back to Clarke Quay to take a cab home. Since we were at Clarke Quay, I brought Jit to Alecs' studio. Strangely enough, he could still remember me (even though it's more than five months since he inked me) and asked how I was healing.

If I'm in Singapore for my birthday next year, I told him, I'll be back to see him for another ink.

If I stayed in Singapore, I'd be getting a lot more piercings and ink, I think ...

Better that I leave?

Tito & Las Tarantulas - 'After Dark'

Album: From Dusk Til Dawn OST

Another wretchedly frustrating day in the office, trying to keep from snapping at the boss - which resulted in another poor attempt - so thank Goddess for after hours.

Dinner with Rach, then exotic rehearsal (learned new combination of moves - yay!), then supper with Andrea.

My right arm is getting progressively worse - I had trouble lifting even my mug of tea this morning: Worrisome.

Still haven't bought the pillows and linens, but don't worry, will make sure I have 'em by the time you get here.

I wish you could be here with me now ...

TraLaLa - 'All Fired Up'

Album: The L Word: The Third Season OST

• KL told me today that Mephisto had said Jaime was afraid of him. An impossibility! I'd pegged Jaime for the type who won't take no shit from nobody.
  
  
• The archipelago of bruises on my right arm had somehow merged into what Rach said looked like a peninsula. And from wrist to elbow, my arms they hurt so much, so much.
  
  
• Exotic rehearsals start tomorrow!
  
  
• Gotta buy the pillows and linens for you soon ...
  
  
• Nope, not thinking about it - even though Rach asked if I'd decided today. Nope. Not thinking.

Jarvis Cocker - 'Black Magic'

Album: Jarvis

Hm.

You'll get here soon.

=)

रूप कुमार राठोड - 'खामोश रात'

Album: थक्षक OST

I find this song calms me down some.

I think ... I've already decided; I'm just so scared to find out what I've decided.

Talking to Rach tonight helped some.

And - a bonus - I found out Aphrodite has a mortal name ...

Ma belle.

Abra Moore - 'Taking Chances'

Album: No Fear

Ohh ... Opportunity knocks twice.

But -

... there will be time
To wonder, 'Do I dare?' and 'Do I dare?'
Time to turn back and descend the stair ...

He will wait, but only till December. (And how deeply he intrigues and fascinates me - but do I dare?)

I'm at the crossroads: Welly, or Singapore?

My guts, my heart, say ...



JUMP.

Melissa Etheridge - 'Breathe'

Album: Lucky

I played the fool today
I just dream of vanishing into the crowd
Longing for home again
Home, is a feeling I buried in you

I'm alright, I'm alright
It only hurts when I breathe

I love this song, but there was a time I couldn't stand listening to it.

Feel so unsettled tonight, so unstable; hard to feel you're not damaged when it sometimes seems like you're just so fucked up. I think people do that to me. Maybe I still don't know how to handle things.

Auntie Al gives good hugs. Wish she were here to give me one right now. =(

Nellie McKay - 'Cupcake'

Album: Pretty Little Head

Said I, "... you've such a long list of criteria! Lower your fucking expectations!"

And she said, "Actually ... you're not that tall ..."

=/

I don't know; even if we didn't go back such a long way (my thought) and she were taller (her thought), I'm still not sure we are entirely compatible - never mind entering into a romantic relationship.

Still - always a fun topic to be arguing over though.

I'm sorry ... but I think it'd have to be no.

Or maybe I should give it another try ...?

Frou Frou - 'It's Good To Be In Love'

Album: Details

Saw an advertisement at a bus stop this morning which said, "Pimp your mind".

It stumped me for a moment as to why anyone would exhort another to "pimp your mind". I mean, seriously: Why?

I've always thought the mind was promiscuous, but it's not the same as whorish.

... Is it?

Catatonia - 'Mulder And Scully'

Album: International Velvet

Noooo.

This cannot be happening.

Stop stop stop stopstopstopstop.

Eddie Floyd - 'Good Love Bad Love'

Album: Death Proof OST

Uglily bruised.

But then I'll take bruises on the outside any day.

Bitter:Sweet - 'Dirty Laundry'

Album: The Mating Game

What I woke to in my head this morning:

(Oooh) What's the fun in playing it safe?
(Oooh) I think I'd rather misbehave
Your way ...

I don't even wanna think about it.

The subconscious is horrible thing ...

=|

Virginie Ledoyen - 'Mon Amour Mon Ami'

Album: 8 Femmes OST

What a strange serious of online conversations tonight ...

Blog 27 - 'I Still Don't Know Ya'

Album: LOL

Kid, flattery will get you in my doghouse; flattery you want to pass off as honesty will insult me. I mean, what do you take me for - another stupid skirt? Grr. >=|

Fine. You want stupid? I'll give you stupid.

Brain bogglingly boneheaded insufferably inane STUPIDITY.

Mika - 'Love Today'

Album: Life In Cartoon Motion

I reiterate: Sashimi. Buffet. And I'll like to add one more word: Sake. (Ain't no such thing as "too much".)

But it was also goodbye to my favorite girl ...

=...(






So, thank you so much for the postcard - it brightened the later half of my day some. 'Tis nice to see the flash mob's full moon on this dark-moon night.